April 28, 2011

Oh, Ew!

Today I witnessed something that none of the warnings about the levels of gross to which boys aspire could prepare me for.

I am walking toward the house where the boys were playing with their friends and just over the hill I see roughly five little boys coming toward me. As they reach the crest it is revealed that they are dragging behind them a... 

wait for this one, it's a whopper... 

a deer carcass - skull with plenty of meat still on it still attached to a spine and rib cage. You'd have thought they were pulling up buried treasure - pure joy and pride emanating from their faces. I almost didn't have the heart to shriek and scream for my boys to get their hands off of it. Almost.

April 27, 2011

This Is Brody's World

We're just living in it.

Brody enjoys a luxury no other dog of ours enjoyed - he lays on the couch. All over the couch. Cuz he's a big boy. And he doesn't just lay there, he cuddles. But first he repositions you to suit him and what suits him is the more of his body he can get onto your lap, the better. 92.5 pounds of lap dog.

I've learned that one of his skills is covert counter cruising - the other day he snatched a pork chop I had thawing on the bar counter. Silly me, I forget he's part horse so we need to thaw stuff on top of the fridge to keep it safe. Instead of getting angry I marveled at his stealth - he never made a sound save the final crunch of the bone. There's something to be said for that!

You should have seen the doofus dance with his reflection and then growl and bark at himself. At one point he actually jumped up on the counter. That's a big son of a B on that little counter!

When we take Aidan to school or pick him up from the bus stop, Brody sits in the front seat. Sometimes he'll sit in the middle seats with the boys but he scoffs and I swear I hear him say  Uh no, that doesn't really work for me when I dare suggest he sit in the very back where there is a sheet laid down especially for him. What was I thinking?

I don't think I mentioned that while he was on the lam, Brody apparently tangled with a skunk. Two weeks, a bottle of stink removing spray and an ENTIRE bottle of Skunk Off Shampoo and he's finally fresh as a daisy. Yes, I loved him even when he smelled skunky. 

A couple of times when he's not my fave? When he pisses on the back of our couch he's only still living because it's leather and we got to it right away. Also, when he craps fire-logs on the carpet. No, for real, big boy = big poo. All of these indiscretions occurred downstairs where the boys live. By virtue of being where the boys live, a plethora of phantom smells emanates from down there already, we could do without Brody to adding to it.

So that's how it's going with Blockhead. He's got quite a personality and adds an interesting dynamic to the house. I suspect that soon he'll have his very own Legendary BS series just like Aidan and Asher.

April 26, 2011

Deny Deny Deny

I pulled a lot of shit when I was a teenager. A lot. And I was good at it because I didn't get caught.

Okay, one time I got caught. Funny story...
My high school was a closed campus - as in we weren't allowed to leave school grounds for lunch. So naturally my friends and I took off every day for lunch. One day I was roaming the halls during the class right after lunch when the assistant principal called me over.

Jones (let's assume my last name was Jones back then) did you leave campus for lunch today?

Leave? No, sir, I ate stromboli with everyone else. *Note, I always knew the menu in case of a closed campus infraction sting such as this.

Really.  Stromboli? I don't recall seeing you at lunch. Are you sure?

Yep. Ham Stromboli.

Hmmm... Walk with me, Jones. 

*We head toward the cafeteria which overlooks the parking lot*

Jones, are you absolutely sure you ate lunch here at school today? Because I have a feeling you went to Sonic.

In my head How in the sam hell does he know that?!?!  Out loud Pretty sure, sir.

Hmmm... Take a look at your car, Jones.

I turn to see my car in the front row with a bright red Sonic tray rolled up in the window.

Oh. That. Maybe I did have Sonic after all.

After a good chuckle Go back to class, Jones, and return the tray after school.

That was it, he never mentioned it again. I like to think he let me off because he admired my spunk but it was more likely he just didn't want to do the paperwork to formally punish me.  And that was fine with me.

April 25, 2011

Musical Monday - Easter Music

My Facebook status update from 8am on Easter

It's Easter Sunday - Aidan is singing Gangster's Paradise. I've done something wrong, haven't I?
Yes, Aidan was hunting eggs and singing 'as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my life...' I was like What are you singing? And where could you have heard that? Seriously, only Aidan...

April 21, 2011

You Got WHAT From Me?!?!

I woke up to a flurry of emails, texts, and calls asking why I sent an email with no subject containing only a porn link at 5am.

Really, guys? *eyeroll* Let's take this step by step.

For one, I think I'm pretty good about putting a subject in the subject space. I like to prepare my audience for what I have planned for them. However I am not good at removing the 6000 Re:'s two hours into an email conversation. I figure that should be the other party's duty. I have a bit of a delegatory personality type. It works for me. Anyway, no subject = your first clue.

Next, have I ever, in all the time we've corresponded via email, forwarded porn to you? Note: even if I had, I certainly did not CC my grandmother. Now assuming I did forward you and my grandmother porn, I would have at the very least warned you to make sure children weren't around. What? I'd totally be a conscientious porn distributor! Porn link = clue #2

Lastly, yet probably the most blatant warning sign, the 5am time-stamp. You guys should have seen that and immediately thought Damn, Amanda got hacked, no way is she up at 5am. Not even for porn. And you'd have been right. 5am time-stamp = clue #3.

I am somewhat surprised to have to ask this question but Who, in this day and age, actually clicks on a link in a suspicious email like that? I'll own up to allowing my account to get hacked but you're gonna have to shoulder a little bit of the burden for clicking the link. I'm just sayin'...

Something that is not helpful while I am frantically running scans on my computer and changing passwords all over the damn internet? Sixteen replies to said email containing said link which may or may not be carrying the virus I am desperately trying to eradicate. It's just counterproductive. Also irritating.

And finally, people, use the BCC feature when you send your uplifting messages and pictures of kittens in trees to everyone in your contact list. That's Blind Carbon Copy, folks, it means you can spam encourage your friends without sharing their personal email address with all of them and all of their friends when they, in turn, spam encourage them, and so on and so forth. Or, ya know, just don't send me that shit in the first place. Honestly, I have crazy pills to encourage me.

April 18, 2011

Musical Monday - Mumford and Sons

Dude, the Skinny Bitch snagged us tickets to see Mumford and Sons here in Council Bluffs in June!!! I can hardly stand myself I am so damn excited! I fell in love with The Cave and now I can't get enough of  Little Lion Man,
I'm officially a Mumford and Sons groupie.

April 16, 2011

Happy Birthday To Me

And to the one I married, I guess. His was Thursday and so for 2 days he was three years older than me rather than two. Not that it matters, I don't have birthday's anymore, I celebrate anniversaries of my 29th - effectively leaving me eternally 29, see how that works?  Genius, I know.

I spent my birthday money on new running shoes and registration fees for two 5K races coming up. Purty, hu?
He spent his on huntin' gear - shocking, I know - and blew out candles on a fudge cake with fudge icing courtesy of me. And by 'courtesy of me' I mean I went to the store and bought it.
and I got fudge - chocolate peanut butter, heath, mint, dark chocolate, and s'more. Oh yes, s'more fudge, y'all! It's as good as you might imagine. Does he love me or what?
Happy birthday to us!!!

April 15, 2011

You Need Documentation?

Dear Flexible Spending Debit Card Nazis,

I need some clarification on exactly why you need documentation to approve certain purchases with our Flexible Spending Debit Card. What is it that you imagine we might be paying for at a hospital besides health-care related services? Do you think we're trying to do our summer clothes shopping at the gift shop? And Pearle Vision? What contraband might we be procuring from the damn eye doctor? Yet we can throw down $180 at a Walgreen's where we could be buying anything from lip gloss to milk and no questions asked? I'm damn sick of digging out statements and receipts and scanning and emailing and faxing you guys shit to explain transactions that are pretty self explanatory. Get off my ass before I fire off a smart ass email and get my husband in trouble at work.

Short Fused Flex Client

April 14, 2011

Am I A Soccer Mom Now?

Aidan is done with indoor soccer and now our Saturday mornings are filled with Asher playing outdoor soccer. A couple things to keep in mind - this is a group of 2 to 3 year olds and there is a playground just beyond the soccer field. Also, most of the 'coaches' are members of the actual coach's college team - you know, childless college kids. You see where this is going?

Right out of the gate us parents had a good laugh when the coaches yell and gesture for the kids to come to one end of the field - the end where the playground is - and the whole group high tails it right past them toward the playground. Amateurs!

There is also a grove of trees along one side of the field. At any given time there were approximately 4 kids hauling ass to the grove trailed by one of the coaches begging them to come back, holding out a soccer ball like a lollipop in an attempt to lure the kids back. We parents are on the sidelines taking bets on which coach loses their shit on one of the kids first. Entertainment in it's purest form, folks.

Since the kids are so young, it's really more to get them familiar with the ball and practice stopping and kicking the ball rather than playing an actual game. Asher already knows a little more than most of the other kids so he spends a lot of time waiting for the others. He loves it though. I got a couple action shots at the first 'game'.

April 13, 2011

Meet Brody Blockhead

Last Monday I innocently go down to the county shelter to fill out paperwork to volunteer and wound up with visions of a young female black lab named Belle dancing in my head. I'm notorious for snap decision making - the repercussions of which are epic but never-mind all that, I informed Mr about his future dog right away. He scoffed and inquired about another dog there we had seen on Petfinder - Bear. They told me that Bear was real sweet but very big and kinda rowdy and besides, he was male and we wanted a female and I only had eyes for Belle. On Wednesday I brought Aidan to the shelter and we took Belle out to play with her. I'll never admit it out loud but I had a couple flashes of "eh, something isn't so perfect anymore" that day but I'm nothing if not persistent so on Friday Mr took off work and we went to introduce him to his new dog. 

He wasn't impressed and I wasn't her advocate anymore so we decided to check out Bear just to see how he 'felt'. And he basically chose us. I think I heard him say Look deeply into my eyes, you love me, you want to adopt me... We picked him up Saturday afternoon and he's curled up on the couch next to me as I type this. 

Oh yes, he's on the couch. An arrangement Mr is not thrilled about but is putting up with for me. We have renamed him Brody since he was only Bear for the couple of weeks he was at the shelter and he even has a nickname - Blockhead - via the my husband. He's a lot of what we said we didn't want - older than 2, male, and lab - and yet, he's perfect.

So say hello to Brody, all 92.5 pounds of him. This time I'm SURE he's a keeper.

April 5, 2011

To Ask Or Not To Ask

I was still working at parole when I got pregnant with Aidan. When I began to show I would see the parolees looking at my pooch but most were smart enough, or too scared, to ask. Except one guy. He kept glancing down and starting to ask but stopping himself. I guess the urge for small talk overrode his hesitation and soon he took the chance.

Officer Amanda? (they didn't call me Amanda but for blog purposes let's go with that...)


When.. um, are you.. due?

*evil thought enters my mind* What?!?! Due? What the hell are you asking me?

Oh shit, I'm sorry Mrs Amanda, um, oh God, I knew I shouldn't have said anything! Shit! I'm...

*smirk* Just kiddin', due in August.

Jeee-susss Christ, Mrs Amanda! You scared the SHIT outta me! You wrong for that Officer Amanda!

I don't know what he was so scared of, it wasn't like we could actually put them in jail - not locally anyway. But that's a rant for another blog post.

April 4, 2011

Musical Monday - The Cave

Much thanks to Geekabella for showing me the light that is Mumford & Sons. Holy shit is all I can say.