December 21, 2010

Think I Won't Do It?

Then you don't know me very well. Cuz I'll damn sure do it.

We are discussing the possibility of Santa not bringing gifts for Aidan this year. Yeah, yeah, poor Aidan *eyeroll* bullshit! The little snot informed us last night that he doesn't believe in the Naughty List. I don't even think there is a Naughty List because every year you say I'm naughty and Santa is going to put me on the Naughty List but every year I gets gifts from Santa. I think they just made up the Naughty List so kids will be good. Oh yes, that's pretty much word for word. And the truth is, he's right. He acts like a complete asshat virtually every day of the year and on December 25, he gets rewarded for it in grand fashion with tons of presents, none of which he needs and very few of which he even appreciates. I'm of the mind that Christmas should be more about Jesus. Let me tell you, Aidan needs Jesus. 

I think this year Aidan will wake up to a full stocking and a strongly worded letter from the fat man in red. It will say

Dear Aidan,
Thank you for the cookies, I ate them all. I went ahead and ate everything else in the house that I thought you might like. Now listen up, you little shit. I've been watching you and I heard you say you don't believe in The Naughty List. Let me assure you, it's real. And your name made it this year. I took mercy on you and filled your stocking but I am leaving you no other gifts. You better watch your attitude from today on because I've got my special Look Out Elf reporting all of your behavior to me each day. If you want off the Naughty List next Christmas, you better shape up. Now what do you believe, smart guy?


Unknown said...

rock on mama bear!! i'm considering a similar tactic with my boy. "don't think i won't cancel your christmas you little shit!"

ghsgsdbx said...

Too friggin funny... I'd so do it too. Your blog is HILARIOUS by the way... I get a kick out of your posts. Have a great Christmas!

Ariana said...

hahahahha ohhh poor Aiden, but it's tough love right! That's one Christmas he won't forget for sure!

Teisha said...

Wow. Aidan is one smart little devil.

Brandy Wilcoxen said...

DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! And post pics of the results ;)

Unknown said...

Dooooo IT!!! You have to, it would be so epic!

Megan said...

I feel like all children should have a Christmas where all they get is a lump of coal, a candy cane, and an itchy sweater.

Opto-Mom said...

You should have NOTHING under the tree for him except a note like the one you wrote, except add that he has 7 days to straighten his little ass up. If so, he will get his gifts. If not, he gets nothing. He would still get his Christmas, just a week late (assuming he straightens up).

Lorie Shewbridge said...

I don't live with you, so I can't say that he deserves it, but I would feel SO bad for him on Christmas morning no matter HOW bad he had been all year long.
I'm just a sucker like that.... and I bet you are too deep down inside.
I know I could never do it to one of my kids no matter what happened.

Ordie O. said...

Oh, you are so lucky you didn't do that. /-( (that's me frowning, by the way)

Anonymous said...

I'm sitting here reading through your archives and I LOVE THIS POST.

Remember back in 2009 when we could write shit like this and people fucking got it? They just laughed and understood that we aren't actually going to write an evil note from Santa--but our kids aren't fucking angels and we wish we could say this stuff sometimes! And people knew it was just a VENT and they shut their pie holes about feeling sorry for our children or what piss poor mothers we are.

*deep breath*

I'm always on the brink of ditching my blog. So many stupid doochebags read me and just skim my posts and spew politically correct vomit all over.

If your not frolicking in the sunshine with your DS and DD (gag) or pretending you have your shit totally together, then you're just a depressive, bitter, ungrateful, nasty hag. So many of us (pre-2010 bloggers) have quit and left the internet to the Pioneer Woman and her clones. I miss reading something real. Something funny.

So, don't give up. Posts like this encourage all the normal moms who aren't sipping the Mommy Blogger Kool-Aid.