May 31, 2010

I May Never Read Anything Funnier Than This

Have you ever wondered why men snore so loudly at night?  It's due to their balls covering their assholes and nowhere else for the gas to escape.  

Thank you Random Facebook Status Updater

May 30, 2010

A Decent Title Escapes me

I'll go ahead and admit it, I didn't know until hours later that the guy singing Every Rose Has It's Thorn with Casey James on American Idol Wednesday wasn't Axl Rose.  So now you know... I don't watch Celebrity Apprentice and I don't look at the pictures when I read my Yahoo! News.  

That bug that flew into my mouth came out of my nose when I blew it the next morning.  Seriously, I couldn't make this shit up.

Aidan has a way of proving my points for me, even when that point is detrimental to him in some way.  For instance... He's not unlike his mother in the chubby department.  One afternoon I was joking with the Mr that Aidan and I were going to go away to Fat Camp this summer.  Aidan apparently overheard some portion of this and pipes in with "To eat dinner?!?!"  Point proven, thankyouverymuch.

In the spirit of full disclosure, if you tweet out racist, hateful, or otherwise ignorant tweets, I unfollow you and if you send me a message asking me why I unfollowed you and wondering if changing your stance on a particular issue will bring me back, I'm going to tell you that the only thing worse than an ignorant asshole is an ignorant asshole with no conviction. BLOCK!

I hate to keep admitting that the Mr may have been right about the sandbox but if the kids are the only ones who play in the sand, why is there a full cubic foot of sand in my bed and my bathtub?  Just askin'.

May 28, 2010

My Coolness Cup Runneth Over

We've all got that friend.  The one you'd probably hate if you didn't adore her?  You know, she's entirely too beautiful or hysterically funny or she can decorate a room within an inch of it's life or most annoying, all of the above.  Mine is Tiffany.  Tiffany lives a wildly fantastic life where she doesn't wipe asses and nuke corn dogs all day.  She talks to adults regularly so while she may not know all the words to Jungle Room by The Imagination Movers, she's way more versed in actual cool shit that I know nothing of.  See why it would be so easy to just hate her?

Anyway, I said all that to tell this story.  Last night we talked on the phone for the first time in months and as usual I'm stuttering and babbling because it's hard to make my answers to "what have you been up to" like Well, Aidan can spell shit now and Asher still craps his pants sound remotely interesting.  In the middle of a that fascinating monologue a bug flies into my mouth and I come close to choking to death.  Surely she hung up thinking My God, Amanda is so fucking cool!

May 27, 2010

Meet The Bachelors

Okay, The Bachelorette started on Monday.  I DVR'd it so I'm just now getting to my recap.  So, let's meet the guys who are making asses out of themselves vying for Crybaby Allie's affections.  

Frank - You followed your heart and your heart led you to quit a secure job to move back in with your parents to write screenplays? Gotcha. Good plan.

Jake - I wish I could spell your laugh.  Fail!

Craig - Step away from the mirror.

Kyle - Mountainman is not an occupation. Allie doesn't strike me as the rugged, outdoorsy kind of girl.  

Justin - I hated you during the first of your intro but then you hobbled into Grandma's house and acted normal so I guess you can stay.

Phil - That dead brother story will probably get you thru 3 rounds all on it's own.  

Jonathan - cue Charlie Brown's teacher

Ty - Men with big ol yellow labs are always a sure bet. 

Chris - swoon!

Roberto - They didn't give you much intro time, did they, loverboy?

Tyler - Go back home, kid.

Derrick - Did you say something?

Steve - Hu?

John C. - Next!

Kirk - "I wouldn't be here if it was anybody else."? Um, don't you apply without knowing who the bachelorette is going to be?  Get real, you'd be here no matter who it was!

Chril L. - Shut up!

The other 10 guys - blah blah blah

After all that, I've decided I'm not blogging about The Bachelorette.  I stumbled and did it last season and I might be seriously low on blog fodder lately but I think I'd rather take a summer blogging break.  Plus, Allie kinda makes me want to rip big chunks of hair out of my head.  By the roots.  I mean really,  the posts about this season would consist mainly of *eyeroll* *huge eyeroll* *multiple eyerolls* and I have too much respect for the 3 of you who read my blog to do that to you. 

May 25, 2010

I Hate It When That Happens

Last week I suggested to the Mr that we put sand in the space below the kids' swing set.  He put his foot down and flat out refused! 

So this weekend while he was putting sand under the swing set *hee hee hee* he was ranting about how I was going to regret it and within a few weeks he'd be decking over this brilliant idea of mine.  I, being as stubborn confident as I am, knew better.

Cut to 28.6 seconds after the boys started playing in it...

Me: "You're gonna have to go get some decking and cover that shit up!"
Mr:  *intense death glare*

I also wanted to buy a hard plastic kiddie pool the boys could splash around in and keep cool this summer since I'm probably not taking them to a public pool and the best they can hope for is a creek down in Arkansas.  The Mr claimed it was a terrible idea and I was just trying to make a huge mess of the back yard and the house.  I ignored him took his objections into consideration and bought a kiddie pool today.  Surely he can't be right twice in a row.

May 24, 2010

What The Lost Just Happened?

Dude, the 2 guys who wrote Lost got some 'splainin' to do! 

I've never cried so hard over such a happy-ish ending.  The fucking dog comes and lays down next to Jack while he dies and ohmygod I couldn't take it anymore.  Why did they have to bring the dog into it?  Talk about ripping my heart out!  

Overall, I think we're all just lucky they didn't end the series by flash diagonals.  My head might have imploded.

May 20, 2010

Thursday Thirteen

It's been quite a while since I've done a Thursday Thirteen.  Since I did my recap on the recent series finales, I think a list of 13 TV characters I'd like to see die would be fitting.  Yes, die, I'm in THAT kinda mood.

#1 Holly from Brothers & Sisters - because the only purpose she served was villain and now she's not even bad.  Pick a character flaw and stick with it, will ya?

#2 ADA Jo Marlowe from Law & Order SVU - simply because Sharon Stone is playing her and I think I've been clear about how I feel about that.

#3 Rita Bennett from Dexter - because she's a NAG.  Oh wait, they did kill her.  Score!

#4 Kate from Lost - because OMG how many times can she get shot and live?!?!  And because the Sawyer/Kate/Jack lust triangle is booooring....

#5 The Entire Cast of Happy Town - because that show blows!

#6 Any Character That Rob Lowe Plays - because playing Billy in St Elmo's Fire was the best he was ever gonna be.

#7 Charlie Harper from Two and a Half Men - because Sheen's offscreen antics are THAT bad.

#8 Christina from Grey's Anatomy - because clearly Owen isn't going to get it on with Teddy unless Christina is dead.

#9 Everyone from The Mentalist except Patrick Jane - because why else does anyone watch that show?

#10 Aaron Hotchner from Criminal Minds - because they've never killed off a major character and Hotch is my least fave.

#11 Ariel from Medium - because that girl does the Ugly Cry in every. single. episode.

#12 Addison and #13Naomi from Private Practice - because Addison is a slutbag and Naomi is a frigid bitch.

Sometimes I Just Ramble

I promised the kids I would take them to the zoo today.  And now I want to kick myself in the head for doing so.  It sounded like a good idea when I was all pumped up to play "Mommy who likes being in public with her kids".  And then this morning I woke up ready to spit bile at anyone who irritated me.  The boys have 2 volumes - high pitched screaming in excitement and high pitched screaming in agony or anger.  It irritates me.  So maybe the zoo is a good idea, a big open space where they can scream and some of the sound dissipates a bit before my ears start ringing.  

A new development - the boys are stalking our neighbors.  For real, ya'll, they stand in our driveway and wait for their garage door to open or someone to come out.  There are 2 little boys over there and it's clear they are much preferred over the little Nazis girls next door.  In fact, Aidan left the girls' yard to come back to our yard to play with them and the next day the littlest one warned Aidan never to leave her yard before she's done playing with him again.  I feel for her future husband.  I hope he gets thoroughly hen pecked by a bunch of sisters in his childhood so his marriage to her won't be such a shock.  

I read this morning that CBS cancelled Ghost Whisperer.  COME ON!  You can't just cancel it!  What about little Aiden and The Shineys?  I'm sorry, CBS, but this is not acceptable.  And NBC cancelled Law & Order.  I do not want to live in a world where there is no Law & Order or Ghost Whisperer.  It's just not acceptable.  And while I'm on the subject of TV - why don't we discuss a couple recent season finales cuz you KNOW that I've got some opinions... 

Brothers & Sisters - Robert dies, boo hoo, sucks to be Robert. Saul has AIDS, well it's always kinda sucked to be Saul.  And water is what is going to save Ojai Foods? WATER?  *huge eyeroll*

Private Practice - Dell!  Really, Dell? Of all the asshole characters on that show and you kill Dell?  Why not Addison, she's fucked everyone in the practice, I think her storyline is all but played out.  And Cooper proposes to Charlotte?  Dude, she better say no cuz Coop is a pussy of the highest order.  Charlotte has a bigger set of balls than he does. *huge eyeroll*

Desperate Housewives - Ok, when Angie turned around, smirked, and waved at Crazy Ass Ex seconds before she blew him up, I might have actually made the "squee" sound.  Eddie the psycho killer helping Lynette deliver the baby was LAME and a baby switched at birth? What show is this, The Young and the Restless? *huge eyeroll*

Come on now, Greys, Medium, Criminal Minds, Bones, Mentalist, Good Wife, and Lost, don't disappoint me.  

May 18, 2010

Guess Who's Not A Southerner

When my husband and I met he was an officer in the Air Force, stationed at Little Rock AFB.  He came home one day and told me this story.

He had gone to lunch with the usual group of guys and a newbie officer from Illinois or Indiana.  They were standing in line at the BBQ place waiting to order when the Yankee asks why a BBQ joint has whale on the menu.  

Whale? What the hell are you talking about?
Yeah, whale.  It says right there, fried Orca.
Dude, that says fried OKRA, not Orca!

I'm pretty sure only new orders and a transfer to another base ended the ridicule for that guy.

May 17, 2010

Musical Monday - My YouTube Favorites

song starts about 43 seconds in

skip to 1:45 in


starts 34 seconds in
 


this shit is FUNNY! If you don't read Allie, I don't understand you.
 


This one is AMAZING. Lady Gaga better watch her ass cuz this kid just schooled her on performing her own song!

May 16, 2010

Celebrity Letters - Sharon Stone

Dear Sharon Stone,

Is NBC serious? You as the new ADA on Law & Order SVU?  I'm sorry this isn't going to work out for me.  Now I realize flashing your vag during an interrogation scene was the venue through which you shot to stardom but I don't think that opportunity is going to present itself on prime time.  You might check with CBS though, they don't mind "wardrobe malfunctions", maybe they have a show for you.  Get off my SVU!

Sincerely,
Not A Sharon Stone Fan

May 15, 2010

Again? Really? Yes, Again!!!

Yeah, all that crap about being done screwing with my blog design?  Sike!!! *swipes hand along side of head, circa 1991*

I can't stop myself!!!

Update: Ok, NOW it's possible I'm done.  For awhile.  I got a free template online and then jacked it up beyond recognition, used images from an old design I had done and jacked them up beyond recognition, and somehow came up with something I think I really like.  *everyone has been properly credited over there on the right sidebar*  

I took so much stuff off of my sidebars -  Comment Whore Crown, Blog Rating, etc... What do you guys want back?  The ads aren't negotiable. BlogHer Ads accepted my sincere apologies for dumping them last year and let me back into The Circle.  That $1.24 a month is already burning a hole in my pocket!

So, what do you think?

May 13, 2010

Somebody Stole My Funny

But there are still other funny people out there.  Like PerryCooler.com.  My cousin is a friend of this guy and he told me about the site.  Be prepared to waste an hour, minimum.

And you can start looking for photos of shit Aidan and Asher did to appear at ShitMyKidsRuined.com because I totally submitted some there.  All I can say is Awesome, it's not just my kids!!!

Sorry, folks, that's all I got.  My funny is so MIA I can't even give you too many other funny people.  It's becoming a problem.

May 11, 2010

Is It Monday Again?

Just a couple of quick things.

I think I'm done redoing my blog.  All that time and effort and I basically went back to the way it was, just changed up the header a bit.  I know, I know, white text on black background - how will you all survive...  I'll tell you, Google Reader or sign up for email subscription (easy peasy buttons on the right sidebar).  Just don't get lazy and stop commenting. Some of you are seriously slacking and it's hurting my feelings a little SOKNOCKITTHEFUCKOFFALREADY!!!

Is it weird that I suck in my gut when a semi or really high SUV passes me?  I do it because of course anybody who passes by is looking over at my lap to see if my tummy overlaps, right?  No?  So that's just me being all self absorbed and crazy?  Gotcha. Good to know.

It's 8am and I'm sitting on the couch curled up with my laptop watching Toot and Puddle while the kids destroy their playroom downstairs. Noone is dressed, I think they might have had breakfast with Daddy before I got up, but I'm not at all sure, Aidan's lunch isn't packed, his backpack hasn't been thoroughly checked for contraband, I don't have any of the papers together that I need to get the Jeep licensed, and all of my jeans are still in the washer.  We leave the house in 36 minutes.  This should be fun.

Are you guys serious?  Nobody wanted to rave about how in love they are with Mason Jennings after my Musical Monday post on him?  I'm not sure I can get over that, guys.  He's awe. some.  And really? I post music from Pretty Woman and Breakfast Club and nuthin'?  Who ARE you people?  I'm very disappointed....

Shit, 29 minutes!

May 10, 2010

Musical Monday - Movie Soundtracks

from Meet The Robinsons


from Dangerous Minds


from Philidelphia


from Pretty Woman


from Breakfast Club

May 5, 2010

Very Insightful, Aidan

Aidan did a school project on weather last week.  He used a shoebox and inside he recreated his favorite weather.  Aidan chose snow.  We used an entire jumbo bag of jumbo cotton balls, most of which ended up stuck to our fingers and the counter and the floor and the chairs and... well, you get the idea.  Anywhooo, the next day when we were on the way to school with it he asked me what my favorite weather was.  I said rain.  To which he replied, 

"Oh yeah, I know why. It's so you can stay inside and watch TV all day."

You think you know everything, don't you boy?

May 4, 2010

Too Preoccupied To Post Anything Rational

Oh for crying out loud, ya'll!  I'm dreaming in HTML code!  This is not going according to plan.  So please, blog design gods, shine your magnificent light upon me and give me the damn code to stretch the damn header and make the damn page background black and post/sidebar background white.  That's all in the world I want right now.  I'm not being difficult here, trust me, I KNOW how to be difficult, and this is not it.  


Here are 3 headers I made.  Which one do you like?


On a similar note, I was too busy jacking and re-jacking my blog up today so I didn't do Jillian.  I suppose I should thank the blog design gods for that one?

And on a completely unrelated note, the damn blogs and twitter are already abuzz about this year's Blog-Her Conference.  I'm not going.  I never go.  I probably never will go.  I don't even really want to go but damn if it doesn't irritate me to read all. day. long. about all the big Blog-Her plans. So boo on Blog-Her.  But not BlogHer ads since I might go crawling back to them IF I EVER GET MY DAMN BLOG FIXED!

May 3, 2010

Musical Monday - Old School

Don't even try to act like you never jammed out to these songs back in the day!