February 2, 2018

NOW You've Pissed Me Off

And since I retaliate in writing and I'm really good at it, look out.

We've been trying to adopt a dog from a rescue or a shelter. Either an English Bulldog or a Basset Hound. Here's what I've learned from the experience; I think I could sneak into the US via the Customs Border Crossing Station in El Paso with an abducted Kennedy baby with colic in my arms easier than I can adopt a dog from these fucking people. First of all, (or firstaball, as Aidan used to say) I can say with perfect honesty that if being a pet owner were compared to dating, I'm a fucking catch, okay? Like old family money, tall, hot, blonde nympho catch, okay?

You want to say I'm unfit to adopt a dog because my current dog no longer lives with us? Please, go right on ahead and ask the grieving widow who depends on Brody for companionship to send him, arthritis, heart failure and all, back to a multi-level home with hardwood floors where he falls down stairs. You know, you're probably right, we should be selfish and demand he come home because it looks better on applications than doing what is actually best for him.

Oh we're denied because we changed vets within the last few years and all of the records don't match up? People move! People change vets. And sometimes doctors and houses and hair colors and schools and even careers. What exactly about that deems us irresponsible pet owners?

Oh, there's a cat listed at the vet that we didn't claim? Well, that's because we take a family member's cat to the vet for her when she can't so you're probably right, we should totally be dinged for that.

How about  the fact that we even have a vet who knows us gives us some points? You know there are pet owners whose pets have never even seen a vet? So I'd say we are a tad ahead of the game in that respect.

Do not start with the fence issue. Come look at our house and if you can securely fence our property, well you deserve an honorary engineering degree because it's a damn wonder they could even put a house here 103 years ago. Don't expect me to fence it now. Oh and there are these new fangled contraptions called leashes and tie outs that people use to contain animals temporarily. If you come over, I'll show you how to use them.

Next time you find yourself wondering why you have shelters full of dogs who need homes, it's because you are being overzealous, judgmental, condescending pricks to perfectly good families and after a few months of that shit they go to breeders and buy a dog. And you want to know who is wrong in that situation? It's you and I have no sympathy for you. I feel for the dogs who are still homeless because you are on a power trip and it makes you feel good to tell someone they aren't good enough. Congratulations.

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