April 23, 2009


I just spent the last half hour trying in vain to get a lawn care service to come work on our yard. Our yard is the bastard of the neighborhood as it stands right now. The embolism in my husband's head moves a little closer to his brain every time he drives by the cascade of dandelions that grace the front and side yards. I say leave 'em and we can charge people to come take cheesy family pictures laying amongst them but he doesn't appreciate my vision. Whatev.

In this bustling metropolis there are 11 lawn care businesses. 2 didn't answer the phone and didn't have a voicemail. I can't even begin to understand having a business and not at least having a way for someone to leave a message because you didn't answer your business phone! 5 didn't answer but did have a voicemail. A slight improvement over the first 2 but still I didn't leave a message because I can barely articulate what I want done in my head, no way am I gonna ramble on in a voicemail about it only for them to call back and say they couldn't understand me because of my accent and then they ask where I'm from and when I tell them they say they knew it was the south somewhere and then I come through the phone at them because it's only the 17th time I've had that very conversation today. I digress...

The other 4 don't do any mowing.

Wait, what?

A lawn service doesn't mow lawns? It seems to me that needing a lawn mowed might be the number 1 reason one would require a lawn service. Am I way off base here? That's like opening up a hair salon but not giving hair cuts. Maybe I should open up a daycare but not watch children. Fucking hell!

April 22, 2009

I've Got 14 More Years Of This Kind Of Thing, Don't I?

Is it truly my child's job to embarrass me? He should get paid, he's THAT good at it!

This weekend we were eating lunch at Red Lobster and one of the hosts was a little person. You didn't think this fact was gonna go unnoticed by Aidan, did you? A voice in my head told me no way, bitch, you are gonna be mortified very very soon. Yet, by some miracle of God we walked past him and were seated with nothing more than a sideways glance at the man.


Fast forward an hour to the end of the meal and time to go to the bathroom. The bathroom is right by the host/hostess station - of course - and as Aidan passed the man he turned around and said, "Mama, it's so nice of them to let that cute little boy play in this restaurant! Isn't that little boy cute, Mama? Mama, answer me, isn't he cute?!?!"

And there was that voice in my head again, told ya so, idiot, quit taking him out in public already!

April 21, 2009

This Is Why The French Hate Us

No doubt you've heard about this big dick waving popularity contest between Ashton Kutcher and CNN on Twitter. Something about who can get to a million followers first. And I guess Ashton stayed up late so he could wave the big dick flag online when he won. He won and he waved the flag. So let me get this straight, Dooce has more followers than Jesus and now Ashton Kutcher has more followers than CNN? There's something wrong with us, isn't there?

All that said, I'm on Twitter and I follower Ashton Kutcher and not CNN.

April 20, 2009

When Is A Quirk A Mood Disorder?

I know some of you think I exaggerate Aidan's "quirks". I don't. Just nibble on this little example of his absurd ridiculiousness.

Last night Mr was changing some light bulbs around the house. We decided to take a 3 way bulb out of a living room lamp so we were gonna switch it out with a bulb from a lamp that Aidan has in his room. So he goes up into Aidan's room and when he comes down he's grumbling about Aidan being a jerk. He said Aidan is all pissed off because he didn't want to switch bulbs and blah blah blah. I just rolled my eyes and forgot about it.

A few hours later we headed up to bed and at the top of the stairs I just lost it. Aidan had taken the light bulb out of the lamp and thrown it in the hall, unplugged the lamp and moved the whole lamp out there and locked his bedroom door. I thought Mr's head might possibly explode. And I almost choked to death laughing so hard.

What kind of damn 4 year old gets pissy over what light bulb is in his lamp?

April 18, 2009

Information I've Gained Thru StatCounter

I've done the "crazy internet searches" posts before but I'd like to exploit StatCounter in a different way. Aside from being able to see how sick, twisted perverts stumble upon your blog, you can also see where they are from and in some cases the name of the intranet and/or internet provider the reader is surfing from. It cracks me up to think of someone at some of these places reading some of the crap on my blog. Like...

-University Of California, Office Of The President - ooo la la, a big wig reading, hu?
-Cadence Chemical - no bomb recipes here and also I think you should give the chemicals your full attention, ok?
-Danger.com - you've come to the right place
-FreeMinds Child Welfare - oh shit!

I think the Chinese might be obsessed with Twitter b/c about 16 different searches for versions of "what the hell is twitter" came from cities in China.

I also now know that some sick bastard downloaded one of my pics to his computer.

55.5% of people who come to my blog stay 5 seconds or less. Really? You can tell that my blog sucks in 5 seconds? Asshole

Someone from the Russian Federation visits my blog several times a week.

Nobody from Montana or Rhode Island has ever visited my blog.

This is my most popular page in the last 6 months.

Tuesdays and Wednesdays are the days I get the most hits. On Fridays, I might as well not even exist

April 17, 2009

Reason #6429 I Am Done Having Children

I've been waiting to post about this until the rage subsided but damned if it doesn't boil up every single time I think about it. So what the hell.

Asher didn't seem to be feeling well this weekend so eventually at 11pm on Sunday night we took him to the ER. We means me and Aidan. A very tired and hyped up on Easter candy, Aidan. You see where this is going, don't you? But first, can I just say thank you Baby Jesus for the GPS? Cuz who the hell thinks it's funny to hide the damn hospital? Anyway, Asher needed to have a chest x-ray. Have you ever had to get an x-ray on a toddler? Have you seen this contraption called a pigostat? 

It looks awful but it is the only way to get the x-ray and get it quickly. Asher really wasn't bothered by it. He was just too dang tired and sick to give a damn. Aidan, on the other hand, pulled out the big guns in terms of biggest public freak out EVER. 

I'm not just talking in his history, I mean in all of history. That little (do you know how bad I want to say 'fucker' here?) jackass lost every bit of his damn mind. He screamed as loud as I've ever heard him scream, clawing and flailing around like he was on fire. Yelling do not touch brother, get away from my brother, I can only touch my brother, you better let my brother go right now... 

And I honestly couldn't get a handle on him. I finally had to drag him by his foot behind the corner so they could take the x-ray and sat on him. I seriously sat on him with all my weight - and I'm not a measly 105 (I know, you're shocked, right?). Even with me sitting on him he was bouncing me around like I was on that fucking bull in the bar from Urban Cowboy. 

The nurses around us just looked on in horror and I screamed *in my head* Hey, bitch! I'm losing this battle so maybe instead of backing away slowly you could grab a fucking sedative? I mean, damn, they take 'em down for far less than this in the movies. You've seen Girl, Interrupted, right? One Flew Over The Cukoo's Nest? Come on!

April 14, 2009

We're Not In Kansas Anymore, Toto

I rant and rave and berate and generally feel a sense of apathy for this place, my hometown. The smallness (and small mindedness), the backstabbing, the neverending gossip, the... nevermind, you get the idea. I'm not the only one from there who holds the same kind of contempt for the place. But right now I'm feeling very sentimental and protective of the place. My hometown is Mena, Arkansas and unless you've been living under a rock - or you just ignore any news out of Arkansas because you think all Arkansans are barefoot, uneducated, hillbillies and your prejudice (and by prejudice I mean your superiority complex) makes it hard for you to stop saying stupid shit and making idiotic comparisons in your vain attempt to prove that you are better than an Arkansan. You're not, mmkay? It doesn't make you look witty, it makes you look like an asshole. Now, where was I? Oh yes, if you didn't already know, Mena took a direct hit from an F3 tornado on Thursday April 9 at 8pm. I was on my way there and by some miracle, I chose to stop about 80 miles north at my sisters house cuz I just couldn't take the screaming and crying and nonsense from the backseat anymore.

For over 2 hours my sister and I called everyone we knew, every business we knew, the police station, the hospital, people we were sure we'd never speak to again just trying to get some word on our family and friends. The hospital told us pretty early on that when they last talked to my mom she was heading to the tornado shelter at the courthouse. That was comforting for about 2 minutes until we got word that the courthouse took a direct hit. I called my mom's cell 48 times and Freddy's cell nearly that much. We called her house and her business at least 30 times - it was terrifying! Finally we found out that they were ok. Got ahold of Ronda from Jacked Up Jungle and found out that she and her daughter were ok but their home and car had been hit. Ronda's mug made it onto the national news and she had me slingin' snot thinking of how damn scared they must have been.

It turns out all the people in Mena aren't spawned from some kind of gossip-spewing, sidewinding monster. The amount of unbelievable generosity from just the local people helping their neighbors was amazing. I lost count of the license plates of ordinary people who went and spent as much as they could afford to buy up all the supplies they thought could be used and drove to Mena to start handing them out free. The vans full of food driving around trying to feed everybody. The people on their hands and knees gathering up knick knacks and photos to hopefully return to their owners.

I cried 5 times when I was there. When we knew my family and friends were alive. When I actually saw my mother's truck with every window blown out and knew for sure that she could have been killed. When I saw so many people helping eachother - people who had their own homes to repair but chose to help their neighbor because his was worse. When my sister's friend called to say that when the tornado hit their mobile home and it crashed around them, she and her young son sang Jesus Loves The Little Children at the top of their lungs because she was sure they would both die. And the last time was when someone told us they drove by a house that was only a pile of rubble and on the front steps that once led to the front door, a very old woman stood clutching a blender and sobbing. If that doesn't choke you up, you have no heart. And we might be able to be friends. Shhhh. I'll email you later.

I cried for the people and what they lost - not their houses or their cars but their homes and what they worked their whole lives for. I cried for the sense of loss. I cried for what must have been unimaginable terror. I cried because this is one of a very few times I have felt proud of my hometown. Once was when the young people ran the KKK out of town. They had their signs and we had ours. They left. I was proud of Mena after the 1993 Tornado - which looks like a bitty windstorm compared to this.

I have hundreds of photos on Facebook and anybody can look at them from these links

This link is to my album filled with pictures of my parent's house, property and close by areas.

This link is to my album filled with pictures of all around town and out in the county.

April 9, 2009

Surely I'm Not The Only One With These Kinds Of Issues

I just got my Nebraska drivers license. Does it need to be said that I am thrilled to only have to do this once every four years? Or every time I move. Because mine usually resembles something really not good, okay?

So what do you do for your license picture? Do you smile? Smirk? Frown? I rolled my eyes once.

Note: Do not roll your eyes. It's funny for about 5 minutes and then you have to pay to get another one taken. And the guy taking the photo isn't amused. So he takes your picture at an upward angle cuz everyone knows a woman's photo should never be taken from that angle but he does it to be a prick because you were a prick for rolling your eyes in the first one and he's got you by the balls so you're screwed. Then you get the new license that makes you look like Attila The Hun.

Then you swallow hard and ask for the first one back because it's actually better and the bastard smirks and you're stuck with it. And you spend four years hoping to hell you don't get carded or pulled over cuz you'd almost rather go to jail or go without booze than pull out this shit.

April 6, 2009

It Was Bound To Happen

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a big sell-out. At least I'm selling out to some good things. The first is Net Nanny. I've heard great things about this parental control software. If my children were old enough for surfing the web you can bet your ass I'd have it on my computer. And when they do start getting online (you know, when they're 38?) they'll be doing so under a very watchful eye and Net Nanny. And probably some keystroke/email reader spyware. I'll be damned if I lose a kid to some pedophile piece of shit.

Anyway, if you have internet-age kids and don't have some kind of parental control software, go take a look at Net Nanny.

April 5, 2009

There's No Snowing In April!

It's 4:32am. I've been awake since 3am.

Why, you ask? Um, because it's APRIL and there's a freakin' blizzard raging outside! The wind *the God-forsaken wind here!* is absolutely howling and I don't know if it's just me or if the house is actually gonna come down any second. The screen door out to the deck in our room sounds like it's coming off the hinges and how the sam-Hell my husband is sleeping through that kinda makes me want to check to make sure he's still breathing. And when I see that he is I should shake him and scream, "Can't you hear that?!?! Make it stop!"

Now, I realize that I've been in the south basically my whole life and aside from a few ice storms, winter is just a little colder than the rest of the year. It snowed maybe once a year back home and when it did, everything shut down. That meant no school and all the milk and bread in the grocery store was gone. Here? I'd almost bet there's someone out walking their dog here right now. I'm pretty sure I'll be migrating south for the winters.

But wait, this isn't winter! Since when doesn't April equal sunshine and flowers? Is this for real? I can't wrap my southern mind around it.

More On The Giveaway

Just a reminder about entering the Blog Design Giveaway; If you don't have a blog or don't have your email available on your profile, please make sure you leave one in your comment. Or you can email me at momtomartians AT gmail.com so that I have it. If you win and I can't contact you, you lose. Capiche?

April 3, 2009

And This Is Why I Blog

Definately my favorite search keyword that led to this blog...

how to suck on a girls neck without giving hickeys

Stupid adolescents!

Giveaway Changes

Sara and I have made a change to my giveaway rules. So if you wanted to enter but took issue with the qualifying entry requirement, go read the change and reconsider. This is a really great giveaway prize and someone's gonna win, might as well be you!