November 23, 2010

The Annual Black Friday Rant

In a tradition I started last year, I bring you a rant about Black Friday that is as true for me today as it was when I wrote it 3 years ago.

Let's talk about Black Friday. 

Granted, I've never actually been in the midst of madness on Black Friday so I can't be absolutely positive but I'm pretty sure it sucks. I've never had my fingernails ripped out with pliars either but I'm not gonna volunteer to find out for certain. I'm just gonna trust my gut on this one. I don't play well with others. Specifically with the unwashed masses we call the general public. I can't imagine it going well.

Why must this all occur at O Dark Thirty? Great idea. Let's add another element of pissy to the whole thing. If I am up at 4am, I am not happy about it. Anyone in my vicinity will be made acutely aware of this fact. Maybe it's just me but I think 2500 reluctant early birds trying to squeeze through a 4 foot opening to fight for flatscreen TV's with a 'kill or be killed' mentality has potential to end in violence. I'm just sayin'.

Parking issues alone are reason enough for me to skip it. I come mere seconds from committing a felony on a normal day at Target when some prick in a Mercedes-Benz swoops in and takes the parking spot I've been waiting patiently for. I have to fight the urge to find out if that fancy hood ornament would look quite as impressive sticking out of his or her tight ass. Bet not! It'd sure make me feel a whole lot better though. 

Then, there is this insanity that apparently sweeps over the shoppers that makes them think they have ninja skills or something. If you and I are eyeballing the very last Suck My Toes Elmo and you snatch for it, I will whip your ass. Not because I want Elmo particularly but because you have challenged me for it. I'm 5ft 10, essentially an Amazonian Princess. Odds are that you are not physically up to this fight. Now unless he actually will suck your toes, that little red bastard is not worth it.

Legend has it that the best deals of the year are on Black Friday. Oh, the sales, the incredible one-time only deals! you say. Do you mean except for the after Christmas sales, the after New Years sales, the sales that follow very single other holiday and season of the year? Puh-leeze! There are 5 year olds who have the sense to know better than that crap. As if there will be no restocking of merchandise before Christmas. Whatever extra I have to pay or time I have to wait to not be out shopping on Black Friday is totally worth it. 

I know this goes against nature or some girl-code but I rarely do anything traditionally. I see no reason to start now. But hey, if you're feeling froggy... Just don't come cryin' to me when you end up with stitches from a mid-aisle brawl over the very last Baby Alive Fart 'N Hurl Doll. Happy shopping!!!


Texan Zombie Goddess said...

I think that Black Friday is for women (and men) that never got enough oxygen in the womb. That is the only way any normal human would subject this load of bullshite. I have friends who do this crazy shit every year, standing in sub-zero temps, getting run over by fat 80 year old who smell like old cat litter, just to buy the newest Lego Manson Murders set. Then they will have the audacity to bitch about how materialistic their children are. Really? There is nothing on God's green earth, short of good Chinese food and a Peppermint Mocha, that I plan on fighting old pedophiles for.

Besides all that, I have a spatial issue. I need space between me and the next crazy bitch with 14 screaming brats when I shop. No need to touch me, thank you.

Oh, funny story. Once I was flipped off by a woman who wanted the space I had been waiting for because she couldn't cut me off quick enough. So I smiled and flipped her back. This same lazy white trasher decided that she could be bothered to put her shopping cart into the cart corral right next to the spot she was in, so she put it behind another vehicle. As I put mine away, I simply walked over and pulled the cart just behind her SUV. She hit it. I smiled. Ahhh, I love holiday spirit.

Ummm...they have a Suck My Toes Elmo? Sounds like fun :)

~aj~ said...

Could. Not. Agree. More.

Kirby said...

I had never done the whole Black Friday thing until I moved to AR and my inlaws convinced me to go to Walmart. NEVER FREAKING AGAIN! It was INSANE and I was about to shoot myself. I still have nightmares about it I think. Your smart to not do it!

Sassofrass said...

I HATE black Friday too! I want NOTHING to do with the stores and saving 13 Cents on some crappy item! I would much rather sleep in!

kasandria said...

LMAO. See I am the TOTAL opposite. I love the Chaos. Total adrenaline rush.

Brenda Susan said...

Totally agreeing' with you here! This craziness just makes no sense to me at all!

cbs111 said...

I haven't missed a Black Friday since I was old enough to drive myself. It's not about saving the money for me, although that is nice. It's about winning. I see what I want and I will get it. And when I do I get to feel all smug about it, while I guard my cart like everyone there wants what I have.

Teisha said...

I agree eleventy hundred percent.