February 25, 2012

Perhaps My Nephews Need Their Own BS Series?

Lest you think Aidan and Asher are the only little bad-asses in my family, trust me, my nephews can hold their own. Bad-ass is kind of in their blood. As children of me and my sister, the four of them really didn't stand a chance... I mean I was bad but I looked like the freakin' golden child compared to Kid Sister. Granted that was because I didn't get caught. Much. Somehow my mother believed that the screen on my bedroom window was the only screen on the whole house that just wouldn't stay put. Hmmm.

Kid Sister would do shit like go joy riding in my mom's truck and then lock the keys inside. Julyan is very much his mother's son. He's got a nasty habit of purging his feelings onto paper. And he doesn't hold back. Problem is, he signs his name to everything so there's no question as to who the culprit might be. This is what I found in a notebook after an afternoon he spent time in the corner. I believe he meant that I was a 'mutha fuckin' bitch' but that's just a guess...

This is what he wrote for his brother's birthday

This is what he wrote about Asher

Kid Sister recently had to password protect her laptop because of his creative google searches. I'd say she's payin' for her raisin'.

February 22, 2012

He Needs Jesus

Aidan decided he wanted to go to church with Skinny Bitch this evening. I asked him why he wanted to go to church all of a sudden and this is what he said...

"I don't know, I need Jesus. And also we get to play while everyone else reads the bible."

February 7, 2012

Because I Said So

Okay, children, you seem to have trouble remembering the things you are not allowed to do and the words you are not allowed to say. So let me give you a comprehensive list for future reference.

You may not hit, punch, thump, whack, elbow, smack or slap one another. I really should just be able to say Don't hit but then you guys hit and say I didn't hit him, I slapped him. I'm just covering all the bases. Also, no kicking. And it's still kicking if you're laying down. 

You may not choke one another. Choking - whether it be in a head-lock situation or with clothes, blankets, scarves, tree branches or bare hands around the neck - is unacceptable. Yes, there has been an incident that requires me to specifically include 'no choking with tree branches'. Feel sorry for me yet?

You may not scratch, pinch, poke, stab or snake bite one another. Not with your fingers, your toes, sticks, eating utensils, toys, the edges of books, or gardening tools.

You may not pull hair. First, because girls pull hair and second, because... just don't pull hair.

You may not push, pull, shove, shoulder or hip-check one another. Not down hills or stairs, not onto grass, carpet or asphalt, and not off beds or couches. 

You may not bite one another. Not anywhere - and by 'anywhere' I mean anywhere on the body as well anywhere such as at home or in public. Not for any reason. It doesn't matter what he did to you first.

You may not throw things. More specifically, you may not throw things at one another's heads or faces. You may not throw soft things or hard things or wet things or stinky things or sticky things or slimy things. I do not care if what you threw was yours or if he deserved it or if that's what he gets.

Now for the words you are not allowed to say:  Shut-up, shut your stupid face, stupid, dummy, idiot, moron, retard, sucks, screwed, fatty, fat butt, butt-hole, jerk, and I hate you/him/her/them. Also, any cuss words. And saying You're an A word counts as saying a cuss word. Same goes for spelling-out-in-lieu-of-actually-saying any of the forbidden words. 

It's possible I forgot some of the words I do not like to hear come out of your mouth but both of you know which words are likely to set me off. So don't say them.

Just for clarification, I am an adult and I can say or do what I want to. I'm the mom and you're the kid, I'm big and you're small, I pay the bills with your daddy's money and you do not, that's why! Ever hear of 'do as I say, not as I do'? Live it.