February 5, 2009

Close Call

I spotted him 2 seconds too late. He was hiding which is way unfair in my opinion. I was only going about 15mph over the speed limit, no biggie. I immediately slammed on the brakes. You know, as if to say I repent, oh one with the ticketbook who holds the fate of my insurance rates in his hands. But the prick pulled out right behind me and rode my ass.

Shit! How am I gonna get out of this?

Two options immediately came to mind, The Bimbo and The Scare Him With The Kids. Well hell, for once in their entire existence the boys were not screaming, kicking, or throwing shit. I've got some kind of backward ass luck, don't I? Demon kids vs Police Officer is out.

That leaves The Bimbo. In order to pull off The Bimbo you need to employ some severe eyelash batting and utter some twit phrase like, How 'bout we forget this ever happened, big boy? But then I thought about him responding with a blank stare and Ma'am, can I see your license and registration? which is code for Shut the fuck up, frump! That shit only works if you're a hot chick with cleavage. And then I'd be all, Whatev, Neanderthal! and things could go real bad from there.

Damn, I'm gonna get a fat ticket!

I've been told by police officers that they decide before they ever pull out whether or not the driver is getting a ticket. So I knew when he followed me and made not one, but two turns with me without turning on the blue lights that he was having a hearty laugh at the only idiot on the road actually going 25mph.

And by the way, 25mph is a speed that should only be set for neighborhoods and school zones not the busy ass road in front of Target, mkay?

Laugh it up, Officer Fucks With People, I'll take the increased heartrate over a ticket any day.


Unknown said...

I am sure he was peeing himself in a fit of laughter. Someday I would like to do a job where I make someone else need a pants change.

Brandy Wilcoxen said...

All of my close calls have been that way. Luckily, not tickets yet though.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I always get the ticket if I'm pulled over. I just can't seem to muster up the tears when I need them. Who knows if they'd actually work...

Jessica said...

OH you CAN NOT speed in Lincoln, I swear, it SUCKS! I guess it's the tax money that pays for more cops and I just wanna go somewhere that has EXTREMELY low taxes b/c low taxes = less cops. :) Here they have nothing better to do but hide, out of their car, behind a building! Have fun, sis.

TuTu's Bliss said...

LOL hysterical. Oh my! Where have you been all my bloggy life?