June 26, 2011

No. Freakin'. Way.

Debbie Gibson and Tiffany? Right here where just a couple weeks ago I enjoyed the fabulous Mumford and Sons? It's on like donkey kong, y'all! 

Speaking of that Mumford and Sons concert.  O. M. G.  That was the best concert I've ever been to. The opening acts were Nathaniel Rateliff - click on image for his website

and Matthew and the Atlas - click on image for their MySpace Music page
Both acts were great. Seriously, go listen to some of their music and if you don't like it, well, don't tell me because I will think less of you. Just being honest.

Mumford and Sons did not disappoint. Now I have a huge crush on Marcus Mumford. And he wears skinny jeans so for me to overlook that, they've GOT to be bomb diggity. Because really? Skinny jeans on girls are questionable but on guys? Gross. No really, ew.

Aside from the fab music and lure of men with accents, the night was really made by my partners in crime, Skinny Bitch and The Sequel, as in Skinny Bitch #2 because not only is she a skinny bitch, she shares a name with the original skinny bitch. They're like their own circus attraction. Not in a bearded lady kind of way though. Anywhooo... Here is the terrible trio that was us that night. Good times!
Is it just me or is my head enormous??? Nevermind, don't answer that.
How 'bout it girls? I know you two love you some Debbie Gibson and Tiffany. I mean we all pretended to hate Tiffany in the 80's because she dated one of the New Kids on the Block and how dare she, right? But we all secretly had her cassette tape. Remember cassette tapes? *shakes head* .

♬ I think we're alone now... ♬

June 24, 2011


Despite the rough start to Aidan's teeball career, he's really taken to it. Not to get all mushy or anything but isn't he the cutest little teeball player?

June 23, 2011

Now I Understand

Suddenly I'm not so 'oh pipe down ya freakin' ninnies' in regard to those who got all pissed over the attire chosen by Katy Perry for her appearance on Sesame Street.

Why the charge of heart? Well, I've had to pull out all the stops to avoid answering Aidan's question of "Mama, what's a menage a trois?" So thanks for that, Katy, truly.

June 22, 2011

Gawd, Brody, Must You???

I've come to realize that Brody is kind of an asshole. I mean, pulling a Mike Tyson on Roscoe was one thing but as of today he's on a whole new level of asshole-ness.  He has now peed on all of the dogs within three blocks of our house. 

Oh yes, he pisses on them. And he lures them in to take his aim. If the dog doesn't run to the fence when we walk by, Brody will stop and bark until they do. Then, once they're within range, he literally turns up his nose, turns his head away and then raises that leg. And he's got deadly aim. I shudder to think of how our neighbor dogs smell after a Brody encounter. What a jerk!

June 21, 2011


I think I said before that my sister and her boys moved here and are staying with us until their furniture is delivered to their new place. I've also mentioned that the Mr has been held captive at work 70+ hours a week but quite honestly it's actually good that he's not at home being subjected to all this chaos. You see, he's exceptionally somewhat anal retentive and the 4 little boys? Not so much. Well, on Sunday - Father's Day - he was hiding sleeping in and I brought him his breakfast in bed. I'm staring at him waiting for my praises and here goes that conversation...

Mr - What are you looking at? 

Me - *in my head* Are you giving me an attitude right now? *out loud* I'm just waiting for the poison to kick in. 

Mr - *deadpan* It'd be a blessing.

Me - *eyeroll* Oh, puh-leeze!

June 20, 2011

Chewing the Fat

Aidan is not unlike me in an anti-anorexic way - he has love handles. They're kinda cute actually. So one day they boys are down stairs and Aidan starts wailing and he comes up squalling about Asher hitting him. I asked Asher where he hit him because Aidan was unable to articulate that part. Asher's answer? "I hit him on that fat part of his back!"


Which reminds me of one day when Asher said something about Aidan being fat and Aidan says to me "You know, Mama, someone must have heard Asher say I was fat cuz someone on the bus said it, too." As if the only way they would have come up with that was to overhear Asher say it. That made me feel two very distinct emotions - First, ooey gooey mom love - Aw, sweet Aidan, I love you my sweet sweet boy! and Second, red hot anger - Which little bastard called you fat cuz I'm gonna beat his skinny little ass! The first brat who makes him cry with a remark like that will find him/herself with one pissed off mama bear on their ass. He might make me wish I was dead sixteen times a day but nobody better hurt him, by God!

June 14, 2011

People Are Stupid

Yes, stupid. As often as I jump on the kids for saying 'stupid', I am perfectly comfortable saying the person who said this is, well, stupid.

I've mentioned before that our fine city is bracing for some massive flooding. It's all anyone can talk about. Last night at Aidan's teeball game - I will get around to posting those pics and videos at some point, scout's honor - people were throwing around facts - and I use the term 'facts' loosely - about the flooding. 

Insert quote-y fingers here - "The government is saying this is going to be the biggest man-made, natural disaster in U.S. history."

Oh, really? Really? Man-made natural disaster? Do you hear the idiocy in that term? Yeah, you're probably right since I'm not aware of any of any other man-made, natural disasters, this will probably be the biggest one ever, you dumbass!

June 12, 2011

This Could Be The End

For reals, this blog, my house, my kids, the Mr, me... we might not make it. Here's why...

Our city is precariously on the verge of massive flooding and duh, it's all the fault of my husband - or so says John Q Citizen - so he's going in to work early, coming home way late, working Saturdays. This leads to #1 - if I want to get my run in then it has to start at 5am instead of 6am. #2 - he's ass tired and much less likely to come home and cook us dinner. I know, slacker, right? In the end he's tired, I'm tired and now, #3 we're all hungry. 

Also a by-product of impending natural disaster, the shelter where I volunteer is holding animals from evacuated flood areas for people, aw, how sweet. Except that now the shelter is evacuating, bummer. All the county animals are fostered by volunteers - yep, me included. We have Rosco, a chocolate lab about the same size as Brody. What's an extra 100 pounds of dog in the grand scheme of things? The two proverbial bulls in the china shop got along famously until last night when the question of dominance was ferociously settled when Brody snapped and pulled a Mike Tyson on Rosco. His ear bled profusely for an hour plus. I broke it to my husband that if I ever disappear he's going to prison because there is blood  e v e r y w h e r e.  Better alter your escape plan, baby.  Clearly Brody is an asshole so I took Rosco back to the make-shift shelter in tears today.

And finally, my kid sister - she loves it when I call her that - is here with her two sons. They are moving here to our fine flooded city and are staying at our house until all their stuff is delivered. So let's recap this chaos - four little boys ages 3 to 7, two 100 pound dogs, and three rather traumatized adults under the same roof. Feel sorry for us yet? Now you know why I just now approved comments from Monday here on ye ol' blog.

June 7, 2011

What Did You Just Say?

Yesterday I cleaned Goodwill out of all of their books. Okay, they have a few left but I came home with 39 of them. I was a happy girl. 

And then Aidan opened his big damn mouth.

Gosh, Mom, you have a lot of chapter books. You read too many books. You need to stop reading and get some exercise.

Excuse me? What did you just say? I ran five miles this morning before you were even awake plotting your reign of terror over my life so shut the hell up!

Yeah well, you're still a couch potato. A couch potato that reads too many chapter books.

And then he took a chapter book to the back of the head as he walked away. I mean, really? I don't recall a couch in the backyard where I sit for hours every day while you swing the bat like you're having a seizure all the while rambling on about how Asher's pitches are so wild. There's no couch at the park for our three hour outings. I'm not on a couch at your baseball games - no sir, those are metal bleachers capable of scorching the skin from my body as I sit out in the blazing sun, not a shade tree in sight. I certainly do not make your breakfast, lunch, dinner, and numerous snacks throughout the day from a couch. I don't lounge on a couch while I watch you ride your scooter out front - also in the blazing hot sun, I might add. You know, for a girl who despises the heat and loves nothing more than curling up on the couch with a chapter book, I spend a helluva lot of time out in the heat, off of the couch for your little punk ass. Jerk.

June 3, 2011

Dear Skinny Bitch

Dear Skinny Bitch,

I got shit on.

Yes, shit on. A bird shit. on. me. during my run. A run which I would never had been on if it hadn't been for you. So thanks for that. In retaliation, I'm sending my kids over. Smooches!

June 2, 2011

No Fair!

Holy hell, those two words used together are no longer allowed in this house. I hear this at least 3400 times a day. No fair! Aidan bet me upstairs! No fair! Asher gets the blue bowl! No fair! He got more milk than me! No fair! No fair! No fair! For the love of God, STOP SAYING NO FAIR OR I'M GOING TO WRAP DUCT TAPE AROUND YOUR HEAD WITH ONLY SMALL HOLES AT YOUR NOSTRILS BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO JAIL OVER NO FAIR!

They fight over the most asinine things. I swear on my laptop they have actually thrown down over a rock. A ROCK! They fight over who brushes his teeth first and which one gets the mail. They fight over who gets the last kiss at bedtime and who gets on the front of the double swing. They argue about who Brody loves more and who made it down the slide the fastest. Honest to goodness tears are shed over who gets the blue bowl as opposed to the green bowl for cereal. It never ends. Mr was picking up Brody poo in the yard and the boys nearly came to blows over who got to hold the poop bag. Then, when he was telling me about this Aidan pipes up with I found two more piles than Asher! followed by a Did not, me found more poop!

Just let that sink in. You smellin' what I'm steppin' in? Pardon the pun, I couldn't resist.

The point is this goes on and on, day after after day, non-stop from 6am until sweet baby Jesus puts me out of my misery with bedtime. It's important to note that during the summer their bedtime is not the strict 8pm of the school year. I think I could put forth a fabulous argument that the 8pm bedtime might be even more pertinent during the summer months because without that definite time for me to mentally countdown the hours of my pain we might not all survive. And if I drive myself off a cliff - yes, there are a few cliffs in Iowa - the one I leave behind will never find a nanny that Aidan and Asher won't chew up, spit out, and then fight over who took the biggest bite. He could pretty much forget remarriage until they go off to prison college.

June 1, 2011

It's All Aidan's Fault

Okay, it's a little bit Asher's fault, too. Aidan started teeball with a practice last week. His first game was yesterday - photos and video to come - so after I spent a small fortune on balls and gloves and helmets and bats and sports drinks the boys practiced all. day long. Which means I was outside with them all. day. long. And that is why by the time it came game time at 7pm I had to wear long sleeves because underneath I was rockin' this

So, in conclusion, if running doesn't kill me - and I still hold steadfast that it might - the kid's summer vacation might. Mark my words.