September 26, 2010

Amanda As An Adjective

Some things are just very 'Amanda' about me - being an asshole, for instance, and my near mythical lack of patience. Friends of mine have been known to describe a public tongue lashing to a perfect stranger as "going all Amanda" on someone. Anyway, the point is I'm realizing that a few of those things that are/were so concretely 'Amanda' maybe aren't so much anymore. And that kinda freaks me out.

One of these would be the idea of my being a runner. Look, if I am running, you can bet your candy ass that someone is chasing me. People who run for fun are alien to me. How is this fun? A high? Yeah, because I'm hyperventilating! Yet somehow, I find myself wanting to start running. It's like, who the fuck am I? I don't even know me anymore!

I do however, happen to know exactly where this shit is coming from. My neighbor. Okay, some of the blame lies with Deb but my neighbor is taking the big hit.

I've been trying to come up with a blog name for her. 'Skinny Bitch' keeps popping up for some reason. I mean if she feels comfortable enough to give me a pillbox that implies I need medication, which I adore, I figure it's okay to call her a skinny bitch, right?

Well, this running shit is all Skinny Bitch's fault. She completed like a hexathalon or something this past weekend. I completed a chocolate mousse sundae. Why can't she be into competitive eating or compulsive YouTube viewing?

I'm sure you've noticed this whacked out cooking shit with me, too. What's that about? I don't cook. And by don't, I mean my lack of cooking ability is legendary - much like my temper. The first time I cooked bacon I asked where the oil was.

What? Why would you need oil to cook bacon? my friend asked. I don't know "why", but there's always grease in a pan of bacon so where does that come from, hu, smart ass? I retorted. And she hasn't shut up about it since. That was 17 years ago.

There have been other, similar incidents since. Now all of a sudden I'm whipping up homemade pizza, apple cobbler from apples we picked ourselves can we say Fucking Yuppie?, and chicken fettuccine alfredo from scratch. It's like I'm not even me anymore!

But I gotta be honest and say I actually like cooking for a couple of reasons. When it comes out right, I thoroughly enjoy the accolades and when it goes wrong, it's an excellent excuse for me to throw a fit and pout - two areas in which I also dominate.

There are a couple 'Amanda' things I have managed to stay true to; I still don't drive a mini-van and I never will. I don't give a damn how convenient they are, not gonna do it! Also, I still fold up junk mail and put it into the postage paid envelope they sent with it and mail it back. I always smile when I put those envelopes into the mailbox. Because I'm an asshole. Oh, and I still don't/can't iron. So all in all, my poor husband is still screwed in the wife department. 


breanneryanmurray said...

thank you for the morning giggle... and i'm on the "fuck mini-vans" bandwagon too!! : )

Jessi said...

Fold up all the junk mail and send it back.

OMG LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

Rikki said...

Love the pill box!

~aj~ said...

And this post sums up the reasons why I love you. ;)

Texan Zombie Goddess said...

The pill box rocks, and mailing back junk mail??? Holy crap...I'm gonna do that too lol!!!!

Ordie O. said...

"Oh, let me out, Lionel. I feel like runnin'". (Remember that?) Hint #1: "You think I'm crazy 'cause a Emmett."

Mrs. Martha Sarah Stuart Sunshine said...

I love referring to females as "assholes". So, this post was especially charming to me...enjoyed it immensely. Thanks for the laughs.

Sarah Martha Stuart Sunshine

Deb said...

Haha! You may just learn to like running, but I highly recommend you get some new shoes. Your feet will thank you. You can keep blaming me and Skinny Bitch for the rest!

Lorie Shewbridge said...

First - I NEED to know where I can get one of those pill boxes, I totally love it!
Next - You had me laughing so hard, I thought my head was going to explode because I was trying to keep it quiet. Everyone is sleeping and I don't want to wake them up. I can hardly type because the tears are rolling down my face.
I even laughed snot out of my nose... Only to you would I admit that.
As for mini-van's, they were created by some evil man who wanted women to look totally un-sexy and stupid. I also will NEVER own one or drive one. I have a Jaguar (hubby bought it used for me) and will always have one! It matches my eyes, according to hubby.

Lorie Shewbridge said...

OH-MY-G0D, I thought I was the only one who sent junk mail, especially credit card offers, back to the people who mailed it to me. You are so totally awesome, I want to BE you!!