February 29, 2016

Out of the Ashes Rises the Phoenix

I told y'all about falling ass over ears into this gig as librarian at an elementary school. We'll, they haven't caught on that I'm about the last person who should be shaping young minds so I'm still at it. 

Pretty sweet deal, actually. I mean I get snow days and summers off and I can spend 5 hours on Goodreads and technically it's work-related internet browsing. The downfall lies in the ridiculously low pay and complete and total waste of the degree I actually hold. Yin and yang, I suppose. 

One good thing I am getting out of this job is blog fodder. (Do you now see the significance of the title of this post? Good) These kids, man, they're terrible! And amazing. Some are funny and sweet and some are future serial killers. It's not really my job to sort that shit out. But the hilarity that comes out of their mouths sometimes, my god, it deserves it's own blog tag. 

In the Library

#1
A kid brings a book to be checked out but it's a full Spanish book. 

Me - This is a Spanish book. Can you read Spanish?

Kid - Yes

Me - Open it and read it to me.

Kid - Okay, I can't read Spanish but I can read Chinese.

Me - Well we don't have any Chinese books so go pick an English one, okay?

February 27, 2016

It Boggles the Mind

Why is this bitch posting pictures of drying cups, you ask?

I'll tell you why I'm posting pictures of drying cups.

Because this - SIXTEEN cups and glasses - is what 4 little boys who have been awake for 5 hours at the point this was taken at 10:30am on a Saturday leave in their wake.

You wish I was kidding.

Hell, I wish I was kidding.

I'm not.

Do not question why I'm crazy. I think I've made that abundantly clear here on the blog.

February 21, 2016

From The Brute to Bo

"I need a bottle of water." says The Brute.

And all I have to do is turn my head 90 degrees and chances are...


It's like living with Bo, from Signs.

So I just call him that now. He loves it.

February 12, 2016

Bridezilla

The term should be "going bridal" not postal. I'm on the verge, folks. It's not funny anymore.

We want a 15 minute ceremony and a bonfire party afterward. It's not Westminster Abbey. A few lights and something pretty at the alter. That's it. 

So we find an outdoor venue, which only required the aligning of three planets and the placental blood of a virgin East African rhino. No big. 

Now we need it somewhat decorated. Enter the Decor Bandit. This bitch charges a $500 flat rate. 

Okay. $500 to have it all done. Fine. What's another wedding related sexual assault in the grand scheme of things? 

Then this happens.

She asks me, Do you have lights or will you need to rent them from me? 

Um, we're gonna need lights. 

the sound of rapid scratching of her pencil

She asks me, Do you want me to hang them?

pressure in my head increasing

In my head, Naw, just throw 'em down on the ground. They really don't even need to be plugged in. Are you kidding me? But I say, Yes. Yes, we need you to hang the lights.

the sound of rapid scratching of her pencil

Will you need the ceremony area decorated?

She's dead serious, not a hint of a snicker in her voice. I'm dying inside.

In my head, You mean the blank tree trunk we will be standing in front of? Yeah, we'd like it to be, ya know, not blank. Fucking asshole. But I say, Can we just make an appointment to meet so I can strangle you with a string of lights show you what I'm talking about? 

This is how every aspect of this whole planning a wedding has gone. I haven't even begun to shop for a dress. God help me and anyone I come in contact with during that time.