November 30, 2009

My Best Facebook Status Updates

Is it still gluttony if I throw up all 6000 calories I just ate?

I wanna know who gave my kids crack cuz wow, they are losing their minds! better my sister's house than mine :)

"I prefer to donate to animal charities. I just don't have much of a soft spot for my fellow man."



Dear Nickelodeon, How many days in a row are you going to play Dora Saves The Magic Crystal Kingdom. Knock it off or I'm gonna lose my mind. Thanks, Amanda.

I feel a 'fake-ass-facebook-friend' purge coming on.

"Mama, look-k-k, pank-a-but-t-t." WHACK! (slaps the hell outta me) "Foddy, Mama..." -Asher



Oh yes, delete me from your friend list, that'll surely show me the error of my ways. Fucking idiot.

November 26, 2009

I'm Just Going To Repost This Every Year On Thanksgiving Cuz It Never Stops Applying...

Let's talk about Black Friday.

Granted, I've never actually been in the midst of madness on Black Friday so I can't be absolutely positive but I'm pretty sure it sucks. I've never had my fingernails ripped out with pliars either but I'm not gonna volunteer to find out for certain. I'm just gonna trust my gut on this one. I don't play well with others. Specifically with the unwashed masses general public. I can't imagine it going well.

Why must this all occur at O Dark Thirty? Great idea. Let's add another element of pissy to the whole thing. If I am up at 4am, I am not happy about it. Anyone in my vicinity will be made acutely aware of this fact. Maybe it's just me but I think 2500 reluctant early birds trying to squeeze through a 4 foot opening to fight for flatscreen TV's with a 'kill or be killed' mentality has potential to end in violence. I'm just sayin'.

Parking issues alone are reason enough for me to skip it. I come mere seconds from committing a felony on a normal day at Target when some prick in a Mercedes-Benz swoops in and takes the parking spot I've been waiting patiently for. I have to fight the urge to find out if that fancy hood ornament would look quite as impressive sticking out of his or her tight ass. Bet not! It'd sure make me feel a whole lot better though.

Then, there is this insanity that apparently sweeps over the shoppers that makes them think they have ninja skills or something. If you and I are eyeballing the very last Suck My Toes Elmo and you snatch for it, I will whip your ass. Not because I want Elmo particularly but because you have challenged me for it. I'm 5ft 10 and essentially an Amazonian Princess. Odds are that you are not physically up to this fight. Now unless he actually will suck your toes, that little red bastard is not worth it.

Legend has it that the best deals of the year are on Black Friday. Oh, the sales, the incredible one-time only deals! you say. Do you mean except for the after Christmas sales, the after New Years sales, the sales that follow very single other holiday and season of the year? Puh-leeze! There are 5 year olds who have the sense to know better than that crap. As if there will be no restocking of merchandise before Christmas. Whatever extra I have to pay or time I have to wait to not be out shopping on Black Friday is totally worth it.

I know this goes against nature or some girl-code but I rarely do anything traditionally. I see no reason to start now. But hey, if you're feeling froggy... Just don't come cryin' to me when you end up with stitches from a mid-aisle brawl over the very last Baby Alive Puke 'N Crap My Pants Doll. Happy shopping!!!

November 22, 2009

November 19, 2009

Buh-Bye

Tomorrow I am driving 500+ miles to Arkansas. Just me and the boys. I hear prayer works. I'm just sayin'.

This time tomorrow night I will be half drunk, standing in line with a group of the craziest gals you've ever seen. Or heard. We will be squealing like the teenage girls we will be surrounded by, anxiously awaiting New Moon.

After tearing up Northwest Arkansas for a full 24 hours, I'll head south to spend a few days with my family and friends back home. I've got a couple posts queued up to publish while I'm gone but other than that, I will be absent here. Oh, Internet, how I will miss you....

November 13, 2009

Who Knew Firemen Delivered Pizza?

I suppose there are many ways to get noticed in a small town. You could move from Arkansas to Nebraska and your accent alone will make an impression. You could get into a dog shit war with your neighbors and as I found out yesterday, the whole neighborhood will know all about it. Or you could have the freakin' fire department come rolling up to your house - lights and sirens blaring.

Guess which one I did? Okay, all of them but the fire truck was my latest effort.

Last night we ordered pizza for dinner. About the time the pizza was due Aidan starts screaming that the firemen are here. I'm like the fire department, what the hell did you do, Aidan? I open the door to find 3 firemen standing on my porch holding a pizza box. I just kinda stood there open mouthed for a few seconds and they asked Did you order a pizza? And then pure brilliance spewed out when I very nervously said, Um, yes, was I not supposed to? *shaking head* Don't ask, I don't know why some shit comes out of my mouth, I was caught a bit off guard - not expecting the fire department to respond to a pizza delivery and all.

Turns out the fire department and this pizza place teamed up and they randomly choose a delivery order and deliver the pizza. If you have a working smoke detector in your home, the pizza is free. We had one working one and they installed another upstairs for us, plus our pizza was free. Score! The boys got to climb up in the fire truck, Aidan's head almost spun off his neck he was so excited. I'm betting our next pizza delivery is gonna be a big let down for him as he will surely be expecting the fire truck again.

November 10, 2009

Is This Asshole For Real?

I hold a semi-controversial stance on Michael Jackson - as in I think he was a pedophile, also an amazing performer, but first a pervert. The other part of my opinion is that his father is a sorry rat bastard who is hugely responsible for completely fucking his son up. I mean really, this video where he's asked how he is doing and answers "We just lost the biggest super star in the world...it's hard", I just stared at the TV open mouthed when it aired. Wow, I'm glad you just lost a superstar and not a child cuz that would have really sucked, you fucking asshole!



And now the headline is Joe Jackson Seeks Stipend From Michael's Estate (further proving he is a douche). I don't think I can say fucking asshole enough in this post to actually cover what a fucking asshole this guy is.
LOS ANGELES – Michael Jackson's father is seeking an allowance from his son's estate to help cover expenses... blah blah blah...Michael Jackson's 2002 will, however, omitted any mention of his father. The two had an often-strained relationship, and Michael Jackson said at one point that he would get physically sick — as a child and as an adult — at the sight of his father.

November 9, 2009

Where Does He Come Up With It?

Aidan, you need to finish your cereal and get dressed for school.

*Silence*

Are you listening to me?

*Silence*

Aidan! Finish eating and get dressed!

Stop talking to me, Earth Girl.

WTF?!?!

November 6, 2009

Answers Please

I'm looking into reviewing a novel and passing a few on to my readers in a giveaway. My question is would you rather have the actual, physical book to hold in your hands or an e-book to read on your computer that I know you love so much?

And yes, another review and I know I said I hate reviews but I love to read and getting to read a new book for free, well, I'm nothing if not opportunistic!

Twitter Lists

When I first saw that we could make lists on Twitter I was all Oh hell, instant blog fodder! And then everyone else had the same idea. I had it first so I'm doing it anyway.

First, my lists are private because, well, despite my telling everything I know to the internet - all 6 of you who read it - I don't want everyone knowing how I categorize them. I'm mysterious like that. Plus, people get their skivvies in a bunch over getting put on the wrong lists and I've got enough pissing and moaning to deal with from Anonymous.

I'm working on my lists though. You know, like People I Know IRL, Mom/Dad Bloggers, Tweeters that Make Me Laugh So Hard I Pee, etc... I'm building up my Skanks Who Want Me To View Their PornCam and Complain So Much I Want To Cut Their Wrists For Them lists. It's fun, creative even! I'm on a few public lists and they're all pretty generic; Mom Bloggers, Girlfriends, Bloggies, and Would Fuck.

Wait, what!?!?

Yes, I'm on a Would Fuck list. Who knew?

November 4, 2009

I Cry

You know how some people cry at commercials, the FTD Flower commercials and the like? Yeah, who else got teary at this one?



I can't listen to this song without slingin' a little snot.


This is the first movie that I ever remember making me cry and I'll never watch it again.
And then there's always the stand-by "I don't have anything to wear", "my hair looks crazy", and "why won't this fucking pimple go away already" cry inducing moments regularly. I even cry in my sleep. Not just crying but all out wailing, and sobbing. Hmmm, maybe someone needs to up her dosage of anti-depressant?

November 3, 2009

We're All Going To Die. Except Aidan...

...and he's the little bugger who brought the freaking swine flu home! The Mr is sick, home from work and pretty pissed off about it. It's like the second time he's ever missed work in the 8 1/2 years I've known him. 

Asher is sick. He's got a fever and has had one for 2 days because he refuses to take medicine. He doesn't sleep - as evident by this 2am blog post - so I don't sleep. I've got the worst sore throat I've ever had and a fever so I'm freezing and then sweating and Asher simply HAS to be ON me EVERY SECOND... So yeah, poor me, mkay?!?!

We kept Aidan home today despite him feeling all better because how can that be possible, it's H1N1, how can he only be sick one day with it? He's going in the morning cuz one well child and the 3 of us sickies stuck in the house was no bueno. Aidan can't understand why we don't all want to play. BECAUSE YOU GAVE US SWINE FLU!!!

There's really no point to this post, just a pity party. However, on the plus side, I haven't held vomit in my hands today. Why do I do that? It never stops the puke from getting everywhere and it makes me throw up, too. There's a serious flaw in that particular motherly instinct.

For the Love of a Dog

Before we got Lexi we had another dog from that rescue. Brisco, a gorgeous 6 year old German Shepherd.

He was an asshole. 

He refused to be in the same room as us and he barely tolerated Aidan. But if we disciplined Aidan, he'd try to bite us. And he hated my guts. 

Like I said, asshole. After a few weeks of his nonsense we got hooked up with a "dog behavior expert". We laughed about calling a dog whisperer. But she was no Cesar.


This woman shows up at the house and meets Brisco, we show her the issues we want her to work on and she pulls out her bag of tricks. Ace bandage, dog training clicker, and a whole bunch of dog psychology mumbo jumbo. I wish you could have seen the look on the Mr's face while this was all going on.

The highlight of the tutorial involved the ace bandage. I swear on my laptop she suggested and demonstrated that in order to make the damn dog, who was lucky to have a home, hello RESCUE DOG!, feel comfortable and accept us that we basically need to swaddle him. With a big ass ace bandage. Around his balls. Yes, surely emasculating the big bad male dog with an ace bandage would make him love us. Duh, why didn't I think of that? Brisco looked at us as if to say as soon as I get this thing off my balls, I'm going to rip your throat out

I kept my ass away from him for a while after that because I was most definitely his least favorite person in our family. You know the tension in the air when you're in a room with someone you don't like and they know you don't like them and so they don't like you and you both throw off your best you don't exist to me vibes except you both totally exist to each other in the sense that the resentment between you is dripping off your faces? Yeah, that's how Brisco and I spent our days. Good times.

But I'm a pleaser and I really wanted it to work out so I clicked that thing at that bastard all day long and gave him his weight in treats and kissed his ass in countless other ways. Then I took the last piece of the Dog Emasculator's advice and paid $65 for what was essentially a plug in air freshener that sprayed out pheromones of 2.83 year old female polar bears in heat or some shit to "calm" Brisco.


No, go ahead and laugh. The guy who took the order for that thing could barely contain his laughter.

Anyway, that asshole didn't appreciate our efforts, I think I heard him say I'm never going to love you, you suck, I'd rather live on the streets than live with you. We didn't send him into the streets but I waved goodbye happily as he left to go stick his nose up at another family. A few days later Lexi walked into our house. And she's not an asshole.

November 2, 2009

To Vaccinate Or Not To Vaccinate

I've been going over and over the latest debate, the H1N1 (or high-nie as my father calls it) vaccine and whether or not to have my boys get it. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate, that is the question moms are judged by this season. And if you're an idiot and decide to vaccinate, do you get the mist or the shot? Be clear, I'm not saying you're an idiot for getting the vaccine but apparently I am for even considering it according to some dumbass on Twitter. Obviously, I'm crushed... fucking douche.

If you've read this blog very long at all you know a few things. First, Aidan has the potential to make anything difficult and in doing so making me crazy. Second, I go to great lengths to avoid those situations unless I'm way low on blog fodder. Third, those lengths I speak of are sometimes, how shall I say this, borderline unethical - although some of you secretly wish you had the balls to do it. And fourth, unless you have taken over responsibility as Aidan's mom for a minimum of a week and therefore have the ever so slightest clue what you are talking about, I don't give a shit what you think about it. And I'm totally talking to you, Anonymous, you judgemental bitch.

Aidan is probably not going to get vaccinated. Not for H1N1 or the seasonal flu. This day is still vivid in my memory a year and a half later and there was a similar scene when he was tested for TB before starting school this year. I'm still not sure those traumas were worth it. The school is providing the H1N1 shot free and I signed the form saying Aidan could be vaccinated. I also attached a note that said Good Luck. Look, I want him vaccinated I simply don't have the resolve to physically go through getting him vaccinated. And the way I look at it, if he gets sick, well, he's quiet and sweet and still and calm when he's sick and how can 3 days of that be all bad?


*Disclaimer: Do not assume I am callous and awful and that I don't know that so many children have died from H1N1 this year. I'm not making light of that at all. I know that loss, there's nothing light about it.

PS Mere hours after I wrote this post Aidan was confirmed to have H1N1. Karma is swift with me. Awesome.

November 1, 2009

I Don't Want To Hear It

I don't want to hear about "prairie doggin'" or really anything that has to do with poop. Or farts. This really applies to adults. And one of my nephews. And Aidan's farts. Kid poop in general doesn't bother me but if I smell an adult's poop or fart, I am pissed off about it. If you tell me to breathe through my mouth I am likely to slap you because breathing through my mouth just means that nastiness is in my mouth instead of just in my nostrils. 

Seriously, think about it, you smell it because very very small particles of it are in the air. If they are in the air, it stands to reason they are also in your mouth or nose. Gross. The idea of a grown person (I can't even write about it) letting shit come part of the way out of their butt and sucking it back in *shudder* makes me vomit in my mouth a little. No, a lot.  If you have done this, please for the love of God, don't talk to me about it. Some things should be left unsaid and you can't unring a bell.

I don't want to hear the C word. You now which one I'm talking about. Now I'll be the first to admit I've used it. Twice. Both times to a man. For future reference, men don't like to be called that. Yet another reason I can never run for public office. The number one reason, this blog. The Mr would also like me to add that I have also ruined any future he might have had in politics. You're welcome, honey.

I don't want to hear "getting scraped" in reference to either getting a pap smear or an abortion. Even more so in reference to abortion. Must you be so crass? I realize this is the epitome of the pot calling the kettle black but this is my blog so I can both be crass and bristle at crass-ness. Without getting into my feelings on abortion, can I just say eeewww! Am I the only one who wrinkles my nose at that phrase?

So in conclusion; no mention of prairie doggin, the C word, or getting scraped. Some things should be left to white trash to discuss.