December 22, 2016

I'm Doing It To Myself

You'll remember when I started this running nonsense. I never really thought it'd stick but here we are six years later and yesterday I ran three miles. On the dreadmill. I tell you that because if you've ever had the pleasure misfortune to run on a treadmill it's fucking terrible. So, give me some damn credit and Yay, me, right?

Apparently running isn't enough anymore. Maybe because I'm not still 31 and these days my thighs cling to cellulite like a circus holds on to it's bearded lady. Maybe because I quite enjoy beer and I'm too stubborn to give it up. 

I can't say for sure but on Jan 2, I'm starting a six week cross fit challenge complete with weigh in and a meal plan. 

I know. It's like someone else is writing this.

Let's just say I'm drinking as I type because I already checked and beer is most certainly not on that plan. Sadists. 

I've got like 10 days and I'm not fucking around till then. 

What is wrong with me? I imagine my first day going something like Heathcoat's training on Major Payne.. One tubby tubby tubby,  two chubby chubby chubby! 

I'm gonna be honest, I'm fucking terrified. I don't do weights, I've never even had the urge to flip a tractor tire across a field, hell I can't even shove my mammoth of a couch across the living room. I'm gonna get my ass kicked and you can pretty much lay money that I'm gonna cry at some point. This, I know, yet I still shelled out a whack to make this happen to me. 

I'll ask again, what is wrong with me? 

I'm looking up crossfit workouts and I see Suhalia squats and many diabolical variations on lunges, push ups and pull ups. 

Really, guys? As if push ups weren't brutal enough, you wanna make me me do it on my hands? 


At least there will undoubtedly be some good blog fodder out of it. 

December 19, 2016

Over It

Yes, I'm about to bitch about Facebook rather than just stop getting on Facebook. My blog, my rules. Plus, I need material and that news feed is brimming with what I need.

No, I will not upload the fifth or eleventh or ninth photo in my phone to amuse you. First of all, chances are, that photo in my phone isn't Facebook appropriate and second, do you really think everyone picks that specific photo? Hint, people are liars. They scroll until they find a photo that makes them seem unbelievably interesting because it's Facebook and that's what we do there. Duh.

If I could ban Live videos, I would. Why? Well, I'm an asshole. I legitimately think status updates keep me entirely too involved in the lives of people I barely know anyway. Let's not push it.

Those intriguing articles that link to roughly three paragraphs spread over nineteen pages that have roughly twelve ads for every word written? Fuuuuuuuck you! Yet I keep clicking 'next page' because by then I'm invested and must. finish. the. article. Articles that in most cases, I could write better, I might add. Just sayin'.

Grammar. Sweet Mother Mary, stop fucking up simple shit. There's a difference in meaning between your and you're. There and their and they're. To and too. In to and into. Past and passed. I mean come on, y'all, we learned this in the 3rd grade and even if you glassed over that whole year, there have been enough of those memes blasting dumb grammar mistakes for you to have a good excuse. Note, if you find a grammar mistake in this post, keep it to yourself. We'll get along better that way.  

December 17, 2016

I Don't Get It

It took some time but I finally deciphered the meaning behind the videos of rooms full of people standing stock-still while some hip hop music plays. Why my kids can be that still for their friends to film while they're supposed to be learning shit at school but bounce off the walls at home when I'm trying to get them to focus and do chores remains a mystery but whatever. Mannequin challenge, rock on.

Now though? My Facebook feed is full of videos of people, wait for it... opening boxes. 

I don't get it. 

They seem genuinely surprised at what is in these boxes. Look, when I get a package that I haven't been waiting for, I'm skeptical. I mentally rehash the past couple of weeks trying to remember who I pissed off. Sometimes I consider calling the bomb squad just to be safe. What I don't do is take it inside and set up a camera. 

The Google search for What the fuck are these boxes everyone is opening on camera? led me nowhere. So I had to watch a few and pay attention. 

I don't know how many of you might be doing and loving this box thing. Maybe a box has changed your life. Hell, maybe you're making your own boxes to send to people. Either way, I'm just going to end with a slow shake of my head, a gentle eye roll, and a whispered I don't get it.

December 16, 2016

Not Gonna Work On Me, Pal

I suspect Facebook's On This Day feature is trying to make me nostalgic for the days when my kids were little. Unfortunately for Facebook, I'm not that mom so On This Day helped me come up with a list of why I prefer having older kids.

OTD reminded me of the time Aidan called Asher a bastard. And the time Asher screamed out that his d!ck hurt. They're older now so they know all the curse words and they know not to say them in front of men of God or at the grocery store. I prefer that.

OTD reminded me of the time I had to call Poison Control for Aidan when he pepper sprayed himself in the face. And the time I had to call Poison Control for Asher when he took nine melatonin. They're older now so they mainly just eat too much junk food and get a tummy ache. I prefer that.

OTD reminded me of the time both boys got carsick and I caught Asher's throw up in my hand. They're older now so there's far less projectile vomiting. I prefer that. 

OTD reminded me of the time Asher screamed bloody murder for the entirety of a 4 hour road trip. And the time I had to push the button on a Christmas toy that sang all the damn way from Ohio to Arkansas or Aidan would scream. They're older now so it's iPads and headphones. I prefer that.

OTD reminded me of the time Asher locked himself in my car and we had to call the police to break into it because he was too little to get himself out. And the time Aidan kept me tying his shoes a full six months after he learned how to do it himself. They're older now and I know they can do most things for themselves so I'm not their bitch. As much. I prefer that.

In fact the last two years the OTD memories are usually all of us on some road trip or at some festival or event because we can do that shit now. I'm no longer suffering from Stockholm Syndrome at home with them, I get to talk to adults during the day, we can even run errands and they can stay home alone with minimal fear of them burning the house down. Now the smart mouths I could do without but overall, I prefer this.

December 13, 2016


Elf on a Shelf... motha fucka, please! Europe has a Christmas Devil, a demon who shows up with St Nick and takes the bad kids back to Hell with him. They wish coal in their stocking was the worst that could happen.

To Hell! He takes the bad kids to Hell!

I'm not even making this shit up, go ahead and google it, I'll wait.


Leave it to the fucking Germans to come up with this schtick and share it with the European continent. 

It's no damn wonder European kids are so well behaved and polite... Better be good or you're going to Hell, kiddies. I mean, when your Christmas cards look like this, you watch your little bad ass self!