May 31, 2009

Quotable Sunday

"Raising kids is part joy, part guerilla warfare."
~Ed Asner

Go check out A Daily Dose of Toni for a full list of Quotable Sunday participants.

May 30, 2009

I'm Too Pissed To Come Up With A Decent Title

Jackass Neighbor should be expecting a package from PoopSenders.com. That infantile, homo-repressed mama's boy next door just dumped a bunch of dog shit in our front lawn. Again, not our dog's poop. Well, some had potential to be hers but some of it was definitely not.

So yeah, we just spent three thousand dollars on a fence on top of an obscene amount on work on the inside of the house and I'm really thinking we back out on the agreement to buy this house. I'm done.

May 29, 2009

Blog Fart Friday


Blog Farts – noun. Def: Crappy ideas that are too short to make a real blog post, but when combined, join forces to make one unified, albeit half assed, post. see also: memes, surveys.

We may or may not have flung two dead birds from our yard into Jackass Neighbor's landscaping. And I may or may not snicker every time I think about it.

We spent Memorial Day evening at a BBQ with a family in our new neighborhood. It went well, we had a great time, and we walked home hoping we'd made some friends. Then we got home and as I undressed Aidan for his bath I realized in horror that he didn't have his underwear on anymore. He proceeded to explain that he left them at their house when he went downstairs to go poop. And there lies our hopes of them being our BFF's - wadded up on their bathroom floor.

I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking but I've signed Aidan up for Adventure Club Mon thru Thurs mornings and swim lessons Mon thru Thurs evenings at the YMCA for June and July. I'm betting that I have to wake them up several times within the next two months knowing that all the time when we've had nothing planned they wake up at the butt crack of dawn.

Translate this little diddy from Aidan if you can - Gimme that que-monica!

Also via Aidan, If someone tries to give me a shot, I'm just gonna frick out.

It's quite possible that I might have met a couple gals that I could say 'fuck' in front of. It's not a sure thing so I'll hold off a while longer.

Aidan freaks. the. fuck. out. if someone cleans up his playroom, bedroom, his side of the backseat, place at the table, etc... so I've convinced him that there is a gnome, troll, fairy, or some other mythical creature who cleans. It's positively brilliant if I do say so myself.

May 28, 2009

It Was Bound To Come To This

But everybody else is doing it!

Yes, if everyone else jumped off a bridge, I would do it too.

In this case it's blogging about Jon & Kate Plus 8. Before the recent broughaha, I watched maybe a total of 7 minutes of this show. I mean, damn, 6 babies? I'm into some questionable stuff but watching that kind of torture isn't a fetish of mine. Of course I've heard that Kate is an eviscerating tyrant and the babies are adorable and Jon is essentially an abused spouse. Then, all my favorite blogs got hijacked by Kate-Hate and I'll admit I caved to the pressure. In the last few days I've devoured all that is JK8 and I've come to my own conclusions.

None of you should be surprised to find out that I'm leaning a different way than most of you.

First of all, she has 8 kids. Eight! I've got 2 and I'm about to climb a tower with a rifle some days. The mere fact that she isn't rocking in a corner somewhere speaks volumes for me.

People are all kinds of pissed off at Kate and there is no mercy to be found. People are pissed because her looks have changed and she's "vain". Yeah, she looks different than at the beginning. Do you think for one second if someone, anyone, offered to pay for cosmetic procedures for me that I would even consider saying no? And anyway, how is she different than any other celebrity when they get super-famous? Take a peek at Jennifer Aniston before and after Friends.


People are pissed that she quit her local gym to use a personal trainer at home and because she has help with the kids and housework. Who in their right mind would opt to sweat like a pig with the masses over getting private personal training at home? Not I, said the pig.

People are pissed because they get so much free stuff and because she takes a bodyguard with her most places. So you're telling me that you would reject free Gymboree clothes for your kids? Whatev. And if I read about myself the things written about her, I'd feel the need for a little added security, too.

People are pissed because they live in a huge house and take lavish vacations. Guess what? They are rich now. Very few people who come into money keep the same standard of living as before. I assure you I would be jetting off to far-away places and living in a mansion if I had that kind of money. And so would the majority of you.

People are pissed because she is gone a lot for work and because she doesn't treat her husband right. I'm way irritated over these issues. If the roles were reversed and he was gone all the time it wouldn't be an issue at all. He'd get the atta-boys for working hard and providing for his family. It's bullshit. And as far as the way she treats him? You know what? Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself or pack your shit and go. I am definately not on the Poor Jon bandwagon.

That season premier was sad. All in all, you and I don't know a damn thing. We know what The Enquirer tells us, we know what the editors of JK8 choose to show us, and based on that, we think we know what is going on. We don't. Talk about judging other mothers and tearing other mothers down...

May 24, 2009

Kinda Like That Dream Where You're Naked...

I'm a little nervous. All my friends back home knew about my blog and they were my first fans. Not that I have millions of fans now - I have 101. No, 102. Nope, now 99. Ok, back to 101. You people are finicky bastards!

Anywhooo, they knew about my blog and also knew anything they did or said was fair game for blog fodder. They also knew of my deep deep love for the word fuck. But here? Not so much. Well, not so many friends first of all but the one friend I have made hasn't been properly "jumped in" as far as those aspects of me.

By the way, ya'll, she's the one who came bearing cookies a couple of weeks ago and you guys were wrooooong, she looks that cute and put together all the time. I try not to hold that against her. It's tough.

So I'm nervous because I'm not sure how she'd take the blog. I'm also not sure how she'll take being in the blog. I imagine it would piss some people off. I mean, I'm not posting her full name, address, and pictures of her kids here. Yet. But still. She's gonna find out about it eventually. Especially if I friend her on Facebook. See, she mentioned being on there and fear grabbed my heart. I'm about to be busted out in a big, bad way.

Now I don't know why I'm asking you, you guys told me she would be covered in peanut butter and wearing no make-up the next time I saw her. But should I give up and let it all hang out or wait and spin my web a bit more?

What Happened To My Sleep-in Sundays?

My children hate me and refuse to sleep past 7:30am. On Weekends, their internal alarm clocks somehow get set for 7:15am. And they don't shut up when you wildly slap at them like the Seiko alarm clock next to the bed. That's a cryin' shame.

Sunday is my day to sleep in. I used to take full advantage, too. If my husband or God forbid, a child, dared try to wake me up before noon I would only growl, roll over, and telepathically send out the message get the fuck outta here and let me sleep!

And then we moved. I don't know what happened to our schedules but the kids rarely go to bed before 9pm and naptime is all over the place or not at all. I think I slept until 10:30am on Mother's Day but that's the extent of my "you-don't-exist-to-me-til-noon-at-minimum" Sundays.

Which brings me to right now. 9:02am on Sunday. The One Who Hates Sleep #2 woke up at an obscenely early hour and since I wielded my whip and made Mr work on the fence all. day. long. yesterday, I grabbed my laptop and possibly a chocolate bar and here I sit blogging instead of sleeping - like a damn idiot.

May 22, 2009

Why Haven't They Cured This Yet?

Last night I was violently jerked back to 1992. I am 13 years old and in a panic because my face is covered in the most horrendous explosion of stress pimples known to man. Except I'm not 13 and it's not 1992. I am a 30 year old grown ass woman frantically scouring the skin care isle for magic zit zapper at 10pm. As Aidan would say, This can't be happening! (it's his new favorite expression. he might be a drama major, we don't know yet)

So really, what the hell is happening? With the exception of those awful teenage years, my first 2 pregnancies, and last October, my skin has been pretty clear. Now, all of a sudden I'm going through multiple tubes of blemish concealer a week and refusing to leave the house. My bathroom counter looks like the before image on the latest miracle pimple cream infomercial - you know, where they say Does your bathroom look like this? Throw away the hundreds of useless products and try ours!

This is seriously interfering with my plan to always look put together in our new town.

May 21, 2009

Facebook Is Psychic

If there is any random thing you'd like to know about yourself, Facebook has an app that can tell you. For instance...

Have you ever wondered who you might have been in a past life? It seems that I was a physician. *eyeroll* Why the hell wasn't I one in this life? It would have made for a somewhat higher paying salary than parole officer .

If I were a shoe I would be a Christian Louboutins because I am sexy and slinky with an edge. There is an aire of mystery about you as you prowl. People around reconize you immediately, but don't much about you, and that's the way you like it; to keep them guessing! Oh give me a break! I was thinking more along the lines of a flip flop.

My personal deadly sin is Anger. I'm sorry but anybody who's stood behind me in line at the post office could have told you that!

My personality type is Melancholy. It claims that I am a quiet sort of person who is sometimes very moody. You tend to be very perfectionistic which will cause you to always get things done right but will also stress you out. You sometimes have a hard time getting to know or getting along with people but are very faithful, sweet, and kind once others get to know you. I prefer to think of it as "not overly bubbly", melancholy just sounds so...melancholy.

My political affiliation is the Green Party. Well, better that than Republican. I don't think my Grandma's heart could take it. But have you seen the Green Party candidates? I mean, damn, would it kill 'em to at least dress like they want to actually win an election?

And according to Facebook, I should be a Quaker. A Quaker! Are you freakin' kidding me? Good God!

My True Age is 33. Go screw!

The True Color of My Heart is Pink, I am Jessie Spano from Saved By The Bell, I should marry Joe from New Kids On The Block, and my Evil Style is Fidel Castro.

Yeah, I don't know why my laundry stays in the dryer for 3 days minimum.

May 20, 2009

Bloggin' and Bitchin'

This is my Wordless Wednesday rebellion post. It's gonna be more of a Whiney Wednesday here at Martians.

My first complaint... My Google Reader. It's trying to take over my life. I read and read and read and read and still there are 326 blog posts left to read. I start out to thin them out and delete some but who? I fall in love with every damn blog I find. It's maddening. Plus I would get all ass-hurt to find out someone deleted me from theirs (should that have an apostrophe?). Is there a way to keep track of how many people read you in a reader? Nevermind, that is information I do not need to access to.

Next, I've got to tell you that if you used to write witty rants about your kids or your husband or your job and now you do 16 giveaways, 8 product reviews, and 1 paragraph about your son spraying diarrhea on your husband a week, it's safe to say I probably deleted you from my reader and now I just check in occassionally. I know some of you make money from your blogs and I'm totally jealous of you for that but there comes a point where a blog becomes a big internet commercial and that's when I hit delete. It's kind of the equivalent of a hissy fit in the blog world.

Also, Technorati is pissing me off. It's been weeks and I've sent several emails and still I can't claim my blog. I can't favorite anyone. I can't even make the damn button take you to my profile page there. I'm told if you wanna be anyone in the bloggy world, you must be set up with Technorati. Looks like I'm gonna be a big nobody.

I finally got a couple subscribe buttons. Now you can get your fix in a reader of your choice or directly in your email inbox. Having said that, can you all please do the same? Cuz I'm all kinds of lazy and it sure would be nice to just enter my email address and stalk you that way. K, thanks.

And lastly, I found two new awesome blogs that you've got to check out.

I can't even comment about why all of that above is a link instead of just the names of the blogs.

May 18, 2009

Where's The City Ordinance Against Being A Prick?

I was gonna stop blogging about them, the Jackass Neighbors. You know, I was trying the whole "I'm gonna rise above, they don't exist to me anymore, blah blah blah". But then I realized, um, fuck that! Those assholes are permanent blog fodder and the only thing that could one up all the comments agreeing that they are in fact douchebags would be for them to stumble upon this here blog and read it all for themselves. This is all I want for Christmas, Santa Claus, and I've been a very good girl this year.

This weekend Mr started the much needed barrier from the yard of the Devil fence. Jackass Neighbor's sprinklers come on every morning at 9am. Never in the afternoon or evening. Except for this particular Saturday afternoon when they come on when he is out there working right next to them. His bags of quickcrete are laying on the ground getting soaked, he's getting soaked, water is filling the holes for the posts... What? Are you 9 fucking years old?

Remember when I told you about meeting Zelda and her stealing my heart by calling them assholes? I didn't mention that she kinda ranted a little about Jackass Neighbor's van parked on the street. She talked about speaking with JN about it but said that since they are being such assholes, she might just call the police and let them handle it. Yes, I prayed the police would get called after the Puppy Police Incident.

Today I see a big orange sticker on the windshield of JN's van. I was positively giddy! And almost immediately I thought to myself, we are so gonna get blamed for that. I just happened to be outside when Mrs Jackass came home and I saw the look on her face when she pulled into her driveway and she. was. pissed. So she jumps out of the car and stomps down the driveway to the van. She moves it across the street and stomps back up the driveway and yells in my direction but not at me directly, you know, so as not to create a true confrontation something about the van not being parked in front of my house so I shouldn't be worried about it.

Now I. am. pissed. I mean, is this bitch for real?

May 17, 2009

It Never Crossed My Mind

I had been complaining that our lawn service didn't kill all the dandelions in the yard. I called them back and the blasted things finally started wilting.

Yesterday I told my husband I'm glad the dandelions are dying but now it's like they've all been replaced by these damn white puffy flowers. He looked at me like I was insane and then he told me the ugly truth.

Later when Aidan was asking me what animal made some crazy noise he was making I made my guess and the Mr said Oh, ok, Dandelion expert...

He hasn't been seen since.

UPDATE: That man I married just read this post and the first 3 comments. I'm totally doing quote-y fingers here. He said Oh my God, you're all stupid!

May 14, 2009

One More For Our Team

I met another neighbor today. I'll call her Legend of Zelda.

I chose that pseudoname not based any specific resemblance of her to the actual Legend of Zelda because quite frankly, I don't even know what the Legend of Zelda really is.

Anyway she and her husband live next door to Jackass Neighbor in this big, beautiful Victorian house that we call the Bed & Breakfast house. They're your typical older couple - cute and sweet and small. They always wave and smile, unlike Jackass Neighbor even before the big showdown. We liked them before we met them but now I think Legend of Zelda might be a candidate for my new BFF.

She told me this morning that Jackass Neighbor was, and I quote, ...an asshole. He used to be normal but something happened and he's just a mean pain in the ass now. I love it when little old ladies swear!

By the way, I just googled Legend of Zelda and I know why I didn't even know what it was. I'm not positive I know what it is even now.

May 13, 2009

Video Wednesday And Stuff

This is what Aidan did while I painted the entryway and Daddy did yard work this past Saturday. It was a huge, huge mess. Way worse than the last time I lost my damn mind. The Mr couldn't even look at it, I think he walked all the way around the other side of the house to avoid seeing it. That's what happens when two OCD people spawn an OCD child of a whole other order. We freak the fuck out when mud is being splashed all over the yard, Aidan freaks the fuck out when you change his light bulb. I fail to see an outcome to raising him where someone doesn't end up in an institution.

video

May 12, 2009

Nice To Meet You! I Don't Always Look Like This, I Swear.

Surely I'm not the only stay at home mom who is shuffling around the house sans make-up or concealer in yoga pants and a ratty t-shirt sporting 3 day old greasy hair at 10am, right? Apparently, I'm in the minority. This morning at 10am I got my first visit from a mom in the neighborhood. And damned if she isn't cute and perky - hair all brushed, make-up on, and miraculously had zero peanut butter on her shirt.

Doesn't that go against the laws of parenthood or something?

I should have just taken the cookies and said thanks, we'll get together soon because the house was. a. wreck. and I'm pretty sure there was a bad smell but I'm not positive because you know how you can't smell your own house? Anyway, I was blinded by the joyous anticipation of adult conversation so I ushered them right in. Oh well, she might as well be exposed to the ugly truth right up front. She didn't curl up her lips in disgust or whip out any hand sanitizer and we exchanged phone numbers so that's a good sign.

You don't think it was a fake number do you? I should try it.

Either way, she was nice and normal and that could mean that I might actually find people to be friends with here. Maybe we will get together again soon.

May 9, 2009

Be Good To Mama

So many of you write sticky sweet, heartfelt posts for Mother's Day that I thought I should do the same. My style.

I think 4 things should happen for every mother on Mother's Day weekend.
Saturday night
  • kids go to bed early
  • get laid
Sunday morning
  • sleep in (real sleeping in, no 9am bullshit)
  • breakfast in bed
Except of course for my mother, because wishing sex for her would just be weird.


Happy Mother's Day!

May 8, 2009

Jackass Neighbor Strikes Again

Did I tell you those pansies called Animal Control and told on us? They did. We were cited (just a warning) for not picking up the dog poop. Even though we did pick up the poop when we were asked to. But a flag as my orders? I don't fucking think so. The officer thought the whole flag thing was insane. She said verbal requests are all you are required respond to and next time he/JN calls about this situation he will be told that Animal Control will not respond unless you are willing to swear in a court of law that you actually saw their dog make that specific pile. We do not respond to domestic tiffs.

She's my new BFF.

THEN! that very evening those petty mother fuckers put up 3 more flags and said nothing. This is after they mowed - though still not around the original flag - so no way could it possibly be hers. I walked over when I knew they were gone and that poop looked like some ankle-biter poop. Lexi's poop is bigger than the dog who made that poop. Rat bastards!

So I bet they think they won cuz they were bad ass enough to sic the puppy police on us. Oops, backfire. Sorry for ya.

As suggested by many of you, I wanted to start flying my own flag in the yard. One bearing my favorite finger or some verbage questioning the size of JN's manhood. Mr nixed that idea, something about being a public official and needing to act as such or some similar nonsense. Whatev. Except that specific position is actually our weapon. Well, he can't use his position to screw them directly, but he makes the recommendations to those who can.

The news just gets better! Now it looks like my husband will be in the position to fuck the Jackass Neighbors twelve ways to Sunday by proxy. He just attended a meeting with the male JN. There was no allusion to the Good vs Evil showdown we are in the midst of but I like to think he walked out of there thinking "why didn't I just pick the shit up! I'm so fucked.".

I'd Like To Take This Time To Bitch About The Internet

I can't take it anymore. The registering and signing up and signing in and verifiying. You sign in to Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Blogger, Wordpress, Technorati, Mom Bloggers, Snapfish, Photobucket, Realtor.com, 1-800-PetMeds, Webkinz, Amazon, Goodreads, and StatCounter. Every blogging network, bank, insurance carrier, cell phone company, porn site, cable provider, magazine, and department store makes you create an account. Having a baby? Graduating? Moving? More registering. About to stab your neighbor in the ear with a dull pencil? Sign up first!

Then the email addresses. Don't act like you don't have an email address that you use for singles clubs, porn sites, and Publishers Clearing House. Those of you who get to talk to grown ups all day probably have a work email. I've got one for the crap I never plan on signing into again, the one that my blog stuff goes to, and then my actual email. Up until recently I still had my college email address and I'm pretty sure I've even got an email with my cable/internet provider but damned if I know how to get into that one. So now you've got 600 different email addresses and God help you if you forget login info for GetOffTheInternetAnd GetALife.com cuz you will not be able to remember which email address you registered with them.


Also, I'd like to kill the mother fucker who created CAPTCHAs. CAPTCHA this, bitch


May 6, 2009

What A Difference A Few States Makes

I've noted some major differences between Arkansas and Nebraska. They're subtle for the most part (kinda like a clown's nose is subtle) and harmless, save for Jackass Neighbor.


Store clerks look at me like I'm green when I say, "Have a nice day". They stutter and stammer around and almost never get out anything intelligible.


If you try to let someone cut in line on the road at a turn or something, they don't know what to do. Occassionally they manage a shaky wave of thanks but more often they just look around like the sky is gonna fall in on them.


My sense of humor does not translate here. I get lots of blank stares and frequently stand in awkward silence. Everyone is so damn serious all the time!


They say "yeah" weird. It's more like "yaaaa". Not quite Northern Minnesota "yaaa" but definately not a southern (read normal) "yeah".


Everything is covered with Huskers red. I mean everything. Their clothes, mailboxes, garages, vehicles, and on and on and on. Hog Fever pales in camparison. And as Krissi once said, what the hell is a Cornhusker anyway?


Apparently there is a season for sweet tea here. I don't know when that season is but we're not in it right now. Go ahead, ask for sweet tea in a restaurant, they will scoff at you.


It takes $28 and half an hour to get your vehicle licensed in Arkansas. The State of Nebraska takes your first born child and six thousand dollars. Fun times!


Now that's not to say it's awful here. Except for that prick next door, noone has been rude or mean. It's finally spring here and it really is beautiful. And... nope, that's all I got.

May 5, 2009

Neighbor Saga Continued

This afternoon, Jackass Neighbor (as I will refer to him from now on) mowed his backyard. We were all outside. We were measuring for a fence because if this isn't a case for 'good fences make good neighbors', I don't know what is. At some point a flag popped up in their yard.

Now let me say that Lexi was not outside alone at all today. I personally had a front row seat to and witnessed all of her poops. It was lovely. A great way to bond with your dog, I recommend it highly. 

Anyway, the pile he flagged was not a new one. We just looked at eachother when we saw it but Jackass Neighbor never came over, he just kept on mowing. Now I don't know if he thinks we've got a secret flag code that we all understand now but no damn way was I just gonna hop over there because he threw a flag. I've got a flag to throw on that, asshole, and it's called the bullshit flag. You took the time to flag the shit yesterday, if you missed some, tough shit - damn this post is full of puns! - you're gonna have to suck that one up!

So Jackass Neighbor finishes mowing and oh yes, that mother fucker mowed all but that square around the flag! I am in awe. Apparently I am in the presence of pure pettiness. Is it me or is doing that just costing him more time and effort because he put the mower up and now he's gonna have to get it back out later when the shit is picked up. And you can bet your sweet ass that I will not be the one picking it up. I'm anxiously waiting his next visit.

They Flagged The Poop, Yes They Did

It's official, our neighbors are pricks. My first conversation with the woman was pleasant enough but it was obvious we weren't gonna be BFFs. Then last week she marched over and just short of chewed my husband's ass because Lexi pooped in her yard. He apologized and cleaned it up but was left without the warm fuzzies for her. They don't wave, speak, or even bother to look our direction. And then yesterday evening the man flagged our dog's poop in their yard. Actual little orange flags. 2 of them.

Look, I'm not insensitive to the situation. I know it's annoying, I try to watch her but when it's a choice between keeping her out of your yard and keeping Asher out of the street - to hell with your yard, mkay? Also, it's dog poop. Pick it up, or better yet mow the shit over like we do, and move on with your life. And you have dogs so it's not like your pristine yard has never been exposed to dog poop. Either way, do not come over to my house and address me like I'm a 6 year old and say to me in your best 'is your daddy home, little girl?' tone "I wanted to talk to your husband...". That pissed me off enough for me to actually say I'm a grown woman, I'm fully capable of having a confrontation with a neighbor. You don't need to speak to my husband. And that was the only good jab I got in. The rest came to me as I was stewing afterwards. Isn't that the way it always goes?

When he said I don't want to be a bad neighbor I just shrugged but I should have said Oh you're not a bad neighbor, you're just an asshole.

When he said You need to leash it from now on what I said was It? I will put her on a leash but I should have said Someone should leash you or at the very least muzzle you.

When he said I'm gonna mow my front lawn first and give you a chance to pick it up what I said was Well, as soon as I get done taping this room off, I'll get right out there but I should have said Oh, maybe you could set a timer for me! And then if I don't get it done in time you can flag me!

And when he said I don't want to have to do this again I should have said is OH, FUCK YOU!

May 4, 2009

It'll Only Take A Second... or 120

I was supposed to tell you all this last week when my site went all wonky. Sara fixed my stuff all up so you can thoroughly enjoy me as usual but the code for my button went thru some changes. So all of you who have my button on your sidebar or blogroll - which is all of you, right? - need to grab the new code and get rid of that pain in the ass box with the red X. No really, you all have it, don'tcha? Cuz if you don't, you should. And by 'should' I mean you better because my self-worth is directly linked to the popularity of my blog and you don't want to be responsible for screwing with that.

By the way, I knew the "but you don't have my button" comments were coming. I really do try to add the button everyone who leaves a comment here but I miss some. Kinda busy being SuperMom, mkay? Well, busy doing something, gimme a break. If I missed you, tell me about it. I'm no mind reader!

May 2, 2009

With Friends Like This...

We've all got that friend. The one who doesn't give a rat's ass about your hang ups or sensitivities and has no intention of allowing you to wallow in your own bullshit. That friend for me is Lisa.

This is a little excerpt of a text conversation between Lisa and I last night. I was complaining about not knowing anyone here yet and in typical Lisa fashion, there was no sympathy - only sharp, quick wit.

Lisa - U will find friends fast. Hopefully you can get to know them before the boys scare them off. Hehe... Any prospects in the neighborhood?

Me - ... I haven't met anyone.

Lisa - I bet that pisses you off. Where are the trays of cookies and shit from the nieghbors? Should have stayed with us mean bitches.

Me - There's bound to be a mean bitch around here somewhere.

Lisa - No such luck, you're in Stepford.

I warned her that I was gonna blog about this and she said fine but not to tell you guys that she recommended The Black Dagger Brotherhood books because I guess they have some juicy sex in them. Lisa may have an R rated mouth and temper but when it comes to discussing sex, she's strictly a G rated girl. She claims to not have even opened the "toy" Lenka and I got her for her birthday last year. If you can believe that...