February 8, 2009

Dear Sir

Dear Pain In The Ass Who's Trying To Buy Our House,

You are pissing me off. I know I'd cut up a puppy to get this house sold but you're pushing it. Why in God's name do you need to look at our house 4 times? Do you think we're secretly adding on a room or that somehow the floor plan is fluid and something is gonna be different? I swear, there are no structural changes planned. We would have put that in the contract. You wanna back the fuck off now? Cuz I'm not letting you in again.

The next thing I'd like to discuss with you is your shitty timing. Why must you always need to see the house during naptime? I know you're two hundred years old but do you remember having small children? You are taking away the only thing that keeps me sane during the day. So knock it off!

Something else you should know is that there are laws against stalking. I'm not sure how they apply to houses but if I see you parked down the street again, I'm gonna find out. I understand loving a house and needing to look at it, really, I do. I drove by our first house seven times a day until we closed on it. But notice I said "drove by". It's kind of creepy seeing you sit in that car watching. You wanna knock that shit off? Pretty please?

Finally, if you love our house and you want to buy our house so much that you've looked at it 4 times, interrupted our schedules, and gave me the heebie jeebies by house stalking us then why in the sam hell would you make such a ridiculous, lowball, insulting offer? I'd kinda like to bitch slap you for that one. Noone in their right mind would accept that offer. And I'd shove your 2nd offer down your throat if we didn't need to sell this house so badly.

The point I'm getting to is that you're on thin ice, Gramps. I'm just bitchy enough to cut you and your cracker jack realtor off and wait for another buyer. You can go buy that piece of shit house down the road, I'm about done.

Thanks a bunch,
Mrs. Inconvenienced Homeowner

11 comments:

Sara Bonds said...

Geez. It sounds like you are dealing with a royal pain. I hope he either buys or gets lost.

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

This guy sounds like a wonderful person to work with, (I say that in the most sarcastic way possible). I am going to keep my fingers crossed that he just hurries his ass up and buys the house so that you can be done with him...and the house!

Funny in my mind said...

Just walk over there to his car, jerk him out, grab hime by the throat and say "when we go, the meth lab goes with us, and our customers too!"
Sorry, I don't know where that came from. You want to sell, so that would be counterproductive- but funny

Stacie said...

wow, what a mess

CynthiaK said...

What a freak! As if selling your house with young children isn't enough of a pain in the arse...

Good luck with all that! And, I hope crazy old man lays off.

Michelle said...

Yuck! I can only imagine how frusturating that would be! I hope it goes quick. How about 3 week escrow?

Jenners said...

Ewwwwww...4 times and at naptime? Seriously,that is not right. And to park down the street and stay there? Weird and creepy. I hope this gets resolved and you can get out of there.

All that being said, I found this incredibly amusing...though the situation is not.

Devilpup00 said...

Hehe maybe if you threw the kids in with the house he would leave you alone. Could you imagine old people and Aidan?

Funny in my mind said...

http://www.cityrag.com/main/index02.html

did you see this in Cityrag?

Ordie O. said...

I bet he's Anonymous and he's doing it deliberately to retaliate for the mean things you said to him in your blog. You've got it coming, if it is. And if he's really just a buyer, don't freak about him sitting down the street and looking at your house. I've done it a million times. Don't you remember growing up how we had to drive past places all the time and I've even been known to stop and go inside with nobody there only they were empty but I'm just saying. I even brought a thermos of coffee once and my journal. Some of us just get attached a little prematurely.

Kritta22 said...

Amen.

I'll help you take him out.