August 30, 2010

Can You Define That Word?

My husband was telling me that he heard on the radio about some of the new words added to the dictionary this year. Unfriend and Bromance stuck out in his mind. Then he told me the definition of Bromance and I smiled.

Yeah, you and Neighbor Guy are in one.

What! No. We are not.

Yeah, you guys are bonded over hunting. You're in a Bromance, baby.

Is that what you and Neighbor Gal determined?

No, not really. But you just gave me the definition and I say that's you and Neighbor Guy.

No. Do not say that. Ever. That's not even a word.

Yes, it is, you just told me it's a word.

It's not a word in this house, got it?

Yes, Dear. 

August 29, 2010

Punk'd By A Punk

I can't remember if I posted about how Aidan will fall asleep somewhere, one of us will pick his big ass up and carry him to bed or wherever and as soon as we lay him down, he starts laughing because he was faking the whole time. 

Well, this morning he was getting his shoes on for school. I untied them because they have to be tied into double knots - whole double knots, not just the bows of the laces double knotted, got it? I went downstairs to help Asher find a toy and came back to tie Aidan's shoes and they were tied. And double knotted correctly. I was like, what the hell? 

How did your shoes get tied? 

*shit eating grin* I tied them.

What do you mean you tied them? How? 

Yep, I tied them by myself.

That's awesome, Aidan! Did they teach you at school? 
(I attempted to teach him but we ended up fighting so I gave up and have been tying his shoes for him)

Nope, I've known how all summer, I just wanted you to tie them. *shit eating grin*

You little shit!

August 26, 2010

Thanks For Ruining The 3yr old's Birthday, Wal-Mart Greeter

I took Asher with me to pick up his birthday cupcakes and the gift from us. I set him up on a bike to ride around and terrorize people while I snuck the scooter into an empty box nearby. 

Two things are of note so far - #1. There just happened to be an empty, nondescript box that was the perfect size to hide the scooter in and that's just the kind of good luck that usually evades me. And #2. I learned that Asher really does know how to ride a bike, when did that happen?

So we finish up our shopping - which included opening each and every one of the birthday cards that made a sound. 

I'd like to take this moment to say something to the person/company who thought of these things. Thanks a fucking lot, asshole! You managed to take the ONE thing that kids get for birthdays that wasn't loud and obnoxious and you make it uber-annoying. And for the pleasure of exposure to this, you charge $6. Fabulous idea!

He ignored the box - never even asked what it was. At the checkout line the cashier came over and scanned the scooter without showing Asher what was inside and we're on our way out. Score! 

Or so I thought.

The WalMart Greeter gives me the eye. You know, the look that says they think you're trying to smuggle out a flat screen? She asks if that's just an empty box and starts reaching for it. So I whisper for her not to open it because it was angled down right toward Asher. I pull out the receipt to show her I paid for it and she's still reaching. I'm begging her not to open it and the fucking bitch opens up the fucking box and Asher sees the scooter inside. That's about as close as I've ever come to causing serious bodily harm to a perfect stranger in public, right out in the light of day. I might still go back and whack the bitch!

August 25, 2010

Famous French Toast

Let me tell you something you may not know - my french toast can kick your french toast's ass. It's a fact. If you don't need syrup on french toast and it still tastes like Christmas in your mouth, well, that's just good french toast! 

1 loaf French or Italian bread - I use Italian more often because it's bigger - sliced
6-8 eggs
1/2 cup milk
3/4 cup sugar, 1/4 cup cinnamon mixed in a small bowl

Mix the eggs, milk, and about 1/3 of the sugar/cinnamon mix together in a large bowl.

I think the general process of making French toast is widely known but just in case... dip the slices of bread into the egg mixture, place into heated, greased frying pan.

Heavily sprinkle the top of the bread with sugar/cinnamon mix, flip the bread, repeat on the other side. 

Cook till golden brown.

You can thank me later. Enjoy!

August 24, 2010

There's Something Special About Today But I Just Can't Think Of What

Hmmm, wonder what I'm forgetting. I paid the mortgage. Picked up my crazy pills. No dr appointments. Vet? Nope. HOA meeting is tomorrow. 

What am I forgetting?

...

...

Oh hell! How could I forget? It's Asher's 3rd birthday! 

Happy birthday, Big Guy!

August 22, 2010

A Letter From Aidan

Dear Nana,

Did you got me the Big Buck Hunter video game for me for my birthday? I'm asking because my mom and Dad won't let me play it. They let me have the box and I've had some fun with that, I guess. I tried to tell them I think it's mine and to let me play but they just shoo me out of the way and threaten my life if I mess up their score. So I just wanted to tell you I think it looks like an awesome game and thank you for giving it to them me. 

Love, 
Aidan

August 19, 2010

This Could Explain My Bouts Of Uncontrollable Rage

We went downtown in Omaha on Sunday. Found a spot 2 blocks away from where we were going. Put several quarters in the meter. Got where we were going. Kids acted like assholes, we left. Several quarters wasted. Kids decide to try to act normal, I found another spot. Put several quarters in. Get to where we're going. Find out that you don't have to feed the meter on Sundays. Fan-fucking-tastic!

Also? The time and place that God does not bless - pick up time at school. I should totally be runnin' shit, that's all I can say about that.

Oh, oh! Let's not forget about birthday party planning for Asher's 3rd birthday. Now, first off, I'm not thrilled about him turning 3. For one, once he's 3, it's 5 bucks to take him to see a movie instead of free. Costs $4 to ride the Sky-Fari at the zoo instead of free. $9 to go to the Children's Museum instead of, you guessed it, free. I dig free, it's way more my style. As far as decorations... I started shopping early considering what happened last time. The decor will be Dinosaurs. No, of course there are no dino decorations at Wal-Mart. Or Target. Or the shitty little party store close to us. I'd just like to know who exactly the hell I killed in a previous life. 

And finally, the Home Owners Association of our development - of which I am now the Vice President of. I KNOW! They have no idea what they've unleashed upon themselves. Much more on that soon. I smell a blog series coming - possibly entitled something like HOA, Are You Fucking Kidding Me Right Now? or HOA, They've All Been Lobotomized. So much blog fodder potential! 

August 17, 2010

Did I Or Did I Not Have A Boy?

It seems my 6 year old son has morphed into a fucking preteen girl. These quirks are getting monotonous. 

The scene: School clothes shopping
A little background you need to know - last school year there were knock down drag out early morning cage matches between me and Aidan over his clothes. Most often it was me being absolutely ludicrous by refusing to let him wear #1 the same thing he wore the day before, #2 a shirt that says High School Chicks Rule, #3 pants with a hole in the crotch or a shirt with BBQ sauce stains or #4 underwear - God forbid!
I decided this year he will be picking out his clothes and he'll be wearing the damn things with no lip about it. Uh, yeah, things didn't exactly work out. He refuses to wear shorts with buttons, zippers, belts or belt loops. Forget that the belt can be taken off, let's not interject logic and reason into this, mkay?  Also, every shirt he picked out was a grey t-shirt. No collars, no buttons, nothing that could be construed as dressing as though you might give a shit about looking decent. Socks, how hard could socks be? Oh, let me just tell you how hard socks can be. They must be grey at the toes and heel. They must be ankle socks, nothing higher or lower. Shoes, I can't even talk about the outrageous cluster-fuck ordeal that was shoe shopping with him.

I give up, the little punk can wear a grey t-shirt with ratty basketball shorts, no underwear, the same old pair of tennis shoes every damn day of his life if he choses. I'll pack his lunch and drop him off at school and be done with it. He can take it up with his therapist in 20 years.

August 15, 2010

Is This What The Term Ass Breath Refers To?

Aidan interrupted my beauty rest this am by barging in and yelling about Asher.

Mom! Asher stinks! He must have pooped. You need to change him!

He doesn't wear diapers, Aidan. Are you sure? Does he have poop on him?

I don't know, but he stinks!

Asher, come here.

*Asher stomps in and immediately pulls down his pants to show me his bare but poopless butt*

Aidan, he did not poop. Leave him alone.

*Overheard from the my room*

See, Aidan! I didn't poop! Me big guy!

Oh my God, Asher it's your BREATH! Your breath stinks! You HAVE to brush your teeth! Yuck!

August 14, 2010

Big Step In The Right Direction

Yeah, today, instead of eating an entire Totino's Cheese Pizza by myself like I wanted to - oh shut up, don't act like you can't take one down yourself -  I popped a couple caffeine pills.

Now maybe I'll catch up on some blogging since I've been sucking ass on that particular duty of mine. 

August 9, 2010

In Whoville They Say...

OhmyGodya'll, if I was the Grinch, my heart would have 'grown three sizes' last night. The Mr was checking his cell phone and asked why I called him at 6pm when he was at home already. I said I hadn't, must've been Aidan, because all of a sudden he grabs up my phone to call whoever the hell he wants to whenever the hell he wants to. Not only did he call his Dad but he left a message. And the message went something like this...

Um, Daddy, I just called to, um, to tell you that I love you. Ok, bye Daddy.

August 8, 2010

Nobody Likes Change

Except I do, sometimes. Like when I get a new, yes, ANOTHER new, blog design. You likey? I also got a new button, so how about you guys take 2 seconds, or 80 seconds, whatever, and grab the new code and show some adoration for me, hu? 

August 6, 2010

Meds Shouldn't Make Things Harder

So Asher has bronchitis. He was pretty pathetic for a few days but after a couple nebulizer treatments, he's back to kicking his big brother's ass. Aidan said he wishes Asher was sick again. And ya know what? It really was peaceful while he was down.

Oh pipe down, Anonymous. Remember what we talked about last time? Kthanksbye!

I am in the middle of a letter to whoever the hell makes Prednisone liquid for kids. It's going something like this...

Dear Makers of Prednisone Who Obviously Don't Have Kids,

Have you put that shit you created in your mouth? Apparently not. It is raunchy! I tried putting it in applesauce, in juice, in peanut butter, and in Nutella. NUTELLA! And he spit it back in my face. Dude, if Nutella can't cover the nastyness of something, there's a serious problem. In short, you fucked something up. And thank you for that because I've got 9 more doses of this shit to get into him. He already won't eat or drink anything I've had my hands on because he's terrified I've slipped some of your poison medicine in it.

ThankyouverymuchforNOTHING,
Mom of a Dissatisfied Customer

August 5, 2010

Celebrity Thursday Thirteen

I've been working this one up in my head for awhile now. It's easy, actually, because celebrities piss me off fairly often. And I don't ever feel bad for ripping on them because, well, they're rich and beautiful so I figure they got it coming. 

There are so many to chose from for this list - Lindsay Lohan, but then I've kinda already let her have it. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, but I've voiced my opinion on them before. Heidi Spencer or Pratt or whateverthehellhernameis, but you can only make fun of crazy to a point and then it's just sad. Julia Roberts, but I don't want to feel the wrath of the But she's America's Sweetheart! Pretty Woman! How can you not like her?!?!? Brigade. I'd like to slap Charlie Sheen but he'd probably like it. Mel Gibson lost his shit again but he scares me so I'll leave that alone right now. 

Today, all 13 slots are taken up by the one and only Gisele Bundchen. This bitch takes up with that dumb jock Tom Whatever either before or way too fucking soon after the prick dumps his pregnant girlfriend. Then she totes the boy around any papparazzi she can scare up. Then she gets knocked up and talks about how it's not necessary to gain weight while pregnant. Oh shut the fuck up! Then she births her own ticket to the tabloid pages and spouts off about how painless birth was. Oh shut the mother fuck up! Then this bitch keeps running her damn head and waxes poetic about how it should be worldwide law that women breastfeed for 6 months. Please, Miss Perfect, stick to showing your ass on the runway and shut the FUCK up already! 

August 2, 2010

My Vacation By Numbers

For 18 days straight I ran. my. ass. off. 

On only 2 of those days did I have less than 4 children with me and more often than not, 7. 

There were exactly 3 naps taken. 

We went swimming at a creek, lake, river, or pool on all but 2 days and most often we went twice a day. 

I made spaghetti at least 6 times and built no less than 84 bologna sandwiches - half with mayo, half without. 

I, by myself, drank approximately 35 20oz Cokes and 6 Strawberry Kiwi Lifewaters.  

I also somehow managed to lose 8 pounds. 

I personally touched 600+ ticks between wood and seed ticks off the kids and huge, bulbous dog ticks off the stray dog I bullied my sister into feeding. I washed my hands a lot. 

We brought 7 suitcases and bags full of clothes and supplies. Turns out we could have brought one small suitcase and one bathroom bag - based on what we actually wore and used. 

I put make up on and straightened my hair exactly twice. 16 seconds later I was bare faced and curly haired again. Fucking Arkansas summer heat!

1 tire needed repair for a hole. No, I was NOT speeding down backroads. Not this time.

I spent 1 kid free evening out of town with my sister. We each had 1 nasty ass On The Border Margarita, bought 24 books from Books a Million, and watched Eclipse in a theater with 4 annoying, chatty teenage girls. 

The boys consumed roughly 13 gallons of Yoohoos and 16 gallons of various juices. Yet they barely seemed to pee. Surely they didn't go in the swimming water, right? Um, nope, Asher fully embraced peeing outside and would get out of the water to pee in the great wide open. Luckily we were alone most of the time and when we weren't, the spectators had a sense of humor about it.  

There were 198 photos and 6 videos taken during our trip. In all but 22 of them, we are at a creek, river, lake, or pool. I appear in only 2 of them.

On all but 3 nights, I slept on a couch. My bed at home is fantabulous! 

We've been home for 4 days and I miss my sister, my nephews, my mom, my friends, my "nieces", swimming, and in a way - just running.