July 28, 2009

Is There A 12 Step Program For Farm Town Yet?

...cuz I think I need it.

My Dearest Farm Town,

We are gonna have to take some time apart. Not a break up, just a break. You know, to gain some perspective. It's just going too fast for me. We spend too much time together and I need to focus on me right now. It's not you, it's me. I'm not going to be messing around in the Mafia Wars or Farmville. I know you think Farkle and I have something going on but it's not true. I only have eyes for you, Farm Town, and when I get my head right I'm gonna be coming back to you. You're the only Facebook App for me.

All My Love and time and energy,


I knew that letter had to be written as I reread this chat between me and Sarah at midnight.

Sissy: if I suddenly disappear from your farm it's cuz my computer is in pieces on the damn floor!

Sarah: what the?!

Sissy: it's so damn slow!

Sarah: I think it's FarmTown not the computer love

Sissy: well me and FT are gonna lock horns in a minute

Sarah: I'm about to pee myself! You are in need of an FT intervention!

Sissy: my pain for your pleasure, glad I could be of assistance

Sissy: saving saving saving saving saving.... SAVE THIS BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sissy: you want my carrots?

Sarah: I'm not sure! are they angry carrots?

July 25, 2009

I Refuse To Name This Blog Fart Friday

...but that's exactly what this is. Except the Friday thing.

At what point in blogging do you run out of post titles? I'm at roughly 600 and ya'll, I am scratching the bottom of the proverbial barrel.

This is a list of the ridiculous shit that has given me heartburn this week;
chocolate chip cookies
Bacardi Lemonade
yogurt covered raisins
Mt Dew

CitiMortgage has GOT to be the most pig headed, idiotic, backward ass company that has ever managed to convince people they are worth a shit in the history of dumb! They make the federal government look like a fucking master of financial security. Please tell me Karma comes back to bite the asses of large corporations by means of say, bankruptcy or eviction or Bubonic Plague.

Asher's little renegade ass better gain some perspective. It's like he knows he's turning 2 and that means he's supposed to have a giant attitude and make my life miserable. Here's a little nugget of info to chew on, Ash, don't make me stop saving your ass from your brother.

The ending of 10,000 BC was really sucking a fat one and then BAM!, all is right in the prehistoric world again!

July 20, 2009

3 Things You Might Observe At A Monster Truck Show Besides Big Trucks

#1. People lose their damn minds when the freakin' T-shirt cannon comes out. 

Grown ass men rip $3 shirts from the hands of sweet little girls in pig tails and little old ladies start throwing elbows. Granted, these little old ladies have Virginia Slims hanging from their lips and are wearing wolves on their shirts but they are little old ladies none-the-less.

 Dear Unknown Local Girl Posing As A Singer,

There is Kelly Clarkson signing the National Anthem. And there is Roseanne doing it. 

Can you please keep the unnecessary runs down to a minimum? We'd appreciate it.


Simon Cowell Wannabe In The Stands

#3. People are inconsiderate pricks. Maybe you didn't notice but there are tons of kids at this little shin dig. I know you've heard that radio commercial with the kid hacking a lung up because he's exposed to second hand smoke. Why must you smoke right here right now? Yes, technically it's an outside venue but would it kill you to go to the parking lot? I smoked for years, I can honestly say you will not die if you do not smoke for 2 hours! Damn! These two literally never stopped smoking throughout the whole thing.

July 19, 2009

Blog Farts

and it's not even Friday. I'm such a renegade!

Holy crap I simply LOVE it when I see a kid that's not mine absolutely losing his shit in public! Sure, I feel sympathy for the parents but damn if my heart isn't filled with sweet sense of Oh thank God in Heaven it's not me this time!

So if Asher can point to his butt and tell me he's pooping does that mean I should start potty training?

I miss Grissom on CSI.

I'm sick of hearing about Blog-Her and how much fun all the bloggers from the in-crowd are going to be having. Call it jealousy. Yes, I'm jealous that I can't spend a week in a swanky hotel in Chicago - which is my favorite city! - without a little person screaming Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! every 2.1 seconds. I'm jealous all the cool girls are still not gonna know my name or that my piddly little blog exists. I'm jealous, okay?

I think Big Brother sucks so far this season, I'm totally pissed about the ending of Harper's Island, and I can't. wait. any. longer. for Ghost Whisperer to come back!

CitiMortgage is still on my shit list.

Want to know the quickest way to assure I never, ever visit your blog again? Leave me a comment and then demand in said comment that I come to your blog and leave you a comment. Here's the thing - if I bully someone into leaving me a comment, it's not really a genuine comment, now is it? I'm certainly not in the bloggy in-crowd so take this for what it's worth but Way to make a first impression, Biff!

July 16, 2009

Something Stinks In Suburbia

It's been pretty quiet on the front lines of us vs Jackass Neighbors. Quiet isn't always a good thing. In fact they're probably planning nuclear war or something because beyond just not being pricks, they are being nice.

You're scared, aren't you? I am.

It started with the daughter. After the screaming episode and a few glares and scowls, all of a sudden she's smiling and making eye contact. When I asked Mr what he thought about it he simply said "lobotomy".

Then Mrs. Jackass starts smiling. Then waving. And I started twitching cuz what the hell?

Then! Then she speaks. Not yelling like a lunatic, chatting like we aren't the modern day equivalent of the Hatfield's and McCoys. Well, she chatted, I just kinda stood there waiting for the other shoe to drop with my mouth hanging open slightly. There might have been rapid eye blinking. The Mr was mowing and after she walked away he came over to ask what she was bitching about this time. He had to break me out of my shock induced trance before I could tell him there was no bitching but hell had just frozen over.

Mr. Jackass still holds the same constipated, pinched look on his face all the time so nothing new there. He's an idiot and we make fun of his token middle class, miswestern square trying to be hip calf tattoos when he wears shorts. Juvenile? Yes. I'm okay with that.

July 14, 2009

What Am I Gonna Do With This Kid?

Time for another round of crazy, humiliating, rude, and condescending crap that comes out of Aidan's mouth.

It's my box now cuz I snook it out of the closet.

I'm not gonna stop eating cinnamon and sugar (Cinnamon Toast Crunch) until the store stops selling cinnamon and sugar.

Are you coming to my party? Don't forget to bring me a present!

Asher, get your foot off the damn pedal!

I got lots of owies cuz I don't watch where I'm going and I go too fast.

I can't wait, I don't have any patience at all!

Yeah, if I get macaroni and cheese on the carpet then we'll have to move out of this house and we won't have time to move this afternoon.

July 9, 2009

How Do Young People Make You Feel Old?

Holy hell, I've got to get this teenager out of my house!

Naw, she's not bad in the traditional teenage girl sense. She's pretty fantastic actually but damn if she isn't making me feel old!

First of all, it's not fair for a 30 year old woman to work out with a 14 year old girl. I'm pouring sweat, huffing and puffing, and possibly wheezing a little when I look over and she's not even breathing hard. Was I wrong to wish her treadmill belt would suddenly speed up or stop completely? 

Oh, and she made me run line drills.

Okay, I ran
A line drill. But that's one more than the times I've done one of those damn things since jr high.

Also, I was there when she was born. I changed her diaper, she puked on me, and I'm pretty sure I was responsible for her uttering her first F bomb. Now she's getting mistaken for an adult, she shoots off no less than 6,000 texts a day, and chats with 12 boys at a time on MySpace. 

Oh, and now she goes by her "big girl" name. This is weird to me. Her name is Brooklynn Nicole. She was always Nikki to me. Now she prefers Brooke. Sorry, chica, I prefer to look like Heidi Klum...

However, she is Aidan and Asher's bitch and that suits me just fine. Plus she's gonna watch the little terrorists so the Mr and I can enjoy a meal and a movie in relative peace one night this week.

On second thought, maybe we'll adopt her.

July 7, 2009

The Day The Earth Stood Still

Mr: Why did you ever pick this movie?

Me: You don't know?

Mr: What?

Me: It was a popular movie, I put it on the list.


Mr: Keanu Reeves?

Me: No.


Mr: That dork?

Me: No, I don't think he's hot.


Mr: You are lying thru your teeth. Your teeth and your veneers!

Me: What?!?!

Mr: Yeah, you heard me. Put
that in your blog!

And so I did.

July 2, 2009

What Is Your Malfunction?

First, I'm talking to Blogger. Quit taking blogs that I follow away! I lost dozens yesterday and one of them even called me out on their blog about it. Me thinks she was pissed!

Next, I'm talking to you, followers. Putting aside the possibility that Blogger is screwing with you, too, make up your damn mind, okay? I post about MJ not being my favorite pedophile in the world and you drop me. Then I put up a video of my kid inhaling broccoli and you're back. Don't you know my self-worth is all wrapped up in that number?

Well, that number and the one on my bathroom scale. I digress.

Anyway, have some conviction. Either my blog sucks and I'm wrong about everything and you're too good for me or my blog rawks and you're addicted and you're gonna stick with me even when I post things that prove I'm crazy. Just think about it?