February 7, 2012

Because I Said So

Okay, children, you seem to have trouble remembering the things you are not allowed to do and the words you are not allowed to say. So let me give you a comprehensive list for future reference.

You may not hit, punch, thump, whack, elbow, smack or slap one another. I really should just be able to say Don't hit but then you guys hit and say I didn't hit him, I slapped him. I'm just covering all the bases. Also, no kicking. And it's still kicking if you're laying down. 

You may not choke one another. Choking - whether it be in a head-lock situation or with clothes, blankets, scarves, tree branches or bare hands around the neck - is unacceptable. Yes, there has been an incident that requires me to specifically include 'no choking with tree branches'. Feel sorry for me yet?

You may not scratch, pinch, poke, stab or snake bite one another. Not with your fingers, your toes, sticks, eating utensils, toys, the edges of books, or gardening tools.

You may not pull hair. First, because girls pull hair and second, because... just don't pull hair.

You may not push, pull, shove, shoulder or hip-check one another. Not down hills or stairs, not onto grass, carpet or asphalt, and not off beds or couches. 

You may not bite one another. Not anywhere - and by 'anywhere' I mean anywhere on the body as well anywhere such as at home or in public. Not for any reason. It doesn't matter what he did to you first.

You may not throw things. More specifically, you may not throw things at one another's heads or faces. You may not throw soft things or hard things or wet things or stinky things or sticky things or slimy things. I do not care if what you threw was yours or if he deserved it or if that's what he gets.

Now for the words you are not allowed to say:  Shut-up, shut your stupid face, stupid, dummy, idiot, moron, retard, sucks, screwed, fatty, fat butt, butt-hole, jerk, and I hate you/him/her/them. Also, any cuss words. And saying You're an A word counts as saying a cuss word. Same goes for spelling-out-in-lieu-of-actually-saying any of the forbidden words. 

It's possible I forgot some of the words I do not like to hear come out of your mouth but both of you know which words are likely to set me off. So don't say them.

Just for clarification, I am an adult and I can say or do what I want to. I'm the mom and you're the kid, I'm big and you're small, I pay the bills with your daddy's money and you do not, that's why! Ever hear of 'do as I say, not as I do'? Live it. 


Rita Templeton said...

AMEN, sista!!

Texan Zombie Goddess said...

Preach it!!


Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I'm going to see if I have enough fabric to embroider this on!!!! Hahahahahahaha! You're such an awesome Mom!!!!

Jo Jo said...

I think I'll print this and post it on my frige for my boys... So true :)

ummmhello said...

I second Jo Jo on this one. You've got such a great list, I may just adopt it as my own.

Ordie O. said...

You need to add mop handle to the list of forbidden weapons.