March 30, 2009

500 Is A Buncha Damn Posts!

Holy hell, I made it through 499 posts without getting kicked off the damn internet! That's cause for celebration, don't ya think?

I asked for ideas to mark this occasion. Noone took me up on entering to win my children - cowards - but the awesome Sara at Ordinary & Awesome and Subjective Beauty has offered to sponser a giveaway of one of her fabulous blog designs. She did my design and I still go to my own blog just to look at it all the time because it's THAT awesome. The design package she is offering up is here, the $60 Custom Package. The custom blog design will include:

Custom Template (2 or 3 columns)
Custom Header (the sky is the limit)
Custom background
Navigation image (unlimited links)
Unlimited sidebar images
Social buttons (Twitter, Facebook, BlogHer, etc.)
Hosting space via her server
Button for linking (150x150)
Post signature
Email image
Post divider
Favicon (bookmark icon)
Flash animated greeting message

And, for anyone who enters the giveaway and does not win, simply for entering and following the rules, they may sign up for a Custom Blog Design at Subjective Beauty and receive 50% off their order. Sara's a pretty rockin' blog designer so $60 is a bargain but $30 for all that? Cannot be beat!

If you want to enter to win the Custom Blog Design you must go to, browse Sara's work, then come back here and comment which design you liked the best. This is the qualifying entry and it MUST be done to be eligible to win. It's really that easy. Now since I'm such a Mother Theresa, for extra entries you can also

  • Follow Subjective Beauty through Blogger and leave a separate comment saying you have or are following

  • Follow My Kids Might Be Martians and leave a separate comment saying you have or are following

  • Add Subjective Beauty's button to your sidebar/blogroll and leave a separate comment saying you added it or already had it

  • Add the My Kids Might Be Martians button to your sidebar/blogroll and leave a comment saying you added it or already had it

  • Follow Subjective Beauty on Twitter and leave a separate comment with a link saying you have or are following

  • Follow My Kids Might Be Martians on Twitter and leave a separate comment with a link saying you have or are following

  • Twitter about the giveaway (including a link to Subjective Beauty) and leave a separate comment with a link saying you did


Just to show off my math skills, that's a total of 8 possible entries. So get busy boys and girls, the giveaway ends on Friday April 10th at noon. I will announce the winner on Saturday April 10th here as well as by email to the winner. If the winner doesn't accept their fabulous prize within 48 hours a new winner will be chosen.

The other part of my Big 500 Anniversary is Peggy from Stir Crazy in the Suburbs will be interviewing me. She's shaking off a hangover as we speak but she'll have her assault ready for me soon. Be on the lookout for that.

March 29, 2009

Search Term Sunday

I thought Sunday would be a good day for another edition of "crazy shit people search the internet for that lands them on my blog". This series cracks me up and kinda scares the hell outta me, too.

I got slap happy - it's ok, it happens.

how do i got a hickey? - are you seriously asking "how"?

i'm about to kill this bitch 911 tape - I snort every time I think about that tape!

tissues wipe noses - yep, that's what they're for. are you really googling this?

can I see martians? - of course, honey, I hear they like corn fields. now run along so you don't miss them!

what to use when you have a hickey - try your damn head next time, hickeys are gross!

Funny martians - are there serious martians?

ways to cover up a hickey if your a boy - sweetie, unless your hickey is on a part of anatomy a girl doesn't have, the procedure is the same. and if you've got a hickey there you really don't need to cover it.

suck me with ice, suck me mama, oh suck me, etc... - *shaking head* what the hell kind of blog am I writing here?

hickeys on small children - you're a sick fuck!

martians chat - well, they're supposedly intelligent live forms so I bet they can.

what the hell is twitter (LIKE 17 DAMN TIMES!!) - oh for God's sake, google it like I did!

wtf you asshole - I know, right?!?!

ohemgee - I never actually say the whole Oh My God anymore, saying it this way is more chic, don'tcha think? Plus, then you're not technically taking the Lord's name in vain so it's a win win.

March 28, 2009

Who Can Help You?

Aidan taught me a song about getting help with things like buttoning your coat. I assumed it was something he learned at preschool but when he sang, "...if you need help you can call Rabock Omama!", I wasn't quite sure. He pumped his arm up and down when he said it and that made it cute as hell no matter what political party you affiliate yourself with. I still can't come up with a scenerio where they taught them to ask the President for help buttoning up your coat but whatever, they're the professional educators.

March 27, 2009

An Anniversary

My 500th post is fast approaching. That either means I'm a super-awesome blogger OR my children, house, laundry and husband are severely neglected. Let's not speculate, mkay? Most people do something like a giveaway or special post. All I've got to giveaway is a toddler and a 4 year old and I happen to be of the opinion that ALL of my posts are special. As do you all, right? So I'm asking for 500th post ideas. Don't disappoint me now.

March 26, 2009

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen things that kinda suck about this move.

1. The "where are you from" question, followed closely by "I knew it was somewhere in the south" comment.

2. Getting lost going to your own house.

3. New TV channels. I think that shit should be universal!

4. Hoping to holy hell there's not a dirty pair of underwear behind a door at the old house.

5. Sore legs because the old house didn't have stairs and the new one has about a thousand.

6. Gale force winds sending my ball cap flying off my greasy head and blowing it across the parking lot so I have to chase it, screaming and cussing like a mad woman.

7. Opening the bag of putrid dirty laundry I didn't get done before we left - 4 days earlier!

8. Arranging, rearranging, and rearranging furniture. Okay, I just dictate where it goes so technically it sucks for my husband.

9. Painting. Even though we haven't even started that, it will suck so it goes on the list.

10. Cleaning other people's cooking grease off the tile backsplash. Fucking eeewww!

11. Having to actually go to the store to get that milk I forgot instead of just running across the street to get it from Lenka.

12. The ginormous list of shit I want to buy for/do with this house. I mean, I actually like making the list, it's the "we can't do everything at once" killjoy Mr. Practical I'm married to that's the bummer part.

13. Not having a fenced yard to throw the kids and dog out into. Entertaining those brats is exhausting!

And yes, of course leaving all my friends and family behind blows but this isn't a pansy ass sentimental type of a post.

March 24, 2009

Sara's Guest Post

Ok ok ok. Sara here from Ordinary and Awesome. Sissy asked for guest bloggers, and I jumped at the chance to help her.

I am not sure if anyone else loves In Treatment on HBO, but I do. I do in a big bad way.

Well I saw the trailer for Season 2 and just about wet my pants. Oh course the first thing I said after I saw the trailer was, "Oh my gosh, three of the people in Season 2 played family members in the movie Dan in Real Life."

So, here we go. Celebrity nonsense goodness . . .

In the show In Treatment actress Dianne Wiest plays the therapist of Gabriel Byrne's character, who is also a therapist. He is the main character of the show, but I guess all therapists have to have a therapist of their own.

Well, in Dan in Real Life Dianne Wiest plays the wife of actor John Mahoney and the Grandma of young actress Alison Pill. Alison Pill and John Mahoney are two of Paul's (Gabriel Byrne) new patients in Season 2 of In Treatment.

Personally, I am really sad that I will never know how Sophie ends up (Season 1). However, Season 2 looks REALLY good.

The only thing I don't like already is that the show will not be on five days a week. Last season there were five patients and they each had their own day. Only towards the end did they designate one of the five days to Paul's session with his therapist. Based on the official website it looks like there are only four patients this season. Also, they seem to have it airing only two days a week.

Sundays will be Mia and April's (Alison Pill) days. Then Mondays will be Oliver, Walter (John Mahoney), and Gina's (Dianne Wiest) days. Gina's days are obviously Paul's therapy sessions, she is his therapist not the other way around. Also, from the preview it looks like Mia might not be a patient of Paul's either. It looks like she is an ex and might be a new love interest.

So, I won't have the comfort of knowing I have an awesome show to watch five days a week this season. I know it'll be wonderful, though. Even if it is only on two days a week. So, everyone set your DVR. Season 2 begins April 5th and 6th.

March 23, 2009

Zookeeper Guest Post

Sissy's got guest bloggers! A few of my faves have stepped up to fill the void while I'm out of internet service for a few days. I'm a consciencious bloggy girl, must keep the rabid fans happy. You guys think of yourselves as fans, right? Cuz I totally think of myself as a celeb. Play along, mkay?

Today's guest blogger is Sarah the Zookeeper. Sarah has two blogs - Mom Tips and Notes From the Zookeeper and Notes From the Toilet Bowl. She's awesome so be sure to go check out both of her blogs. Thank ya very much, Sarah!

As I've watched Sissy gear up for her Big Move, I've taken a trip down memory lane to the one time that we did a big (read truck required) move. Mo was about to turn two and Tuck was six months. We were only moving about 25 miles but it was still enough to make me want a tranquilizer. My friend was sweet enough to offer to let Mo spend the night the night before and was taking her to the zoo the next day. Tuck of course slept through the whole disaster in a pack and play. Beloved and I did the whole move ourselves. As in loaded, drove, and unloaded. By. Our. Selves.

We had the huge U-haul and it all went well until we got to our new house. We have an exceptionally steep driveway so when we parked the truck we were literally walking the stuff from the front of the truck up the hill then off loading them and carrying them up our stairs into our house. Here's a little something to think about this should you ever attempt it. As you unload a truck it will raise and lower in different places.

The heavier stuff was at the front of the truck thus making the back a little higher than the front. But as we unloaded that furniture the back of the truck of course lowered back to its original position. Anyone want to guess what happened to the truck? Oh yeah, baby! Stuck like Chuck in the middle of our new driveway. As in the back tires were completely off the ground and the truck was sitting on its tailgate and front tires. Can you think of a better way to introduce yourself to the neighborhood?

The whole front end of the truck was blocking the street through the neighborhood. The back end was litterally gouging a hole in our driveway (there are still scars to prove this). Let's add that the wee man has woken up and is screaming bloody murder and now Mo comes "home." She has been sitting in a stroller barfing her poor little innards up all day. So much so that my friend had to buy her a new shirt to replace the one I sent with her.

I'm sure at this point I really don't need to announce that I cried. Big, fat, huge, ugly face tears. Thankfully a neighbor two doors down had some boards and such that they leveraged under the wheels to get out - three hours later! They really don't talk to us much. You'd think three years would be enough to make some people forget but I guess when it's the HOA president it might last a little longer.

Every time I put more into this house I am more and more convinced that I will die in the basement. This little trip down memory lane just solidified my resolve. I'll be putting up my headstone in the front flower bed. "Here's lies Sarah. This is the house that killed her." Should do a lot for the resale value.

Good luck friend! I'll be packing up the moving day liquor later this afternoon.

March 21, 2009

A Repost Because I'm Lazy 4

Last night Aidan had his Daddy held hostage in our bedroom watching cartoons as he does most evenings. He had his play cell phone in there with him and they were taking turns on the phone "talking" to whoever they imagine is calling. So Aidan picks up the phone and the conversation goes like this...

"Heddo?!?! Oh, just watchin' Tom and Jerry and being a brat."

Ya think he hears his behavior described like that occasionally?

March 19, 2009

A Repost Because I'm Lazy 2

This one is from Aidan's 3rd birthday.

Today is Aidan's 3rd birthday! He's already had a celebration of sorts...when he got up he caught sight of a cupcake that I had sitting on my computer desk and insisted that he "needed" it for his birthday. Well, the kid's right, it's his birthday and I'm a sucker for that face he makes so yes, at 8am, I let my 3yr old eat a cupcake. So I'm checking emails and he's eating his cupcake quietly on the chair when I hear him squeal in delight "ooohhhh! I made a mess of my penis for my birthday!" Uh hu, he smeared cupcake and frosting all over his nether regions :) He's so wired up about his birthday party this evening, today should be an interesting day for us.

For Sale

Aidan wants to make a sign to hang on our fence. He told me exactly what he wants it to say.

Please buy this house cuz I wanna live with my Dad so please buy it today. Ok. Please. Thank you.

March 18, 2009

A Repost Because I'm Lazy

Since I'm up to my ass in bubble wrap and cardboard boxes I'll be implementing a "just repost stuff that I think is funny from way back before nobody but my mother read this blog". I'll get back on the bloggy ball soon. Don't be a schmuck and unfollow me cuz I'll know and when I'm in Nebraska all alone I'll have nothing else to do but be a petty little bitch about it.

I can't believe I'm about to tell everyone about this... I'm kind of an idiot. My first clue was last week while getting gas. I've successfully pumped my own gas for quite some time now, never really had to think much about it, I like to spend the time cursing oil companies. So I swipe my card, get approved, pick up the nozzle, and try to choose my grade of gas. Problem starts here. I want Regular but only the Diesel is flashing. I hit the Regular button, oh about a thousand times, before I slam the nozzle back in and cancel the transaction. "Stupid damn pump, what the hell?!?!" I jump in the truck, speed to the next pump, swipe my card, get approved, pick up the nozzle, and here we go again. Now the few people I've told this to seem to have figured out what's happening. If you have it figured out, I don't want to hear it! Just picture me holding the nozzle, wildly slapping the Regular button, glaring at the flashing Diesel light, and muttering the most vile 4-letter word combos imaginable. I was beyond irritated. So I decide to push the Attendant Help button and ask what the sam-hell is going on.

Attendant - "Can I help you?"

Me - "Uh, yeah, I need Regular gas but the Diesel is flashing and it won't let me choose anything else! What's wrong with it?"

Attendant - after a short pause, "Ma'am, you're holding the green Diesel nozzle, you have to use the black nozzle to get anything but Diesel."

Me - "Oh, okay."

Alright, enough laughing. If you wanna hear incident #2, seriously, quit laughing, this one's good! Yesterday I called Barnes & Noble to see if they had a book in stock. They said they did so I went to pick it up this morning. I'm looking where I think it should be - Asher's wiggling around and squealing like a piglet in my arms and Aidan's running around screaming like a lunatic. I'm pretending not to know him and act like I'm looking around for his irresponsible mother. It's just a fun game I like to play sometimes. Anywhooo, finally someone asks if they can help and he goes to look up the book. Then he tells me they don't have it in stock. "Really, I called yesterday and they told me they had it here! Did somebody buy the last one?" He says maybe they looked and saw that we can get it but it's not been in stock here for quite some time. Fine, whatever, idiots, so I've driven all the way out here with these two mini-psychos and you don't have the book now? Great! It's only after I've gathered the spawn and stomped back to the truck that I realize I'm at Borders, not Barnes & Noble. Alright, enough laughing. Really, quit laughing at me!

March 17, 2009

Bon Voyage, Sissy

I'm dedicating this to Lisa, Lenka, Ronda, Krissi, Paula, Kristin, and Toni.

On Saturday night those crazy chicas threw me a "see ya, sucker" shin-dig. We went to Olive Garden and pretty much emptied our side of the restaurant. We're kinda rowdy. And loud. And obnoxious. Just ask our waiter. Get a few Bellinis in us and we lose all sense of what is acceptable behavior in public.

At one point I'm pretty sure Paula's lips made contact with Ronda's boobs. I haven't gotten that particular photo forwarded to me yet. Don't go getting all shy on me now, girls. There was massive poking of Lisa's boobs. Really, who the hell wears a padded bra when they're already a Double D? She deserved it! And I can't be sure but I think Krissi tried to pimp out Lenka's Czech accent to her husband. I guess when you're the hot foreign chick, you just gotta deal with that shit.

I am leaving on Saturday. I'm sad. Some of us have been friends since high school and some of us came together only within the least few years. This is my first group of mom friends. Friends that I actually made, as opposed to those people who became my friends after working with me because let's face it, I'm not the easiest girl to befriend. Usually, unless you are forced to spend time with me, you don't. Maybe times are changin'? Let's just hope lightening strikes twice cuz I don't know a soul in our new town.

March 12, 2009

You Are What You Eat

I was looking over Aidan's preschool evaluation when I realized we truly have a problem.

Under the heading PHONOLOGICAL AWARENESS/PRINT KNOWLEDGE; Recognizes Environmental Print is checked and examples of this is written; Tootsie Rolls, Cheez Its, Goldfish Crackers, and Mc Donalds.

What have I created? I am truly ashamed.

March 10, 2009

Workin' For Mama

Aidan to me (at the grocery store) - "Mama, do we have any lemonade?"

"No, I don't think so but we can get some."

"Okay, yeah, I need some lemonade. I'm gonna have a Lemonade Stand and sell a whole bunch of lemonade so we can pay for that big, expensive house you want, Mama."

"You'll have to sell a lot of lemonade to pay for a house."

"I told you I know! The house you want is really expensive so I've got a lot of work to do. And Daddys got to work, too, to buy you an expensive house."

"Oh, your Daddy would loooove to hear this conversation."
That's right folks, the perfect house has landed in our laps and things are just falling into place. We are moving in 2 weeks! Actually, 10 days. On March 20th we load up and say good bye to Arkansas. Which I couldn't possibly care less about. My friends on the other hand.. I have no desire to say goodbye to them. But such is life. I suppose another miracle could happen and I might make some new friends.

March 8, 2009

Oh Em Gee...

This is a little tribute post to my husband. I'm gonna kinda razz him because #1. He doesn't get enough blog-time since he started to preface every conversation with "this stays out of the blog", and #2. I miss him. He was supposed to be able to come home this weekend but it didn't work out. I have sort of an unnatural attachment to that man so being separated so much makes me kinda pissy.

Contrary to popular belief, my husband is quite the foul mouth, smart-ass. Everyone thinks he's so quiet and polite and just so fucking perfect - I'm talking to YOU, Mother. Well, he can string together some four letter words to rival my colorful vocabulary as proven by this post. And just sit back and watch him try to assemble a Rhino at midnight the night before Aidan's birthday. Yeah, and MY temper's legendary. Whatev.

He's not all bad though. He's mastered the art of smart-assyness (shut it. my blog, my words) and that holds a dear place in my heart. Like when he mocks my pending vegetarianism and tells me I better have cancer over being pregnant again. Or the time I was complaining that my friend, Lenka, was going to be away on vacation for 6 weeks and he instantly puts his hand up to his mouth and says, "Oh Em Gee, what are you gonna do without your Bee Ef Ef for 6 weeks?" And then I asked him, "Oh Em Gee, where am I gonna hide your body?"

March 7, 2009

Slap Happy

Out of the clear blue Aidan just said to me, "I wish my Daddy was here so he could slap you for being mean to me."

Uh, what?!?!

"Yeah, I'm starting to like him because you're mean to me."

This morning he told Asher if he didn't leave his sausage alone he was gonna "slap that pacifier out of your mouth".

Aidan has a bandage on his toe from the big Toe Injury a couple weeks ago. Asher was playing on the floor when he looks up and notices the bandage. I watched him decide and then proceed to walk over and grab ahold of the toe and squeeze it as hard as he could.

Clearly we all need some time apart.

March 6, 2009

I'm About To Kill This Little Bitch

If you have normal kids, you won't understand this. It's a 911 tape of a mother losing. her. shit. because her 15 year old son has pissed her off so bad. I'm warning you - it is foul. I dare you to try to count the F bombs. She says some awful stuff about her kid and makes some serious physical threats to him. If you are the least bit faint of heart, just don't listen because you WILL be offended. I'm not advocating behaving like this but holy hell, I can understand her desperation. I laughed until I cried because well, it's funny. I don't wanna hear any bitching about how awful it is (yes, it's awful) and shame on me for laughing (yes, shame on me) and what kind of person are you (the kind who voted for Obama) because I warned you. And this is my blog and I'll post what I want to so STFU.

March 5, 2009

There's Disagreement And Then There Is The Abyss

Wow, talk about taking out some frustration...damn! If you've read the comments on my big controversial post about Obama bashing you know there were 4 people who don't support Obama who voiced their opinions in the comments. The other 16 people who had something negative to say chose to send me a nasty email. Email is better than Anonymous cuz at least I could respond if I chose to but why not put yourself all out there for the savage Democrats to devour? I mean if you feel strongly enough about it to call me a n!$$er lover in an email, why not bring it full force? Oh yeah, cuz racists are inherently pansy ass cowards, that's why. Now those who put their opinions in the comments, I published every single one. Only one was someone I didn't know and while I bristled at the condescending tone of the first comment by her I realize I'm pretty damn condescending myself and I need to suck it up and hit publish.

I'd like to say to the 5 people (Katharyn, Bennie, J, NoBamaMama, and Joley) who used the N word in their email to me - this will be my only response to you. I won't give you the opportunity to spew your bullshit my way anymore. Maybe someone else will take the bait. I don't know how you function day to day carrying that much hate, it must be exhausting.

March 4, 2009

Jesus Twitters!

I started following Jesus on Twitter the other day. Did you know He Twittered? Well, He does. I got this Direct Message from Him today

Thanks for the follow ! I love you!! ~Jesus

On a side note: Jesus has about 1600 followers on Twitter. Dooce has 157,000 followers. Does anyone else see something wrong with that?

March 3, 2009

I've Held It In As Long As I Could

Why isn't this shit going away? Bitterness and hatred doesn't look good on anyone. Barack Obama is the President of the United States. He won. The other guy lost. It's done. If you are really so very opposed to supporting the man then I assume you will be refusing any money that you may get by way of stimulus packages, tax breaks, etc... No? I didn't think so. And by the way, don't preface your objections about him with I'm not racist/prejudiced but... Shut the fuck up! If you have to clarify that you are not a biggot, you are, mkay? If it's really not about him being black, why bring that up at all?

Now, obviously I'm a supporter. But do I support everything he and the Democrats support? No. For instance, I totally disagree with more gun laws. All stricter gun laws accomplish is to make it more difficult for those gun owners who already abide by the law. The average asshole punk will still get his gun from the trunk of a car in an alley to rob that liquor store. I'm baffled by the inability for lawmakers to see how simple and obvious that concept is. I'm not sure I agree with the Iraq exit strategy. I'm not with them on abortion. But he seemed the best person to handle the big picture. You know, the big picture? That's what you can see when you get over your own bullshit.

You can't have it all. Your precious McCain couldn't have made the world all rosy by now either. You are so convinced Obama is a socialist terrorist - which, by the way he couldn't possibly be both of those - you somehow find it acceptable to speak to his supporters (ME) as if they were idiot children. I've said before I wouldn't fight with a friend over politics but if you are truly my friend, dig deep and try to be respectful of my beliefs as I am of yours. I wouldn't want you to have a fucking stroke over it.

And just to clarify - this is directed at everyone and noone. If you have given me shit on this subject, it's safe to assume you helped inspire this post but don't get your knickers in a wad. I've said to you what I wanted to and this is just bonus.

March 2, 2009

This Actually Happened

I'm thinking we should be second guessing our choice of preschool for Aidan after getting an email from the teacher this evening. The subject line said...

ERGENT for students who stay for Lunch

I swear on my laptop, ERGENT was capitalized - I didn't do that for dramatic effect. I'm waiting for the follow-up email where she realized the mistake. I mean, surely she knows that's misspelled, right? Holy hell...

Sing Like Nobody's Listening

This is long but totally worth it. That kid of mine is hysterical!

March 1, 2009


Kid Sister and I took Aidan, Asher, Jayden, and Julyan to see Coraline on Saturday. We were supposed to meet Lisa and Skylee but I'm somewhat of an idiot. It was only after we walked in to see that the movie started 20 minutes before and searching frantically for Lisa and our saved seats that I realized I had come to the wrong theater. So we watched together by text. Which means they got to see the naked old ladies on the flying trapeze 20 minutes after we picked our jaws up off the floor.

Oh, I'm not even kidding. Fat, very well endowed, very scantily clothed old ladies. And I've been scouring the internet trying to get a picture to post but damn if I could find one. I came upon some nasty shit while searching for "naked fat old ladies", "Coraline naked old ladies", and "naked, fat, trapeze ladies". Can you imagine the searches that will lead the pervs to my blog now?

I've taken Asher to several movies and he's always done really well. This time I count ourselves lucky we weren't politely escorted from the premesis. He threw his pacifier, his cup, his socks - one by one, his blanket, his sucker (I don't want to hear it!) and my cell phone at the poor people behind us. He stood up and squealed and jabbered and grunted and was basically a huge pain in the ass. That shit goes unnoticed at the Tuesday morning dollar show that every daycare in the city shows up to but it didn't go over so well Saturday afternoon.

Anyway, the older kids liked the movie. Jayden covered his eyes a time or two. There were some parts that I could imagine my 5 year old self peeing a little but Aidan watches Monster House and this was no more scary.

So the moral of this story is double check which theater your movie is actually playing at, don't take an 18 month old baby no matter how damn cute he is, and do a little research on the movie beforehand so that fat, naked, flying trapeze ladies don't make you choke on your popcorn.