August 31, 2009

"Not Me" Monday

So far my Monday blows so getting to pretend for just a second that I didn't do these things and that these things didn't happen to me just might save lives. Mostly I mean the lives of Jackass Principal, Aidan, and quite honestly, my own.

I did not throw out every threat in my book, make promises that would surely ruin him, and at one point actually beg my 5 year old to go into his classroom, act normal, and not make me lose my damn mind. Nope, not me!

I did not turn around 500 feet down the street from the school and find Aidan following me home. I also did not take him back to school only to find out that nobody even knew he had left! Nope, that didn't happen. Not to me.

I did not tell Jackass Principal to just stop talking to me because if he repeats the very obvious over and over and over again to me one more time I might strangle him with the band on his staff badge. Nope, not me.

I did not text my husband and tell him if he doesn't want his wife in the paper tomorrow for assaulting said Principal, he better come down there to intervene. Nope, I would never do that.

I did not get home from the school fiasco still fuming, possibly shaking from anger only to get slapped with one more Fuck You in the form of Asher's ass exploding to the point he needed a bath to get sufficiently clean. Nope, didn't happen. No way.

I am not begging God to let me go back to last night and have a do over for today. No, I am. That is happening.

August 27, 2009

Talk About A Wandering Mind

You'll have to forgive me for the following schizophrenic post, I've got a lot on my mind.

I really want to blog about this government health care bill, just not bad enough to take the shit storm that will ensue. Do not assume you know my stance

I also want to block an IP address from viewing my blog - who can help me with that?

Yo Gabba Gabba freaks. me. out. My God, do you have to be all fucked up on heroin to come up with the latest hit kids show?

I just realized one of my fave blogs is gone. She's just gone. And she didn't even say goodbye. It bothers me way more than it should.

To everyone who sent me this

I got the message, mkay? No more texting and driving.

August 21, 2009

Friday Fragments

My nephews, Jayden and Julyan, had me crackin' up during our visit to Arkansas this month. All the kids were running in and out of the house and my sister yelled, "Shut the door! What are you, barn animals?" and Jayden stuck his head back in to say, "No, YOU look like a barn animal!". Then one morning Julyan asked me if I wanted "mancakes" (muffins) or "puffcakes" (pancakes) for "freffrest" (breakfast).

Sixteen long months after we put our house in Arkansas up for sale, it is out of our lives. Can you say thank you, Baby Jesus? I can, I've said it many times today. 16 months, 6 offers, 4 buyers, 4 closing dates, 3 last minute financing falling throughs, and a net loss of $55 K. We may never buy a house again.

The one thing I have to say that doesn't have something to do with Arkansas (and I fucking dare you to make the generic connection)... A big damn chuck of one of my back molars broke off. On Friday evening OF COURSE! 

August 20, 2009

Check This Out

Read this and just try to tell me it's not the funniest thing you've ever read. Except for my stuff, of course.

I wanted to leave her a comment to say I adore her and I'll be stalking her from now on but whatever type comment it is that is on her blog won't let me comment. It's been months and I've never once been able to leave a comment for anyone with that comment type. Any of you technical geeks got any ideas? And I totally mean "geek" in the nicest possible way.

Give It To Me Straight

I really don't know what to do here. Aidan lasted 37 minutes longer today than he did yesterday. He is up in his bare room now and will not be going back to school tomorrow. I feel like anything I say against the school is somehow defending Aidan's behavior. I'm not.

I'm REALLY not.

However... I do think they are jumping the gun a bit. And I think the principal is a jackass. But I'll get into that later.

Here's how I see things. Aidan is a brat. He's got a foul little temper and there is something up with him. Maybe he has ADHD, maybe he had Oppositional Defiance Disorder, maybe he has Aspergers Syndrome, maybe he caught the fucking plague... I don't know. I'm his mother and I know that most likely he will do better in a setting with less kids and a teacher who specializes in behavior modification. I know this because I've known him for 5 years and he's always been like this. Principal Get Him Outta Here doesn't know that. That jackass has "known" Aidan for a combined total of one and a half days and he's decided it's a lost cause.

Now here are my complaints about "that man" as Aidan refers to him.

He speaks to me as though I were a 16 year old girl and that I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

He barely lets me speak at all.

He is right next to hateful when he talks about Aidan.

Aidan doesn't like him and the man is up his ass all day long. When I left this morning I saw him walking over to Aidan's table and Aidan was stiffening up already.

He's very obviously not interested in helping Aidan. He wants him out of his school. I know this because he called Student Services to "get the ball rolling" on getting Aidan moved before he ever called me yesterday.

Now all this man knows is this is the first week of Kindergarten and Aidan isn't doing the things he should be doing. So the first step is to kick him out? To say he can't do it? To get rid of him? Seriously?

Am I wrong to think he should get more than a day to adjust accordingly? Am I just being defensive or overly sensitive about it? Does it seem to anyone else that Principal Get Him Outta Here just doesn't want to deal with Aidan's issues? And who's with me that we change his name to Principal Jackass for the blog cuz Principal Get Him Outta Here is a tad too long?

August 19, 2009

Like This Wasn't Destined To Happen...

Yesterday I started out the post about Aidan's first day with Today is a day I've been dreading for 3 years now - Aidan's first day of Kindergarten. And then I blathered on about how he did so well and how he loved it and bullshit bullshit bullshit.

Um, turns out there was good reason to dread the day. Or any day where Aidan is expected to act like a normal human child. If we were hyenas we'd be fucking golden!

Day 2 was a bust. At 1pm I get a call from the school. I'm still too angry to get into details but just read a few of the Legendary Aidan BS posts. It's all the same old shit really. He spent the rest of the day in his room that had been stripped of anything he could possibly have fun with. I feel the need to defend my parenting by saying all the things I've done to punish him but screw that. I guess it's obviously I get an F in that subject.


August 18, 2009

Did It Really Happen This Way?

Today is a day I've been dreading for 3 years now - Aidan's first day of Kindergarten. That fear was cemented last year with his preschool experiences that would scare the hell out of the people who run those outdoor survival outfits for the worst juvenile delinquents. Trust me, it got ugly.

Today, however, was not ugly. Bizarre, yes, but not ugly.

We got up way too early for me. I was considering home schooling for a fraction of a second. Aidan took a shower, picked out his clothes, and ate breakfast - the whole time chattering about how excited he was for school. I was cautiously optimistic. The Mr and I exchanged looks that said "He's gonna completely flip out when I try to leave, isn't he?"

We only live 2 blocks from the school but Aidan insisted that we drive. Let me assure you, we will be walking from now on. You haven't seen a traffic cluster-fuck until you've seen a bunch of snot-slinging Kindergartner Moms taking their little darlings to school for the first time. They obviously can't see through their tears because my vehicle was essentially invisable. We won't discuss whether or not I teared up for a minute. The point here is school traffic blows and I'm not doing it anymore.

So we finally make it into the building and Aidan asked me to help him hang up his backpack and then he went to his chair and said "Bye Mom". I had to remind him to kiss me goodbye! I just kinda stumbled out of the room after that. Then I sat in the truck for 10 minutes waiting for my phone to ring. It's been 2 hours now and no calls. I think my jaw is still on the floor outside his classroom. I'll pick it up when I go get him I guess.

August 17, 2009

Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama...

This is Asher's favorite game. "Amok" means fruit snack in Asher. And now he thinks growling at everything is the funniest thing he could possibly do. He's partly right but we try not to let him know that.

August 3, 2009

It's Goodbye Time

Despite my last post, I am not quitting. I am, however, taunting death by taking a trip back to Arkansas with the two hooligans all by myself this week. And, GASP, I am leaving my laptop at home.

I know!

I plan to be too busy swimming and visiting and screwing around to be checking email or blogging. Except that I have email on my phone. And as God as my witness, you know if I knew how to blog from that thing I'd be all over it, therefore making the whole point of a vacation moot.

I love the word moot. It's like you're mispronouncing "mute" but only smart people know you're not.

I seriously need a vacation.

August 2, 2009

Things Must Change

I'm losing followers. I try desperately to try to find out who it was that abandoned me so I could ask them, Why? Was it the the Michael Jackson post? Cuz if that's it, you shouldn't be a reader of this blog.

I try to not to care about you. And by "you" I mean those who have been longtime readers who know this isn't a blog about my blissfully happy, prefect life and perfect kids. You knew that sunshine did not radiate from my ass. The point is you knew this and you read anyway and you laughed, too. So were you really that shocked to read me go after MJ? Really, cuz have you been paying attention at all?

I got pissed about the losing followers first and then I got pissed that I even want to look at my stats. I do, of course, and BAM! reason to be really pissed.

I hate this part of blogging and I've never even dove into the deep end in terms of networking. MomDot doesn't know I exist, I've had very few interactions with companies about ads and reviews and giveaways and sponsorship. I don't go to Blog-Her and I was envious about it this year until the blog posts about it started popping up. I'm pretty sure I'm out for 2010, too. I've never been invited to the other blogger conferences throughout the year. That's ok.

Right now I feel inspired by another blogger who I adore,
Sarah, who got fed up and stopped blogging. She's easing back in now but she came out swinging with her first few posts about how she's not playing the game anymore. She's writing what she wants to write, whenever she wants to write it. She's banning StatCounter because that's not why she writes. No pressure blogging. I'm on it.

Except I can't ban StatCounter cuz it provides me with some great blog fodder but no more new networking groups unless I feel like I LOVE the group. I don't give a damn about my Google Page Rank -
nor do I even know how to find out what it is. These google followers, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have that at all. That number just screams at me You are a fucking loser, your writing sucks, and as proof - someone dropped you because of it. I get enough of that shit from my own head, I don't need this supplemental ego dropkicking, thankyouverymuch.

Some people say
It's just a blog. Who cares what people you don't even know say? I say Oh shut the fuck up! It's not just a blog. It's where I rant. I swear on my laptop there are people alive today that may not have been if not for this outlet. And I'm not just talking about my children. It's true that I don't know most of my readers. But a lot of people from my real life read the blog. There are a few people I'm praying and wishing and hoping never read it but if they do it will not be the end of me.

But most importantly, I have made some fantastic friends through the blog. Yes, they are my friends. Some I have met in real life, some I haven't and some I will very soon. I can't freaking wait,
Krista and Sarah! I blow up my phone texting them all day long every day. We hack eachother's FarmTown accounts to save our crops - it's completely ridiculious but we're friends and that's what we do. We chat for hours online on Facebook. I know the names of their children and husbands, I know when they are freaking out because they're not packed for a move across the country. They know all that about me and can usually sense when I'm about to climb a clock tower with a rifle. The whole point of that was to say my blog is not JUST a blog. My blog is my outlet, my blog is to entertain, my blog is to document the crazy shit these kids have put me through. Somehow along the way I met these gals who are my friends. And that's a hell of a plus.

I said all that to say from now on I'm writing for those gals who fight to the death for the Comment Whore Crown. I write for loyal readers, commenters - only the nice ones, the trolls can scurry back under their bridge and suck it. I write for the small group of people who read and love my blog. I try my very best to send a quick email after I get a comment but if there's no email I always go leave them a comment. I can do that because I have such a small following and that's ok with me. I was never meant to be a big shot anyway.

August 1, 2009

He's Gonna Still Live With Us When He's 45, Hu?

I look over at Aidan to see what looks like a huge dried booger in his hair. I pull at it and he squeals and I may or may snicker a little and enjoy it a tad too much.

"Ouch! Why did you do that?"

"Because you have a huge dried booger in your hair! Why is there a booger in your hair anyway?"

" Cuz I wiped it there! That's where I keep 'em, okay?"

"Good luck catching a wife someday, kid."