February 8, 2009

Dear Sir

Dear Pain In The Ass Who's Trying To Buy Our House,

You are pissing me off. I know I'd cut up a puppy to get this house sold but you're pushing it. Why in God's name do you need to look at our house 4 times? Do you think we're secretly adding on a room or that somehow the floor plan is fluid and something is gonna be different? I swear, there are no structural changes planned. We would have put that in the contract. You wanna back the fuck off now? Cuz I'm not letting you in again.

The next thing I'd like to discuss with you is your shitty timing. Why must you always need to see the house during naptime? I know you're two hundred years old but do you remember having small children? You are taking away the only thing that keeps me sane during the day. So knock it off!

Something else you should know is that there are laws against stalking. I'm not sure how they apply to houses but if I see you parked down the street again, I'm gonna find out. I understand loving a house and needing to look at it, really, I do. I drove by our first house seven times a day until we closed on it. But notice I said "drove by". It's kind of creepy seeing you sit in that car watching. You wanna knock that shit off? Pretty please?

Finally, if you love our house and you want to buy our house so much that you've looked at it 4 times, interrupted our schedules, and gave me the heebie jeebies by house stalking us then why in the sam hell would you make such a ridiculous, lowball, insulting offer? I'd kinda like to bitch slap you for that one. Noone in their right mind would accept that offer. And I'd shove your 2nd offer down your throat if we didn't need to sell this house so badly.

The point I'm getting to is that you're on thin ice, Gramps. I'm just bitchy enough to cut you and your cracker jack realtor off and wait for another buyer. You can go buy that piece of shit house down the road, I'm about done.

Thanks a bunch,
Mrs. Inconvenienced Homeowner
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