February 28, 2011

This Might Be A Mommy Blog Afterall

Aidan did something I was beginning to wonder if he'd ever do. He joined a sports team. And participated. And we didn't have to be escorted off the premises. 

No, seriously y'all, an April 2009 attempt at swim lessons almost got us booted from the YMCA. Clearly suffering from temporary insanity, we signed him up for indoor soccer. He talks all the time about wanting to play on a team and go to practice like his friends but when the time comes, he refuses. Finally we just did it and listened to him threaten to behave like a jackass for 3 weeks because he didn't want to play. Then he got wind that our neighbors were going to come watch him and all was right in the world.

On Saturday morning we showed up prepared for battle. But he did fantastic! I was a proud mama. I only got a few pictures and most of them are blurry but what the hell, I'm gonna show them off anyway. 


 
 
 
And one video. I was instructed by Aidan to take video
but then I got scolded when he saw me pointing the camera  at him.
Story of my life with that kid.
video

Dumb Fights That Can End Marriages

On this list should definitely be What kind of dog should we get? 

We have begun to think of getting a new dog later this year and we do not even respectfully disagree on what kind.  I want a big, goofy dog and he wants a dog that will make people piss their pants.

My dog
*photo jacked from the internet
His dog
*photo jacked from the internet

So fuck it, there's still plenty of Lexi's hair around, surely we can get her cloned, right? I want her back. Our next dog has big, lazy, indoor girl shoes to fill.
I'm sure our last round with a German Shepherd was a fluke but my heart goes pitter-patter when I see one of those massive fur-ball sheepdogs. I did like that people were scared of Lexi at first sight - right up until she jumped into their laps and licked them. Bad guys don't fancy to tangle with big ass German Shepherds. Who looks and a sheepdog and thinks anything other than *cue squeaky voice* Oh my God, look at you, big ol' sweet boy, betcha wanna treat don't you, honey! Please do not construe this as a point in favor of the Mr and his dog choice because that is NOT how I'm seeing it.

*I should note that any dog we get will be from a rescue or a shelter. And any dog you get should be from a rescue or a shelter as well.*

Musical Monday - Amos Lee

February 27, 2011

My Son Is Sexist

Asher realized just the other day that I, procurer of his beloved french toast, do not have a pen!s. 

What!?!? Why don't you have a pen!s, Mama? Who broke it off of you? he asked incredulously Everyone has a pen!s. He was thoughtfully quiet a minute before he repeated Me have a pen!s, I thought everyone had a pen!s

Soon it started. Let me wash your hair, Asher I said. No, Mama, you don't have a pen!s, you can't wash it. Throughout the day I was deemed unqualified for tying shoes, changing batteries in a toy, and even nuking a corn-dog. All because I don't have a  p e n i s. He was truly disgusted with me. And when the Mr got home he ratted me out talking about Girls don't have a pen!s, Daddy, no pen!s at all!

February 26, 2011

Year Five

We should be throwing an epic pink nightmare of a 5th birthday party for Anna today but we totally got screwed out of that. Instead, we have this shitty anniversary date, February 26, to dread every year. Fabulous.

Anna Reese 2/26/06

February 24, 2011

Donations Welcome

After a lot of thought we've made a tough decision. We can no longer afford to keep Asher. He eats like a convict in from a long day on a prison farm field in the deep south. He weighs 34 pounds for God's sake, where is it all going?  Is it physically possible to actually ingest your weight in food in the course of a day?

You think I'm exaggerating but I knew you'd think that so I took inventory today to prove my point.

Before we even left the house to take Aidan to school he's devoured a piece of cinnamon coffee cake and a rather generous bowl of rice crispies and then he bellows on the way out the door about, and I quote, "starving to death". We get home and he inhales another piece of cinnamon coffee cake, a package of fruit snacks, a chocolate pretzel breakfast bar, and a package of peanut butter crackers. Before the Mr gets home for lunch he has also eaten a banana, 3 mandarin oranges, 2 slices of colby jack cheese, and another package of fruit snacks. For lunch he eats 2 packages of sliced apples and a chicken salad sandwich. Then he takes a nap - or slips into a coma, I can't be sure - only to wake up and eat orange #4 and a plate of cheesy tuna casserole before running outside to play with the neighbor girls who ply him with Goldfish and girl scout cookies. Dinner was chicken enchiladas, tortilla chips, and guacamole followed by half a leftover bacon cheeseburger. Then he wants to know what's for dessert. 

Yeah, you do the math. Be on the lookout for the PayPal Donation button on the sidebar any day now.

February 23, 2011

Awkward!

Oh, these hometown dates were awkward!

Chantel - You and your family managed to make Money Bags Womak feel like a pauper. Good on ya! Also, I don't know about Brad and you but Brad and Papa Bear are in love.

Ashley - "I saw your crown!" Wow, how romantic. Did you remind him to floss when you bid him farewell?

Shawntel - Oh sweetheart, 90% of funeral directors are married to other funeral directors. Okay, I just made that up but clearly, Brad isn't into it. Also not into it? Papa Bear. 

Emily - If you taught your daughter that 'you don't exist to me' skill regarding men, she caught on well. Day-um! Look, I want it to be you and Brad at the end but I've got a bad feeling for ya. He's not into Rikki Tik. He's just... not.

Next week - Booty Call week, the week every Bachelor signs up to be The Bachelor for. It's put out or get out. Or put out and then I'll put you out. Bwahahaha

February 22, 2011

It Snuck Up On Me This Year

Anna and February 26, I mean. It happened gradually - one year Aidan had some school thing, a play-date for Asher the next year, a strategically planned shopping trip by my friends... whatever the case, 'not existing' on that date ceased to be an option. This year Aidan's first indoor soccer game is on February 26 and it only just occurred to me that it's on February 26. After 5 years I guess the actual date is less significantly harsh. Losing her still sucks like hell, it just sucks like hell more evenly throughout the year.

We don't release butterflies or balloons, we don't visit a grave (or pull out the urn in our case), we don't really outwardly acknowledge the anniversary at all - and it works for us I guess. On Saturday I'll post the photo of her here on the blog to mark the date and head off to Aidan's soccer game. I'll get the calls, emails, texts, and Facebook messages from those who faithfully remember every year and I'll ignore them until the day after because while I may not feel as fragile as I did on this date in 2006, I'm not ready to be completely okay on February 26.

February 18, 2011

(In)Famous Last Words

"Somebody needs to kill my trial attorney."

—George Harris, executed in Missouri on Sept. 13, 2000

February 17, 2011

How Do I Irritate Thee, Let Me Count The Ways

Some wives nag, some spend too much money, some won't mow the lawn... Me? Apparently I irritate my husband by running and reading. His exact words the other day were...

Why don't you do something other than run MILES everyday and then spend the
rest of the day *eyeroll* reading books.

Now, in his defense, he was joking and actually complimenting me but you can understand how the words could be misunderstood. See, I would have thought my blogging every detail of our lives for strangers to read would irritate him but guess not. Good to know.

How Do I Irritate Thee, Let Me Count The Ways

Some wives nag, some spend too much money, some won't mow the lawn... Me? Apparently I irritate my husband by running and reading. His exact words the other day were...

Why don't you do something other than run MILES everyday and then spend the
rest of the day *eyeroll* reading books.

Now, in his defense, he was joking and actually complimenting me but you can understand how the words could be misunderstood. See, I would have thought my blogging every detail of our lives for strangers to read would irritate him but guess not. Good to know.

February 16, 2011

A Dingy, Brad?

Two things about this week's episode of The Bachelor... 

Brad sent Britt away from his yacht in a dingy. Hey, Brad, was that your idea or are those tricky producers at it again? Didn't we discuss this kind of thing?

Also, Michelle's exit? Someone else said it perfectly - "better than a box of chocolates!".

February 15, 2011

New Rules

This will almost certainly be the focus of many a therapy session for Aidan and Asher but I don't give a damn.  I'm gonna catch the blame if they turn out to be serial killers anyway - fuck it.

From now on the boys will be peeing sitting down at home. Unless, of course, they pool their allowance to hire someone to clean the encrusted piss off of the toilet - notably the outside of the toilet, the walls, and the floor -  because I'm no longer available for such bullshit. I may have signed up for changing diapers and cleaning up puke and other such mother shit but the line has been drawn. No more.

Ya know, boys, that thing comes to a bit of a point, it shouldn't be too hard to aim. Plus you two are short so the bowl is literally right there! What is the problem?

February 13, 2011

Always Good For A Laugh

The Mr had been down stairs getting his ass kicked by laying down the law to the boys yesterday morning. As he's coming back up the stairs all I hear is him mumbling to himself...

You move out of the house, asshole.

Wow, sometimes the tender, loving banter between father and son brings me to tears.

Of laughter!

February 11, 2011

Vegetable Beef Soup

The Skinny Bitch and her family were my guinea pigs for a new recipe a couple of weeks ago. Nobody died and even the kids ate it so it's a pass and therefore ready to be shared with you guys. I think it's funny to imagine your faces when you see me, Queen of I Don't Cook, sharing a recipe. Do any of you dare to try any of these?

This recipe basically came from The Better Homes and Garden's New Cookbook but as usual, I modify it within an inch of it's life and call it mine. 

*Helpful hint - this recipe takes almost 3 hours from prep to serve, schedule accordingly. Also, it's supposedly low-fat so YAY!

2lbs stew meat - beat the shit out of it. I'm serious, use a tenderizer
2 tblsp beef bullion granules
1 tsp crushed, dried oregano
1/2 tsp dried, crushed marjoram
2 bay leaves
1 - 14oz can tomatoes, chopped
2-3 cups chopped potatoes
1 - 10oz package frozen whole kernel corn
1 cup frozen green beans
1 cup sliced carrots
1 cup sliced celery
1/2 cup chopped onion

Brown meat in a large pot with vegetable oil
Drain fat, return meat to pot
Add bay leaves, bullion granules, oregano, marjoram, and 8 cups water
Bring to boil, reduce heat, simmer 2 hours

Remove meat, set aside
Strain broth with a cheesecloth to catch the herbs and seasonings and discard them
Return broth and meat to pot
Add onion, celery, carrots, green beans, corn, and potatoes to broth
Return to boiling, reduce heat, simmer 30 minutes
Season with salt and pepper to taste

I served corn bread (from a mix) with mine and it was YUMMY!

February 10, 2011

Why Did I Want Him To Read Again?

It has come to my attention that there are drawbacks to Aidan learning to read. Like now when I pull up the guide he can read that fucking Dragon Ball Whatever 

or Avatar the arrowhead boy

is on he can read that they are on and I can't get away with the old Sorry, pal, it's not on. Hate that for ya. Let me tell you something, I hate those shows. Hate them. I thought I hated Pink Panther and Doodlebops. I've had a change of heart. I'd rather take in the ass from the Pink Panther than watch Avatar. Yes, I just went there.

February 9, 2011

Wordless Wednesday - Really?

Really, Wal-Mart? Gee, I hope this whopping sale price doesn't cut into your profit margin too much.

February 8, 2011

You Can Say That Again

Brad to Michelle, "You're scaring me. You're scaring me badly."

She scares all of us, Brad. But ya know, go ahead and give the crazy bitch a rose so she can continue to scare the bejeezus out of everyone.  *multiple eyerolls* *much shaking of the head*

Why Does My Shrink Hate Me?

You remember, pardon the pun but, the insane time I had getting my appointment for my crazy pills from Dr Crazy last summer, right? Well, somehow he thought I was uncrazy enough to set my next appointment for 6 months out. We made the appointment for mid-February right then and there. 

Now mid-February is approaching and the other day they called to say, you guessed it, He won't be in that day, we need to reschedule. I just laughed. Maniacally. She asked why I was laughing, I said Lady, do you know how many times we rescheduled my first appointment last summer? I am so not surprised to be hearing from you. 

I've been assured that he will be in for my newly scheduled appointment. Place your bets now, ladies and gentlemen.

I told myself, Self, I said (because crazy people address themselves as Self when talking to themselves), if they try to reschedule one more time, you have to find a new shrink, that's it. But I've since decided that maybe I won't get a new shrink and might instead simply start a new category here on the ol' blog titled 'Dr Crazy' because really, it's somewhat entertaining. As long as I have my crazy pills. Otherwise it gets decidedly unfunny.

February 6, 2011

The Blob

I got an email from my mother in law the other day. She has finally gotten high speed internet so she writes 

"....talk me through it to get on Facebook to see your blob...."

I don't know if 'blob' was just a typo but it's damn funnier to think it wasn't. I love that woman!

February 5, 2011

Can I Block The Universe From Reading My Blog?

I've just crawled from the bowels of my own personal bout with Noon to Midnight Puke and Shit Marathon. I almost met my maker, y'all! I believe the Universe reads my blog and when I posted about the horrors of dealing with Aidan and Asher's respective rounds with this plague, it decided Oh, you think that was bad? Here ya go. Try not to die, bitch!

Now according to design thus far - Aidan had it last Sunday, Asher on Tuesday, me on Thursday - it's the Mr's turn today. Since he all but donned a haz-mat suit in my vicinity, I bet he doesn't get it. I'm sending him to run errands before noon just in case though.

Can I Block The Universe From Reading My Blog?

I've just crawled from the bowels of my own personal bout with Noon to Midnight Puke and Shit Marathon. I almost met my maker, y'all! I believe the Universe reads my blog and when I posted about the horrors of dealing with Aidan and Asher's respective rounds with this plague, it decided Oh, you think that was bad? Here ya go. Try not to die, bitch!

Now according to design thus far - Aidan had it last Sunday, Asher on Tuesday, me on Thursday - it's the Mr's turn today. Since he all but donned a haz-mat suit in my vicinity, I bet he doesn't get it. I'm sending him to run errands before noon just in case though.

February 4, 2011

For 2 Hours Each Week I Just Shake My Head In Disbelief

Do you truly know nothing of women? After this week's episode, I'm questioning this.

Taking one girl on a shopping spree and then sending her back to the other dozen girls is akin to dropping her into a pit of hungry piranha. Just mean.

Also, the producers fucked you over with that racing date. Maybe you didn't know Emily's dead fiance was a race car driver but they damn sure did. And he died in a plane crash. You remember that you took her on a plane ride on your last date, right. Maybe you could talk to them about setting you up to look like a jackass.

Michelle has been crazy from day one. She's still crazy. Do you not see? Bring it up with your shrink, he'll tell you I'm right.

Okay, that's all I got. Can't wait till next week!

February 3, 2011

A 12 Hour Bug

Or as I have come to refer to it - Noon to Midnight Puke and Shit Marathon. Aidan got it Sunday. Mercifully I was napping so the Mr dealt with it until about 4pm. And had I known, I'd have stayed my ass in there throughout the rest of the day and night because ew, fucking gross! Then comes Tuesday lunchtime and Asher starts in. 

Go ahead and form this mental picture - Asher hurls and I immediately start dry heaving because again, ew, gross. At that point I realize he has also pooped while he hurled. While he had been sitting on my lap. Oh, awesome. Repeat 26 times over the next 12 hours. And that's how that day played out. 

Now don't get me wrong, I know the boys were the ones who were sick and poor them and blah blah blah. Yes, this is all true but this whole blog is basically about how I suffer their wake so save your 'shame on you' emails and comments, 'kay? Instead you could nominate me for Mother of the Year because ew, gross!

A 12 Hour Bug

Or as I have come to refer to it - Noon to Midnight Puke and Shit Marathon. Aidan got it Sunday. Mercifully I was napping so the Mr dealt with it until about 4pm. And had I known, I'd have stayed my ass in there throughout the rest of the day and night because ew, fucking gross! Then comes Tuesday lunchtime and Asher starts in. 

Go ahead and form this mental picture - Asher hurls and I immediately start dry heaving because again, ew, gross. At that point I realize he has also pooped while he hurled. While he had been sitting on my lap. Oh, awesome. Repeat 26 times over the next 12 hours. And that's how that day played out. 

Now don't get me wrong, I know the boys were the ones who were sick and poor them and blah blah blah. Yes, this is all true but this whole blog is basically about how I suffer their wake so save your 'shame on you' emails and comments, 'kay? Instead you could nominate me for Mother of the Year because ew, gross!

February 1, 2011

Retribution by Proxy

You'd think Aidan would learn not to screw with my cousin, Lewis. Aidan screws with Lewis, Lewis duct tapes his ass up, Aidan screws with Lewis, Lewis hangs him on a door by his shirt. 

He gets to do to Aidan what I dream of doing to Aidan. It's fucking fabulous to watch, y'all.

This past weekend while my sister and nephews were visiting we enjoyed one balmy afternoon where the kids could go outside and play. Almost instantly a snowball fight breaks out. 

Aidan screws with Lewis
Lewis shoves Aidan's face in a snow bank
Fuckin' fabulous!