March 31, 2011

So Much WTF

Why do my kids insist on talking to me constantly when I have earbuds in, very obviously ignoring them? And they don't just talk, they're asking me questions. It baffles my mind - like when the dentist asks you shit after he wedges your jaw open with a foam block. WTF?

I'm wearing glasses this week because I have pink eye. Why is it so damn hard to get the lenses clean? No matter what material I use, how long, how hard or how soft I rub there is perpetually a greasy, blurry spot smack dab in my line of vision.WTF?

Speaking of pink eye - Dr said I got it from a sinus infection. I think I got it from these two little germ sponges I call my children. Sore throat, cough, runny nose, ear aches... Aidan had it all of about a day and a half because he's too damn mean for it to stick around. Asher hung on to it a few days and milked it for all it was worth. The Mr got only a bit of sore throat and coughing. He got pink eye too but don't try to tell him that *eyeroll*. Me? I'm down a lung, my nostrils are red and chapped from blowing my nose, and there have been moments when I was certain that the front of my face/head was going to explode outward. And this is going on Day 7 for me. WTF?

Aidan is almost done with indoor soccer. Baseball is next. Only I made the mistake of saying 'teeball' so he didn't want to play because he wants to play baseball. No amount of explaining the reality that teeball IS baseball penetrated his thick skull and I was having a hard time giving a damn if he plays or not. A day later he comes to me and asks if he can play teeball - like he just came up with it and the previously mentioned tantrum over teeball vs baseball never happened. WTF?

I am accompanying Aidan's class to the zoo on Friday. No, I'm not sure WTF I was thinking. Bet I get a blog post or two out of it though. That is if I don't feed myself to the sharks to escape the hell that a group of 258 kids at the zoo will surely be.

March 26, 2011

I Met The Dog I Don't Want

Today was my first day volunteering at the local animal shelter. We took several dogs and cats over to PetSmart to try to get them adopted by guilt tripping unsuspecting shoppers with the poor little guys. I had Marley, a 2 1/2 year old male Cocker Spaniel. I was strongly warned that he can't be around ANY children. He's got some issues with kids. So do I, Marley, so do I. With two little boys in particular. Also he's been kicked out of three grooming salons because he bites the groomer so he looks a bit like a wild child anyway. So Fabulous, I've got the bastard of the bunch, I thought as I gathered his stuff up for the trip to the store.

It was snowing/raining so the ground was wet and muddy and Marley stomps through the puddles like a toddler right before I lift his wet ass up into the back of the Jeep. I can't bring myself to discuss the mess back there yet. The smell, however... Ew. 'Nuff said.

At PetSmart we walk in the door and immediately two kids descend upon Marley because he doesn't look like the child killer he is rumored to be. So I have to yank Marley back and simultaneously break the little kid's heart by telling him he can't pet the dog. This scene repeats itself over and over AND OVER for the next 3 hours. Pepper in ten or so trips outside into the blowing snow and rain for bathroom breaks only to have Marley come back into the store and shit and piss in the aisle and there you have my Saturday afternoon. 

Marley came back to the shelter with me. Duh. 

Obviously Marley and Me get it, Marley & Me, like the book and movie? aren't a match made in heaven but he is a sweet dog and I hope he'll find the perfect people and home. A home where children are unwelcome. Like my house will be once the boys age out.

I will be doing the PetSmart adoption fair again and the kids and I are going to be volunteering to walk and play with the dogs at the shelter as soon as we've had an orientation. Yeah, to teach us how to walk and play with dogs. Oookaaayyyy... I guess I figure since we clearly don't know what kind of dog we want and aren't really ready for one just yet we can at least help out a little.

March 24, 2011

I'm Not Strong Enough

That's it. I'm going to have to unsubscribe, unfollow, and/or unlike these animal rescue sites, pages, and newsletters. I don't have enough money to help them all. I don't have enough time to spend crying over the To Be Euthanized Tonight and Gone But Not Forgotten photo albums. This may surprise you but I don't even have sufficient anger for all the wretched mother fuckers who do awful things to these dogs. I can't take it. I just spent an hour scrolling through pages and PAGES and  P A G E S  of these sweet dogs wagging their tails in some shitty shelter, grateful for the food they're getting, soaking up what affection they can get from volunteers and staff only to get the proverbial needle in the arm. And that's if they're "lucky" - I can't even think about the ones who end up in some rural 'humane society' where Backwoods Bubba decided bullets are cheaper than the proper euthanasia drug cocktail. It all just makes me sick and  sad and helpless and angry and just... *shakes head slowly*.  There is a handy dandy donate button for the ASPCA over on my sidebar, click it and give. Or donate to your local shelter. Every little bit helps.

I've often said that I donate to animal charities because I just don't give much of a shit about my fellow man. It's true. But I'll get all up in arms over an animal. I remember a guy I had on parole way back when - you know, before I knew all the words to the Phineas and Ferb title sequence. I had met with him a couple times before, he was doing well - paying his fees, had a job, wasn't a piece of shit sex offender - in fact I remember mentally putting him on the I Wouldn't Totally Freak Out To Run Into Him At My Neighborhood Grocery Store. Then I saw two animal cruelty charges on his record - misdemeanor charges being in backward ass No Felony Charges For Animal Cruelty No Matter How Terrible The Cruelty Arkansas (the laws have since changed, thank you Governor Beebe). Gone was said parolee's laid back, not totally up your ass parole officer he met with before. He was on my shit list and he quickly found that out, he just didn't know why. I treated him to more than his fair share of random drug testing, checked up on him at his job, made multiple home visits and searched everything... I was itching for him to screw up so I could nail his ass to the wall. Lucky for him he never did and eventually got off paper. On his last visit I told him why I had ridden his ass so hard. He looked relieved which led me to believe he had thought I was onto him for some other shit he pulled that I never caught him at.

So, that's just an example of how I was able to use the little bit of power I wielded in that job to even up a score. Best damn job I ever had! Yeah yeah, aside from my job as a mother, yada yada yada, blah blah blah. I traded supervising felons for raising them - my little contribution to society. Bwahahahaha!! 

I should maybe write more about my parole days - a guy once swung his prosthetic leg at me, that was fun. Look for more in the In Another Life series!

March 21, 2011

Where Have I Been, You Ask?

Gawd, I feel like I haven't blogged in... well, 5 days. What? 5 days is a big blog deal.

I just wasted several minutes repeating big blog deal over and over - it's a bit of a tongue twister. Maybe I should buy that .com domain. Hmmm...

Anywhoooo, much has happened since we last conversed.

Millie went back where she came from. Yes, I'm an asshole. But after all the shitting in the house, running away, growling at Aidan, digging in the yard, getting attacked by the neighbor horse dog, and just being kind of pathetically sad - it was the right decision. You should have seen her literally smiling when she went back to her people. I hope they decide to keep her because she LOVES them! We need some more time before we're ready to let another dog take Lexi's place.

My mom came to visit so the boys had someone to show their asses for. And show their asses they did - which was uber-annoying considering they were both hacking up a lung and sounded like they should have been bed ridden, read: quiet.

On Saturday evening my mom, my aunt, my grandma, and I went to hear Jane Goodall lecture at Nebraska Wesleyan University in Lincoln. That was cool! I left feeling like a useless turd but it was cool none-the-less. I mean I think we're all useless turds compared to Jane freakin' Goodall.

It's upgrade/renew or switch cell carriers time for us. My Blackberry Curve is my BFF but it's old and the scroll ball falls out all the damn time and the space bar rarely works so I end up sending texts that look like this


It's fucking irritating for both parties. So I decided to get a newer Blackberry Curve because I truly love mine minus the broken scroll ball and space bar. The 9330 came and within four hours I had it packaged back up and a UPS pick up scheduled for the next morning. Fuck the 9330! Now I'm asking myself, Self, should you get a Droid? I don't know. Blackberry Bold or Motorolla Milestone? Skinny Bitch told me to get with the times and go Droid. I pretty much copy everything she does, why not this? He wants a Droid and the Milestone is buy one get one free soooo, I think I'm getting a Droid. Should I go Droid?

In Can You Believe Amanda Is Still Running? news, I have surpassed 100 miles in 2011. In Look How Very Bookish Amanda Is! news, I'm on book #15 in 2011. Why yes, I am bragging a bit. It's MY blog. See how that works?

March 17, 2011

Breakdown of a 4 Mile Run

These are the thoughts in my head as I run my usual 4.2 mile route three to five times a week.

Mile 0 to .5 - I should try to go 5 miles today

Mile .5 to 1 - I could go 6 miles today, no problem. *Note: I'm going downhill here*

Mile 1 to 2 - Maybe just 5 miles today. *Note: A few inclines along this portion of the route*

Mile 2 to 3 - Yeah 4 miles is good for today. *Note: The inclines continue*

Mile 3 to 3.5 - Three fourths of the way done, I'm tired, I hate this, why do I do this, don't be a baby, I should have at least tried for five miles today, speed up a little, weenie!

Mile 3.5 to 3.8 - I'm never speaking to Skinny Bitch again! *Note: Huge fucking hill here!*

Mile 3.8 to 4.2 - Oh thank you Baby Jesus, I'm almost home, please don't let me die here in the street... *Glare over at Skinny Bitch's house as I limp and pant my way up to my porch.*

March 15, 2011

Reality Stars Are Just Like Us!

Ok, I've said this before but I think I'm really done blogging about the Bachelor(ette). Only this time I think I'm for real. And here's why... shit got too real last night. I don't watch reality TV to see real life, mkay? I mean if a Bachelor relationship is gonna go down in flames, let's do it Jake/Vienna style, shall we? I want to see a knock down, drag out, snot and insult slinging, storming off the stage, battle royale. What happened last night with Emily and Brad? Bummer. Kind of like too much month at the end of the money, usual marriage and life bummer. I don't need that on my reality TV.

So, to recap - I spent all season thinking Brad picked Chantal (and he totally should have), then he picked Emily and proposed beautifully and perfectly, and BAM! Brad and Emily come back beat down by real life but trying to pretend they might still make it. Also, I hear Ashley H is the new Bachelorette and I just can't make myself care about her.

March 14, 2011

I Have A 6 Year Old Infant

Oh Em Geeeee, y'all! If Aidan doesn't stop dissolving into tears over the slightest little thing, I'm gonna to call the rescue we got Millie from and see if we can't re-home him.

Fucking hell.

We're having  a n y t h i n g  other than mashed potatoes for dinner? Tears!

He has to wear jeans to school? Tears!

Time for bed? Tears!

Asher looks at him? Tears!

And often in addition to the tears there is a dramatic collapsing onto the floor followed by wailing that will make your ears bleed. He's ridiculous!

March 13, 2011

A Family of 5 Again

We ran the gamut that is rescue dog adoption and came out a hundred and fifty bucks lighter but holding a 2yr old Saint Bernard mix named Millie. Consider this her formal introduction. I imagine she'll be in the background of many a photo and video in the future. 


March 10, 2011

Typical Morning

This is the kind of nonsense that goes on EVERY MORNING OF MY LIFE. You need the sound but be prepared because the screams are shrill.


I'm going to buy every single piece of music this man ever does. Say what you will about his on-stage moves but damn, the guy can sing my clothes off his ass off!

March 9, 2011

Bring On The Book Fair

The Book Fair is at Aidan's school this week. Last time we spend like $60 and I thought my husband was going to draw up divorce papers. This time Aidan picked out a mere $34 worth of books he wanted. I gave him $6 to buy ONE book and donate the rest to their 'donate to buy books for some random kids program'. 

Done. Or so you'd think. 

He comes home with TWO books because Teacher let him use the donation portion to buy another book. 

I really wouldn't think anything of that except that at lunch that very day, the Mr predicted that even though I wrote out a note detailing how Aidan was to spend his money, he'd spend the donation money on himself. I was secure in the belief that No, not with a note. And what the hell happened? 

I flippin' hate it when he's right like that! I also hate saying flippin' instead of fuckin'.

At this point you'd think the Book Fair issue was over. It's not. It's only Wednesday and Aidan's scheming to get more books. He's doing random chores and expecting payment for them. Like putting his dirty clothes in the laundry room. You know, like I tell him to do EIGHT times a day? Or wiping his pee off the side of the toilet that he's not supposed to be standing in front of. Even washing dishes. And by washing I mean swishing luke-warm water around in a dirty pan and setting it right side up in the dish drainer.

Still, I think I could pretty much get him to do anything this week. Best part? I never agreed to this doing chores for money nonsense so it's basically free labor. Yeah, bring on the Book Fair!

March 8, 2011

Best Women Tell All EVER

Hey girls, way to flip the script. I mean I turned on the TV ready to be blown away by the amount of Michelle-crazy that didn't get shown and I end up blown away by what complete bitches the rest of you are.

Okay, picture this. Two women in a car and in the rear view mirror is a line drawn across the road they just passed. There is a big sign, you know like the ones that announce that you've arrived in Missouri, only this one announces that you've just crossed the Cunt County Line. Stacey is driving and Jackie is in the passenger seat. The mean ass blonde that I never saw before tonight is in the backseat and I'll throw in one or two of the others just to fill up this theoretical car. They all saw the line before they crossed it but they put the pedal to the metal anyway.

That pretty much sums up last nights episode. You really just have to watch it to truly appreciate it. Such wonderful trash TV!

March 7, 2011

You Try To Title This Post

I was going to go into an all out rant about the headline Bieber's Hair Clippings Sell For More Than 40K but then I read that the proceeds were donated to The Gentle Barn and I got all teary eyed. Such a girl!

It seems I got punked about the ending of The Bachelor this season. Because Reality Steve got punked. Maybe Brad was into Ricki Tik after-all. Whatev.

So so so much I want to say about Charlie Sheen but I'll just sum it up by saying I'm thinking of opening up a new Twitter account just to follow his crazy fucking tweets. I imagine they're epic.

Yes, there's a pop up ad on Martians. It will only come up once for each visitor and there's an X for it. You can just close it. Or, you know, click the ad and let me make six cents. Wouldn't kill ya....

March 6, 2011

I Just Want To Adopt A Dog!

Look, I get that rescues and shelters need to screen potential dog owners BUT... I'm pretty sure we could adopt a baby boy from Russia easier than we can get a meet and greet with a rescue dog around here. 

Also, $300 for an adult mixed breed with health problems? A three page application? Home visit? Cavity search? Then you're going to treat us like you're the fucking parole board granting us permission to think about your rescue dog? And you wonder why people buy puppies from puppy-mills and pet stores.

Why don't you ease up and consider for just a moment that we might just be a family looking for a dog. That we won't be using the dog for target practice or force feeding it antifreeze. Maybe, just maybe, we've given this some thought and might even be prepared for a dog. Miracles do occur!

March 3, 2011

You Say Tomato...

Disclaimer: This isn't about tomatoes, it's about the dread-mill. 

See, I have a love/hate relationship with my treadmill.  I love it because when it WON'T STOP SNOWING here in the fucking Tundra that I live in I can still get my run in. On the other hand , I loathe the thing because 3 miles on that bastard feels like 30 miles outside. I'm a lot of things, prone to gross exaggeration is not one of them.

Okay, prone to gross exaggeration is like one of the top 5 things I am but that's neither here nor there, mkay? The point is no matter how fast I go on that damn hamster wheel, it takes  f o r e v e r  to get any distance in. I'd rather be water-boarded.

See, not exaggerating at all.

That's not why I started this. I wanted to tell you that Asher calls the treadmill my Training Wheel. I affectionately call it Instrument of Lucifer.

March 1, 2011

Oh STFU, Will Ya?

"...They're trying to take all my money and leave me with no means to support my family..." ~Charlie Sheen about CBS

No means to support your family? Really, Charlie? Really? You're in danger of not being able to support your family? You've snorted more money so far in 2011 than our household will take in the entire year so ya know what I think, Charlie, do ya? I think you should take your bat-shit crazy, pompous, arrogant, drugged out, rambling ass and EAT SHIT. That's what I think. But that's just me.


Asher knows exactly ONE word of the song If It's Love by Train. And it's not even the right word. Doesn't stop him from belting it out at the top of his lungs. At least he sings it with conviction.