September 17, 2009

The Dog's Turn

I don't think I've let my dog have it on the blog. She's part of the family, why should she get left out? I'm an equal opportunity bitcher. Is bitcher a word cuz I'm getting a red line under it. Whatev - my blog, my words.

I think Lexi has restless leg syndrome. It goes beyond the "running in their sleep" thing that all dogs do. She'll just be laying there - you know, awaiting Asher's next blow - and her hind leg will just jerk around for a few seconds. She looks down at it as if to say What the sam hell is that!?!? And I'm all Don't ask me, you were a rescue dog, you could have Tourette's for all we know! And by the way, could you please stop crapping right at the end of the kid's slide? That'd be great!

Another deficit to her dog-ness is the sense of security that she fails to provide me. First you should know that I'm paranoid. When I'm at home during the day every door is locked, even the one to the garage. And I go for the loaded gun from the safe often when I hear something. I don't take comfort in the low crime rate here. I've seen Dateline, it usually starts with "It was the kind of place where no-one locked their doors..." and ends with an entire family slaughtered in their beds. Not this family, mkay? So when I hear something and get scared, you're supposed to sense that and bark or at least act like you'd do more than just lick whoever came to butcher me. Some damn watchdog you are.

Also, I think she sees dead people. She'll be asleep in the middle of the day, cuz that's what she does, she's kind of an "indoor girl", no chasing squirrels for her. So anyway, she'll be asleep and all of a sudden pop her head up and look at something. Not at me or the kids. Not at anything I can see. But she watches it move around the room. I don't like it. It's creepy. What the hell are you looking at?!?! Stop it!
Post a Comment