October 25, 2011

You Know She's A BFF When...

...she gets you a voodoo doll as a souvenir from N' Awlin's which is the correct pronunciation of the city's name. Need I write another tutorial


photo from voodoo-king.com



Yes, the Skinny Bitch bought me my very own voodoo doll and all I can say is Um, I need like 16 more of these. I carry many grudges. And also, I love you, Skinny Bitch. Unless I'm hyperventilating while running. Then? Not so much.

October 24, 2011

Yay, Yeah, and Yea - There's A Difference

It's time for another tutorial in understanding what is written in this blog. Yay is pronounced like 'hay' with a y at the beginning, like Yay, you got me soap on a rope. Again. Yeah is pronounced like... well I can't think of a rhyming word but instead of saying 'yes' you say 'yeah' like Yeah, I heard you the first sixteen times you made that joke. Then there is Yea which I never use because when I see 'yea' I think 'tea' with a y at the beginning and what the hell does that mean? Then I have to read and reread the sentence to get some context to figure out what the person is trying to say and all that extra work could be avoided if the writer would just follow the simple rules of Yay, Yeah and Yea as I have set them. These words are not interchangeable, they are not synonyms, they are homonyms and I just had to google that so take this seriously, please. When I write 'yeah'  or 'yay' you are to pronounce it in your head the correct way so as to interpret my words and thoughts the way I mean for you to.  Gawd, I hate it when I don't control  e v e r y t h i n g  in the universe!

Class dismissed.

October 21, 2011

There's Really Nothing Wrong With Cheating

I'm falling behind in my reading and it's all my iPhone's fault. Well, perhaps the blame can be shared evenly between iPhone and the Words With Friend app. In case you are my mother who refuses to get a smart phone, you probably know Words With Friends is online Scrabble. And I'm addicted. I've hit my maximum number of open games and I haven't played Angry Birds in 4 days. That's addiction, baby. 

One sad side effect of this is that my I can't fucking stand to lose-ness comes out. After getting my ass handed to me a few times I started cheating. Yeah yeah yeah, you bet your candy ass I started cheating. I was losing like 350 to 96. The kind of losing that's just not funny. So if you're playing me I'll let you know how to tell when I'm cheating. When I throw down words like caducei it's safe to say I'm plugging those letters into A2ZWordFinder.com. When my big comeback to your ossify is pay, well, I'm probably sitting at Aidan's school waiting to pick him up. And that's just the truth, folks. It's really not all that bad I mean I'm expanding my vocabulary not selling nuclear secrets, mkay?

I would like to note that thermic and iridic, those were both all me, thankyouverymuch.

October 19, 2011

Happy Anniversary To Me

Yes, one year ago this week I started running. Three weeks later I ran my first race, Beer and Bagel. And in three weeks I'll be running it again. Maybe. I'm already getting nauseous when I think about it. More on that later. So what did I do to celebrate one year of running? I got hit by a car.

Yes, during my run yesterday afternoon I got hit by a fucking car, y'all! Actually an SUV but that's neither here nor there. Skinny Bitch, are you reading this? Need I tell you AGAIN that this running shit is going to KILL me? 

A little over a mile into my run, I'm on the corner of a road with no sidewalk just kinda there on the side of the road waiting to cross, and a car that had been waiting to turn finally turns and the DUMB FUCKING IDIOT BITCH behind him is staring down at her iPhone and ever so slowly makes her turn INTO ME. I punched the hood of her truck and I swear on my laptop, bitch didn't even look up. In fact there is zero evidence to suggest that she ever realized she committed a hit and run. She just kept driving up the road Probably still playing Words With Friends. And I finished my run. Which, by the way, put me over 400 miles in 2011! 

So yay for still running and yay for not dying from running and boo for getting hit by a car and yay for not dying by getting hit by a car.

October 18, 2011

I Need Aidan To Ride The Bus

This blog is the perfect outlet for my numerous letters that need written to specific people or objects I encounter throughout my day. Instead of my gun, I blog about the idiots. It makes for a more socially acceptable read: infinitely less enjoyable for me outcome. And I guess it's better for the idiot, too. Today's letter basically wrote itself.

Dear Mercedes Minivan Mom,

Don't pretend you don't know who I am. I'm the gal in the Jeep that your overpriced bitch-mobile nearly took the front end off of. Remember? After you cut me off I followed you three blocks out of my way, all the while honking my horn because I know how expensive a Mercedes is to repair so the ramming YOUR side of the thing option was off the table. Listen, I got your number, bitch. I know you weren't late for work because you look exactly like me - like you woke up six and a half minutes ago, threw some bread and an oatmeal creme pie in your kid's lunchbox and hauled ass to get him to school on time. You were probably even wearing Crocs without socks with your reindeer pj pants. We're an easy breed to pick out of a group. So, let's have it. What is your rich-bitch excuse for being a rude, drop-off line bully? I'm gonna review my auto insurance and maybe make some changes so next time you try that shit you might just take my Jeep to your driver's side door.

Sincerely,
Bitch In The Jeep Who's Just Crazy Enough To Do It

October 16, 2011

Quotable Sunday

"Why don't you eat some make-up so you can be pretty on the inside, bitch!" - Unknown (but I adore whoever said it)

October 14, 2011

The Difference

There are only a handful of people who understand the difference between a kid freaking out and a kid freaking the fuck out. There's a distinction and when I find someone who gets it, well, I get kinda possessive and basically force them to become my friend. My latest victim is Aidan's friend's mom. The kid's dad is Aidan's football coach so she became my prey at the first football practice. She really didn't stand a chance, I mean, I know where she lives since practice is there and our boys are in the same class... This chick ain't goin' nowhere!

I came home floating on a cloud of commiseration and acceptance the night I determined she knew 'the difference' and I excitedly told my other half about it. Having known me for 6 seconds, he could visualize the immediate future and he warned me not to stalk her because I'd scare her.

So, ya know, I found her on Facebook approximately 13 seconds later. *cue slow shaking of his head* So I got her on the FB hook. Score! I tried to play it cool and waited a week or so before I got her cell number but once I got that, Bitch is mine!

Yesterday Asher and I hit Target after dropping Aidan off at school and who do I spot? Oh yes. It's first date time!  Y'all, it was beautiful. Just a beautiful, perfect, high class - ya know because it was Target and not Wal-Mart? - first date. We tried on dumb hats and took photos, we rolled our eyes at our children, she even offered to let me thump her kid. I refrained, thinking that more of a 3rd date activity, but the fact that she offered? Love!

Today we are both attending the class field trip with our boys. Now we're supposed to say we volunteered for the sake of our kids but you can bet your sweet ass we both checked if the other was coming before we committed to anything. Hee hee hee...

She doesn't actually know about the blog yet. I'll wait till like the 4th date to drop that particular bomb.

Update: I dropped the blog bomb last night at practice. I'll write later to let ya know if our field trip date goes down as planned or if she ran to the nearest courthouse for a no contact order. Not that a little legal form would stop me...

October 13, 2011

There's Sexist And Then There's What Asher Is

Asher hates girls. That's a fact. A commercial for Barbies comes on TV, Asher mumbles "Me hate girls." His biggest complaint about the preschool he started at this year? Too many girls. His favorite thing about the preschool he's in now? Not so many girls.

When we showed up at his first soccer practice this season he was furious to see girls there. Like wanted to check out, soccer was dead to him, pissed off that there were girls. Then, when he had to play games with girls on his team? That was it. He doesn't go to soccer anymore. So the kid owes me $100 which I will put towards his college tuition because Hello, why do you think I'm trying to get you into this sporty shit other than hoping one will be your ticket to college? Why can't you see the big picture, four year old?

When Asher gets really pissed at me he will mumble to himself about how I don't even have a pen!s as if that is the single explanation for whatever shortcoming I have shown myself to have. He still hasn't gotten over the shock of that discovery and I fear what will happen when he realizes that people with pen!ses only think they rule the world and it's girls who truly hold the power. Probably a lesson for a future time, ya think?

October 10, 2011

Musical Monday - 3 Penny Acre

I stumbled upon 3PA via Facebook - I actually went to high school with Bernice Hembree so ya know, if they get uber-famous I'm gonna claim we were BFFs. The truth - that we've never even spoken - is unimportant.  

October 7, 2011

Screw It, I Quit

Raising well rounded children is just too much work. I don't even work outside the home and I'm totally overwhelmed right now.

This was my September and while there were a few days without something written on them, trust me, I was jumping through my asshole with activities those days, too. I mean really, I don't pencil in my 5am runs, the hours I spend writing the shelter article for the paper, or the 25 minute blocks of time I need to hide from my children in the bathroom. It all adds up, ya know?



And what's with these fundraisers? Dude, people are only going to think the Congratulations, you're on the You've Been Deemed Obligated To Buy Crap From My Kid list  email is funny like 3 or 4 times before they start marking my emails as spam and stop taking my calls because seriously, who can afford that shit?
These kids sell Christmas wrapping paper for elementary school - if they sell 200 items they get some shit like a pencil that lights up. Anyone ever heard of the Dollar Aisle at Target? That's where I'm taking Aidan next time he comes home with one of those damn packets. They sell popcorn for $40 a bag for Boy Scouts and they get... um, to be a Boy Scout. And all this time I thought paying the membership fee was how they got to be a Boy Scout. Silly me. I think they might actually have to sell the rights to name their first born child for athletics next season. I can't keep up. Because everyone knows when I say "these kids sell" I really mean "I have to try to sell". It's kinda bullshit.

Look, I know there are steps I could take to make my life infinitely less hectic schedule-wise, I'm not stupid. If I pushed more Wii games and quit signing the boys up for football, soccer, basketball, etc.... I'd gain some ground. I could just buy Aidan a BB gun because that's the ONLY reason he even wants to be in Scouts. And if I could quit giving a shit if the dogs at the shelter get adopted I could sit at home on my unstressed ass a little more. But if I did that what would I bitch about here at ye ol' blog? I wouldn't do that to you guys!

October 2, 2011

Commercials Are The Devil

Dear Internet TV Episode Commercial Product Company,

Simply because you force me to watch the same commercial for your product four times during each "commercial break" I swear on my laptop, I will not buy your shit. Even if I would have in the past. Even if I have used it for years. EVEN IF you offered to support my blogging habit. Okay, I'd think about it if you offered to support my blogging habit but I'd make you sweat it. 

Sincerely,
I watch the damn show online to avoid commercials!