June 29, 2009

Catching Up Cuz I Was Lazy Last Week

I screwed around and didn't participate in Wordless Wednesday, Blog Fart Friday, or Sunday Citar/Quotable Sunday last week. What can I say? Not much inspiration, low on funny... oh and Farm Town on Facebook took over my life! Seriously, thanks a bunch, Krista! I'll be calling you from jail when I'm arrested for child neglect. Do you have any crops ready for me to harvest? Text me!

Here's my Blog Fart Friday for last week.

  • Day-um! Last week was a bad week for celebs, hu? Ed McMahon, Farrah, MJ, and Billy Mays... Makes me thankful for my meaningless existence.
  • I just realized that all this time I've been excited for Aidan to go to Kindergarten, I didn't think about that meaning we'll have to get up way early every. single. day. That's gonna blow!
  • Sometimes I think I look like a drag queen when I wear makeup. Does my face look like a man's to you? Go screw, Anonymous!
  • Now, in addition to screaming "Go!" every damn time I stop the truck at a light or stop sign, Asher kicks the back of my seat. I'm thinking that's cause to get your little bossy ass thrown out of the truck but I could be wrong.
  • There's this woman in town that I'm not gonna like. We have kids the same age, in the same activities, and I'm afraid we are gonna be running in the same circles somewhat. My issue is I think she's a frigid bitch. She never smiles back at me and she scowls at Asher. Who scowls at Asher? He's fucking adorable!
  • I still hate CitiMortgage with the fire of a thousand suns. Fuckers.

And finally, My Sunday Citar, Quotable Sunday

"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."

June 26, 2009

RIP Pervert MJ

I've just gotta say it. Michael Jackson. He was a brilliant song writer, he was musical genius, at one time he had an incredible voice, he was the biggest pop star in the world, and he was infinitely talented. He was also a pedophile. And please don't start with the he was never convicted of anything shit because I just can't respond calmly to that anymore. I think this particular fact should be considered in regard to his legacy. But maybe that's just me.

I'm pretty sure I should just go ahead and tag this post with Got Me Hate Mail but time will tell. I give it 45 minutes before I've got a nasty email, 20 minutes for Anonymous to spew venom all over my blog. Place your bets!

Update: I lost 4 followers since this went up. Big freakin' crybabies!

Update #2: It took longer than I thought but I got my first ass chewing by the MJ-can-molest-kids,-it's-ok club. Sorry he's not around to babysit for ya!

Update #3: You HAVE to check out the comments on this post by Woman in the Midst: Raw. Someone totally drank MJ's kool aid.

June 25, 2009

Are Ya Kiddin' Me?

It's 8:50am and we are supposed to be at the YMCA at 9am for Aidan's Adventure Club. We are all still barefoot, I'm dragging all our crap out to the truck, screaming for Aidan to grab his babies and get his shoes on. Asher is running behind me yelping "yet's goooooo!". In short, a typical Monday through Thursday morning at our house.

On Monday, we screeched into the parking lot at about 8:59am and as soon as we get to Aidan's classroom, he slapped his forehead and said "Uh oh, my babies!". Uh oh, tough, we're here, we're late, you were told a dozen times to get them, sorry for ya... I tried threats and bribery but it was obvious that if we didn't go back for them he was gonna make me, his teachers, and everyone else he looked at miserable so we loaded back up and went back home to get them.

As we are drove away from the house, Aidan asked me to smell one of them. Now I knew better than to smell it but I did it anyway and almost lost control of the truck thanks to the wretched stink that came from the thing. I begged him not to take that one in and he agreed. This in itself was a small miracle but I considered myself lucky. Then out of pure morbid curiosity I sniffed the other one and damn near got knocked out with a similar stench. I figured we would be on our way back home to get some more when I asked him not to bring either one in but he just said, "Ok, I just won't bring a baby in."

Excuse me? Then why in the sam hell did we just drive back home to get the damn things? I swear he does this shit just to make me crazy. Or crazier. Whatever.

June 24, 2009

A Slightly Disturbing Video Wednesday

This kid scares me.
What the hell was he trying to accomplish with the remote around the 1:10 mark? I think that's an issue for a shrink, seriously. Oh, and I love that little brother!

June 23, 2009

Fortune 500 Bound

My kids are quite the entrepreneurial duo. They might take care of us in our old age after all.

It was roughly 400 degrees outside on Monday. With no wind mind you. The wind here blows like a damn tornado every day but not today, no sir! So Aidan decided to set up a lemonade stand. "I'm gonna sell lemonade on this fresh, hot day!" is actually how he put it. Oh great, I thought.

A little background on his lemonade stand exploits. Back home he tried to sell lemonade once. We ended up in the hole. Now it wasn't all his fault since mostly teenage gang members and dope seekers drove through our one street subdivision so they didn't stop for a glass. Also, it was March and not at all hot.

Oh, something else that might have scared anybody who would have stopped - the dirt in the cups and Asher's nasty little hands splashing around in the pitcher like it was his personal bathtub. That just screams "yummy", right?

So I didn't have much faith things would go much better this time. We were semi-prepared though. I made him cover the top of the pitcher with a towel and rubber band, Asher wasn't allowed to wash his hands in the product, and it was hot as hell. We made a sign and set up shop right around 5pm so we got everyone coming home from work.

Asher stood on the grass and danced and waved and screamed "Hi!" and Aidan gave drivers the big, pathetic, pleading eyes and they flocked in. Asher would run up to the car and hold out his hand for the money and Aidan would help me pour the lemonade. The cost was a quarter but many people gave him more - even a whole dollar a couple times. The two of them were very charming, which was a good contrast to me because I was looking kinda scary... profusely sweating with my hair all crazy with the dreaded sweat-curl. I was a hot mess, mkay?

Have I mentioned I loathe the heat? Cuz I do.

In the end we went through 8 quarts of lemonade and Aidan pulled in about ten bucks. And no, he has no intention of sharing the proceeds with Asher who literally had to shake his booty on the street corner.

My stock as a mom is dropping because I didn't take a single photo or video. They can work it out with their therapist someday.

June 22, 2009

You Can Find Anything On The Internet

Whew! Just when I was low on funny my stats came to the rescue. I especially appreciate when the searches are done as questions cuz man, that just makes it so dang easy.

How do I beat Webkinz Triple Strike Solitaire? Dude, it's Webkinz! It's for 5 year olds. Are you for real?

Are my kids martians? Yes. Yes, they are. How else can they be explained?

What is the blog about a jackass neighbor and a beast? Did you actually just search for a blog about these things or were you looking for me specifically?

I need Webkinz usernames and passwords. Why, so you can hack a 5 yr old's Webkinz account? Loser!

Is my kid a sissy or a martian? Well, clearly if he's not one he must be the other, right?

Why does the Ped-egg hurt so damn bad? Honey, it's not supposed to. That said, I don't know but it does, doesn't it? A tool of the devil I tell you!

If I pee first, will I weigh less? Maybe. But you have to be nekkid, with dry hair, and you can't have drank anything yet. It all works together.

June 18, 2009

Thursday Thirteen

It's about time for a Thursday Thirteen, don'tcha think? How about 13 things that are pissing me off today?

1. CitiMortgage. Evil, greedy, lying, hateful, rotten mother fuckers from the bowels of hell! My greatest desire is to read in the paper that they are bankrupt. Or that they got foreclosed on. Either would make me grin and rub my hands together like the Grinch right now.

2. The fact that I completely fucked up my header while trying to fix the links in my buttons. So much for my html skills. Now my blog is all jacked up and my OCD can't take it!

3. My neck is killing me! I woke up, rolled over, and cranked my neck around to look at the clock and BAM! I'm basically immobile. It hurts like a son of a bitch and Advil, it seems, is a giant pussy and is of no help thus far.

4. Heat. It's finally gotten into the 90's here and it's beautiful. But it's damn hot! I hate hate hate the heat. I sweat like a pig, my hair gets wet and curls up near my head which makes for very unflattering hair days, and I'm generally miserable. And don't tell me to cool off at a pool cuz my fat ass is #5 on this list so there'll be no pool/lake/beach trips for Sissy. I don't even wear shorts for crying out loud!

5. My ass. Specifically, the sheer size of it. And the dimples craters in it.

6. Speidi. Have you seen these two yahoos? What the sam hell is wrong with this country? These two are celebrities? For what, being the most self absorbed assholes on this planet? Please tell me they are going to go away soon.

7. CitiMortgage. Fuckers.

8. Asher. I don't know what his damn problem is but he needs to get over it. Now. Suddenly he can't sleep unless he's right next to me at night and he takes a "nap" of roughly 6 1/2 minutes during the day. He screams "Go!" everytime I stop the truck at a light or stop sign and "No!" for every, and I mean EVERY, simple request I make of him.

9. Twitter. Listen up, Sweet Sweet Tori, I do not want to see what you have on under your leather pants and I don't want to have the time of my life with you through your webcam. You're a skank. Please pass along my feelings to XBrianeXXX, Holly Loves You, and Sexxxy Twinz.

10. Companies who keep trying to get me to advertise for them without paying me. Here's a tip; If you want me to do a review you have to supply the product. And yeah, I kinda expect to be able to keep it. Also, I will not promise to write a positive review. If I think your product sucks I will say so. You will have the opportunity to not have me publish the review. And just because I do a review for you, that does not give you the right to demand that I place an ad in my sidebar indefinately free of charge. That little scroll box is for paid ads only. It wouldn't kill you to actually pay for your advertising, you stingy ass!

11. Baked Cheetos cuz they are so dang good! They are at least halfway responsible for #5.

12. The Appeal by John Grisham. I hate it when a book doesn't end right. And by right I mean the way I wanted it to end.

13. Did I mention CitiMortgage?

June 12, 2009

Not Blog Fart Friday

I've done a few Blog Fart Fridays lately and it's starting to bug me so I'm out of that game. I'm essentially gonna do the same thing I just refuse to call it Blog Fart Friday. I'm a rebel like that, see my Wordless Wednesdays.

Do you ever wonder if a celeb you blogged about ever read your blog? Like when I call a certain homewrecker a Slutbag and profess my slightly twisted admiration for another. I've heard that sometimes they read blogs about themselves so it's possible, right? If you knew the famous one would grace your blog with his or her presence, would you edit?

I try really hard to respond to all of my comments because I need love them. But I need your email address to stalk you properly, okay? Cooperate please!

Oh, if I don't have you on my blogroll just send me a quick note sayin' What's up with that, heifer, put my damn button up! Do not piss and moan to everyone else about it, send me a bitchy email about disrespect, remove me from your blogroll, and then systematically delete every comment you ever left for me. Didn't you grow out of that shit in 3rd grade? Fucking infant!

I love Twitter, I hate Twitter, I love Twitter...

Did anyone notice my first paid ad floating up there in the scroll box (top right)? Go ahead, click on it, I get nothing if you do but it'd be nice if they actually got something for their money.

I chatted with a neighbor this week who is totally gonna join the Oust The Jackass Neighbor Campaign. I think we're soulmates because she thinks the Lawn Pride epidemic here is out of control and she actually uttered the words "piss on them" when I relayed the ongoing saga to her.

After many years we are saying goodbye (and good riddance) to AT&T. We will now be slaves to Verizon. I'm not sure which I despise more right now - AT&T for not providing service here or Verizon for picking my husband's wallet clean. That's my job, dammit!

Our house in Arkansas has been on the market for 409 days. We've set closing dates 3 times and obviously never actually closed on the damn thing. That idiot-box we call a mortgage company has no help except to say "you have to be delinquent to enroll in any programs". CitiBank will be my mortal enemy until the day I die and if I wasn't such a chicken shit responsible person I'd burn that damn house down and mail those son of a bitches a box of the ashes. Oh, unless we are delinquent you have no programs available? Here's my program, let's see how much you can get for this!

I have several awards to formally accept but it's past midnight and those 2 mini-psychos I call my children will no doubt be up at 6am since we don't have anything to actually wake up early for. Besides, I'm low on blog material (and funny in case you haven't noticed) so I'll drag that out into it's own post so I don't have to think too hard.

June 9, 2009

Who Taught You That?

My mother came to visit us unexpectedly last week. I'm working on the blog about how she punked me, it's a good one. It was a great suprise for me but Aidan nearly exploded when he saw her. He adores his Nana. And who wouldn't when your Nana plays cool computer games with you and teaches you creative ways to make fart sounds?

June 8, 2009

As If I Needed Another Reason To Live Out In The Country

It seems that Jackass Neighbors have a Jackass Daughter. I held out hope that she wasn't a prick like her parents but like they say - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Not even rotten ones from diseased trees.

Lexi was out in our newly fenced in backyard this afternoon. I heard her barking like crazy so I stepped outside just in time to see Jackass Daughter carrying that little rat they call a dog into their backyard. Then it jumped out of her arms and run over to our fence and Lexi.

Note: THEIR dog ran over to OUR fence and yard.

The little shit (the dog, not JD
*although she's a little shit, too*) can damn near fit through the spaces and Lexi is barking like crazy and that damn brat starts yelling at her!

Yelling at OUR dog who is inside OUR fence while HER dog is trying to get into OUR fence.

That whole family makes my blood boil. Do you think there could be a mold growing inside their walls that makes them think they're like the First Family of the neighborhood or some shit?


June 7, 2009

Sunday Citar and Quotable Sunday

"You have ONE advantage over me... you can kiss my ass and I can't."

And that's just the kind of mood I'm in today. I couldn't find a quote on the evil that is a caffiene withdraw headache from hell or it would have been my motto today. This is what I imagine it's like kicking Heroin or Meth or the internet.

Head over to A Daily Dose of Toni for her quotes and a list of other bloggers participating in her Quotable Sunday series.

Also hit up Tabitha at Fresh Mommy for her Sunday Citar and the bloggers who participate in that. This is my first time doing Sunday Citar and I think I'm a fan.

June 5, 2009

Guess What

Does anyone else constantly type "teh" instead of "the"? It's like a malfunction between my brain and my fingers and it drives me crazy because I can't just go back and fix it later, I have to backspace all the way back through everything I've written since and fix it right then. Can you freaking believe my OCD is still undiagnosed?

I worked out all 4 days that Aidan was in Adventure Club this week. I better not come face to face with the sadistic fucker who created the Stair Master. Although that probably won't happen cuz he's probably long dead - found hanging in a closet naked with a belt around his neck. And I totally had that part in my head before this David Carradine thing happened, honest.

I don't know what kind of numbers (hits, stats) the rest of you get on your blog but mine are pretty poor. Till now...they've been up drastically the past couple of weeks and damned if I know why. They're not Dooce high but to my measly little blog it's big time. My husband asked me how I managed to get my head through the front door. And then I punched him and said Who the hell do you think you're talking to? Do you know how many hits my blog got today, bitch?!?!

We saw Angels and Demons last night and holy hell, it was awesome! I read and loved DaVinci Code and only liked the movie but I didn't read Angels and Demons but I found the movie much, much better than DaVinci Code. Plus, very rarely do I ever get duped with who's bad/who's good? aspect of movies and this one punked me.

Some of you may know about my sweet tea addiction. It's a problem. It may actually be an ingredient in my blood at this point. Since I've been trying to kill myself working out, I thought maybe I should quit drinking 6000 calories in sweet tea as well. I'm on hour 32 and it's all I can do not to break the seal on that gallon of sweet satisfaction in the fridge and stop all this nonsense.

June 4, 2009

Say What?

Aidan's got one liners and comments to keep us laughing all day long. Here are just a few recent ones.

After eating popcorn - My tummy is just full from shoving handfuls of popcorn down my throat into my tummy. Now I have to go lay down.

While sharing said popcorn with his brother - See, Ash, this is why you're disgusting!

Mumbled under his breath while I tied his brother's big wheel to the back of his bike - God I hope this works.

When anything goes wrong for him - Why is this happening to me? or This can't be happening! or You've got to be kidding me!

After realizing that he not only left his underwear at his friend's house but also his cubes of cheese - *slaps his palm on his forehead* What?! I left my undies AND my cheese there? Oh great, I needed that cheese! How did this happen?

When he's done something naughty but I don't yet know about it - Mama, I need to say I'm sorry for sumthin'. When I ask what he did he says Can I not get in trouble for it?

June 1, 2009

Front Row Seat To My Idea of Hell, Possibly Limbo

Something else I've learned about my new town... I am a minority. Well, my family is. See we only have 2 kids and we are done. I have yet to meet a mom with less than 3 kids. More often they have 4, 5, 6, and yes even 7 kids.

Wait, wait for it... A pretty good percentage of these Miracle Parents are pregnant again. I scan the room for the slightest look of fear or even terror but there is none. And I'm glad for them. I'm glad it worked out well for them. But when the conversation turns to "when are you gonna have your next one?" and I say, uh, no, we're done. They look at me like I'm on fire. I even say it very slowly but it's as if I were speaking Old Latin cuz they don't understand. They want to know if there's a reason (as in what's up with your girl parts?) Once the vajayjay gets brought up, that's my cue to hit em hard with Wait till you get to know my kids, you'll understand and that just leads to the old uncomfortable silence I was telling you about in this post.

I've been told it's a Catholic thing. Strict Catholic, not the kind of Catholic I'd be. I have to take birth control cuz I should not cannot will not have any more kids. But this could be the underlying reason here seeing as how the Catholic school system is quite near the size of the public school system.

Still doesn't make any sense to me but then again I'm just a freak who couldn't survive a litter.

Monday Posts Generally Suck So Who Am I To Break Tradition?

Um, yeah, I had to wake Aidan up this am just like I told you I would. And Friday when we don't have anything on the schedule - he'll be up at 6am. I'm serious, that post is coming.

Aidan's Adventure Club went ok - His Highness made the teacher do his craft and he refused to participate in any activity but he didn't get kicked out so I don't give a shit if the woman becomes his indentured servant for the summer as long as I get my 2 hours of peace. Asher, on the other hand, robbed me of my peace - and by peace I mean 2 hours of sweating like a pig in the gym - by screaming like a banshee at YCare so I got 15 minutes into my medieval torture device stair stepper workout when they came to get me to take him.

Swim lessons start in half an hour. The kind where I don't have to be in the pool with him (thank you Baby Jesus) so we'll see how that goes. I'm thinking lightening doesn't strike twice but I'm an optimist. If you know me at all you are laughing your ass off right now!

UPDATE: Um, why didn't I read this site before Nov 2003-ish? Why couldn't that county fair Tarot Card reader in 1999 show me this day? Or this or this one. A peek at any one of those incidents could have saved that poor kid at the pool today. Yeah, the swim lessons were a Fail! Aidan acted like a damn fool and I was mortified and now I'm pissed and I really don't know why I'm even suprised.