February 24, 2009

Maybe Not A Good Strategy But A Strategy None-the-less

I really wanna be calm and be happy and celebrate Anna but truthfully, I'm not going to. I'm gonna be sad. I don't know how not to be sad about her. I am happy, I laugh, and smile and play with the boys, really I'm pretty happy. But I'm sad, too. Anna isn't forgotten by me and those close to me but she's absent. And almost noone notices.

I don't release butterflies or organize memory walks. Those things are great but just not my thing. The only thing I know to do is cry for her. I wish that I could just lay in bed with a bottle of Ambien and sleep straight thru the 26th. I don't want to act happy. I don't want to go to the grocery, answer my phone or get the mail. But life happens and on Feb 26 this year Aidan goes to preschool and Asher and I will run our errands. It'll be a day like every other day for the boys. If you try to call me or invite me somewhere, don't take offense when I say, no. I just want to make it thru the day.

I'm almost hoping for an appearance from Anonymous. Let her say something stupid and mean and I'll unleash piercing raw grief and hopefully make her feel for a second or two how I feel on February 26th. On second thought, the bitch better take February off.
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