April 30, 2010

What To Do, What To Do?

I will be doing a little redesign on my blog soon. By soon, I mean like right now and by redesign, I mean completely change the layout. Something more grown up, simple, linear... Seems some people think white text on black background is an assault on the eyes - although noone has said so to me. Either way, I'm ready for a change. I've already gotten rid of several sidebar sections. How about you guys tell me what you like and don't like.

UPDATE: What about this Link Within thing - do you guys ever actually click on those post suggestions linked below my posts? 

I removed the Comment Whore stuff - do you Hookers want it back?  

Now that you see how it looks all plain and white and all - what do you think?  Note - I'm so not finished, I cannot get my header to stretch all the way across the page (speaking of the header, i don't like the ad on it but I'm image design retarded so...), nor can I remove that stubborn ass blog title at the top.  I managed to make the text white so it can't be seen but it still takes up the space.  Why won't HTML do what I tell it to do?  Day-um!

I'm thinking of doing ads again.  Maybe Blog-Her, maybe Google ads, I dunno.  You guys wouldn't deny me 86 cents a month for my finely tuned snark, would you?

April 29, 2010

Good Question

On the back of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal box are cutouts for a Mother's Day card and some Mom coupons. Aidan asked me what they were and I explained that the coupons are for him do nice things for me. He demanded more details.

Well, one is for you to bring me breakfast in bed, one is for you to do one chore of my choice, one is for you to clean your room without being asked...

What!?!? Why would anybody do THAT?!?!

I don't know son, it's a silly idea, hu?

April 26, 2010

Way Better Than Musical Monday

I'm sure this is akin to blasphemy to some people I know, I'm looking at YOU, Lisa!, but I'm way more excited to see this movie than the next Twilight. I just finished the 2nd book in the Millenium series by Stieg Larsson. The last one is coming out next month. I had no idea a movie was being made and I was almost scared to watch the trailer for fear they'd have cast Kristen Stewart and ruin the damn thing for me. Much to my delight, film Lisbeth looks just like book Lisbeth and I'm SO excited!!! For real, ya'll, read these books, you will not be disappointed!

I've been doing more research to find out when I can see this movie and apparently some asshole read my blog and write that Kristen Stewart is in the running to play Lisbeth in the American remake. #1, no FUCKING way! #2, why must we there be an American remake? something made in another country isn't good enough? I don't get it. #3, I think I found a local theater where I can see the Swedish version RIGHT NOW and I think I can live with the subtitles. I cannot control myself right now!

April 25, 2010

Dateline Makes Me Think About Stuff

While watching Dateline, a thought crosses my mind - Exactly how many true crime shows do you need to see to know that when planning to murder someone, do not, I repeat DO NOT, conduct internet searches such as "pull off the perfect murder", "how to kill someone and get away with it", and "poisons undetectable in autopsy" on YOUR OWN COMPUTER. Dumbass. You deserve to be tonight's story.

Another thought that came to me while I watched this particular episode, on this particular night, a night that the entire state was whimpering over a few thunderstorms coming through. Of course the local weather guys immediately interrupt the show to give us 'live action video of the storm' which to us at home looks like black screen. Fascinating! They "interrupt this program for breaking weather news" approximately 60 seconds after a commercial break. So for those of us who realize that most of the time people actually survive thunderstorms, we're thinking "you couldn't have interrupted the damn commercials?" Ah, yet another example of how everything would be better if I was running shit.

One last thing, if I'm murdered in some fantastic way, I wonder which snapshots of me will they show every 34 seconds during my episode? Let's hope it's not these. That would be embarrassing. On the other hand, do you think my blog stats would blow up? Hmmm.....

April 21, 2010

This Guy Probably Pokes Puppies With Sticks

Yeah, apparently dreamshades.com didn't like those posts. I got an email asking me to correct my mistake. I wrote back and said go fuck yourself I didn't make a mistake, you suck. And they wrote back and said well, it's your fault we suck but you're being mean to us, stop it! And I wrote back quit crying, you do suck, don't try to boss me, it will backfire on you. And so I wrote this blog post.

Smooches to you, Dave @ Dreamshades.com!


April 20, 2010

Am I Destined For a Lifetime of Neighbor Bullshit?

The focus of this series is Little Evil and Big Evil from next door and Major Evil, from behind us.

Little Evil and Big Evil played with Aidan and Asher fairly nicely for a few weeks. Then one day Major Evil came into the picture. Right away the little assholes started teasing Aidan, telling him to come play and when he got there they yelled at him until he left. Then they'd tell him to come ring the doorbell and they'd let him in and when he did they laughed and slammed the door. Little Evil told him he was going to die before he was 6!

I mean really? REALLY? What the sam fuck? I'd like to take them all and smack their little heads together.

Aidan says I'm mean and they're his friends and he doesn't care if they're mean to him because he wants to play. I kept letting it go but after today that shit is over.

Today the little brats came over here to "play" and immediately start demanding food and when Aidan would bring them something they'd say "Get me something I like! I want something else! Go get me something to drink!" Then, THEN, when they were done eating everything they could get until I said no more (and throwing the trash in the damn yard), they got up and left and refused to let him play with them. Oh, I almost lost my damn mind. I think I'm going to petition the POA to let us build a 8ft brick wall between our yards.

April 19, 2010

Musical Monday - Mason Jennings

This is Mason Jennings, one of my fave indie guys. This song is called Bullet from his 2002 Century Spring album. He has 5 or 6 other albums that I haven't even gotten to because I'm forever playing this one over and over. The song actually starts about 25 seconds in. It's a live performance so not great sound but whatcha gonna do?

This is Living in the Moment. Aidan can sing this word for word, he LOVES it!

This one is Sorry Signs on Cash Machines. A little slower but the lyrics are fantastic. You just don't hear this kind of stuff on mainstream radio. I hope he stays indie, don't you?

Check out the rest of his stuff here at his website.

April 13, 2010

Just a Quick Rant

Oh my GOD, ya'll! Me and Blogger are fighting again! My Dashboard keeps saying 1 Unmoderated Comment. It's a comment that was moderated 8 months ago! And I approve it, I deny it, hell I even went in and deleted the original comment and STILL it says 1 Unmoderated Comment.

Look, it's just a tiny annoyance, no big deal in the scheme of things but damn if it doesn't PISS ME OFF!

One more thing... This morning, 7:50am, doorbell rings. For once in the damn history of the universe the kids weren't already up so thanks for taking care of that. I answered the door in my bathrobe wondering what the hell must be going on in my quiet little neighborhood. I would soon find out. There's an old woman with a dog on the porch. She tells me that she was walking her dog around the cul de sac and the little dog next door got out of the neighbors fence.

Um, ok, the NEIGHBOR'S dog got out of the NEIGHBOR'S fence so, logically, you come over to MY house at 7:50am to tell ME about it. Gotcha. Well, okay, let me go outside in my bathrobe and put the NEIGHBOR'S dog back in the NEIGHBOR'S fence for you. Seriously? What the sam hell is wrong with people?

April 12, 2010

Musical Monday - Eric Hutchinson

These are just 4 of the amazing songs that are on Eric Hutchinson's album, Sounds Like This. It's fantastic music. I heart this guy SO much!

April 11, 2010

Does Anyone Else HATE To Go To Wal-Mart? Like REALLY HATE To Go?

I was assaulted at Wal-Mart. By white trash. Repeatedly.

She was on the phone the whole time even though she had an entire red-neck entourage trailing her.

....that's BULLSHIT! You don't think you gonna say you gonna buy me those tires and just change your mind! I need those fucking tires, Randy, don't know how many times.....

And mercifully she faded away. Half an hour later I meet her and she's still on the phone only now she's singing...

...♫♫Yeah, tootsie roll, let me see that tootsie roll, get up and roll, just make that tootsie♫♫...

Later when I was in line, here she comes STILL ON THE PHONE and gets in line behind me.

...gonna have a ruder waking when he gets home! Hell no! Took his Xbox, Playstation, Wii, radio, TV, and the Blu-ray player!

I try in vain to ignore her but she's just so fucking LOUD!

...No, get one, girl! I want a Chiuaua! What? Fuck that, you tell that asshole landlord that upstairs has a damn cat, why can't you have a little dog?!?! Hell, it's the same damn thing!...

Good God in a what I can only pray is a Wal-Mart-less Heaven, please don't ever let me be stuck in the same 100,000 square foot building with this woman ever again.

April 7, 2010

This Is How Sensitive I Am About My Age

Today I had lunch with Aidan at his school.

First, I must say that the blob they call "yummy spaghetti with tangy meat sauce" is actually spaghetti noodles that have been cooked approximately 36 minutes too long whipped up with Always Save tomato paste and barely cooked, bargain bin, ground head meat they pass off as hamburger. Ew!

I digress. The little girl who sat across from me played 600 Questions with me. I played along. Then she asked me how old I was and I lied through my teeth. I told her I was 29. I'm 9 days from the 2nd anniversary of my 29th birthday actually. I couldn't look her in the eye after that. I lied to a 6 year old about my age. I need help...

April 1, 2010

The Internet Amuses Me

It's been some time since I even checked my stats and even longer since I checked my search keywords. You fucking people KILL me! Like what the sam hell are you doing googling some of this shit? Yes, I realize this makes you only slightly less crazy as me and so it's probably a good thing you stumbled upon this here gem of a blog but damn if I don't almost choke reading some of these!

people that look normal but have 4 diseases - Four but not 3 or 5? Any specific diseases? WTF?

mowing over dog shit - yes, that's how you get rid of it, isn't it?

how do I cancel an account with dreamshades.com? - I'd like to note this was searched FOURTEEN times.

lost my mind and fake friend facebook status - are you looking to jack my ingenious status updates?

mamamamamamama games - I'm lost here, really.

can I write a blog on Ambien? - You COULD but I wouldn't recommend it. Aw, what the hell, you won't remember it anyway, go for it!