February 2, 2010

Dear Brangelina

Dear Brangelina,

Yes, it's me. Writing an open letter to you. You, who it's possible I perhaps have, in the past, used the words homewrecker, slutbag, and tool to describe. You see, I think Jennifer Aniston is bomb diggety and it really pissed me off the way she got screwed by the two of you. Then I said to myself, "Self," I said, "Jenny - I call her Jenny in my head cuz we're that close! - was always too good for The Pitt. They did her a favor really. So yay, Brangelina!" Eventually I had to say to myself, "Self," I said, "Angie - I call you Angie in my head cuz if you can call a girl a slutbag you can certainly shorten her first name, right? - hasn't fallen back into cutting herself and wearing blood yet, maybe it's for reals?" And finally I said to myself, "Self," I said, "you're an idiot you. do. not. know. these. people. Get a life." That worked for a while but now all these rumors about you two breaking up are flying around like crazy and The Enquirer claims Jenny said she'd take The Pitt back and I'm all "Nooooooo!" And the truth is, it would be kind sad if it were true. I mean, obviously you have a bit of a Duggar syndrome so your litter of children would be pretty torn up but beyond that, I kinda think maybe, just maybe, you two are good together. So while I can't really take back the name calling because despite a growing acceptance of your relationship, you two did a bad thing and never even acted as if you did anything wrong. And from my spot on this high moral hill, you kinda suck for that.

Random Person You Don't Even Know Exists
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