February 16, 2010

Thankful For The Bachelor Because I'm Low On Blog Material

Luke or Duke or Jack or whatever your name is, a few things about tonight's episode;

In regard to your street dancing with Gia and the locals, please don't dance again until you've had some instruction by a professional. Pretty please?

In regard to your "When she said that to me, it just made my heart glow" remark. Dude! You can't say shit like that. I'm pretty sure they can take your penis away over that shit. For real. Even the Mr said so.

In regard to saying "I'm falling in love with her" about ALL of them. You do realize all these women, including the woman you're going to marry - delusional much? - will eventually see all of this, don't you? Maybe you've never dated a woman before but let me assure you, you WILL regret this.

In regard to not taking CryBaby Ali back. It's possible you gained a testicle in my opinion for that. Now if you just hadn't irritated me so badly with the above mentioned incidents, you might still have it. Sorry.

Ali,
We need to recap for a sec, okay? You called Luke or Duke or Jack or whatever his name is and beg to come back hoping he'll say come back and he loves you - and of course he'll say it, right, I mean he says it to EVERY ONE OF YOU. Only he doesn't. And you keep trying and he's not responding so you pull out the big guns, the line that you've been practicing for days, "I hope you can keep going back to that night... and know how much I cared." Do you need a minute to let what you just said sink in? You dumbass! Yes, he's going back to that night. The one where you left to go back to some job that, let's be honest, wouldn't be too hard to replace. Gawd, I am so glad you are not one of my picks for my bet with Krista. Go ahead and get that bag of Bit O' Honeys in the mail, sweetie!

Gia,
You got sent home. After you "opened yourself up to him". We're all grownups here, you can go ahead and say that you put out. So you put out and he booted you anyway. Don't feel too bad, he let the other 2 "open up to him", too, and only one can win. I just hope the sheets in the Fantasy Suite were changed everyday.

Vienna,
Darlin', in the course of your date with Luke or Duke or Jack or whatever his name is, he at one point or another, wore an eyepatch, a bandana, held a sword, and asked you to walk the plank with him. You are the youngest age-wise but you're dating a child. Good luck with that. Also, you were the 3rd girl to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite with Luke or Duke or Jack or whatever his name is. I was just wondering if you found any panties strategically placed where he would have missed them but a woman would find them. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, all women do it.

Tenly,
I know you have a big girl voice in there somewhere. Can you dig real deep and start using it for me? And one more thing, you love-timid divorcee, how'd it feel to finally open up put out since your divorce? I bet it was super special because you were #2 in the line of 3 women he spent the night in that cheesy ass Fantasy Suite that week. GROSS!
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