June 17, 2012

Pinterest Means Different Things To Different People

Pinterest inspires most people to organize the junk drawer, whip up hors d'oeuvres out of leftovers and braid their hair so it looks like a dragonfly. They make boards like "Saturdays with Little Susie", "Family Outings", and "Motivational Quotes". Pinterest is where some people get spiritual guidance in the form of bible versus in pretty font. A lot of people utilize Pinterest to visually say Look, I am a well adjusted, creative, compassionate person

It's a little different for me. Pinterest makes me want to tattoo my favorite quote among tribal markings down my rib cage. Pinterest makes it seem like a good idea to pixie cut my hair and dye it platinum blond. Pinterest is why I want to paint I'm Not Your Fucking Maid, Get It Your Damn Self on the wall of my kitchen. Pinterest has given me some fabulous ideas as to what I want to pierce next. Pinterest showed me that Fifty Shades of Grey is nowhere near the kinkiest shit out there. Pinterest is where I visually say What you know about me is just the tip of my crazy.

Some people have 693 pins of Some E Cards, including the unfunny ones. I only pin the ones with profanity. Some people use that comment feature to explain in excruciating detail why they pinned each photo. My comment boxes all say X. Some people have it set to where every single thing they pin posts to their Facebook Timeline. I live in fear that the BDSM image I just pinned will go on my timeline and Aidan's teacher will "like" it.

See? It's different for everyone.

June 5, 2012

How I Dare I Suggest We Go To The Park

Aidan and Asher actually cried tonight because when they asked what we were going to do tomorrow I said We'll go to the park in the morning before it gets too hot and then... and the wailing began. 

Really, guys? It's barely three miles there and back and I push your damn bikes up the hills while you bitch and moan and drag. your. asses. thirty feet behind me. Aren't you supposed to be full of 'endless youthful energy'? Or maybe that energy only helps you do bad shit all. day. long.

June 4, 2012

Rules for Dealing with Psych Patients

#1. Don't cancel appointments when the patient is out of meds. That one could have gone terribly wrong for you.

#2. Don't schedule appointments for a specific time and then let them sit in the waiting room to watch the other patients and pray to God that they are the relatively sane patient for NINETY MINUTES!!!

#3. After you have made your patient wait for NINETY MINUTES do not, DO. NOT. come and ask them if they are ready yet. I'm pretty sure that shit'll get you killed by a less sane patient.

#4. If you don't remember shit else about patient beyond diagnosis and medication, don't bother pretending that you do. I'm only there for a refill and you're making yourself look like a douche bag.

#5. Warn office staff not to get bitchy. Your tardiness may not be their fault but we're crazy and we will take it out on them anyway.

June 3, 2012

I Don't Know Where I Went Wrong

Aidan keeps all those promo cards we get in the mail - Khol's, Shoe Carnival, etc... So yesterday we're looking for one of them we actually wanted to use and of course Aidan had it. As he's pulling cards out of his wallet, this one falls out

We laughed because it's not even the first time he's hoarded Victoria's Secret advertisements (and taken them to his cousins to snicker about). I said What do you think you're gonna buy with that card, Aidan? And his response, scouts honor, was This card gets me $10 off sex! 

Oh sweet Jesus, what am I going to do with this kid?

May 30, 2012

82 Days of Summer Vacation

Fourteen of those days the boys will be visiting grandparents in Arkansas. Seven days they will be visiting grandparents in Ohio.Two days they will be camping with Boy Scouts. I figure I can pawn them off on Kid Sister a minimum of five Saturdays throughout the summer. There are a couple other places I may be able to ship them off to but for now this is all I can count on. 

So I've got 54 days on my own. Assuming they sleep ten hours per night, that leaves 756 hours for me to survive/keep them alive. I don't like my odds.

On Day 4, Aidan and Asher decided they wanted mohawks. Not fauxhawks but old school, bad ass mohawks.  I gave Daddy a thumbs up and into the bathroom with the clippers they went. Aidan went a tad more hardcore than Asher. It's hard to be a thug when you're still wearing monkey pajamas. They're both pretty impressed with themselves.

May 29, 2012

Kids Will Tell Every Damn Thing They Know

Dentist - Do you eat a lot of candy?

Aidan - No but every single night my mom and dad eat candy while they watch tv.

Thanks for that, Aidan. 

Me - He's a damn liar!

Okay, I didn't say that but really, Aidan? That kid knows no loyalty.

May 27, 2012

Grocery List

When I was in college three things were always on the list for the grocery, which is to say they were never on the list because it was a given that I needed them; pretzels, white minute rice - Uncle Ben's only, and soy sauce.
I was a simple girl. Also, broke.

Now the things that are always on the list these days are drastically different.

Coke - because my husband has a problem.
Bacon - there is not enough bacon in this universe to satisfy these carnivores I live with.
Fruit snacks - not for who you might expect them to be for. Their father!
Veggie straws - all for me, I do not share them. Ever.
Socks - the boys are clinging to their Arkansas heritage not by going barefoot outside but in socks.

I miss the simple days of pretzels for breakfast and rice with soy sauce for lunch and dinner...

May 22, 2012

Technology Robbed Me of This Passive Aggressive Move

Ya know what I miss? I miss phones with receivers that you can slam down to emphasize that you believe the person on the other end to be a complete asshole. Somehow pushing 'End' real hard doesn't quite send that message home with the same gusto. 

March 16, 2012

Jillian Michaels Is Being Mean To me

I started Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred again and holy hell, I truly believe that woman to be evil through and through.  She has moved from sadistic bitch to full on monster in my book. Monster, I tell ya!

Level one was rough but I conquered. After I regained the ability to walk without appearing to be in a full on epileptic seizure, of course. Thursday was my first day at level two. I've been here once before, probably a year ago. Once. That's all I could take. But today was Day 2 at Level 2 so Yay me!

Level two, in my opinion, was designed specifically to make me look as ridiculous as possible. Walkout push-ups, jumping oblique twists, plank jacks? Fuuuuck yooooouuuu, Jillian! I pity the fool who walks in on me during those critical minutes. Some things you just can't un-see, kwim?

March 13, 2012

Ask Me Again, I Wish You Would

"What are you gonna do with yourself once Asher goes to Kindergarten in the Fall?"

Here's what I'm gonna start saying... Ya know, rather than grocery shopping or laundry or cleaning house or exercising or volunteering more, all of which I do now with Asher in tow, I think I'm probably gonna nap more. Ya fuckin' jack-wagon!

March 9, 2012

Where Have I Been, You Ask?

Three posts in February? Wow. That might be a new low. Why the lull in blog banter? How do I put this gently? 

*light bulb* No, that sounds mean.

*light bulb* No, that's just not true.

*light bulb* Mean and also not true.

*light bulb* I just didn't want to. That's the truth. Plus it was February and February is dumb for me

If I had written here I would have told you about how one day, without forethought, I went to a salon and got my hair chopped off. The hair I had been growing out for months. Which really only brought it to my shoulders because my hair grows at roughly the rate of a Canadian White Cedar. Happy Valentines Day, dear husband who likes longer hair!

I may also have written about going from a faded brunette to a fiery redhead to goth black with purple chunks in the span of 6 days. SB wisely smiled and said 'looks good, honey'. Each time. Good boy!

I could have written about the temporary insanity that overcame me when I decided to take the Fearsome Foursome to the movie theater to see Beauty and the Beast, Journey 2 The Mysterious Island, Alvin and the Chipmunks - Chipwrecked, and The Lorax. Seriously, even going in fully armed with contraband in the form of snacks and drinks that don't cost $9 per ounce and a healthy dose of my anti-depressant, it's a traumatic experience. However, when Belle and the Beast kiss and all four of the boys cover their eyes and scream "Eeeewwww!!!" at the top of their lungs? That's just funny. 

I should have written about the first time I drove my husband's new truck. How after specific instructions as to how to properly enter the vehicle and stern warnings about making careful turns, etc... he texted me no less than three times asking if the truck (not I, mind you) was okay. I finally responded something like this - Do you want me to answer you or concentrate on driving the truck? I haven't been in the driver's seat since.

So that's where I've been. Here, just not writing. No worries, I continued to rant and rave via Facebook the whole time so those lucky folks got to hear/read it.

February 25, 2012

Perhaps My Nephews Need Their Own BS Series?

Lest you think Aidan and Asher are the only little bad-asses in my family, trust me, my nephews can hold their own. Bad-ass is kind of in their blood. As children of me and my sister, the four of them really didn't stand a chance... I mean I was bad but I looked like the freakin' golden child compared to Kid Sister. Granted that was because I didn't get caught. Much. Somehow my mother believed that the screen on my bedroom window was the only screen on the whole house that just wouldn't stay put. Hmmm.

Kid Sister would do shit like go joy riding in my mom's truck and then lock the keys inside. Julyan is very much his mother's son. He's got a nasty habit of purging his feelings onto paper. And he doesn't hold back. Problem is, he signs his name to everything so there's no question as to who the culprit might be. This is what I found in a notebook after an afternoon he spent time in the corner. I believe he meant that I was a 'mutha fuckin' bitch' but that's just a guess...

This is what he wrote for his brother's birthday

This is what he wrote about Asher

Kid Sister recently had to password protect her laptop because of his creative google searches. I'd say she's payin' for her raisin'.

February 22, 2012

He Needs Jesus

Aidan decided he wanted to go to church with Skinny Bitch this evening. I asked him why he wanted to go to church all of a sudden and this is what he said...

"I don't know, I need Jesus. And also we get to play while everyone else reads the bible."

February 7, 2012

Because I Said So

Okay, children, you seem to have trouble remembering the things you are not allowed to do and the words you are not allowed to say. So let me give you a comprehensive list for future reference.

You may not hit, punch, thump, whack, elbow, smack or slap one another. I really should just be able to say Don't hit but then you guys hit and say I didn't hit him, I slapped him. I'm just covering all the bases. Also, no kicking. And it's still kicking if you're laying down. 

You may not choke one another. Choking - whether it be in a head-lock situation or with clothes, blankets, scarves, tree branches or bare hands around the neck - is unacceptable. Yes, there has been an incident that requires me to specifically include 'no choking with tree branches'. Feel sorry for me yet?

You may not scratch, pinch, poke, stab or snake bite one another. Not with your fingers, your toes, sticks, eating utensils, toys, the edges of books, or gardening tools.

You may not pull hair. First, because girls pull hair and second, because... just don't pull hair.

You may not push, pull, shove, shoulder or hip-check one another. Not down hills or stairs, not onto grass, carpet or asphalt, and not off beds or couches. 

You may not bite one another. Not anywhere - and by 'anywhere' I mean anywhere on the body as well anywhere such as at home or in public. Not for any reason. It doesn't matter what he did to you first.

You may not throw things. More specifically, you may not throw things at one another's heads or faces. You may not throw soft things or hard things or wet things or stinky things or sticky things or slimy things. I do not care if what you threw was yours or if he deserved it or if that's what he gets.

Now for the words you are not allowed to say:  Shut-up, shut your stupid face, stupid, dummy, idiot, moron, retard, sucks, screwed, fatty, fat butt, butt-hole, jerk, and I hate you/him/her/them. Also, any cuss words. And saying You're an A word counts as saying a cuss word. Same goes for spelling-out-in-lieu-of-actually-saying any of the forbidden words. 

It's possible I forgot some of the words I do not like to hear come out of your mouth but both of you know which words are likely to set me off. So don't say them.

Just for clarification, I am an adult and I can say or do what I want to. I'm the mom and you're the kid, I'm big and you're small, I pay the bills with your daddy's money and you do not, that's why! Ever hear of 'do as I say, not as I do'? Live it. 

January 22, 2012

Quote This - Bridesmaids

I've glimpsed my future while watching Bridesmaids last weekend. I am Rita.

"The other night I'm slaving away making a beautiful dinner for my family, my youngest boy comes in and says he wants to order a pizza. I said no, we're not ordering pizza tonight. He goes, mom why don't you go and fuck yourself! He's nine!" -Rita, Bridesmaids

January 20, 2012

How 'bout I Do What?

Aidan's said some dumb shit in his seven years on Earth. He's still alive so ya know, I'm like Mother of the Year, right? Just minutes ago he upped the ante on the Um, what did you just say to me? scale. I am folding laundry - freshly out of the dryer, I might add - when he asks if he can help. He folds exactly one towel, one washcloth and paired up some socks. When we were all done I hand him his stack of clothes to put away and he gives me attitude. So when he was done I handed him the kitchen towels to put away and he gives me more attitude. So when he finished that I handed him the pile of towels and washcloths for the downstairs bathroom and he temporarily loses his sanity, stomps away and snarls... 

Why do I have to put everything away?!?! How about you do some work, hu?

And then he ran. Because he knew. And I didn't raise a complete fool.

January 18, 2012

Inny Minny Miney Moe

We bought the Altima in mid-December. It's mid-January, the payment is due in 10 days and we still don't have a statement to pay it. So yesterday I call the bank the dealership financed us through and they have no damn idea who we are - no paperwork, no loan, nada. This morning I call the dealership. Here goes that conversation...

I started out perfectly calm and reasonable. We bought a car last month, financed through XX Bank but they don't have our loan or any paperwork on us. 
Immediately comes the 'tude from Dealership Douche. Who told you you were financed through XX Bank?
And then my 'tude rears it's head. Um, YOU did. Also, the paperwork from YOU says XX Bank.
Dealership Douche adds defensive to the 'tude. Well, we don't benefit from telling you that you're financed through one bank and then financing you through another.
And in my head I'm thinking You're about to be in way over your head, tiger. But instead I say I'm just telling you what we were told and what our paperwork says.
Then Dealership Douche adds to the 'car salesmen are full of shit' stereotype by saying Just because it's on the paperwork doesn't mean anything. We can put anything randomly on that.
After giving him ample time to retract that statement I retort Really. I'm not sure what to do with that information. It's not exactly comforting. Do you think you could tell me who you randomly financed us through so I can make the damn payment?

For crying out loud! I mean this is all well and good for blog material but really... My whole life is a series of shit that happens to most people like twice in their lifetimes.

January 14, 2012

Planning Ahead

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet."

January 11, 2012

L Is For Loyalty

Last year when I was all pissed that Asher didn't get into preschool I was text-ranting to my friend, Krista, about Asher seriously needing preschool  The kid only knows one letter, E, and about 49% of the time he calls out B when he sees it. Meanwhile Skinny Bitch's boys are pointing to the magnet letters on my fridge saying 'G is for Grey, C is for Cat, M is for Mom'... They're 2!  Krista responds Yeah well S is for Show-off. He'll get in next year. And that, friends, is why I heart Krista. She's always on my side.

January 10, 2012

Probably Not What He Had In Mind

I figure my husband, like every other man on the planet, has the menage a trois fantasy. And me, being the best wife in the universe, am about to make that fantasy a reality.

You see, I have what can only be described as another person developing just under the skin on my forehead. Certainly by the time we get busy again it will in fact qualify as another entity, therefore deeming that encounter a threesome.

Bam! Best wife ever! Now to convince him that this scenario and the one percolating in his head since he was 13 are one and the same. I'll let you know how that goes...

January 8, 2012

I've Really Got It Rough

I got kicked out of my Jeep. Something about a Hemi, my lead foot, and $200 a week in gas... Whatever, I was just keeping up with the other traffic on the road. It was determined that since there is no chance in hell that we will add more children to our clan, I do not require a vehicle that seats eight to drive two small heathens to and from school, sporting events, and meetings with probation officers. Okay, we're not scheduled with a probation officer yet but it's not out of the realm of possibility. So now he is driving my beloved Jeep and me? I got this.

A Nissan Altima. I love her! And she loves me. Yes, my car tells me she loves me, I heard her. The best thing though? I got her a week before Christmas and I've gotten gas ONCE. Granted, we were out of town for a week and she was left all alone in the cold, dark garage and therefore not driven but still! Once. $40. Okay, so maybe kicking me out of the Jeep was a sound financial decision. Maybe. 

January 6, 2012

They Started It

I got a letter from the School Attendance Nazi's right before Christmas break. It said...

Dear Parent,
Aidan has missed two days of school and left early two times. Keep in mind our attendance policy. After five absences a meeting will be scheduled with the principal to discuss the issue. After seven absences we will notify the prosecuting attorney who will order your public execution in the city square.  
School Attendance Nazis

Or some such shit. As I look at this letter I am thinking about how in the month of January alone a total of six potential school days will be missed due to the school closing for one reason or another. So I plan on sending them a letter on February 1 that will say something like this.

Dear School Attendance Nazis,
Aidan and the rest of the student body have missed six days of school this semester. Note: We are merely 30 days into said semester. Please keep in mind your performance relating to your attendance policy the next time you find yourself typing up a shame-on-you letter to me because my kid was sick for two days and was checked out a half an hour before dismissal twice in one semester. You're not the only ones keeping track.

January 5, 2012

I'll Make Your Resolutions For You

I've decided that my kids, the dog, and my husband for that matter, need some direction in making their New Year's Resolutions. 

First on the list? Asher and Aidan. Boys, in 2012 you will learn to pee INTO the toilet rather than ONTO it. I swear on my laptop I will let that bathroom morph into the hazardous material dumping ground it teeters on the edge of becoming on every day except the days I take it upon myself to don a gas mask and go in with no regard for my own well-being. Next time I see this?

I will... You will... It will be... Just don't piss all over the toilet anymore, okay?

Now, Dear, I actually had to look for something to create a resolution for you about because, well, you get off pretty easy here on the ol' blog and frankly it's your turn. Also, you're darn near perfect. So, sweetie, in 2012 I resolve for you to clear your mind of the delusion that the space between your bedside table and the wall is a closet. It also is not a clothes hamper.

And no, I do to wish to discuss the various places in which my randomly discarded clothing ends up. This is neither the time nor the place for that nonsense. 

And finally, Brody. Oh Brody. I could understand if you believed yourself to be a Chihuahua  based on how you try to crawl up into the laps of little old ladies and small children. I could even understand if you were under the impression that you were a human considering how you flop your big, black ass on the couch like you own this joint. What I am confused by is where you got the idea that you were a cat. Why do I think that you might think that you are a cat? Well, it's the only reason I can come up with as to why you try to cover up your shit with grass and two inches of soil from the yard. The yard that we pay a service an uncomfortable fee to keep looking respectable. Covering up your shit is a cat thing. I would think being a cat would be the very thing a dog would not want to be. So stop being a cat, will ya?

January 3, 2012

I Truly Don't Know What I'm Doing

I'm here, I'm moving to a new place, I'm back here, I'm quitting all together... I can't even keep up with myself. All this shit started when I had an attack of "oh shit what if real life people find out about this? This being here, my blog, where I will pretty much say anything regardless of appropriateness. But now it's 2012 and I'm not changing how I write or what I write or where I write. Hell, I have no problem offending people I don't know, why not be fair? 

So now that I said all that, I don't have to move but I still kinda want to. Changes though, yeah, I might need some of those. For instance, I tried no comments. Which at first I was all for because Whew, away with one more way of measuring my bloggy shortcomings. You guys though? You're all WTF, Amanda, why can't I comment? What is this bullshit? And I'm all Oh, NOW you wanna comment, hu? Where were your comments the past few months? You have yet to respond so that ends that convo.

Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing but I'm here now.