September 28, 2011

It's Time I Came Out of the Closet

You ready for this? Okay.

I hate shopping.

Yes, I know that's a violation of some woman code and they'll probably take away my v@g!na over it but it was time I came out with it. I think shopping sucks.

This past weekend I went shopping with the Skinny Bitch - kind of a last hurrah before the Beast and Skinny Bastard make deer widows of us. No worries, they usually come back home for the holidays. I learned something during that excursion - I now know that worse than shopping in general is shopping with skinny bitches. Like really, Let me just cut one of the legs off a pair of my yoga pants and I'll make you a tube dress out of it. Then can we be done with this shit and go get some Mexican food?

September 27, 2011

Dear CBS and DVR

Oh Em Gee, CBS, football - most especially NFL football - is not, I repeat NOT, important enough to run over into my Sunday evening shows. It's just not so don't start, okay? But just for blogging sake, let's go ahead and pretend it was. My dear DVR service provider, we've had a man on the moon, I would think you should be able to adjust DVR recording capabilities so that I don't sit down to watch The Good Wife only to find 53 minutes of football and just enough of my show to really piss. me. off. Ya know what? I'm done talking to you. I have to go find the episode online and I hate watching tv on the computer. So thanks for that!

September 24, 2011

Stupid Dora

Asher was watching Dora the Explorer one morning when she exclaims Who do we ask when we don't know which way to go? Now the correct answer is Map! but Asher responded Why don't you just ask Bennie, he's right there with you! Then Dora says That's right, Map! and Asher performs the perfect eye-roll, slowly shakes his head and says Why'd you have to go and bother Map when you could've just asked Bennie like I said. Stupid Dora!

And that, folks, is proof positive that Asher is my son. Yes, I'm proud. So proud.

September 21, 2011

Freakin' Men

Anyone remember close to a year ago when I started this running shit? And then I signed up for my first 5K that wasn't so much a 5K as an Al Qaeda training course? Somehow I lived through it and what did I go and do? I signed up again! I signed me and my Beast up. The Beast who hadn't run 12 feet in the last 3 years, his words, not mine.

It's roughly 6 weeks before the race and he starts training. First day - 2.5 miles in way the fuck less time than it takes me. Second day - 2.5 miles in way way the fuck less time than it takes me AND he tells me that he ran up the unholy hill into our neighborhood.

Skinny Bitch and her husband are also running with us and she went through the same damn thing. When I voiced my disgust that he and Skinny Bitch's husband can just up and decide to run and immediately are so much faster than us and run up hills that are not meant to be run up, he replied I'm sorry that men are superior in every possible way. We haven't spoken since.

By the way, I think it's time for Skinny Bitch's husband gets a proper blog name. Skinny Bastard, perhaps?

September 20, 2011

Dreams

I've been having some whacked out dreams lately. I dreamed I was in nursing school. You will never catch me in nursing school, mkay? I don't do sick people. I went to EMT school, went on my first run on the ambulance, came back to the station and quit. I don't do sick people. It's probably worth noting that my mother is an RN and my sister is in nursing school. Rebellion, perhaps?

We've been discussing trading my Jeep in on something with better than 10 miles per gallon gas mileage since I'm running Aidan & Asher's Personal Bitch Taxi Service. I dreamed I was driving a horse and buggy, wearing an Amish bonnet. I didn't even tell the Beast about that one, he'll think that's a GREAT idea.

I say "we" but really it's just me talking and the Beast shaking his head slowly but "we've" also been talking about moving into a less expensive house. Problem is I want  an old craftsman style with a huge front porch and most of those are in neighborhoods I don't want to live in and in a different school district. Although, Duh, if I'm driving a smaller car and therefore saving gas money and we're living in a cheaper home, then it stands to reason that we could afford for me to drive the boys to their schools in the district we're in now. Still I get the slowly shaking head. Which is probably why I dreamed that we moved into an RV behind Aidan's school. And I was thrilled because we didn't have to move the swing-set since there is a playground at the school.

Somehow I tricked the people at the shelter into thinking I am capable of creating a calendar to sell to raise money for the shelter. I'm terrified I'm going to screw it up royally. I guess that fear is what led me to dream that when the calendars came in, instead of photos of adopted dogs for each month there were photo copies of my ass. You know, like when you sit bare-assed on the copy machine? Don't pretend you never did it.

I've also dreamed that Asher ripped my nose ring out and insurance wouldn't pay to repair the tear in my nostril. I was super-pissed when I woke from that one. I dreamed that Aidan filled out a fund-raiser order form for 200 items so he could get the big prize - an iPod Touch - and we were going to have to pay for it. I was amused upon waking from that one because if he sells 200 items he's getting the iPad. For me. I dreamed my veneers fell off. I dreamed I sewed my fingers together. On purpose. And I dreamed something hysterically funny about the Beast but he's dead serious when he says he will divorce me if I ever repeat it. Maybe he won't get an invite when I go private and I'll tell y'all then *wink*. Kidding, honey, you know I would never...

September 16, 2011

Example #9702

Just another example of my asshole-i-ness... Asher freaking drives me crazy with this 'don't sthep on any cwacksth, Mama!' *cwacksth = cracks* It's kind of a damn nightmare in Wal-Mart, mkay? So when he's not with me, I intentionally step on every crack I can. Every. single. one. It's like Mom Rebellion and I smile with every step.

September 15, 2011

Blue Obsession

So you know how I've said many times that Aidan gets an obsession and will. not. let. it. go? We're still going through his blue period. I'm pretty sure it won't have a Picasso-esque ending. The kid has at least 15 blue T-shirts, 8 pair of blue shorts, most of his shoes have blue on them, his toothbrush is blue, he's pissed that he doesn't have blue eyes... You getting the picture I'm painting IN BLUE PAINT for you? 

This week is Homecoming week so on Monday the kids wore their favorite team shirts. In what I can only describe as a moment from the Twilight Zone, he chose a *gasp* black Iowa Hawkeyes T-shirt. Tuesday they wore a color determined by their grade. Second graders were *gasp* green. He has exactly one green T-shirt and again, in a Twilight Zone moment, no problem. Wednesday was Crazy Hair and Hat day. And guess what color he wanted his hair colored. *gasp* Green. 

Ha! Kidding! He chose blue. And do you think I could find blue non-permanent dye even though Halloween stuff is out in the stores and there should be dozens of colors to choose from? Oh, hell no. One big, fat, blue/silver eyeliner pencil and 3 ounces of hair gel later and I present you with my Blue Guy. The photo doesn't give you the full blue-effect but let me tell ya, he looked awesome!
Asher chose a faux-hawk and he did love it, and rocked it if I do say so myself.

September 14, 2011

His Last Name Is What?

Asher has a new best friend at preschool. Why is this little boy so special to Asher? Because his last name is DS. And Aidan hasth a DS, Mama, stho he isth my besth friend!

Me - His name is DS?

Asher - Yesth.

Me - DS? I don't think his name is DS, baby.

Asher - Yesth, it isth. Histh name isth Little Boy DS!

Me - *lightbulb pops up above my head* Oh! I think his name is Little Boy Diaz, not DS.

Asher - Yeah, thatsth what I sthaid, Little Boy DS!

Me - Okay, well I hope you and Little Boy DS are very happy together.

September 13, 2011

Published

Oh yeah, guess who got published? Tis I, Amanda!

Before you get too excited, it's just an article in our local paper and I don't even get printed credit for it but I am now writing the weekly article for the shelter where I volunteer. Not a lot of opportunity to use my native language of pure, unadulterated profanity in the newspaper. As you well know there are few things I love the way I love to curse but one of those is our shelter dogs so for them, I'll sacrifice.

I'm working on a website/blog for the shelter, too. You know, because I don't have so much going on that I'm running my ass ragged as it is.

September 12, 2011

What To Do Today

Aidan is like me in that he is a list maker. He makes lists of people he loves and lists of people he hates. My name frequently makes both lists. He makes lists of things to pack when we go on trips and lists of fun things to do when we get there. He makes lists of offenses committed against him by Asher and lists acceptable punishments for those offenses. This past weekend he spent the night at Kid Sister's so he took to her kitchen dry erase board  to list the agenda for the stay...
1. Watch tv antel your mom waks up
2. eat brekfast
3. kil and eat sqirel and rabit

September 11, 2011

Where Did I Go Wrong?

Me - Asher, sit your butt on the seat and do not get up again! I'm sick and tired of talking to you.

Asher - Well, I'm sick and tired of listening to you talk.

Me - *speechless*

September 9, 2011

Dear...

Dear Asher,
I asked you thirteen times over the course of 3 weeks if you really wanted to play soccer and thirteen times over those 3 weeks you said "Yesth, Mama, me wanna play sthoccer!". So I wrote a check, a big fat check, for you to play soccer. And now, after one practice and one game, you 'justh wanna sthay home"? Um, no. No sir! You have 7 more practices and 7 more games in this season and you are going to 7 practices and 7 games. I am not afraid to drag you kicking and screaming onto that field. You cannot embarrass me, I've been at the doctor's office with your brother. It seems your father may be but I'm not scared of you. You're going next week!
Love, Mama

Dear Daddy,
See above letter to Asher - you are now forever banned from making reference to me being the weak parent, the one who gives in, or the one who gets run over by the boys. Also, you're fired from soccer practice transportation.
Love, Me

September 3, 2011

Little Ol' Ladies Ought Never To Clank

When I was growing up my mother used to try to kill me by making me watch old episodes of The Andy Griffith Show. In black and white - which was the true horror of the situation. I believe I perfected my God given gift of extreme eye-rolling during those half hour torture sessions. I'm pretty sure she enjoyed pissing me off just a tad too much but that's an issue for a therapist.


On a completely unrelated note I probably won't be blogging much because I just started watching The Andy Griffith Show from season 1 on Netflix.

Coming up in season 4 is my favorite episode ever. The one where Ben Weaver suspects a shoplifter is at work in his department store. Barney disguises himself as a mannequin to spy on shoppers and thinks he caught the thief - a little old lady. As usual, he is wrong. Or so it appears. The store owner and Andy apologize to her and send her on her way while Barney fumes very animatedly over it. Just a minute later, outside the store, Andy and Barney stop the lady again only this time Andy makes her open her trench-coat which, as it turns out, is lined with stolen property. When Barney asks him how he knew the old lady had stolen property from the store, Andy replies "Well, when I bumped into her back in the store she clanked and little old ladies ought never to clank." 

Also totally unrelated, my mom's ringtone is The Andy Griffith Show theme-song.

September 2, 2011

Kick Rocks, Dude

I know I should be ashamed that I watch The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and worst of all - Bachelor Pad. But ya know what? Sometimes I just want to spend an hour using absolutely no brain cells what-so-ever and Bachelor Pad is a fantastic way to do that. Trash TV at it's finest! 

So this season the contestant who draws my wrath is Kasey. I have just a couple of things to say to Kasey, I mean he's not hearing me when I scream at the TV so maybe he reads my blog... Dude, we get it. You hate Jake. Jake is a douche. I'm with you on that. But you got a tattoo for a girl you had known for 3 weeks and roughly six seconds after you showed it to her she left you sitting on a glacier while she flew off with some other douche which kinda sorta makes YOU a douche, too. Also, I swear on my laptop if you insist on saying 'kick rocks' every 19 seconds I'm going to get a fork and shove it into a light socket. I understand that you learned a new and obnoxious way to tell some one to get lost and you've got to make sure everyone hears and knows how very clever you are but once you've said 'kick rocks' nine hundred and sixty four times it kinda loses it's charm. So knock it the fuck off or 'kick rocks', mkay?