October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween!

Finally, something that makes this whole parenthood schtick worthwhile - Halloween. The kids get to dress up and run rampant around the neighborhood, scoring whole candy bars from several houses and wearing themselves out before I, dutiful parent that I am, confiscate the loot. It's all over now, they are mercifully sleeping and we are sampling thoroughly checking the candy for needles. I'm just sad that I won't be able to threaten them with not going trick or treating any more. 

We took the boys trick or treating at a train museum in town and as I said before, they struck gold in our neighborhood. Another Halloween survived!







He's Dead To Me

My husband was flipping through the guide on the TV when he hit the info on a movie and starts laughing. He says, Look, honey. Read the preview, is that what happened to you? The movie is described as...

Blessed
A woman is impregnated with the spawn of Satan. 


Yes, honey, that is exactly what happened to me. You supplied the Satan sperm, thankyouverymuch.

OMG, Who Is Chasing me?

It's time for the weekly What Amanda Did To Prove She's A Tool On Saturday Night. Again this week, at 8pm I went for a run. Fifteen minutes in and I'm on a pretty dark stretch of my route, lit only by passing car lights and the occasional street light. The path is a walking/bike path along the road with a field beyond the path. This would be the field that attracted the deer that tried to kill me last weekend. So I'm bebopping along listening to Cher's Just Like Jesse James, panting - although slightly less with each run, the shadow of my soon-to-be-rockin' body stretching over to my right into the field when I notice something. There's more than one shadow. 

Shit! I've got to turn this music down, I never hear anyone/thing coming. Quit weaving, Amanda, slow down, let them pass.

The other shadow slows down also. 

Fine, fucker, I'm outta here!

I speed up, the other shadow speeds up. 

What the fuck, dude?!?! Wait, this might not be good. These passing cars don't know this jerk off isn't my running partner, as soon as it's good and dark I'm dead, they'll find my body in the field being eaten by that fucking doe from last weekend!

The other shadow is gaining on me.

Shit, shit, shit! I've got nuthin'! No gun, no mace, no keys, no cell phone. I fucking knew this running bullshit was going to kill me!

The other shadow is right. on. top. of me. My heart is racing.

Hell, maybe I'll survive, I'm gonna at least see his face.

The other shadow passes my shadow.  Car also passes. I turn around to see... nothing.

What the...?

I turn back around to see the other shadow is now way ahead of my shadow. BECAUSE IT'S MY SHADOW!  Apparently I'm not yet used to how lights from different sources and passing vehicles move shadows at night. I literally scared the shit out of myself. I also managed to both run from and outrun myself. There's a talent in that, folks. 

October 30, 2010

30 Days, Day 30

Hopes, dreams, plans past this next year.

I made it all 30 days! Where's my prize?

No prize? Why the hell have I been doing this all month? What a buncha bullshit!

What are my hopes, dreams, plans past this next year? I don't know, live? Maybe keep the kids alive? Probably keep blogging - you're welcome. I'd like to leave the country (for an extended vacation) at some point before I die. I plan on getting Lasik eye surgery so when the kids are up in the middle of the night I don't have to feel around for my glasses before I go downstairs to chew their asses out. Perhaps I can find a way to stop getting older. These are just a few ideas. 

October 29, 2010

30 Days, Day 29

Hopes, dreams, plans for the next 365 days.

Oh, you want to know my hopes for the next year? My dreams? Puh-leeze, this is bordering on sappy. Okay, my hopes, dreams, and plans for the next year. 

I hope to NOT get pregnant within the next 365 days. If I do, I plan on suing the makers of Mirena and a certain obstetrician in Arkansas. I dream the settlement will cover a nanny for 18 years. 

I hope to get this blog completely renamed and redesigned within the next 365 days. I plan the shit out of it every damn day. I dream my earnings will go from 18 cents a day to, say, a buck?

I hope to not move again for the next 4015 days. If the idea comes up, I plan on digging my heels in and refusing like I'm a damn toddler. I dream it will work.

I plan on...

God I can't even write it. I can't believe this is happening to me. 

I plan on running a 5K within the next year. Actually I'm looking at early November. Thanks a bunch, Skinny Bitch!

I dream I get new bedding and curtains for our bedroom. I plan on not playing fair to get my way. I hope my husband falls for it.

I dream Asher is in preschool within the 365 days.

I plan on hitting my 50 books in 2010. I hope to be well on my way to 60 by this time next year.

I hope my sister and my nephews can come visit this winter. We plan on tearing up the Bluffs!

I dream of going back to school for my Masters, opening my own book store, or somehow working and making my own money within the next 365 days. Or someone could start paying me for this blog, that's one option. 

Tomorrow hopes, dreams, plans past the next year.

October 28, 2010

Maybe They Don't Have Kids

Dear Makers of Yoohoo,

Correct me if I'm wrong here but I believe your product is primarily for children. If this is indeed the case, can you explain to me why, for the love of God, it comes in a glass bottle? Have you ever met a child? Ever taken a glass shard in the heel 16 days after one of the little crumb snatchers got their grubby hands on a glass bottle? That shit is like shrapnel. The blast radius is an average of 120 times wider when a child breaks glass as opposed to when an adult does. So again I ask you, why does Yoohoo come in a glass bottle? 

Sincerely,
Questioning Your Sanity in Iowa

30 Days, Day 28

What's in my purse.

Ah, I was so hoping to put up a photo of my new Miche Sophia bag with all my stuff spilling out of it. Tis not the case. However, come Nov 5 I'll have that bag in hand because a little shop is holding one for me! I love them for that. Until then though, I have this little number.

I got it this summer when we went to Arkansas. My sister had one and the little snot wouldn't give it up so I had to buy my own. She also had the wallet but hers is purple and they only had black when I got mine or it would be purple, too. Isn't the little sister supposed to be copying the big sister?

My wallet.


The cutest day planner for 2010/2011 and a pretty pen just for me.

This little baggie with lipstick, mascara, flossers, Neosporin, nail clippers and nasal decongestant from when I was dying a couple months ago.

Germ X and a hair brush.

Speed Caffiene pills and Advil.

My camera. Yeah, I can't take a picture of my camera cuz I kinda need the camera to take the picture. It's a small silver camera that fits perfectly into an inside pocket.

Wisp mini-brushes.

Pens, chapstick, and coupons that I forget about and therefore never use.

Champaign bottle of bubbles the kids got at a wedding and a wadded up grocery receipt.

Tomorrow hopes, dreams, plans for the next 365 days.

October 27, 2010

Does Every Blog Post Deserve A Title?

Just a few thoughts bouncing around my brain...

Dear Grey's Anatomy,
Really? Christina managed to actually get married this time but she still sleeps at Meredith's? We get it, she's got commitment issues, she's a man. We had that by the end of Season 1. Can we move on now? Also, would it really be that detrimental to the show to kill off Derek? Just a thought. Sleep on it, the idea will grow on you.
Sincerely,
Bored in Iowa

Been checking my stats this week. "What is a martian?" is a popular search phrase leading people here from Google. Please tell me those are all 6 year olds. Reason #479 I can't wait to get this blog renamed. On a related note, I can see you checking my blog 48 times a day. Yeah, you! No, not you, you I don't mind. You!

Partial blog feeds piss me off. It's kind of like bullying by proxy. Nobody likes a bully.

I finally found HTML code to block people from right clicking and taking my photos. It even let me write the message that pops up when someone tries. Go ahead, try, I find myself pretty damn hysterical.

I was watching Detroit 187 online with my headphones on while Aidan watched Alvin and the Chipmunks The Squeakquel. 20 minutes in he pulls an earbud out of my ear and says I don't really like watching this. I said Why? You asked to watch it!. to which he replied Because it's in Spanish, Mama. Doh!!! Sorry, kid.

It is 12:09am right now and Asher sits next to me eating pepperoni slices and drawing. Want to know why? Because he took an afternoon nap. So in exchange for a 2 hour nap, you get to stay up 4+ hours past bedtime and torture me? Something about this scenario is fucked up.


Out of the blue Mr said he had a couple posts in his head to guest blog here sometime. I'm all for it but he's forgotten them. I think he needs some more persuasion. Who else wants to read what the he has to say?

30 Days, Day 27

Worst habit.

Really? Have you ever read this blog before? Have we ever met? Obviously my worst habit is cussing. Profanity. Foul language. Cursing. Blasphemy, obscenity, swearing, using vulgar, coarse, filthy, dirty, smutty, taboo, dispirited, racy, sacrilegious, unconsecrated, naughtyprofane, lewd, saucy, juicydowncastunsanctifiedspicyrisque, irreverent, bawdry, ribaldry, raunchy, inflammatory or indecent language. To billingsgate don't ask me, it came up on Super Thesaurus, to bedamn, to imprecate, or to maledict. All of this is my worst habit. Unless you think maybe the OCD that led to my spending an hour scouring the fucking internet to find every synonym for cussing known to, well, the internet to write this blog post should be considered a bad habit. But that would be pretty unctuous of you.

Go ahead, look it up.

Tomorrow, what's in my purse.

October 26, 2010

No Such Thing

It's finally happened. I've got a kid who is convinced there are monsters. He wakes up several times a night yelling about monsters and being scared. Then he climbs in bed with us. I do not like to sleep with either of the boys but Asher is the worst. He's like a little space heater turned up on high and I can't stand to be hot. Tonight he was begging to sleep with us and we tried unsuccessfully to steer him away from that idea by promising the leave the lights on and closet doors open. He wasn't having any part of it. I thought Well, okay Ash, you can sleep in the spare room which is upstairs where our room is rather than downstairs where their room is. Oh no! Dere's a monsther on the bed in the sthpare room. He'sth stho mean to me! I'm sthcared, Mama. Can I sthleep in yous guys room. So our bed it is. He had to have both lamps on and I watched him through the crack of the doorway and his eyes just darted around the room constantly. I felt so bad for him, he's really really scared! 

I don't know what it could be other than watching Scooby Doo like a little fiend the past few weeks. He loves Monster House and Coraline, too. Maybe all the Halloween decorations and costumes? Running around in this might not be helping things in that department. 

While we were desperately trying to convince Asher that there are no monsters, little jackass Aidan comes running out of the guest room screaming about monsters just to screw with Asher. Of course he got in trouble for it but when he came back upstairs he had written Asher this note.

*Photo missing*

God, I love that boy! How sweet is that?

Quality Programming

Aidan and Asher love the live action Scooby Doo movie. When you're 3 and 6 you show love by subjecting your parents to this shit 17 times a day and on the rare occasion you're not watching it it, you are repeating and reenacting scenes from it. These two are their favorite scenes.

It's really just the one line where Fred in Daphne's body says Hey, I can look at myself naked! at about the 3:55 mark. Asher specifically quotes that line every 19 minutes on average.


With boys, what response to this scene did I really expect other than hysterical laughter and looks of unconditional adoration?

30 Days, Day 26

My week in great detail.

I could copy and paste yesterday's post 7 times if you really need a visual. Not gonna do it though. Why? Because I'm an asshole. Also, this 30 day shit is killing me! Consider this my break.

Tomorrow, my worst habit. Give you 3 guesses what my worst habit is...

October 25, 2010

30 Days, Day 25

My day in great detail.

On a good day or bad day depending on how tired I am I'm up at 6am for a run. I come home to two pissed off little boys because I had the audacity to leave the confines of my prison our house without them.

The Mr leaves for work and I brawl with Aidan over clothes to wear to school. You cannot wear nylon basketball shorts and a grey t-shirt every mother fucking day, Aidan!

I feed the snots if they haven't already bullied Daddy into it and sometimes even though he already fed them. Then I turn them loose on the cul de sac to ride their bikes and scooters before school.

8:30am we leave to take Aidan to school, home by 9am and then my shift as Asher's Bitch starts. He orders me to get him something to drink, something to eat, turn on Franklin, get him a blanket, turn on or off the fan, get Polar Bear or Dashmating (translation Dalmation) for him, pucker up and kiss his ass... Oh wait, that's just what I feel is next.

Then Mr comes home for lunch and Asher forgets I exist until he leaves again. Nap time follows on the days God knows I might break the sixth commandment. Yes, I had to look up which one Thou Shalt Not Kill was, blow me. 4:15pm Aidan bebops in from the bus and my shift as Aidan's Bitch starts. Note: This overlaps with my shift as Asher's Bitch, no cigarette breaks, folks.

Pretty much from this moment until 8pm is a blur of dinner, spelling words, reading for Book It, dishes sometimes, baths sometimes, picking up toys, tooth brushing, 1600 kisses and hugs good night and finally collapsing on the couch.

We bond over TV or a movie or sex before we go to bed. I read by lamplight, which he swears I do simply to irritate him, and eventually fall asleep. Ah blessed sleep!

Pepper in throughout the day yelling, fighting, screaming, super important internet time, glances in the mirror that make me cringe, swinging, a walk every once in a blue moon, and any and every crazy little thing that could possibly go right or wrong. That's my day. In great detail.

Tomorrow, my week in great detail. I'll give you a hint, it's just like today's times 7.

Musical Monday - Bare Naked Ladies

If this song doesn't make you smile, we can't be friends anymore.

October 24, 2010

A Dilemma

Skinny Bitch got me into a BUNCO group here and I went for the first time on Thursday night. The last BUNCO group I was in was fine but you never heard the F word, it was completely theme-less, zero alcohol flowed and someone's head might have exploded if I whipped out a cigarette. This new BUNCO group? Imagine you walk into a room filled with 13 women who look like they make regular appearances on the society pages. Now close your eyes and imagine the dialogue and vocabulary is like you're standing on the deck of the USS Chafee. Alcohol flows from beer fountains and there are several smoke breaks in which everyone participates. It's like my own personal wet dream, ya'll. Now if I can just manage to speak to anyone other than Skinny Bitch next time...

One of the gals had a purse. A Miche Bag. Who else knew about these and didn't tell me? Holy shit, I have to have one of these. One specific one actually, the Sophia large. Where the hell is my PR pitch from Miche, my free product to review and keep as my very own?

Here's my dilemma, should I really be the girl who shows up next time with exactly the same purse? Doesn't sound like a great idea to me. And no, I can't just not bring that purse to BUNCO because hello, what's the point of having a bitchin' bag if you can't show it off to everyone? 

New friends or bitchin' bag? Tough decision.

30 Days, Day 24

Where I live.

I've been wanting to blog about this so this prompt is the perfect excuse. And I guess I can do it without putting myself in danger since there are like 600 women in my city who share my name. I live in Council Bluffs, Iowa. And I really do like it. I'm close to my Grandma which is so nice cuz I just love that woman, it's not flat, we're getting a freaking Chik Fil A, and we got a Target. What else do you need? I do have one complaint though. Over the summer the Iowa West Foundation paid 3 Million for sculptures that look like tornado wreckage to grace a bridge that crosses over I80/I29. Google it, it'll be worth it.

Four of them, actually, one on each corner of the bridge. So there's no missing them. They are HUGE! Like 60 feet tall huge, mkay? Now I'm not going to debate what is and what isn't art but I am going to say I hate it! Because it's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to. People are having wrecks under that bridge because these things are so distracting. And I'd like to quote something I heard in a news segment or maybe a newspaper article, I can't remember, but a woman said "It's not really inviting. It kinda says Hey, stop in, we're going to stab you!" Right on, sista!

And that's where I live.

Tomorrow, my day in great detail.

October 23, 2010

Uncool

I am officially the most uncool person alive. 

Saturday night at 8pm, what am I doing? Not sprucing up for a date with my husband. Not gulping sipping margaritas with girlfriends. Not even taking advantage of kiddie bedtime to watch a non-animated movie. No, I went for a run.

Oh yeah, I donned my 12 year old tennis shoes, borrowed a reflective vest from Skinny Bitch, and clipped a retarded looking mini-light to the bill of my Razorback's cap and ran. And as usual, by run I mean I went slightly faster than a walk. Still...

Funny story; a deer tried to kill me while I was out. No, really. I was running along the path, earbuds in with music loud enough to give me a bit of hearing damage, possibly audibly panting, kind of on a roll. Apparently I drift as I run Maybe that's why little old ladies on bikes yell at me? and as I veered over to the right edge of the path there is movement out the corner of my eye. I turned toward it and a fucking doe is standing 12 inches from me. She scared the SHIT out of me! I screamed and tripped over my feet and planted my face on the ground. Three other does ran away but the offending bitch just stood there and looked at me. I think I saw her roll her eyes before she very casually moseyed off. Because clearly the only danger I pose is to myself.

30 Days, Day 23

A Youtube video.

Well, since I'm about done with Youtube - as in I think I may have seen all the videos - I'm gonna throw one out just to piss some folks off. This guy is, well, I don't actually know who he is. I think he is an actor or was an actor? I find him quite a pompous ass. I also really really like him somehow. Everything that comes out of his mouth is condescending but it's just such a pretty mouth. :) It's a long video, watch it or don't, doesn't really matter but if you appreciate a true smart ass, you'll like this. And please, please let's not get into the inevitable argument disguised as intelligent discussion over this subject. I'll go ahead at tag this with Got Me Hate Mail and we can just skip the middle man, mkay?


Tomorrow, where I live.

October 22, 2010

30 Days, Day 22

A website.

Dude, are you asking me to promote a website other than this one? You do understand that is detrimental to the success of Martians? Oh wait, I'm killing Martians in a few months. Okay, here are a few sites that I rarely go a day without wasting an hour or so on.


Where do you spend your online time?

I just had throw this song up for shits and giggles. I adore Adam Sandler. I think maybe we should have gotten married.


Tomorrow, a Youtube video. Er, another youtube video.

October 21, 2010

Happy Birthday, Grandma

Love,
Mandy Moo I Love You

To anyone who isn't my Grandma, I swear on my laptop, you will get injured for calling me that. There are things only Grandma has a pass for. Consider yourself warned.

30 Days, Day 21

A recipe.

Let's not push this cooking shit, mkay? I'm doing the best I can in that arena. I've thus far neglected to tell the tales of my kitchen failures. I'll get to them, rest assured. 

How about I share a recipe that may or may not have been a contributing factor in one or more embarrassing incidents in my college days. And possibly this past summer. And last month. 

A Positively Fantastic Amaretto Sour

3 oz. Amaretto
1.5 oz. sweet and sour mix 
cherry grenadine
bar sugar or granulated sugar
orange and lemon slices 
maraschino cherries 
ice

Rub the rim of your glass with a lemon slice, and dip it in bar sugar until the rim is well frosted.

Shake amaretto and sweet & sour mix in a shaker with ice, then pour into a chilled glass.

Add a splash of cherry grenadine.

Garnish with an orange or lemon slice and maraschino cherry.

Drink up!!!


Tomorrow, a website.

October 20, 2010

30 Days, Day 20

A hobby of mine.

Easy peasy! Reading. Have you looked at my Goodreads profile? What the hell do you guys think those links on my sidebar are for? If I live to be a hundred - please, God, no - I'll never get all the books on my To Read list read. 

I'm halfway through Stephen Where-Does-He-Come-Up-With-This-Shit King's Dreamcatcher. This particular edition is 879 pages and I've got the movie from Blockbuster sitting on my Blu Ray player so it's really all I can do not to just watch it so I can hit my 50 books in 2010 goal but if I did that and didn't finish the book I wouldn't be able to leave it on the 2010 list because I would know I didn't actually read it all and even though no-one else would I would and forever more when I looked at that list I'd know it was a lie and I just can't live a lie because what does that get me really? 

Go ahead, I'll wait while you go back and reread the run on sentence from hell.

We good? Okay, so I say reading is my hobby. The Mr would like me to point out that it's more of an addiction than hobby. He'd rather I take a lover. At least then there'd be a real life flesh and blood reason behind my preoccupation.

So now he has informed that he would not like me to take a lover but would rather I just put the fucking book down and pay attention to him. I tried to point out that at this particular moment, I am not ignoring him for a book but for my laptop and all of my friends inside. He's not amused.

Tomorrow, a recipe.

October 19, 2010

30 Days, Day 19

A talent of mine.

Is it too early to quit this 30 Day shit? I'm bored. 

A talent of mine? I'm pretty talented at using the F word in creative ways. My talent for overlooking a pile of laundry is exceptional. I have a natural talent for pissing people off. Also for getting pissed off. 

I don't have much of a talent for cooking or crafts or decorating. Or for sticking with stuff I don't excel at right off. Or suffering anyone's bullshit in silence for any amount of time. 

I possess a wicked talent for holding a grudge - occasionally I'll make nice but then kicks in my talent for not forgetting what an asshole you were and therefore always will be in my eyes.

I lack mathematical talent beyond simple addition and subtraction. I also lack control of my middle finger should anyone remark that my math deficit or any other perceived shortcoming might be linked to the state in which I was raised and educated.

But I've been told I have a hell of a talent for writing a scathing blog post. 

Tomorrow, a hobby of mine.

October 18, 2010

30 Days, Day 18

My wedding.

Let me tell you something about my wedding, I should have eloped in Vegas. For real, some Elvis impersonator would have been our photographer. Or best man. It was the middle of June in Arkansas, we got married in a town 3 hours away from our home but did not stay there the night before, and did I mention it was June in Arkansas? Oh, and I was about 100 lbs heavier than I am at this moment so the sweltering humidity and heat of an Arkansas summer was infinitely amplified. If it is over 72 degrees, inside or out, I am not happy about it. I was dying!

We planned the wedding for 4 months and it was a night. mare. I don't know how people live through year long engagements without aggravated assault charges being brought. I honest to God hated every single part of it. Yes, I even hated looking for wedding dresses. Bridesmaids dresses, same thing. I ended up having all of them handmade. My dress, while beautiful, me inside of it - not so much. 

In the end and overall, things went smoothly. I guess. I don't really remember. I was sweating and anxious and nervous and sweating and well, you get the idea. We are glad to have family photos with people who have since died and all that jazz, sure. I was just never that girl who had planned her wedding since adolescence. It just wasn't my thing. I know, they should revoke my vagina for that statement.



Tomorrow, a talent of mine.

October 17, 2010

30 Days, Day 17

An art piece.

We have this one in our living room - $99 Bed, Bath and Beyond special! 
What? Any of you have an original?

*Missing Jack Ventriano photo*

Tomorrow, my wedding.

October 16, 2010

What The Eff?

I am both disgusted and simultaneously proud that on a Saturday morning I have gone for a run and by run I mean I pumped my arms and bounced at a slightly faster gait than a walk, taken a shower, fed the kids, wrote a blog post, and am heading out to run errands by 7:30am. It's sick actually. It's also more productive than I've managed to be any other day this week. 

30 Days, Day 16

A song that makes me cry.


Tomorrow, an art piece.

October 15, 2010

30 Days, Day 15

My dream house.

I want an old craftsman style bungalow with a huge front porch and beautiful dark wood trim inside. It will be set back from the road on a double lot along tree lined, low traffic boulevard. And it will probably be somewhere in Arkansas. Maybe when the boys go off to college...

Tomorrow, a song that makes you cry.

October 14, 2010

Talk About Foot In Mouth

I was raised completely free of racism and prejudice. And that's saying something in rural Arkansas, mkay? I don't even want to think about what would have happened to me if I had used the N word. In fact when I was 5 years old I came home from school excited that we had a new girl in class. Back then my 'r' sounds were completely distorted so when I said to my mom "We got a new girl in school today!" she heard 'n!gger' instead of 'new girl' and I believe I came mere seconds from the proverbial deep shit. Growing up amongst friends whose parents threw that word and much, much worse around with wild abandon was difficult only because back then anyone could whip your ass so scolding a friend's parents for being a bigot wasn't a good option.  So while I couldn't see the difference in me and a black girl, I could pick out a racist idiot at 100 yards. And I absolutely judge people based on whether or not they speak or act that way. I figure if you're gonna be judge-y, at least my criteria are somewhat noble.

I don't know the first thing about Judaism. I couldn't pick a Jew out of a line up. I still don't understand how Jew is a race. I'm a Christian and I'm white but my mom is white and she's Catholic and we look exactly alike. Of course I'd heard 'Jew jokes" but never, ever got them. So back in 2000, I was 21 years old, going to college and working in a Mexican restaurant in Little Rock, Arkansas. Another server made some obscure Jew reference/racist remark and I finally decided I needed to just suck it up and ask what was the big Jew deal. He told me that Jews are stereotypically good with money and that's why people say "I Jewed some money from him".  Oh, ok, well, I still don't get it but okay. Doesn't seem so bad. Cut to that night when we were counting out tips in the managers office. The manager asked me if that 12 top came back to tip me and I said Yep, I Jewed the tip! 

*Crickets*

I'm thinking Fuck! Shit never sounds as clever coming from my mouth! But the look on his face was one of disbelief not annoyance. Then he said I'm Jewish

*Crickets*

Well fuck me running! Are you fucking kidding me? I have never uttered a racist remark in my life, I didn't even know that phrase until 2 hours ago and the first and obviously only time I ever use it is when speaking TO A JEW! And do you know why? Because I couldn't pick a Jew out of a lineup! I'm standing in front of a Jewish man and didn't even know it! Jesus Fuck!!!  I believed I was thinking those things but I was actually saying them out loud.

*Crickets*

The manager and everybody else then collapses into hysterical laughter while I stood there frozen in shame and embarrassment. Those bastards talked about that for MONTHS. The manager bought my drinks that night and told the waitress that the Jew was paying for the racist,country bumpkin. And when he made out the schedule that next week he put Amanda Hitler instead of Amanda Whatever. Oh hardy har har, you guys are hysterical!

30 Days, Day 14

A non-fiction book

Do you seriously expect me to choose one book to recommend? I. just. can't. That's like picking one of your kids to save from a burning building. Nope.


Tomorrow, my dream house.

October 13, 2010

If The 1st Tactic Fails

Asher - MOM! Aidan hit me!

Aidan - Well, he hit me first!

Me - If you had told me when he hit you, he'd be in trouble but since you hit him back you are the one in trouble. Go stand in the corner.

*5 minutes later

Me - So what happens if Asher hits you?

Aidan - I tell you and he gets in trouble.

Me - But if you hit him back?

Aidan - I'm in trouble.

Me - Asher, what happens if Aidan hits you?

Asher - Me whack him.

Me - No, if he hits you, you tell Mama and he gets in trouble. But if you hit him back, you'll be in trouble.

Asher - Ok, Mama.

*6 seconds later

Asher - MOM! Aidan hit me!

Aidan - He hit me first!

Me - Oh good God! Really?!?! Fine, just fight it out and whoever bleeds first loses and goes in the corner.

*wide eyed looks of confusion

30 Days, Day 13

A fictional book.

Okay, I'm getting bored already. I knew I should have made up my own prompts. I guess I'll go to my Goodreads page and pick a book I rated lowest. I don't know for certain that this book sucked on it's own but reading it after reading all 4 Twilight books, it really sucked.



Tomorrow, a non-fiction book

October 12, 2010

30 Days, Day 12

Something I am OCD about.

So you've got a lot of time, right? Because the list of things I'm not OCD about is far shorter than the list of things I am. I'd like to put a positive twist on things by saying that my being OCD about something is just another way to say I am passionate about it. I love and hate with equal intensity. It's a gift, really. I'll just go with the top thing I am OCD about this week. Yes, even my OCD comes in waves, usually depending on my mood. Does anyone else see hormone therapy in my future?

I am wildly obsessed with finding and editing or removing all things on the internet that identify me personally. I'm contemplating this whole new blog and online identity and reevaluating some relationships both on and offline. I'm trying to figure out who I want to follow me wherever I go and who I wish I had never let in, how to keep specific people out while inviting the rest along for the ride. I'm jerking photos and tightening privacy on Facebook, changing profile photos on blog network sites, deleting entire profiles and listings for Martians on other sites. It's exhausting! I think it would be easier to walk out of my real life, steal an identity and just start over. And don't think that doesn't sound like the preferable choice to dealing with some of the asinine bullshit I find myself dealing with lately. All in all, what I am OCD about is me and mine.

Tomorrow, a fictional book.

October 11, 2010

30 Days, Day 11

A photo of me taken recently.

And by 'recently' you mean the last time I had on both make-up and a bra, right? Well, I can hit one of those. Head shot it is!

*missing photo*

Tomorrow, something I am OCD about. Oh, I'm looking forward to that one!

Musical Monday - Owl City

Owl City can be so bizarre but I love it!

October 10, 2010

30 Days, Day 10

A photo taken 10+ years ago of me.
*missing photo*

Who knew that sweet little girl was going to grow up to be such an asshole? 

Tomorrow, a photo of me taken recently.

October 9, 2010

30 Days, Day 9

A photo I took. Hmmm, inny, minny, miney, mo... I take all the dang photos, this isn't a challenge!

*missing photo*

Ice storm, February 2009, Northwest Arkansas


Tomorrow, a photo of me taken 10+ years ago.

October 8, 2010

30 Days, Day 8

A photo that makes me angry or sad.



*missing photo*



Tornado damage of my parent's house in April 2009

Tomorrow, a photo that I took. (Um, I take ALL the photos)

October 7, 2010

Verizon Bathroom, .Com, and Books!

Dude! I had no idea that having children would make it possible for me to intimately familiar with every public restroom within 40 miles of wherever I live. Most people haven't spent a half hour in a Verizon Wireless store bathroom. Oh yes, a half hour. Asher takes  f o r e v e r  to do the doo.

I found the perfect name for the new blog. PERFECT, I tell you! There is not another blog by this name, yet some jackass uses the domain name (.com) for a blog with a different title. I don't want to use a .net or .org or .whatthefuckever. She has the friggin' twitter handle, too. And hasn't used either in a year. I hate not being able to control the universe!

I'm on book #39 this year. Goodreads' book swap program is my bestest friend! And possibly the bane of my husband's existence. Something about me not paying attention and nose in a book or some such shit, I don't know, I was reading.

That is all.

30 days, Day 7

A photo that makes me happy.

*missing photo*

What? They were quiet for a few brief moments. 2 years ago!

Tomorrow, a photo that makes me angry or sad.

October 6, 2010

See, Everyone Hates The Bank

My nephew Jayden comes in w/the mail all pissed and says "I hate this! Now we'll never go to China Restaurant!" while he hands his mom the bank statement :)

30 days, Day 6

20 of my favorite things.

In no particular order;

1.  mix cds
2.  Chapstick
3.  sleeping in
4.  celebrity mug shots
5.  Baked Cheetos
6.  hair dye
7.  Goodreads.com
8.  a good, loud thunderstorm
9.  Fall decorations
10. Schlotsky's Original Turkey sandwich
11. my Blackberry
12. Jack Vettriano paintings
13. The Andy Griffith Show marathons
14. iTunes
15. previews at the movie theater
16. Super Target stores
17. random, useless triva
18. sweet tea
19. Farkle on Facebook
20. 8pm - kid's bedtime

Tomorrow, a photo that makes me happy.

October 5, 2010

30 days, Day 5

Favorite quote(s).

On motherhood,
"Raising children is part joy, part guerilla warfare." -Ed Asner

On life,
"She went around with the attitude that she would rather be beaten to death than take any shit." -Stieg Larsson about heroine Lisbeth Salander


On Anna,
"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called a orphan. Yet there is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is." Author Unknown (at least to me)


On marriage,
"No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying." - Anonymous


Tomorrow, 20 of my favorite things.

An Ungodly Fattening Fettuccine Alfredo

And it's totally worth the 16.8 hours on the treadmill it will take to counteract the calories and fat in this dish.

1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
2 cups whipping cream
it's by the milk. I wandered around for 40 minutes before I asked 
an old woman where in the sam fuck whipping cream is.
2 cups grated parmesan cheese
1 box (1 lb) fettuccine

Place softened butter in large bowl and mix till smooth. Add cream and parmesan cheese. Stir till well mixed. *It will be thick, it's ok. No need to add 2 more cups of cream to try to thin it out. I do not say that from experience or anything. Set aside.

Cook your fettuccine, drain well, do not rinse. Immediately add the hot pasta to the butter mixture. Toss until all the fettuccine is coated. Salt and pepper to taste, add fresh basil if you want. Serve it up and plan on an all day gym session for the next day. 

We added strips of grilled chicken because I live with a carnivores who scoff at the idea of a meatless meal.



Compare To Die

The boys and I are in Arkansas again for a week. I haven't had to accost anyone's pen!s with tweezers yet this trip so already we're a little ahead of the game, that's a plus. 

The cousins are in a constant state of hyperactivity. Since their dramatic reunion in which I kid you not, they ran across the room into each-other's arms like a scene from The Notebook, a schizophrenic school age version of UFC has been raging - there's kicking, slapping, spitting, hitting, punching, pinching and biting and then 14 seconds later they're playing tag. It makes for good, free entertainment. Mostly. I, myself, took a couple kicks to the head, a Viking helmet horn to the ass, and got whipped in the face with a pair of jeans  during a tussle with Aidan, Jayden, and Julyan but in the end I handed them their asses. 15 minutes later I guess Julyan wasn't willing to let it go just yet so he came up behind me while I sat on the steps of the deck and shoved me. I pantsed him in a flash and went back to my business. 2 seconds later I hear Kid Sister say Whoa! No, no, no, give me that! And I turn around to see her taking a 700 page hard cover book from his raised hands. Little shit was gonna whack me with it! Maybe I didn't spawn the most diabolical children on the planet after-all.

Diabolical or not, Jayden and Julyan, are crackin' me up, ya'll! Just a few quotes from them...

Julyan after becoming sick to death of Asher copying everything anyone says in what I can only assume is an attempt to drive us all to the brink of insanity - "Aunt Amanda, Asher's coffing me! HE WON'T QUIT COFFING MEEEEEEEEE!"

Jayden in the midst of a Super Hero Battle between all the boys clad in old Halloween costumes - "Don't move or muscle! Compare to DIE!"

Jayden when trying to explain when some specific thing happened - "You know, earlier in the light time, when Aunt Amanda was in a mood?"  Pffft, like that narrows the time frame down any *eyeroll*

October 4, 2010

Musical Monday - Breakthrough

30 Days, Day 4

Favorite book.

Once again, I can't choose just one. These three are definitely the tops though. They are all big, fat, thick books - Forever and The Host are both over 600 pages and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo at 460 pages. That's nearly 1700 pages of awesome, ya'll. Do yourself a favor and read them all.

Forever by Pete Hamill. Interesting fact about Pete Hamill - he was one of the men who disarmed Sirhan Sirhan after he assassinated Robert Kennedy at The Ambassador Hotel in 1968. The next  Hamill book I will be reading is North River.

The Host by Stephanie Meyer. There are two more books in the works to make this a trilogy and I am am doing the happy dance over that news. Little bit of a disclaimer here, the first 80-100 pages you might be thinking oh screw this, I'm bored to tears but if you stick it out you will be glad you did. Usually if the term 'science fiction' is anywhere near a story, I'm out, but I'm so so happy I read it anyway. Here's a bold statement, it's better than Twilight. Oh yeah, I went there.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. The first in the Millennium series. Once you read this one, it's a given you will want to read the other two in the series, The Girl Who Played With Fire and The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest. It's a damn shame that Mr. Larsson died in 2004. These three books were published posthumously. There are rumors that most of a fourth book as well as synopsis of the fifth and sixth books in the series are in the possession of Larsson's long time partner. Apparently he planned for a total of 10 books for the Millennium series. 

Tomorrow, favorite quote.

October 3, 2010

I'm Going To Regret This

I think there comes a point in every blogger's blog life where they just share too much. Maybe it's an attempt to be real. I'm not really sure what I'm about to try to prove.

The scene; me and the Mr on the couch, Asher crawling all over us. At one point his hand very briefly slid close to my, how shall I put this?, my lower girl parts. He jerks his hand back and it begins...

Asher: Ugh, what'th in there?

Me: (thinking there was a toy or something under me) What? Nuthin'.

Asher: (reaching for the area again) What'th in there, mama?

Me: Nothing, Asher! Get back!

Asher: It'th nathy in there!

Mr: Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! - (really, it was too long) and when he could breath again, Put that on the blog!

Later, we were laughing about the little shit and the Mr wondered aloud why he would say that. I may or may not have become defensive and theorized that it was just warm because my legs were together (as a ladies legs should be!) He scoffed and said Oh sure, you got any more excuses why your crotch is nasty? You won't be reading any more stories about that smart ass!

30 Days, Day 3

Favorite television show.

I need some more direction here. I mean, best TV show on now? Best TV show that's over? Best premium series or best cable series or best network series, what? What do you want from me!!?? Lost is a  contender simply because I watched 5 seasons within a span of two weeks. Grey's, Sopranos, NYPD Blue, Medium, Six Feet Under, The Tudors... how do I choose? 

I'll tell you how. I'm an instant gratification kind of girl so it has to be a show that's on right now. A 60 minute time slot is a must because half hour shows just piss me off. I'm gonna have to go with a premium series because they can throw gratuitous sex and foul language around with reckless abandon. I like a little murder and mayhem in my television viewing. Also in my books and movies. And it has to be funny. There's really only one show that fits the bill right now. Dexter, baby! Don't bother calling me on Sunday's at 8pm, I'm unavailable.

Tomorrow, favorite book.

October 2, 2010

How Did I Get Here, Where Am I Going?

I lived the first 20 years of my life as if I wasn't going to have kids. The thought of being a stay at home mom never, ever, not even once crossed my mind - as it was full of crime fighting, world traveling, and various other cool shit I would be busy doing. Clearly life happens, changes course. Sometimes the course veers right into a big, thick wall. The wall in my path is covered with crayon drawings and small, greasy handprints. Yes, I'm aware I built the wall but it's a wall nonetheless so save your emails, Anonymous.

Now I think about going back to work and quite honestly, I believe myself to be basically unemployable. I  l o v e d  being a parole officer. I mean every single one of those folks deserved my wrath so it was a win win for me. I don't think the Mr realized until I quit how much aggression he had been spared during my working years. Plus I got to carry a gun so that made me giddy. Now, though? The thought of something I absolutely have to do each day is less than appealing. I am under the impression that I'm sort of ruined in the employability sense. I don't think an interview panel would look favorably upon the fact that instead of supervising felons over the last 6 years I've been raising them. 

I guess I've got a couple more years before Asher will be in school all day so I've got that long to find someone to pay me to read books or watch movies. I happen to think I'd be an excellent critic. Isn't being kind of an asshole a job requirement for critics? I could be the female Simon Cowell of the literary world. 

30 Days, Day 2

Favorite movie.

Oh hell, why don't you ask me to pick my favorite son? Wait, I could probably do that most days. The answer depends on who's being the bigger jackass. As far as movies go, I have two favorites. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to put one above the other.

The Departed. If you've seen it, you may think you know why I love it. It's bulging with the F bomb and that bomb is so beautifully dropped in the most creative and foul ways - pure brilliance. Also there's Leo. That's all I can say about that since my husband reads this blog. This movie is also responsible for my girl crush on Vera Farmiga. Throw in Jack Nicholson, Matt Damon, and Mark Wahlberg directed by  Martin Scorsese and really, you just can't go wrong.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Yes, even though it's Swedish, subtitled in English. This movie is fantastic. Don't be prick American and refuse to read subtitles because you will be missing out. Also, be warned, goth chicks might start looking sexy to you after you see it because Noomi Rapace is hawt! And read the book first. You'll appreciate it that much more (and be prepared for the truly disturbing yet absolutely necessary to really 'get' Lisbeth rape scene). I know Hollywood is making a US version and so far I'm happy with the casting but they've got A LOT to live up to and I sincerely hope they don't fuck it up. This version is available on DVD in the US now so GO GET IT!

Tomorrow, favorite television show.

October 1, 2010

30 Days, Day 1

Favorite song.

It's really not possible to say what song is my favorite song. It depends on my mood. It depends on what I'm doing. I have a favorite driving song, a favorite angry song, a favorite poor poor me song, a favorite country/pop/blues/classical song... you get the idea.

The more I think about it, the harder it is to pick. I want to be cool and pick some Beatles (Hey Jude, anyone?) or indie and go Beatnik Turtle, maybe freak you guys out and throw out some Amy Grant. But really, I think my favorite song right now is A River Flows In You. I just checked my iTunes, it's been played like 3000 times. It's beautiful and kind of haunting and somehow makes me feel something in my soul. Ok, that's enough with the deep shit, moving along...


Tomorrow, favorite movie.