November 6, 2017

A LinkedIn Public Service Announcement

LinkedIn. It's like Facebook for the professional world. Only lately I've seen some questionable things that required me to double check that I was indeed on LinkedIn and not on Facebook or Instagram. 

Am I the only one who misses when Instagram was photos only? Ugh. I digress.

I have 5400+ connections so a ton of posts come across my timeline. Be prepared, that translates to a ton of bitching to commence.

I don't think hashtags belong on LinkedIn. Hashtags in general are obnoxious and juvenile. *So is going to my Facebook and Instagram and screenshotting instances where I use them relentlessly. Be a grown up about this, okay?

Also, I don't think that your rabid, anti-liberal or anti- right-wing political views, nor the accompanying malevolent cartoons, are even remotely appropriate for a professional networking site. Though ISIS TV is always looking for good material I hear. 

Ya know what else Linked In is not? Tinder. It's not a hook-up site, ya damn fools! I have messages from both connections as well as completely random men. I have yet to be propositioned by a woman. 

Now wait, you'll say, only connections can contact you on LinkedIn. Well at least one person apparently thinks getting your email from your profile and emailing you directly is A-okay. Don't be that guy.

Returning to my original soap-box, I have messages ranging from, 'hey baby doll', on to 'Beautiful' and culminating in a multi-paragraph email detailing his significant feelings for me since happening upon my profile photo on LinkedIn. 

'hey baby doll' was never getting a response based on a deficit of capitalization and punctuation alone. 'Beautiful', when asked "Excuse me, what?", responded with 'Connecting is beautiful'. When I neglected to bite, he added 'And so are you'. Kudos for capitalization, points deducted for lack of punctuation and being a creep. Email Stalker Joe got blocked and when I found his profile, reported. That shit isn't acceptable at work, Harvey Weinstein, and it isn't acceptable on LinkedIn.

So, in conclusion; #stopwiththehashtags, keep your politics where you keep your religion, and create a Tinder account, moron.

January 16, 2017

Kid Sister

She once called in to work 'still drunk', I shit you not. 

And even better? Her boss said Okay! 

She's kinda my hero. She's got this life thing down in a way I just do not...

January 1, 2017

What Did I Accomplish in 2016?

Well, according to my phone's photo roll, I took 344 selfies. That doesn't count the ones I deleted. My face is a mask of shame right now.

I planned and lived through a wedding. Now I'm pretty sure people who have vow renewal ceremonies are fucking crazy. You can bet your ass we won't be doing that shit.

Facebook informed me that I've checked into more bars than any other establishment in 2016. To which I reply, "What's the issue?"

I ran 211 miles. Which is better than no miles but when you consider that I ran 1377 miles one year, 211 makes me a lazy mother fucker. Here's to being less lazy in 2017.

I read 37 books in 2016. I feel like I sat still for all of about 9 minutes so I'm not sure how I managed to read one but there you have it.

I saw my first Broadway show - Phantom of the Opera! I don't have a sarcastic anecdote for this achievement so I'll just leave it as a statement.

We saw four concerts - Mumford & Sons, Rob Zombie, Goo Goo Dolls, and Train. Lets just say the band wasn't the only spectacle - I got drunk at three of them and saw two cat fights at one of them. No, I was not a participant in said cat fights, thankyouverymuch. 

I visited Las Vegas, New York, and Washington D.C. Also took my first international vacation to the Dominican Republic. I got robbed and/or raped zero times so that's a win, yes?

The boys took their first airplane ride and only puked once. The Brute was closest at the time, therefore inheriting clean up duty, an occurrence I interpreted as some sort of divine intervention in my favor. A good start to a family vacation, I'd say. At least from my point of view. Not really an accomplishment of the year but a positive thing so I included it.