February 24, 2009

Maybe Not A Good Strategy But A Strategy None-the-less

I really wanna be calm and be happy and celebrate Anna but truthfully, I'm not going to. I'm gonna be sad. I don't know how not to be sad about her. I am happy, I laugh, and smile and play with the boys, really I'm pretty happy. But I'm sad, too. Anna isn't forgotten by me and those close to me but she's absent. And almost noone notices.

I don't release butterflies or organize memory walks. Those things are great but just not my thing. The only thing I know to do is cry for her. I wish that I could just lay in bed with a bottle of Ambien and sleep straight thru the 26th. I don't want to act happy. I don't want to go to the grocery, answer my phone or get the mail. But life happens and on Feb 26 this year Aidan goes to preschool and Asher and I will run our errands. It'll be a day like every other day for the boys. If you try to call me or invite me somewhere, don't take offense when I say, no. I just want to make it thru the day.

I'm almost hoping for an appearance from Anonymous. Let her say something stupid and mean and I'll unleash piercing raw grief and hopefully make her feel for a second or two how I feel on February 26th. On second thought, the bitch better take February off.

14 comments:

Stacie said...

forgive me, who is anna?

I am sorry you're feeling so sad, sounds like you miss her something terribly... :(

Mama Bee said...

I just caught up with your old posts and while I have nothing eye-opening to provide to you, I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and I can't even imagine that sort of pain. We're trying to conceive our 2nd right now and all these stories have me scared shitless!

I'll hug my little girl a little closer and longer tonight because of your story. Thank you for sharing with all of us!

Funny in my mind said...

I just went to your archives and read about Anna. I am so sorry. I can not imagine. You need to cry, scream, whatever. Buy her an outfit and donate it to charity, or make a dog ot catfood donation to the Humane Society in her name. Try to make something good out of something awful.She would love it, and is smiling down on you, I have no doubt.
Or just take the day and grieve. I'll be thinking of you!

laurie said...

deal with it the way you need to deal with it. no one should be judging that. it's your grief and your loss. only YOU can decide what gets you through. we all do what we can on that day......I miss Anna being here too.

laurie said...

my message for annonymous....BACK OFF. have a little compassion.

Miss Blondie said...

I think its ok to be sad and to want to cry. Everyone grieves in their own way. Honestly, i would probably feel the same way you do. At least you keep her memory alive...stay strong!!

Krissi said...

You have been on my mind all week long! Here's hoping that the 26th comes and goes as fast as possible this yr!!

Shannie said...

Hugs to you, sister. I can't imagine. Screw the others. You do what you gotta do on this day.

~aj~ said...

You've been on my mind time and time again this month. I can't imagine getting through the day without your Sexy Beast.

I know I don't fully understand. I know I won't have the right words to say. But PLEASE call me if you need me at ANY time.

xoxo

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry.

I'm not sure I have any words that would help, but I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Karol said...

I'm sorry. I hope you have some alone time to deal however you want.

~Ronda~ said...

Can you hire a sitter and sleep thru the day, that would be my best bet? All kidding aside, I'll be thinking of ya tomorrow, and you both will be in my prayers!!

Devilpup00 said...

So who is anonymous? What is the fun of beating her up unless the friends can join in too? Unless I am anonymous.LOL. Well a trip to target is in order for the morning, and maybe a margarita for you at lunch?
You should learn to sew or knit or something and donate little blankies to the hospital. Of course your sons certainly don't need knitting needles laying around so maybe not.

Jessica said...

Love you, sis.