February 10, 2010

ALWAYS and NEVER because you WILL

Here's a thought; Even if you have no plans to leave the comfort and safety of your vehicle during your excursion to take a kid to school, ALWAYS wear a bra and NEVER wear slippers because the universe will not pass up an opportunity to screw with you and you WILL find yourself shuffling into a gas station, arms folded over your braless boobs to get your $7 back.

You want to know the story behind this, don't you, you sick bastards? That's good because I'm dying to tell it.

Why not, really? Why not wear slippers and no bra? I'm just swinging through the drop off lane and going straight home. No one will ever know! So I took the chance. On the way home I decided the Mr's truck was filthy so I was gonna quickly run though a car wash and rack up some Best Wife Ever points.

Car Wash #1 - After I pulled in the wrong way and had to pull up and back up 16 times to get in position to reach the keypad, Temporarily Closed. Awesome.

 Car Wash #2 - Tweaks out, takes my money, keeps asking for more. The impatient jackass behind me was making faces so I wave for him to back up so I can back up and tell him it's not working. He backs up, I back up, he pulls up and into the bay of car wash that I JUST PAID FOR and gets his damn car washed.

I'm like No you fucking did not! So I pull around to the exit to wait for the asshole to give me my damn money because surely he doesn't think he's just gonna pull that kind of bullshit with me RIGHT THERE!?!?

Clearly he did because he avoided eye contact and scurried by me like the little cockroach he is. ASSHOLE!

And that's when I realized my braless, slipper wearing ass was going to have to go inside the gas station. So I did. And they told me to go around and go into another part of the store to talk to someone else because OF COURSE just going into one public place wasn't enough for the universe. 

So I went into the second place and told my tale of woe while trying to pretend I wasn't wearing slippers and no bra. I don't think I fooled anyone but they gave me new code and out I shuffled, braless boobs in hand.

13 comments:

The Red Headed Mama said...

OMG, I did almost the same thing in October! Only I wasn't wearing slippers...but I did have a hole in my PAJAMA pants, a bit too close to my lady business, no bra and a baby on my hip. KLASSY! I had to go in to the school, not the gas station.

Pretty sure the universe gets a kick out of tormenting us even more then our kids.

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Snicker...I've done that; taken kid to school in pajamas and slippers. Fortunately, the universe has not found reason to humiliate me as of yet. I'm sure it's coming.

In fact, this post serves as a public service reminder. Put your damn clothes on. Thank you.

Messy Mommy said...

Hahaha! I took my son to gymnastics the other day and ended up having to go in. I was wearing black boots with blue pajama pants with clouds on them, and no bra. As if that wasn't bad enough, my boobs started leaking! Luckily I was wearing a tshirt and a sweatshirt so there was only a little wet spot! UGH!

Jessi said...

Thanks for the reminder! Totally will always put a bra and real shoes on when I leave the house from now on! LMAO.

Sorry to laugh, but hilarious when it's not me :)

Jenni Jiggety said...

See, if you were built like a 12 year old boy like ME, the bra thing would be a non-issue...

What's this Hinky Shit? said...

I do it all the time. My attitude is, "if you don't like it, don't LOOK!"

AngieB said...

OK, this will make you feel better. One Christmas Day out of the goodness of my heart I went in to work at 4am to update the list of patients for the doctor who was going to make rounds that day (at about 8am). Since the hospital's only 10 minutes from my house I went in my jammies and slippers, just threw a coat on and snuck in the back door with my special key card. I knew it would take me less than an hour to make all the updates and it would save him a lot of time. Who shows up at 4:30? Why, another doctor in the group, who, out of the goodness of HIS heart, came in to make some rounds for the doctor on call. Where does he stare for the entirety of our ten-minute conversation? At my braless pajama-clad chest, of course. No good deed goes unpunished!

Michelle said...

Awesome! Shit like this happens to me too.

adrienzgirl said...

Damn! I drop my boys off this way every morning. I am not getting dressed to take them to school. It's like two minutes. But now that I said that something like your tale above is sure to happen to me!

Farmers Wife said...

This is awesome I love it. Because I now feel like I can share the embarassing crap that happens to me with you..

Lorie Shewbridge said...

I used to do the same thing until the universe screwed with me and the PRINCIPAL wanted to talk to me one morning! AARRGGGHHHH!!! Talk about horible, I had gotten in late the night before and still had make-up on from the previous day and hadn't even washed my face, so I had sunglasses on outside (which of course you have to take off when speaking with the principal) and a baseball cap with a ponytail to cover the unkempt pillow head.... Could it get any worse????

Ordie O. said...

Reminds me of the old woman who we admitted to ICU only to find out she was wearing her husband's Fruit of the Looms. She kept it a secret as long as she could till she had to change into a gown and then the gig was up. "I gotta tell you girls something.." she started. Funny. She said they were more comfortable. I can feel that.

Shannon said...

First of all, I can't believe the nerve of that asshole!


Second, I can totally see this happening to me.

AWESOME.