June 30, 2010

To Whom It May Concern

Dear ABC,
I'm sure you're familiar with the BLEEP to cover profanity? May I suggest you utilize the BEEP when Ali laughs from now on? In fact, I'm going to have to insist. I mean really, that laugh is SO annoying!

Dear Ali,
Stop laughing. Kthxbye.

Dear Justin,
Buh-bye. Sorry you got busted out cuz I think you dumping Ali at the final 3 would have been like the best blog fodder ever. 

Dear Craig,
Buh bye. Not sorry you got booted. I know the olive oil was what made you literally greasy but I found you "greasy" long before that scene. 

Dear Roberto,

Dear Ty,
Your time's comin'. And you should be glad because Ali and you aren't gonna work out.

Dear Chris,
I can't remember what you did this episode. So rock on.

Dear Kirk,
Again, I can't remember what you did this episode. So, again, rock on.

Dear Frank,
Soooooo, you collapse in on yourself every time you see Ali with one of the other guys. But it seems you make it pretty far down the line and Ali falls for you and then you dump her for an old girlfriend you still have feelings for. Hmmm. YESSS! We couldn't count on Justin to pull it off but damn if we ever saw it coming from you. That is going to be a fantastic episode!

Dear Self,
Stop watching this shit.

June 25, 2010

I Lie But For A Very Good Reason

I tell people that I don't answer the phone because there's always a kid screaming and I can text thru screaming.

That's not entirely true.

It's true that there's always a kid screaming but that's not why I don't answer. I don't want to answer because I fancy myself much more eloquent via text. Or email. And by eloquent, I mean less like a blubbering idiot. This would also be the reason I do not and will not ever "vlog". The closest I come is my voice on the videos I take of the boys and I cringe to hear even that. I hate talking on the phone unless it's my sister or my folks - there is no doubt left in their minds of my idiot-ness, nothing to betray there. My 13 year old self would clutch her heart dramatically and fall to the floor at that rejection of the all important telephone but it's true. I like to communicate, I don't like to talk - if that makes any sense.

And that all applies to the phone. In person I'm even less impressive. I'm shy so I get nervous and when I get nervous I start talking. About anything. Things that shouldn't be said to nearly perfect strangers. It's essentially diarrhea of the mouth and quite often I find myself just wishing I had just shit all over the place rather than having said what I said. Probably would have gone smoother.

I meet new people and exchange phone numbers and then fret... I'm wondering if they know think I'm a lunatic and if by some miracle of God they haven't come to that conclusion, praying to God they text me. Is that too much to hope for?

June 23, 2010

Do They Screen For Crazy When Casting The Bachelorette?

I'm not blogging about The Bachelorette this season, I've told you all I wouldn't do that to you. And now with that disclaimer out of the way...

I waited the entire episode waiting for Krazy Kasey to reveal the Stalker Tattoo. So did the Mr.  No shit, he was beside himself waiting for that to go down. In the meantime he got a kick out of some other stuff. Not that he was watching or anything...

My favorite moments of the evening included:

*When Wrestler Justin said the Championship Belt was Ali in this "wrestling match". Dude, you know this is gonna be on TV, don'tcha? Even the Mr said "Oh, Buddy, you better hope she never hears that!"

*When they showed Wrestler Justin inside the ice cave schmoozing Ali and then they cut to Krazy Kasey sitting outside in the snow like a toddler in time out. Because that's just funny.

*When Ali utters the phrase "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal."  Oh, is that all?  Ok, how's this for normal, BAM! *reveals tattoo which proves he's imbalanced.* 

*When basically 30 seconds after the big tattoo reveal, Justin and Ali fly off in the helicopter and leave Kasey's ass on the top of the glacier. God, I love this show!

*When Ali asks Chris N to tell her something exciting about himself and he says "I love Mexican food". I love Mexican food? So THAT'S why you get zero airtime, because you're essentially a human Ambien. Rock on, playa. 

June 22, 2010

Brilliant Parenting

Shut up

Aidan is not allowed to say these words yet he says them all. the. time. So I decided every time he says one of them, he has to write it 100 times. Then I realized he gets confused while counting to 100 so I'd have to help keep him on track. Screw that. Okay, 20 times it is. First one he had to write, Brat. Now he doesn't say brat anymore. He spells it. 

I am tearing this parenting thing up, I tell ya!

June 21, 2010

Musical Monday - It's About The Video

Erykah Badu got some flak for the video for her song Window Seat.  In it, she is seen stripping as she walks down the street in Dallas where President Kennedy was shot and then dramatically falling as she is "shot" at the place where he was.  That happens around 4:45 in.

M.I.A.'s video for her song Born Free is some deep shit.  I first stumbled on this from Sara's blog.  She linked to this article that was written in response.  I've got nothing to add, it's a fantastically horrible video and it will make you think. There's a graphic warning on the video itself, I suggest you be ready - and away from the eyes of little people - if you watch it.  

Well, shit, I just realized the Vevo Nazi's won't let you watch the video from here so just click over to watch it on YouTube. Sorry.

June 20, 2010

Why Did I Want Them To Learn To Talk Again?

Aidan's best one this week...

Oh man, I farted and a little bitta poop came out!

And some via Asher...

Asher - Mama, I want candy, I peed.
Me - You get candy for pooping, not pee pee.
Asher - But Mama, I farted!

Me - Asher Matthew, that is ENOUGH!
Asher - No, it NOT enough!

Asher - Yuck! You kissed me on my face! *wipes cheeks feverishly*

June 19, 2010

Cheesy Hashbrowns

This is a favorite side dish at our house.  If you've ever had Cracker Barrel's Cheese Hashbrown Casserole, this is that.  Only better.  Honest.

2lbs frozen hashbrowns - thawed
1/3 small onion - finely diced
1/2 cup melted butter
1 can Cream of Chicken soup
1 pint of soup cream
2 cups of shredded cheddar cheese
1 teaspoon salt, 1/4 teaspoon pepper

Mix all together and spread evenly into an ungreased baking dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes to an hour.  

*We like ours really crispy so we let it go an hour at least. Also, we usually don't use the sour cream and there is no difference in the taste at all.

June 17, 2010

Is That A Threat?

At the video store - Mama, can I have a small candy?


At the gas station - Mama, can I get some M&Ms?


At the grocery store - Mama, can I get some ice cream?


At home - Mama, my sweet tooth is getting angry cuz you won't let me have anything sweet!  My healthy tooth is happy but my sweet tooth is getting angrier and angrier. *cue Hulk voice* You won't like me when I'm angry!

I'm not scared of your sweet tooth, kid.

June 16, 2010

Blast From The Past

As a subtle hint for me to post more pictures of the boys and to remind me that Aidan has always been good blog fodder, my friend AJ sent me a link to an old blog she wrote - I'm pretty sure even before I started my blog.  I was pregnant with Asher at the time and had a particularly embarrassing incident, thanks to Aidan, of course, during an OB appointment.  The photo of him almost takes my breath away, he's so small and freakin' adorable!  Check it out.

June 15, 2010

Happy Anniversary To Me

...and to the Mr, of course.  But mostly to me and here's why.

Me - Aidan, 8 years ago tomorrow, your Daddy and I got married. It's going to be our anniversary.

Aidan - *Blank stare*

Me - We had a wedding... we got married... so we could have kids... and be a family?

Aidan - *Blank stare*

Me - Ok, you don't care.

Aidan - *glances over at Daddy*

Mr - Dumb, hu?

The One With The Psycho Bachelor

Look at me, not blogging about the Bachelorette on the night it airs.  I just have a couple quick observations.

Do you remember Tenley from last season?  I think you two have something in common but I can't for the life of me think of what.  It's on the tip of my tongue... oh yeah, your voices drive me up the wall!  Stop talking.  And quit being creepy.  "Hopefully she'll hand me a rose..."  Yeah, or a restraining order, psycho.  "You guys are all diamonds are in my heart..."  Dude. I'm. crying. 

I know what happened, you only heard the "live with 15 guys for several weeks" part and not the part about a girl being involved.  It all makes sense now!  Although I would think maybe they'd frisk you guys to confirm a penis but you snuck through so...

Shut the fuck up, liar liar pants on fire!

That's all for today.

June 12, 2010

Time Marches On

This post was inspired by Trisha, who blogged about past and coming back no matter how awful they were the first time fashion trends. I think I could have an entire blog dedicated to the dumb shit I wore and did in the name of fashion and being cool.  And I had to improvise which made me all that much more pathetic.  Let's get started.

#1 Keds.  The white, canvas ones.  Leather was not a cool alternative.  I wore the Wal-Mart ones without the awesome blue logo on the back.  That is, until my friend got a new pair and I took the Keds tag off hers and glued it onto my new Wal-Mart pair.  Over and over and over.  I was nothing if not thrifty and inventive!

#2 Panda Coin Rings.  Dude, these things could make you or break you in middle school.  I didn't get one until high school.  Forever on the tail end of the cool arc.  

#3 Mall Bangs.  One thing I never had a problem with was making my hair big.  I could tease my bangs within a millimeter of their existence.  One time in my young life when I was glad I had curly hair.  Then the fucking Rachel came out and I was again relegated to "uncool".  I never watched a single episode of Friends until I was in college.

#4 Body suits. First morning of freshman year of high school and we all gathered in the gym for orientation.  The entire female population of the school, minus me, was wearing a body suit in some form.  I remember thinking, What the FUCK, why didn't I know about this!?!  So much for a new high school beginning.  Obviously I didn't watch 90210 either.

I was also guilty of pegging my jeans, my stone washed jeans at that. I wore 2 different NEON-colored slouch socks over black, stretchy stirrup pants.  It's even possible that I rocked a pair of overalls and Doc Martin boots. Summertime found me sporting cut off jean shorts, neatly rolled to hide frayed edges, with a Button Your Fly T-shirt.

Well, that's enough of that little trip down memory lane.  Thank God there wasn't cell phone cams and digital cameras all over back then.

June 11, 2010

Week In Summary

This week sucked!  On Sunday I learned that a friend from high school died. Just gone.  She was the first one from our class that we lost and damn if it wasn't a shock.  A really shitty shock.  I wasn't able to go home for the funeral and I really, really wanted to.  So yeah, poor me, right?  Then, today all this awfulness about the flash flood that killed so many in Arkansas. Several kids.  Kids who went camping with their parents and now they're dead.  Just gone.  And what's there to do about it? Nothing, that's what.  So yeah, poor me, right?

On a positive note, Nutella.  For real, ya'll, I didn't know about Nutella!  It's like a mother truckin' bit of Christmas in my damn mouth!  I bought it cuz I heard you can put it on anything and kids will eat it.  Betcha I don't find out because so far all it's made it's way onto is a spoon which then goes directly into my mouth.  Screw the kids, this is MINE!

June 10, 2010

Tonight On The Bachelorette

... Ali wears something yellow.

...Ali speaks at all times exactly like Whoopi Goldberg when she does her White Girl Voice on The View.  Look it up, you'll see I'm right on.

...Ali says "Whoever Is In Front Of Me Right Now could be the guy for me!"

...all the guys talk shit about Wrestler Justin, Ali listens to none of it.

...Little Brother I Never Wanted Weatherman Jonathan wears gross speedos. I could have lived my whole life without seeing that.

...Ali will equate completing some pansy ass daredevil stunt such as skydiving, riding in a helicopter *eyeroll* to overcoming turbulent times in life and love. GAG.

...everyone says "this journey" seven hundred times.

*eyeroll* *huge eyeroll* *multiple eyerolls* *eyeroll* *huge eyeroll* *multiple eyerolls* *eyeroll* *huge eyeroll* *multiple eyerolls* 

Not that I'm blogging about The Bachelorette...

June 7, 2010

He's Definitely Creative...

Aidan wants a Nintendo DS.  Aidan isn't getting a Nintendo DS unless someone gets generous for his birthday.  So Aidan made his own Nintendo DS. Out of paper.  "A" for creativity, kid.

June 5, 2010

Earth Is Off It's Axis

I only just now learned that the voice of Buzz Lightyear is not George Clooney!  I mean, really, how did this happen?  I've watched those movies HUNDREDS of times.  The universe is off kilter in some way.  Tim Allen is Buzz?  The whole time!?!?  Am I being Punk'd? 

Also making my universe feel off?  The stink of my children's feet.  Honestly, the aroma is inhuman and quite frankly it's disturbing. They are 5 and 2, how is it possible for their feet to reek like that?  We can't even keep their shoes in the house anymore.

Aidan has been on Summer Vacation for roughly 28 hours now.  It's going to be a long 74 days...

June 1, 2010

This Is War, MotherF***ker

You know about the inappropriate amount of rage I carry towards flies, right?  I now have a new enemy.  Birds.  This all my neighbor's fault. They saw me go over to her house, where she told me about her war with them under her deck.  Now, in retaliation, the bastards have turned their attention to me and my house.  The little sons-a-bitches are trying to build a nest under our front porch.  They suck at it because all they actually manage to do is drop mud, grass, twigs, and their weight in shit onto the top step. 

Go back underneath the neighbor's deck!