September 29, 2016

Up or Down

Most houses in which males and females cohabitate, a familiar fight is fought.

That fight is always caused by the male. *my blog, my opinion wins*

I'm referring to trying to get the male of the species to put the damn toilet seat down already!

Only I have the opposite problem. I can't get the boys to lift the seat up.

I'd be thrilled to put the seat down in my house. Anything to avoid wiping the damn toilet seat that they left down and proceeded to pee all over.

Again, even with the seat down, that hole is a pretty large target, especially considering they are closer to that target than most grown men.

Why does it always look like a three legged tomcat sprayed the seat?

September 27, 2016

Sit Still Look Pretty

Asher asked the Brute why mail trucks have the steering wheel on the wrong side. Brute goes on to explain about making it easier to deliver mail, blah blah blah. But in my head, I can't actually see how it solves the whole problem.

No need to get into too much detail about how I didn't get it because that's not the point. Plus it's hard to type all the laughing the Brute was doing and I don't know how to write up the eyerolling I was doing. 

In the end, between guffaws, he says, "It's okay, baby. Just sit there and look pretty." 

September 20, 2016

I'm... God Help Me... Old

These are the lyrics;

Baby pull me closer, in the backseat of your Rover, that I know you can't afford, bite that tattoo on your shoulder, pull the sheet right off the corner, of the mattress that you stole, from your roommate back in Boulder, we ain't ever getting older...

Now, if you haven't heard the song, you're thinking what the actual fuck right about now.

And if you have heard the song and you're singing along and then you stop to think about the lyrics, you're thinking what the actual fuck right about now.

Is this a bunch of trendy lingo my old ass doesn't get? 

Bite the tattoo? Is that what they're calling sex now days?

And who the hell has a mattress from the days when they still had a roommate? Not this bitch because, gross. 

We ain't ever getting older? Don't get me started on "ain't" and yes. You are.  Getting older. It's gonna happen. Trust an old white girl when she tells ya, you are. Promise. 

Now that I said all that, I kinda love that song. Makes me feel.... not so old. Also, my twelve year old showed me that song. Shit.


September 12, 2016

Out of the Mouth of a 4th Grader

"Aidan, did you know we used to have a King for president and he sent his soldiers over here to build a church? Because who wants to drive to England every Sunday to go to church? I mean, it would be fun I guess but isn't that crazy?"

Same kid who said, while looking at a picture of Abraham Lincoln, 

"That's Obama. He got shot from a library while he rode in a car."

Same one who informed us that,

"Whoever is tan, isn't racist."

That's my Asher.

September 9, 2016

Who Decided

Who decided that quotes and random sayings were more meaningful when written on paint color sample sheets? I just realized how dumb that is and thought I'd share. Carry on with your day.


September 8, 2016

Quan

I said I would explain and I've already hit my lie quota this week so, here's the story behind our slave, Quan.

You'll remember that the Brute and I did a hell of a lot of remodeling of Hell House this Spring, specifically the exterior and back yard. You know, where we didn't have a wedding reception?

Don't think about it, Amanda...

My nephew comes over and sees a man we HIRED to build a fire pit working in the back yard. He watches him a moment and then turns to me and says...

this is good...

"Aunt Amanda, can we name your slave Quan?"

I mean, what do you even say at this point? Really, kid? First of all, what the hell would make you think that we, or anyone for that matter, would own a person? And Quan? I can't even guess where that name came from. 

His is a mind probably better left unread.

September 4, 2016

As Seen on TV

Watching House Hunters;

"Well, it's a townhouse but it's attached..."

Yeah, lady, as townhouses generally are! *eyeroll emoji*

You know some editor heard that and thought, "oh hell yes, that is definitely staying in." I would totally be that editor.