November 3, 2009

For the Love of a Dog

Before we got Lexi we had another dog from that rescue. Brisco, a gorgeous 6 year old German Shepherd.

He was an asshole. 

He refused to be in the same room as us and he barely tolerated Aidan. But if we disciplined Aidan, he'd try to bite us. And he hated my guts. 

Like I said, asshole. After a few weeks of his nonsense we got hooked up with a "dog behavior expert". We laughed about calling a dog whisperer. But she was no Cesar.

This woman shows up at the house and meets Brisco, we show her the issues we want her to work on and she pulls out her bag of tricks. Ace bandage, dog training clicker, and a whole bunch of dog psychology mumbo jumbo. I wish you could have seen the look on the Mr's face while this was all going on.

The highlight of the tutorial involved the ace bandage. I swear on my laptop she suggested and demonstrated that in order to make the damn dog, who was lucky to have a home, hello RESCUE DOG!, feel comfortable and accept us that we basically need to swaddle him. With a big ass ace bandage. Around his balls. Yes, surely emasculating the big bad male dog with an ace bandage would make him love us. Duh, why didn't I think of that? Brisco looked at us as if to say as soon as I get this thing off my balls, I'm going to rip your throat out

I kept my ass away from him for a while after that because I was most definitely his least favorite person in our family. You know the tension in the air when you're in a room with someone you don't like and they know you don't like them and so they don't like you and you both throw off your best you don't exist to me vibes except you both totally exist to each other in the sense that the resentment between you is dripping off your faces? Yeah, that's how Brisco and I spent our days. Good times.

But I'm a pleaser and I really wanted it to work out so I clicked that thing at that bastard all day long and gave him his weight in treats and kissed his ass in countless other ways. Then I took the last piece of the Dog Emasculator's advice and paid $65 for what was essentially a plug in air freshener that sprayed out pheromones of 2.83 year old female polar bears in heat or some shit to "calm" Brisco.

No, go ahead and laugh. The guy who took the order for that thing could barely contain his laughter.

Anyway, that asshole didn't appreciate our efforts, I think I heard him say I'm never going to love you, you suck, I'd rather live on the streets than live with you. We didn't send him into the streets but I waved goodbye happily as he left to go stick his nose up at another family. A few days later Lexi walked into our house. And she's not an asshole.
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