November 26, 2009

I'm Just Going To Repost This Every Year On Thanksgiving Cuz It Never Stops Applying...

Let's talk about Black Friday.

Granted, I've never actually been in the midst of madness on Black Friday so I can't be absolutely positive but I'm pretty sure it sucks. I've never had my fingernails ripped out with pliars either but I'm not gonna volunteer to find out for certain. I'm just gonna trust my gut on this one. I don't play well with others. Specifically with the unwashed masses general public. I can't imagine it going well.

Why must this all occur at O Dark Thirty? Great idea. Let's add another element of pissy to the whole thing. If I am up at 4am, I am not happy about it. Anyone in my vicinity will be made acutely aware of this fact. Maybe it's just me but I think 2500 reluctant early birds trying to squeeze through a 4 foot opening to fight for flatscreen TV's with a 'kill or be killed' mentality has potential to end in violence. I'm just sayin'.

Parking issues alone are reason enough for me to skip it. I come mere seconds from committing a felony on a normal day at Target when some prick in a Mercedes-Benz swoops in and takes the parking spot I've been waiting patiently for. I have to fight the urge to find out if that fancy hood ornament would look quite as impressive sticking out of his or her tight ass. Bet not! It'd sure make me feel a whole lot better though.

Then, there is this insanity that apparently sweeps over the shoppers that makes them think they have ninja skills or something. If you and I are eyeballing the very last Suck My Toes Elmo and you snatch for it, I will whip your ass. Not because I want Elmo particularly but because you have challenged me for it. I'm 5ft 10 and essentially an Amazonian Princess. Odds are that you are not physically up to this fight. Now unless he actually will suck your toes, that little red bastard is not worth it.

Legend has it that the best deals of the year are on Black Friday. Oh, the sales, the incredible one-time only deals! you say. Do you mean except for the after Christmas sales, the after New Years sales, the sales that follow very single other holiday and season of the year? Puh-leeze! There are 5 year olds who have the sense to know better than that crap. As if there will be no restocking of merchandise before Christmas. Whatever extra I have to pay or time I have to wait to not be out shopping on Black Friday is totally worth it.

I know this goes against nature or some girl-code but I rarely do anything traditionally. I see no reason to start now. But hey, if you're feeling froggy... Just don't come cryin' to me when you end up with stitches from a mid-aisle brawl over the very last Baby Alive Puke 'N Crap My Pants Doll. Happy shopping!!!


Anonymous said...

Go tall girl!! (I'm 5'11) LOL I've been out there in it previous years and thankfully it's never been life or death for the items I wanted. Opting to stay in bed this year!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Ordie O. said...

A ray of sanity just when I was actually thinking of, for the first time in my life, getting up at 4am and going to Walmart to buy an HP laptop (that I don't even need) and maybe some other stuff. I think I may have been hypnotized tonight while browsing through the ads in the Arkansas Democrat Gazette. Anyway, all better now, thanks to you, Sissy. Keep up the good work.

Michelle said...

I'll admit I have done it before but it wasn't really worth it. Today I slept in until 9am and still am in my jammies. A much better way to spend my black friday! Might go see New Moon later. Hopefully the craziness will have passed by then.

Carma Sez said...

Ditto all of the above. I've never been out on Black Friday. Never intend to.

Kritta22 said...

I went once when I was prego with Connor. Some lady ran over the back of my heels! I had a bruise for weeks!!

Lorie Shewbridge said...

Totally agree with you Amazon Girl!
With my Social Anxiety Disorder, shopping at a mall on a normal day is hard enough. To go on the busiest shopping day of the year would be insane (literally) for me!
I did shop a little online, where I do most of my shopping anyway.
Have a great weekend.

Matilda Coven said...

I go out every year, but it's NOT to get the latest and greatest fad, the MUST HAVE item, the deal of the year or even to SHOP. No, the reason I go out every year is to watch these people lose their ever loving minds! It's much better than anything you've ever seen on tv or in the movies!

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

I'm with you. I would willingly pay the extra few dollars and avoid the unbalanced masses fighting over the last "must have" item. I will never to Black Friday. I value my life too much.

And I really don't like being that close to people. They frighten me.

So does Elmo.