July 27, 2010

My Shrink Needs A Shrink. Or A New Secretary.

Ya'll, my shrink, I say "my" shrink even though we have yet to meet despite 3 scheduled appointments, is gettin' on my damn nerves.  

I knew my crazy pills were going to run out while I was on vacation so a full month before my vacation, I call to get in to see someone. I fill out my 60 pages of intake forms and schedule my appointment for 9 days before I leave for Arkansas.

The day before that appointment; 



I know we scheduled you for tomorrow but the Dr Crazy isn't going to be in. 

Dude, I need my crazy pills.

Okay, can you come in so and so day? 4 days before I leave for vacation.

I'll make it work.

The morning of that appointment;


Dr Crazy's Office.

I just wanted to confirm my appointment for this afternoon.

Yes, we have you down. See you then.

Two hours later;



I know you just confirmed your appointment for this afternoon but Dr Crazy isn't going to be in.

Dude, I'm serious, I. need. my. crazy. pills.

Let me see what I can do, I'll call you back.

*I call my mom to freak out on her about it and she basically says Don't you dare come down here without your crazy pills. I'm serious. Don't do it.*


Okay, we'll call you in some crazy pills and reschedule for when you come back. How's Aug 16?

Great, thanks, I'll make it work.

Yesterday on my voicemail;

This is Dr Crazy's office calling to confirm your appointment for Monday, July 26. See you then!

*Pulls some hair out* Oh My God, what the holy sam fuck is wrong with you people! Are you fucking serious? I'm crazy, you are making me crazier, are you doing this on purpose? Did you read my intake forms? Am I being Punk'd? Is Dr Crazy crazy, does he need his very own shrink? Fuuuuuuuuck!

Like, seriously, what could possibly be a reasonable explanation for this nonsense? Even I, as a crazy person, know that you do not screw with crazy people like that unless you want to watch someone come undone.

July 26, 2010

What It Looked Like To Me

Our first day of this vacation, we stayed across the street from our old house with our neighbor, Lenka. She planned a big lunch for all of us gals and our respective packs of hyenas kids to get together. Dumb Brave girl, that one. So she leaves the house that morning saying she's going to get food. Lenka always cooks some whacked ass, yet awesome, Czech food and I was jonesin' for some. She comes back some time later with grocery bags. And two young Thai men. 

I'm thinkin', Um, what the hell is going on here? Did she just go hire Thai boys to cook us Thai food? But there were sixty six kids running in and out of the house from the pool, fights breaking out between kids, friends I hadn't seen in awhile coming and going so I didn't really have a second to think much more about it.  Next thing I know the food is ready and it smells  w o n d e r f u l!!!  For real, ya'll, mouth waterin', mkay?

Finally after we've inhaled every bit of it I got a chance to ask Lenka Dude, did you plan to hire Thai boys to cook for you or did you just get lucky in the Thai fod aisle?  When she was done choking/laughing at me she explained that the guys drive ice cream trucks for her father in law so they're friends. Well, la dee da, how was I suposed to know? All I knew was that you were going to "get lunch" and you came back with two Thai boys trailing you and then they cooked. I figured it was something like how you get off scott free every single time you get pulled over.  *Don't go feeling too sorry for her, she's a beautiful Czech girl and every time she opens her mouth near a male here in the good ol' US of A, they drop to her feet. As her friends, we are obligated to give her shit, kinda even things out a little. Hee hee hee...

July 25, 2010

Hey Mother Nature, You Suck!

We've been here 12 days.  Every day has been hot as all hell, no rain, damn sure no storms. So last week we decided to rent the city pool out for this evening, invite a bunch of folks and have a good time. 

Then Mother Nature had to show her ass. 

This afternoon while we were swimming at another pool, the sky clouds over and it starts pouring ice cold rain, the wind starts howling, tree branches are coming down, thunder is rumbling and lightening is cracking. I'm all No fucking way, surely to hell this isn't happening TODAY.  And Mother Nature was all Uh, bet your ass it is, in fact, here, why don't ya'll stay awhile. And we huddled together in the bathroom because we couldn't even see to get to the truck. And I'm all, You mother fucker! And she's all, Oh, alright, I'll clear up a bit for your little soiree... Sike! *random bolt of lightening AT THE POOL*

Have any of you ever seen what happens when you tell 2 six year olds, a five year old, and a three year old that the pool party you've been using as a calming technique, threatening tool, reward, and other miscellaneous parenting no-nos for the past 6 days that there is now not going to be a pool party at all? Dude, it'll make you consider risking the electrocution dangers. I mean, what the hell, fried kids are quiet kids, right?

*Seriously, Anonymous, look up sarcasm and sarcastic humor and then count to ten before you send me an email. Or don't and I'll relentlessly taunt you from my blog. Yeah, that'd be more fun.

July 24, 2010

Not Feeling The Fashion

I'm going to burn Aidan's fave shirt. Don't judge, he's worn it 8 days straight, only taking it off with much protest to my washing it. Multiple eye rolling going on here!

July 23, 2010

Oh, NOW I Remember!

We've been tearing up some backwoods swimming holes here in Polk County, Arkansas. Great fun, yes. But after tonight, that shit is over. Tonight I spent more than an hour picking seed ticks off Aidan and Asher's nether regions with rubbing alcohol and tweezers.

Oh yes, you read correctly.

Hundreds of these little bastards!

We first noticed them during the bbq/pool party at a friend's house this evening. There were some behind Asher's ear and we quickly found them every fucking where! At one point he was in the bathtub with 3 girls - me and two of my nieces. He pretty much ate that up - giggling at inappropriate times, such as when I was cupping whatever home spun recipe of shit we were trying at that point onto his... um... below the belt equipment. Aidan walked in around this time and jumped to his brother's aid by screaming "Get off my brother's pen*s!". Believe me, kid, I'd love to, really I would! He got his dose of it once we got back to my mom's place and broke out the tweezers and rubbing alcohol. Asher was first and was SO good about it.  We gave him a bag of Funyuns and he took it like a man.  Aidan bowed up a bit at first but once he was sure the girls weren't looking at him, he let me get business taken care of. 

Betcha this is a vacation they'll never forget.

And that is how I remembered why I'm a city girl these days.

July 20, 2010

Lightening Has Struck Again

Praise God, Asher is potty-trained! I'm not entirely sure how it happened but I don't entirely care. Yaaay me!
Still in AR. I'll catch up soon. Miss me yet?

July 19, 2010

I Got Graded

I requested my Grade Report from WebsiteGrader.com
Readability Level : Primary / Elementary School
This score measures the approximate level of education necessary to read and understand the web page content.

Fantastic.  I'm a simpleton.  I write for Kindergarteners.  And most of them are able to understand me.  

On a positive note, there are 1,286 sites on the web that link to me.  So at least 1,286 people like me.  Or hate me.  Either way, they linked up.  And overall, Martians scored a 95 out of 100.  So why am I not rollin' in the dough?

July 15, 2010

Welcome Home

When the bug gut splatter on the windshield is enough to cast shadows on the dashboard, you know you're in Arkansas. Home sweet home.

July 13, 2010

Leavin' On A Jet Plane, Er, In A Jeep Commander

The kids are sitting in the truck in the garage. I'm inside hiding. See, they are excited about this suicide mission trip to Arkansas but me? Not so much. Oh, I'm excited to get there but unlike life, the ride isn't the good part. Based on this morning's events - which by the way started at 6:50am - they'll be hitching a ride before we hit Kansas City. Sucks to be whoever picks them up.

Ok, I just heard 6 door slams. Now assuming they somehow managed to reach the hatchback, they have slammed at least one door twice. Hold on...



This is going to be a long fucking trip!

18 days, I'm not taking my laptop *gasp* so the only blogging I'll be doing will be in 160 characters or less. Hey Blackberry, I'm not a girl who relishes restrictions or limits. SO QUIT BOSSING ME! I've set up a few posts while I'm gone but consider this a blog-cation. Except still stop by to check cuz my self worth is all wrapped up in the numbers and stats and you wouldn't want me to feel bad now would ya? I thought not. 

Okay, well, that's about all the procrastinating I've got in me. I think I hear the boys sniffling, gonna give 'em a dose of Benadryl just to be on the safe side.

What? Don't judge until you've ridden in a confined space with them for more than 16 minutes, mkay?

July 12, 2010

Meet The Parents

Ah the hometown dates. Such good blog fodder, thank you ABC.

Ok, first things first. So, the network can pay to fly those fools all around the world but can't pop to touch up Ali's roots. Jesus fuck! The extensions, the bobby pin mass, and the roots are burning my eyes, the laugh/cackle is bursting my eardrums... I am so damn glad we are at the final 4!

Also, here is a list of shit I wish Ali would never. say. again.
There's no doubt in my mind thaaat...
Just seeing Roberto/Chris/Kirk/Frank in his element...
It feels soooo gooood to...
...someone I'm gonna share my life with.
This is getting really serious now.

Roberto in Tampa. Rico Suave is still too pretty for Ali, that hasn't changed. Sorry.

Chris in Massachusetts. Um, did Ali make herself that tail to bond with Chris's dog? To each her own, I guess.

Kirk's dad's basement. Oh bloody hell, if that wasn't the absolute best reaction ever! I think they picked Kirk JUST for that basement. 

Frank in Chicago.  How awesome of Frank's family to explain away his neurosis. Blood is thicker than nationally televised prostitution!

Pre-Rose ceremony therapy session with Dr Chris Harrison, general rehashing of everything we just watched for the last 90 minutes *Has this show always been 2 hours long every episode, day-um!* Ali bores me to tears some more, Ali walks into the ceremony with her pouty face on *smack!*, after a really annoyingly long time, 2 roses are out, enter Captain No Shit There's Only One Rose Left, and buh-bye Kirk!

The end.

July 10, 2010

How (or how not) To Plan A Birthday Party

3 weeks before birthday
Choose date. 
Choose guest list. 

*no need to buy the decorations this early*

2 weeks before party
Send out emails to parents of kids from Aidan's class (because I hate calling people) to invite them to party.

*notice no shopping for party decor*

1 week before party
Freak out/internally rage that people aren't returning my fucking emails and RSVPing for party. Label them inconsiderate assholes. 
Grudgingly start calling inconsiderate assholes. Almost no one answers. Leave rambling messages.

*notice still no shopping for party decor*

3 days before party
Kinda hope inconsiderate assholes don't decide to come so I don't have to pretend they're not inconsiderate assholes during party.

*still no shopping for party decor*

Night before party
Desperately search for soccer party decorations. Find that there are no soccer party decorations in the state of Iowa. Decide "Fuck this, there's plenty of Transformers shit..." Call Aidan at home, make it seem like his idea to change from soccer to Transformers. Score! Bakery is closed but by some miracle of God, get ahold of someone, change the cake to Transformers. Score! Buy all the Transformers shit in existence including a Transformers pinata because I am absolutely fantastic like that.

*It's 1am. Probably not the best idea to hold party on less than average
sleep considering the kind of bitch I am on plenty of sleep. Just a thought.*

July 9, 2010

I Can't Not Blog About This Any Longer

Lindsay Lohan says that the punishment for violating her probation like 1600 times is harsh. 


Hey Linds, I think  getting busted for drugs how ever many times you've been busted and getting how ever many DUIs you've gotten and only getting probation is harsh. And by "harsh" I mean it's bullshit and they should have thrown your ass in jail a long damn time ago. Also harsh? Missing seven court appointed alcohol education classes before anyone did anything about it. More harsh? Being a disrespectful little brat by painting Fuck You on your fingernails for court. Grow the fuck up and get off my damn Yahoo News.

July 8, 2010

Testing this mobile blogging.

A Few Things

My luck, she may be a changin' - I won 2 things in the last few weeks. A Wii game from Firefly Blog and a blog makeover from Designs by Vheil. My Sponsored Tweets is finally at a payout level, an old sponsor contacted me and wants to place their ad again, AND that same company chose me to review a totally awesome product that I am in desperate need of and would have never bought for myself. So, yay me!

That marks the end of my positiveness, let's get back to the true spirit of this blog, shall we?

The boys and I leave for Arkansas next Tuesday and we'll be there until the end of July. That part is awesome and I can't wait! The part I'm not looking forward to is the endless hours in the car with the two of them hitting, kicking, biting, punching, spitting, screaming, arguing, whining, and basically making me crazy. I ordered wireless headphones so I don't have to listen to Chicken Little seventeen times in a row so it's possible that could save their young lives but it's really a toss up. Check back for updates to find out for sure. I don't have much hope for them.

Before we leave, Aidan will turn 6. That means only 12 more years until we can legally kick him out of the house. He told me recently that he was going to always live with me and I may have scared him by laughing maniacally for 3 solid minutes. So we're having a soccer themed birthday party on Saturday. Ya think anyone has bothered to RSVP? Nope. So we could have 15 people. Could have 35. Who knows? Makes for difficult planning. People are assholes.

I finally saw Eclipse. Alone. Yes, I'm a loser. I've gotta say, I liked this one! Kristen Stewart irritated me significantly less than she has in the past 2 movies and I think she went the whole movie without biting her bottom lip. Yes, I was watching for it. Yes, I'm a petty, judgy, bitch like that. Anyway, she played human pretty well so she's improving. I found Jacob less hot this time - and now he's legal, go figure! I still think Patty Boy is no Edward but I've decided that the Twilight books and the Twilight movies are two completely separate stories to me so I guess he's ok as movie Edward.

Um, I'm gaining weight like it's my fucking JOB and I'm working OVERTIME and it's pissing me off. And if one more skinny bitch says "move more, eat less", I'm gonna lose. my. shit. I'm talking to you, Jillian, you fucking Freak of Nature Nazi Drill Sergeant! I ever meet you in a dark alley, I'm gonna use the velocity behind my fat ass to pin you down and feed you your 30 Day Shred DVD and my hand weights. 

That's all for now. 

July 6, 2010

Stolen Thunder

Okay, in the spirit of not blogging about The Bachelorette, here's what went down last night.

Setting: Beautiful Portugal

Characters: Ali and her gnarly, knotty, chemically blonde hair, that's in a constant state of falling out of the bobby-pins therefore driving me crazy. 

Roberto AKA Latin Luva, I think you're safe as long as you don't tell Ali that you're too beautiful for her. Her self esteem is fragile. And by the way, that insecurity will continue to be an issue so prepare.

Kirk and Ty, I just don't have much to say about you two except... nope, nothing.

Frank, Insecure Frank.

Spectator Commentary:

Hey Ali, way to play up his Chris's manly-ness by taking over the driving. Not something men like, just a useful tidbit of info for the future.  Also, I asked you nicely once, stop laughing. Next time I will have to be more persuasive in my requests. You remember the horse head scene in The Godfather, right? I'm capable.

Sorry, Chris, here's the Can You Handle A Situation Which Makes You Look Silly date.

Gawd, Ali, book a photographer to capture you mid-air. Ham!

Hey thanks, Chris States The Obvious During Every Rose Ceremony, I was having a hard time subtracting the roses from the number of men!

Ali, don't make me add "don't make the pouty face" to the list of stuff things you are forbidden to do.

And now for what everyone will be talking about - Jake and Vienna are splitsville. 

Whaaaa? No way! 

Oh, way! Like we didn't see that one coming. 

In a nutshell Jake acted exactly like the asshole Vienna told us we was. Vienna acted exactly like the eviscerating bitch Jake told us she was. Still, I'm on Vienna's side. Because Jake's a douchebag. And Chris Harrison... don't get me started on Chris Harrison. Does anyone else think he and Jake have kissed? Seems obvious to me.

The best part about the Jake/Vienna portion of the show? Vienna stole Ali's thunder again! Day-um, that stings, doesn't it, Ali? *snicker*

July 5, 2010

They Never Tire Of It

Aidan picks on Asher. Asher screams an ear drum busting scream. Aidan laughs at Asher. Asher growls. Aidan cries.

Every. single. day.

July 1, 2010

So Much For Counting On Family

So after the sunburn from hell, my back is now mucho itchy and peeling. As you can imagine, the sunburn being on my back and all, I can't reach it to sufficiently scratch or peel it myself. The way I see things, my husband, being sworn to obey during those pesky wedding vows, is duty bound to scratch and peel my back for me. 

Honey, I need you to peel my back, it's driving me crazy.

What!? No way!

What?!?! Whaddaya mean, 'No way', you HAVE to!

No I don't and I'm not doing it. Yuck.

Are you being serious right now?

Uh, yes, I am.

Bullshit, you're peeling my back tonight.


Later in the evening...

Seriously, honey, I need you to help me.

I'm. not. peeling. dead. skin. off. your. back.

I can't believe this! How am I supposed to get it off?

Use that bushy thing in the shower.

The loofah? That thing only reaches as far as my fingers can reach! You have to do it!

I'll get my belt sander out and do it then.

I'm taking this to the blog....

The next morning...

Aidan! Come here.

Mama, Asher hit me first so I...

Just quit, that's not why I called you. I need your help.

Oh, ok, I'll help.

See my back? I need you to peel all that skin off.

No way, gross, Mom!

Aw fucking hell!