September 30, 2010

Don't Count Me In Yet

Like a dumbass, I went thru with that plan to become a freaking alien running person.  

Monday morning, 6:30am, I'm up searching frantically for my 12 year old tennis shoes, I was sure we moved them to this house. Grabbed for my morning Mtn Dew but figured alien runners would frown upon that so I filled up a bottle of water - gag!  

6:45am, Skinny Bitch and I head out. Various gossip and chit chat ensues. For about 5 minutes. At about that point the conversation became somewhat one sided because I couldn't breathe anymore. Oh God, don't let on that you can't breathe, Amanda, it's been like 6 minutes, she's your neighbor, you can't hide in shame after this! 

198 minutes and 16 miles later we were done. Okay, it was only 2.2 miles, same difference. Somehow I survived. Might have had a little trouble staying up on my legs while making muffins for the the boys - No need to bow down to me, it was a mix. By that afternoon blisters the size of my HEAD had developed on both of my pinkie toes. 

Tuesday I was going to go again because my pride is just enough to let me kill myself but thank God Skinny Bitch nixed it. If I live through Wednesday, you'll hear from me again.

September 28, 2010

30 Days

Going along with this what the hell is going on with me? crap, I'm gonna sign myself up for a 30 posts in 30 days meme. I know! It's like I've been abducted and replaced with a normal person in an Amanda suit. I guess we'll all get used to it. 

So each day is a different prompt and I'll start on Oct 1 and wrap it up, you guessed it, on Oct 30. Or I'll get bored and quit midway through - I may not be all the way gone after-all. 

Here are the prompts for each day. If anyone else wants in, well, I don't do that linky shit so just leave a comment. Oh but I'm going to set up a rule - don't get all cheeseball on me, kay? I may be "new Amanda" but I'm still an asshole.

Day 1 – your favorite song
Day 2 – your favorite movie
Day 3 – your favorite television program
Day 4 – your favorite book
Day 5 – your favorite quote
Day 6 – 20 of my favorite things
Day 7 – a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 – a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 – a photo you took
Day 10 – a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 – a photo of you recently
Day 12 – something you are OCD about
Day 13 – a fictional book
Day 14 – a non-fictional book
Day 15 – your dream house
Day 16 – a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 – an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 – your wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 – a talent of yours
Day 20 – a hobby of yours
Day 21 – a recipe
Day 22 – a website
Day 23 – a youtube video
Day 24 – where I live
Day 25 – your day, in great detail
Day 26 – your week, in great detail
Day 27 – my worst habit
Day 28 – what’s in my handbag/purse
Day 29 – hopes,dreams, plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 – a dream for the future beyond the next year

Well, you know how my running muse is Skinny Bitch? This 30 Days thing is all the fault of There's More to the Story so go check her out.

September 27, 2010

My Kid Can Out-Spell Your Kid

Aidan has finally given his permission for me to post something about him on my blog. He missed 2 or less on his test of regular words on Monday so he got a list of challenge words to study for Friday's test. And, as I knew he would, he whooped the asses of the challenge words! He said, "Mom, you can tell everyone about my spelling test. You can even put it on your blog. I know you want to." But for some reason he takes issue with a video of him putting on make-up half n@ked. What exactly is the difference, son? Geez!

September 26, 2010

Amanda As An Adjective

Some things are just very 'Amanda' about me - being an asshole, for instance, and my near mythical lack of patience. Friends of mine have been known to describe a public tongue lashing to a perfect stranger as "going all Amanda" on someone. Anyway, the point is I'm realizing that a few of those things that are/were so concretely 'Amanda' maybe aren't so much anymore. And that kinda freaks me out.

One of these would be the idea of my being a runner. Look, if I am running, you can bet your candy ass that someone is chasing me. People who run for fun are alien to me. How is this fun? A high? Yeah, because I'm hyperventilating! Yet somehow, I find myself wanting to start running. It's like, who the fuck am I? I don't even know me anymore!

I do however, happen to know exactly where this shit is coming from. My neighbor. Okay, some of the blame lies with Deb but my neighbor is taking the big hit.

I've been trying to come up with a blog name for her. 'Skinny Bitch' keeps popping up for some reason. I mean if she feels comfortable enough to give me a pillbox that implies I need medication, which I adore, I figure it's okay to call her a skinny bitch, right?

Well, this running shit is all Skinny Bitch's fault. She completed like a hexathalon or something this past weekend. I completed a chocolate mousse sundae. Why can't she be into competitive eating or compulsive YouTube viewing?

I'm sure you've noticed this whacked out cooking shit with me, too. What's that about? I don't cook. And by don't, I mean my lack of cooking ability is legendary - much like my temper. The first time I cooked bacon I asked where the oil was.

What? Why would you need oil to cook bacon? my friend asked. I don't know "why", but there's always grease in a pan of bacon so where does that come from, hu, smart ass? I retorted. And she hasn't shut up about it since. That was 17 years ago.

There have been other, similar incidents since. Now all of a sudden I'm whipping up homemade pizza, apple cobbler from apples we picked ourselves can we say Fucking Yuppie?, and chicken fettuccine alfredo from scratch. It's like I'm not even me anymore!

But I gotta be honest and say I actually like cooking for a couple of reasons. When it comes out right, I thoroughly enjoy the accolades and when it goes wrong, it's an excellent excuse for me to throw a fit and pout - two areas in which I also dominate.

There are a couple 'Amanda' things I have managed to stay true to; I still don't drive a mini-van and I never will. I don't give a damn how convenient they are, not gonna do it! Also, I still fold up junk mail and put it into the postage paid envelope they sent with it and mail it back. I always smile when I put those envelopes into the mailbox. Because I'm an asshole. Oh, and I still don't/can't iron. So all in all, my poor husband is still screwed in the wife department. 

September 23, 2010


Who else has wasted 16 hours doing Five on Facebook? You know, 5 cars you'd like to own, 5 places you'd never eat at again, 5 ways you'd dispose of a body... you get the point. Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to steal the idea from Living Social and parley it into a blog post. Hey, when your brain is mush like mine has been, it's steal shit to post or die a slow blog death.

Five people I'd like to slap the shit out of.

*Kristen Stewart - For so many reasons but right now, for biting her bottom lip. Every. 6. seconds. We get it, you're angst ridden!

*Sarah Palin - How could I have known on August 29, 2008 that this woman would still be irritating me 2+ years later with no end in sight. She's really not going away, is she?

*Taylor Swift - Yes, I know Kanye was mean to her, yes I know she's cute, yes, I know her songs are catchy. I still don't like the twit.

*Lady Gaga - For real, what's wrong with jeans and a tank top? Or even those annoying and universally unflattering skinny jeans and a flowy shirt with a radically uneven hem. Everyday is NOT Halloween so stop with the costumes, mkay?

*Spencer Pratt - Simply because someone needs to bitch slap him for being a bitch. Seriously.

Wow, I'm really just getting started. I've even got some folks in my real life I wouldn't mind whacking but who knows who all reads this blog. Note to self: Self, go totally anonymous on new blog so you can talk shit without bounds.

P.S. Yes, I had to go back and label this post with Got Me Hate Mail. Apparently some people liked Lady Gaga's meat dress. Oh, well, how dare I have an opinion and write it in MY blog. Go fuck yourself, troll!

September 22, 2010

What's Another Word For Random? Fortuitous. This Post Is Fortuitous.

When the whole idea of a new blog came up in my head, I thought to myself, "Self, this could be your chance to distance real life you from blog you." So I started the process and eventually came to my Facebook. Not really surprisingly, a mass delete session is very therapeutic. Just hovering over the X on someone you'd really like to delete but just don't want to deal with the fallout over actually doing so is really the next best thing.

Speaking of the new blog, I really want to name it I'm An Epic Asshole, You've Been Warned. Or just Fuuuuuuck! That's got a nice ring to it, don'tcha think?

We started buying Aidan some long pants and jeans for school. I'm over the whole let him pick out his own clothes bullshit because really, the kid has no style. And also may be color blind. Of course he can't wear the pants yet because 1, it's still 80 degrees most days and 2, we have to have a full foot of length cut off of them first. This presents a problem because I'm also challenged in the sewing area of being a woman. Oh, I have a sewing machine. A nice one. I can't thread the mother fucker. Forget sewing a straight line, I have no idea if I can do that or not. Now I'm awaiting my mother in law's next visit. Here, hem up 15 pair of pants while you're on vacation. Also, your son wants some homemade dumplings for dinner. Gracias!

Ok, show of hands, er, comments, whatever, who's reading me but not doing their duty by actually following me on Google? You know, that little box over there that shows how much I'm loved? I'm not feeling it. The last time Mr remarked about my unpopularity was almost a year ago. I've made precious little progress since then considering this blog has had 81,000 unique hits during that time. Now I'm no math whiz but shit's not adding up, capeesh? For reals, have I not adequately portrayed how my self esteem is all wrapped up in numbers? I don't have time to go into it again right now so just go click Follow, kaythanksbye.

September 21, 2010

Chicken, Veggie, and Rice Soup

The other day I made macaroni and cheese for Asher for breakfast - shut the hell up, it was whole grain! and after he took the first bite said "Why you put sand in my macacheese?". So clearly I can screw up boxed mac and cheese. That's talent, yo. 

And with that bright, shining endorsement, here's another recipe.

Old Fashioned chicken, veggie, and rice soup

8  cups chicken broth
1/2  onion, chopped
3  stalks celery, diced
3  carrots, diced
2-3  garlic cloves, minced
1  cup uncooked rice
1 1/2  teaspoons dried thyme
2  cups cooked chicken, cubed

Combine broth, onion, celery, carrots and garlic in a large soup pot, bring to a boil. Add rice and thyme, reduce heat to low and simmer uncovered 25 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the chicken and heat through. Eat up!

Note: The recipe calls for garlic cloves. Let me just say this, make sure you use garlic cloves and not ground cloves. Not that I had any issue in that sense. I certainly did not get a hint of a strange smell/taste in my first batch. And I didn't go back and look at all the ingredients I used and determine I made that mistake. Not me, no sir.

September 17, 2010

A Trend I Hope Passes Quickly

I really thought that having boys, I was going to squeak by without the drama of the "But Jenny has Guess jeans and a Cabbage Patch doll!". I figured I'd be buying ridiculously expensive tennis shoes at some point but instead, at this 6 year old, first grade point, I hear "Johnny has these awesome Silly Bandz, they're SO COOL, Mom, I want some, can I have some, hu, Mom? I want some Silly Bandz!"  And because Aidan thinks they're awesome, Asher has also developed a taste for the trendier things in life. Of course, you know what that means, don't you? Yes, they throw down over them every single day, multiple times a day. So thank you for that, Silly Bandz people. 

P.S. I acknowledge that Silly Bandz probably won't ask me to review their product or do a giveaway now. That's cool, I wouldn't do that to other parents anyway. 

September 12, 2010

Sometimes I Plan Way Ahead

This may or may not be a mommy-blog. It's certainly a mommy-blog that holds the word fuck in high regard. I assumed that in itself would exclude me from the mommy centric stuff. Apparently not. I get offers to review baby slings - hello, my kids are 3 and 6! - when what I really want to review is a 4 star resort in the Bahamas or a GMC Acadia. It's like no one actually reads this blog. They just see the cartoon martian in the header and the word kids in the title and BAM! Pitch the bitch some organic chicken nuggets, see if she bites. 

And that is why shit is gonna change around here. 

I know, I know, it changes all. the. time. But this time I'm talking about a whole new ball game. New design, new title, new domain. Rest assured, this does not mean I'm going to stop bitching about my kids because hello, they're kind of a pain in the ass and therefore excellent blog fodder. Just the outward appearance/theme/genre will be much less kid-y. My domain registration runs out in April of 2011 so that's the big date. In the meantime I already know who I'm going to have design it - you know who you are, skank - but my loyal readers (all 7 of you) get to help me come up with a new title and tag line. 

There are rules
1. The word mom or any variation of it - mama, mommy, mum, mother, or ma - is prohibited
2. No references to kids, this thing is about ME
3. As much as I adore the language of profanity, no curse words
4. It must be short - at least shorter than My Kids Might Be Martians cuz, damn!

September 9, 2010

Example #461 Of How I Am Failing As A Mother

This is Aidan's Kindergarten picture.

Guess what he wore on Tuesday for his first grade photo? Oh yes, a yellow polo shirt. Of course you know what this means, right? He'll be wearing a yellow polo shirt for every school photo until he graduates. Because that's just the kind of anal retentive, control freak, lunatic I am. Or maybe I could get retakes...

September 7, 2010

Questions for the Universe

Can you, for the love of all that is right in the world, explain to me how it is that all 7 of the stop lights between my house and Aidan's school are in cahoots to screw with me? For instance, if I have managed to leave the house a few minutes early or just on time and a few red lights wouldn't hurt anything, they are all green. On the other hand, if, say theoretically, I am on the verge of actually having an accident of the bathroom variety, every mother farking light is red. And not just I come up on it and it's red, it's turns red 2 seconds before I get to it - therefore prolonging my time there to the max.

Does Facebook read my mind? Because somehow they know that there are people in my peripheral life that I really just can't stand. Hence they are not my Facebook friends, see how that works? But Facebook keeps putting their irritating mug up, suggesting that I add them as a friend. But do you think they've managed to track down one, just ONE old friend from jr high? Oh hell no, what kind of sense would that make?

This one isn't a question for the universe, per se, other than it's just another example of stuff in my life that makes me audibly ask "Why? Just why?". Today was picture day at school for Aidan. Today was also the start of spirit week at school for Aidan, Hat Day to be exact. Now why, WHY would you tell Kindergarteners and First graders that they can wear a hat to school on. picture. day? Is it specifically so that I can try to reason with a little boy that yes, he can wear a hat to school but not until after the pictures are taken? Because everyone knows little boys are notorious for being logical and reasonable, right? Also, aside from the fight over the hat, Aidan and I threw down over what he would wear to have pictures taken in. I firmly suggested khaki shorts and a polo shirt, color of his choice. He countered with a grey Batman t-shirt and blue nylon shorts. This was never a negotiation, clearly he was not aware. It was not a peaceful morning. I can only imagine the expression his face will hold for the photos. 

So, again, I ask - Why? Just why?

September 2, 2010

Pity Should Be Unconditional

For the past week+ I've been dying. 

No, really, DYING. 

I've got a sinus infection or an allergy to, I don't know, air? or I've somehow caught the bubonic plague or scarlet fever. Whatever it is, it sucks. I've called to whine to my mom about it a couple times and finally she inquired as to why it was that I was bitching instead of going to the dr. When I told her it was because I don't want to get weighed she withdrew her pity. She then proceeded to cackle a half breathless cackle and went into a mock conversation with the Mr - I'm sorry, she wouldn't let us weigh her so we didn't know how much medication to give her. I'm afraid we lost her. Bwahahahaha! 

She's  hysterical, that one!

September 1, 2010

Funny Is All Around Me

I, for reasons I cannot articulate, was watching the Outdoor Channel with my husband. That's his brand of reality TV.

So this grown ass man is up in a tree stand and the "buck of a lifetime" (note: they're always the buck of a lifetime) is in front of him. He draws back his bow, releases the arrow... right underneath the deer.

Deer runs off and he proceeds to throw. a. fit. in the deer stand and 2 full minutes of bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep can't bleep believe bleep bleep buck bleep next time...

The show cuts to another day or maybe the same day, I don't know because they wear cammo every day. The same buck is out in front of him, he draws back his bow, releases the arrow... right over the buck's back. Basically a repeat of the stomping, cursing, fit throwing scene from before ensued.

Finally he's on the same buck again and he manages to hit the damn thing this time. And then he puffs up and goes into his spiel about what a great hunter he is. Really, dude? You know there's a camera following you, right? Funny!

An excerpt of a text convo between me and my neighbor:

Me - Whatcha doin?

Her - Cleaning piss off the treadmill. U?

Me - Haha! Kid or dog?

Her - Kid!

At this point I was basically just thrilled that kind of shit doesn't just happen to me. Funny!

This morning Aidan was struggling to get out of the truck with his Target bag of snacks for the class. The ever present pack of teachers who are supposed to assist students but more often watch them struggle did nothing, as expected. Finally as he gets up from tumbling out of the truck, one comes over and reaches for the bag and he glares at her and says "Leave it alone! I already FELL!". I love that kid! Funny!