September 17, 2009

The Dog's Turn

I don't think I've let my dog have it on the blog. She's part of the family, why should she get left out? I'm an equal opportunity bitcher. Is bitcher a word cuz I'm getting a red line under it. Whatev - my blog, my words.

I think Lexi has restless leg syndrome. It goes beyond the "running in their sleep" thing that all dogs do. She'll just be laying there - you know, awaiting Asher's next blow - and her hind leg will just jerk around for a few seconds. She looks down at it as if to say What the sam hell is that!?!? And I'm all Don't ask me, you were a rescue dog, you could have Tourette's for all we know! And by the way, could you please stop crapping right at the end of the kid's slide? That'd be great!

Another deficit to her dog-ness is the sense of security that she fails to provide me. First you should know that I'm paranoid. When I'm at home during the day every door is locked, even the one to the garage. And I go for the loaded gun from the safe often when I hear something. I don't take comfort in the low crime rate here. I've seen Dateline, it usually starts with "It was the kind of place where no-one locked their doors..." and ends with an entire family slaughtered in their beds. Not this family, mkay? So when I hear something and get scared, you're supposed to sense that and bark or at least act like you'd do more than just lick whoever came to butcher me. Some damn watchdog you are.

Also, I think she sees dead people. She'll be asleep in the middle of the day, cuz that's what she does, she's kind of an "indoor girl", no chasing squirrels for her. So anyway, she'll be asleep and all of a sudden pop her head up and look at something. Not at me or the kids. Not at anything I can see. But she watches it move around the room. I don't like it. It's creepy. What the hell are you looking at?!?! Stop it!

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

This just made me laugh.. At 5:04am.. When I should be sleeping.. But I can't.. So I'm up laughing at your blog. I don't think this is a bad thing no matter what my therapist says! ;)

Oh, and are we supposed to leave our email on every post?

mooreplus4@hotmail.com

And no, it's not like Kate plus 8, my kids are 26 down to 16.. I think I was first.. I explain that only because someone asked me about it recently.. And they actually thought it was cute that I was copying Kate.. Okay, uh no, I wasn't.. Much like when I named my daughter Erica I did not name her for Erica Kane on All My Children like a bazillion people thought at the time.. What the hell?

AshMo said...

ilmao- nice way to start off the day. Thank you! made me laugh!!

SassyMomma said...

OMG!!! I'm not sure I've laughed like that in a while!
I feel the same way about our dog's. They trip me out, Don't make me feel safe, and I'm pretty sure they may see dead people also! LOL! =)

Stacie's Madness said...

hahah, I agree, no one is safe from the bitchin!

:)

Brandy Rose said...

I wanna dog that can see dead ppl :(

Cassie said...

Hilarious. I had a cat who used to do the seeing dead people thing though I just figured he had better eyesight than me.

Sarah said...

Are we lucky or what? We both got psycho dogs! Yours doesn't bark at jack; mine barks at leaves blowing on the deck. Yours has twitchy legs; mine attacks anything with 4 legs on TV. And don't get me started on the dog crap...Really?! Right in the middle of the path to the tomatoes?

AngieB said...

I've been stressed out at work all day, worrying that my dog was barking hysterically and trying to attack the guys installing replacement windows at our house. I get home and they are still working while she's sleeping on the sofa. AND they hadn't gotten the message about where I'd left the key, so they had climbed through a window to let themselves in. Yeah, GREAT watchdog!

*Noelle* said...

omg! girl, you write the funniest stuff! if i am having a shit day, i am sure to visit you for a good laugh!!!

LivingDeadNurse said...

thanks for the laugh..lol i see dead people..lol cute and creepy

CynthiaK said...

Isn't that the craziest, when they see dead people? That freaks the heck out of me.

It's nice to be able to bitch about the dog. I may start doing that, too. Was it therapeutic?

Bill and Lorie Shewbridge said...

Too funny... Our "watch" dog would lick any intruder to death, all while wagging its little stub of a tail at 100mph.
Plus he almost never barks at all, except for these little low growls that come from his stomach at ... I don't know, I can never see anything!! I go looking for it and he looks at me like I'm stupid for not seeing it.
Thanks for the laughs!!

Debra said...

Yes perhaps she sees a ghost? Or maybe she is just messin with ya? Hey, even dogs have to get amusement somewhere.

Ordie O. said...

You can bitch about anything you want. As long as you keep bitching. Bitch on, Sissy!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I have missed your blog!!! Don't know if you know I've been ill and I still am, mono, but slowly getting better -- I just caught up on everything I missed, this is my fave and that's why I'm posting here but really (see, I can do run-on too!) all of it, the guy hugging his kid, the decals, the "perfect" woman giving the finger...I have so missed this!
You totally rock!
And yeah, all those Dateline stories DO start that way, ack ack ack. And since I've been in 24/7 I've watched Jane Velez Mitchell and even Nancy Grace and trust me you'll want to arm yourself with grenades if you watch them!

Jennifer-Eighty MPH Mom said...

Too funny!! My cats do that too - they look around the room and it freaks me out - like they definitely see something. I hate that!!

Thanks for the laugh - great post!