December 31, 2009

A Forgotten Gem

I was doing the MY YEAR IN STATUS ON FACEBOOK application and came across this oh so very me.

Amanda is... Welcome back to Arkansas, Amanda - a tornado destroyed your home town. Thank God only my moms house was damaged, everyone we know is safe. Mother Nature


Facebook Mobile limits characters so it automatically continued as a new update

Amanda is... kind of a bitch!

Then, hours later when I got to a computer and saw what I had done

Amanda is... Facebook Mobile punked me! I wrote Mother Nature is a bitch, not me!

December 30, 2009

It's Possible - Although Not Likely - That I Overreacted. Possibly!

Yes, I have pulled my rant - and I do mean a vile filled rant - on DreamShades.com even though I was really proud of it. I got an email from someone with the word "dreamshades" in their email address, and it seems it's possible I might actually get these someday.
I still have a little twinge of a feeling that I will not. However, look for a retooled version to come out in any case because I'm still livid at the customer service. I'm angry that I spent all that time worried sick that I had lost all that money, that I had been scammed, that somewhere in New York City someone was laughing their ass off at me. Yes, I'm aware they most certainly are laughing at me now but if they're laughing because I reacted like a crazy person over nothing, fine by me. But laughing at me because I'm reacting like a crazy person over getting scammed while spending my money, not okay by me.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

December 29, 2009

Me and DreamShades.com Are Gonna Brawl

I really think myself pretty internet savvy. I've never once fallen for the fake Facebook or MySpace login page, I know which security seals to look for, I've never once been scammed online... 

Well Merry Fucking Christmas to me! Yeah, that honor goes to DreamShades.com. I've wanted a new pair of eyeglasses for months. I spotted an amazing pair for an obscene amount at my eye doctor's office. So I started searching online for the best price. I found a better price than at DreamShades.com but the site was shady and I wasn't about to go punching in my credit card number like an idiot. I researched Dreamshades.com like crazy. I found pages of good reviews like this one where they even responded to the few negative reviews and this one full of good reviews. I didn't find any complaints lodged against them. I looked them up on Google and there's a store with phone number, address, and map, a post on AuthenticForum.com looked good, TheFind.com lists them as sellers... the list goes on and on. I felt absolutely comfortable ordering from them.

So I used every red cent of my Christmas money and possibly a little of my husband's Christmas money and placed my order the day after Christmas. As soon as I hit send I realized I didn't get a chance to put in my prescription or my eye doctor information so I sent a quick email to both email addresses I could find - sales@dreamshades.com and dreamshadessales@gmail.com - asking how to get them the info. Their business hours are Mon through Fri 9am to 5pm so I didn't expect to hear anything back until yesterday. Yesterday morning I started calling (888-820-8304). You get an automated sounding system saying Thank you for calling Dreamshades.com, please hold blah blah and then 5 seconds of holding and you get We're sorry, we can't answer your call right now, please leave name and phone number blah blah blah. I called them 56 times yesterday. I left 8 messages. I sent 6 emails. After business hours their phone prompt changes to Please call back between the hours blah blah blah. I've called 18 times today. Once I got distracted and didn't hang up immediately and the voice prompt starts telling me to press 3 to send, press 4 to send as urgent, etc... like a cell phone does! If I wasn't positive I got scammed before, the fact that I've been calling a damn cell phone for 24 hours kinda sealed the deal for me. $231 GONE. Just gone.

In between shooting off scathing emails and relentless calling yesterday, I did some more research. And I found this. At which point I freaked out and called my bank to see if I could cancel the transaction since it was still pending. No dice. We canceled my debit card so they can't steal the other $30 we've got left. Fuckers.

I know criminals are pretty inventive and if they used their brains for anything other than scamming people they could be useful members of society. It seems Dreamshades.com has gone to some insane lengths to appear legit. The automated phone answering system, the site looks awesome, good reviews around the net, I got a legit-looking email receipt, even my bank said it doesn't look like the fakes they've seen. But the whole ignoring all attempts to contact them kinda negates all the rest.


Now here's the thing. I am the wrong person to cross. I will hold a grudge like not many people can and I do not give up on exacting revenge easily. One of Dreamshades.com's responses to a negative review mentioned that the customer called screaming at the staff like a crazy person. They have no perception of crazy. But they soon will. Since I'm pretty sure it's a cell phone I've started texting them as well. I'm going to join every online business rating site I can find and rip them a new asshole all over the internet. Between Facebook, Twitter, and the blog they are gonna wish they'd have never taken my money.

If by some miracle of God it turns out they just didn't get 15 emails and 10 messages and accidentally deposited my money into their bank account without first shipping my glasses that they magically made with my prescription without actually getting my prescription, which will happen as soon as I hit publish according to the way things go for me I'll be glad to say my bad, I take it all back, sorry for the crazy emails, messages, and texts, nasty Twitter and blog posts about your company but your customer service SUCKS! The very least you could have done was send an email to the effect of Ok, Crazy Lady, we got your messages, we'll get to you, don't have a stroke. That, I could respect. Shady, thieving, scamming, lying, and taking my Christmas present and money, not so much. What else am I supposed to do? I'm just sick. And pissed. So pissed that I've cried about it, which pisses me off even more.

So the moral here is don't use Dreamshades.com. Better to give your money to someone you know will use it to buy crack to smoke. Just sayin'.


UPDATE: I just got an email from them From a completely different email address simply saying
Dear Amanda,
Thank you very much for you order. Unfortunately we cannot proceed with your order because we have not received your prescription information.
Please scan and reply to this email or simply fax it to the fax number below.
Best Regards,
DreamShades.com Order Processing Team
Sales@DreamShades.com
http://www.dreamshades.com
Phone: (888) 820-8304
Fax: (866) 845-0233

Um, duh!!! and are ya kidding me? What the hell is wrong with you people? Best regards? My best regards haven't even begun, son! I'm not convinced I'll ever see my glasses or my money again. We shall see.

PS
Please read the rest of my posts about dreamshades.com by clicking on the link on the sidebar. While dreamshades.com is a legit company and I did receive my glasses in the end, there is much, much more to this story.

Things I Will Probably Fail At In 2010

Who's thinking about their New Years Resolutions on Christmas Eve? You guessed it, I am was. It's now days later that I'm actually finishing this post.

You might as well expect my usual resolutions - Keep Aidan out of juvie, don't let Asher eat inanimate objects that will not pass without medical intervention, and as usual - reduce the size of my ass.

I will not get into Twitter fights with ignorant, heartless, arrogant bitches. I'm sure they're going through their own shit and even if I hope nothing ever turns out right for them ever again, I will not say so on Twitter. Note: this resolution does not apply to my blog.

I will stop badgering my husband to trade in his truck and buy me a new Acadia leaving him to drive my truck. Even if it means moving my seat up every single time we get in or out of the thing to let the kids out of the back seat. Even if it means not letting anyone ride in the passenger side when it's cold because frigid air rushes through some invisible hole in the door. Even if it means never drinking a pop or God forbid, hot chocolate while driving because there are essentially NO shocks left on the thing. Even if it means... Ya know what? Scratch that, I want a new car! If I don't get it by Summer, then I'll stop. It can be more of a Half-Year Resolution.

I will try and I have to say try because this will be very difficult for me to complete a load of laundry from hamper to put away in a timely manner. One load can take upwards of 5 days. Here's why. When I finally put the clothes in the washer, I almost always have to rewash at least once sometimes 3 times because I've left them in long enough to stink the wet stink. Then, when they get in the dryer I very often will leave them there for 2 or 3 days before I move them from the dryer to the dining room table. Then they sit there for a day or so before I start folding them. At least a day on the table folded and that means by the time we wear them again it goes something like this... I will try to cut that down to 2 days max from hamper to put away. And maybe I'll iron the Mr's shirts and pants only when necessary. If I can figure out how to work the iron. Shut up, he knew what he was getting into before he married me.

I will not seek out voodoo dolls and witch doctors to perform hexes on CitiMortgage anymore. It's a fruitless search anyway.

I will stop buying Aidan a toy at every store we go to, every single time we go. It's Asher's year. Kidding. Kinda. But they have the entire basement full of toys. FULL. I could take 3/4 of them and they wouldn't even notice. And even if they did, they think a gnome comes and cleans their playroom. That way I don't get blamed when and if they do notice something missing. Now that's creative parenting.

What are your New Year's Resolutions? And if you don't make New Year's Resolutions because it's an arbitrary date to make positive changes in life and most people don't stick to them and you are already perfect, no need to let me know that cuz I did not make a resolution not to call out arrogance and stick-up-your-ass-ness here on the blog.

December 28, 2009

Decoding Dreams

Here's the dream as he told it to me...

"I had this really intense, crazy dream this morning. You killed someone. You cut them up and put them into 4 garbage bags and somehow that was the end of your involvement. I had to get rid of it. People I didn't know were helping me and these other people were chasing me. We were hiding out in a orphanage, amongst the kids and it was just nerve-wracking and crazy as hell!"

Let's translate the underlying meanings here...

You killed someone - I'm married to a woman capable of anything and she scares me.

You cut them up and put them into 4 garbage bags... - I'm married to a tidy and organized lunatic and she scares me.

...and somehow that was the end of your involvement. I had to get rid of it. - I'm forever finishing shit my wife starts and cleaning up her messes.

We were hiding out in an orphanage, amongst the kids, and it was just nerve-wracking and crazy as hell. - Our kids are nerve-wracking and crazy as hell (I blame my wife for this) and both she and they scare me. I'm scared.
NOTE: The next night I dreamed I was on trial for murder. Of 3 men. And I only actually killed 2 of them. Oh, the injustice was killing me! My husband says I should analyze that dream but I fear the results would scare him even more.

December 27, 2009

Christmas Mornin'

Aidan started waking us up at 1:57am asking if it was time to open presents yet. Are you kidding me, kid?

5:12am? No

6:10am? Still not time.

6:40am I woke up out of a dead sleep and remembered where I stashed some gifts I couldn't find the night before. Apparently Aidan heard me come back up the stairs and got up. Next thing I know I hear him running up the stairs squealing as quietly as he could and run into his bedroom to bury his head in his pillow and let his excitement out. In a moment of weakness because it was kinda cute, I finally relented and we all got up. 

December 24, 2009

Santa's Got Some 'Splainin' to do....

Aidan listened to I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus today for the first time ever. Or this is the first time he ever paid attention. So about mid-song he stops, curls up his lip into a perfectly disgusted sneer and says - and I quote - Santa needs to get his priorities straight!

Can 5 year olds really talk like that? I don't even know what to say. I just don't know what to say... I'm so... I....

December 23, 2009

Talk About Procrastination

Okay all ye faithful readers, gimme your best stocking stuffer ideas for your husbands and small kids. And yes, I'm aware it's Christmas Eve Eve and I don't have stocking stuffers. I don't even have sockings to tell you the truth. I can't find them. Don't judge, just give me some assistance.

December 22, 2009

Famous Potato Soup

8-10 medium potatoes, peeled and chopped
1/3 medium onion, chopped finely
1 can cream of chicken soup
8oz cream cheese, softened
3 cans (45oz) chicken broth

Mix cream of chicken soup, chicken broth, and cream cheese with wire whisk. Add potatoes and onion. Cook in crock pot on low 8-10hrs or on high 4-5hrs. Mash up some of the potatoes at the end to make soup thicker. Sprinkle cheddar cheese and bacon on top. Serve it with homemade bread and people will totally think you're an awesome cook!

December 17, 2009

Things I Just Shake My Head At

Aidan comes to me out of the blue yesterday and asks me, "Mama, how do you spell 'you are disgusting' ?" I'm afraid to find out who he's writing to...

December 15, 2009

Aidan's 1st Letter to Santa




Dear Santa,

How many elves do you have. I want a Wii for Christmas!

Thanks!
Sincerely,
Aidan BLAH BLAH BLAH

December 13, 2009

My New Fave Trash TV

Have you seen this show, Million Dollar Listing on Bravo? If you haven't, you are missing some serious blog fodder! It centers around 3 real estate agents in the LA/Southern CA area and all their baggage and escapades. It's most definately trash TV, according to the Mr - although this opinion is always given while he sits next to me watching it, I might add - but it's pure bliss! My sister had several episodes DVR'd when we went to visit in November and I haven't been the same since.

There are three "pretty boys" - Chad, Josh, and Madison. According to his Twitter page and every quote he utters, Chad is the "star" but whatever. We'll deal with my Chad-rage in just a sec. They're all 3 melodramatic, extravagant, attention whores but I'm a blogger so except for the extravagant part, we're probably more alike than I'd like to think.

Obviously I wouldn't be blogging about them if I didn't have some opinions so I'll get down to the nitty gritty in personal letters to each of them. This is gonna be fun!


Dear Chad,

Please don't ever use the self-coined term, Chaderize, again. I might vomit. Also, if Josh doesn't throw that little rat you call a dog into a pool, I'd love to get a piece of that action. You're a douche bag simply because you post Twitter updates for that dog. And if that didn't make you a douche, your constant fiddling with and looking at your hair in the mirror makes you one. Oh, and then there's asking your girlfriend to sign a contract giving you 50% custody of the dog should you ever break up... oh ya know what, fuck it, everything you do makes you a douche. Picture my finger in the shape of an L on my forehead now.


Dear Josh,
Listen up Cutie-patootie, if you aren't the most adorable thing spending all that time with your Grandma and writing a book about her. I could just eat you up! My heart was yours when you asked The Tool Chad if his rat dog could swim but then you broke it when you didn't find out for sure. The Mr would like me to ask you if you have a razor. Mr Military takes issue with your scruff. I tried to take your side and point out that you have the short military hair but he says the scruff is too distracting for him to properly consider the appropriateness of the hair. I'm just the messenger.
Smooches!


Dear Madison,
You, my polyamorous friend, almost made me choke to death on a Cheeto carrot stick. The looks you give when your clients do and say dumb shit crack me up! And those teeth! They are some perfect, white teeth. Tell the truth, they're veneers, aren't they? I'm not hatin', I've got veneers myself, I'm just sayin'. Beyond that, I don't have much else. I'm way too busy hating on Chad and blubbering over Josh to form strong opinions about you. Maybe I'll either love or hate you next season. There IS going to be a next season, right? Make it happen!

December 10, 2009

This Is Why I Moderate My Comments

Comment from Anonymous:
Dear Auther www.mykidsmightbemartians.com! I think, That you commit error. Le'ts Discuss Write toMe in PM.

Dear Anonymous,
You think I "commit error"? Really? *shaking head while simultaneously rolling my eyes and twitching a little bit*

December 1, 2009

Is This What Brotherly Love Is All About?

Aidan, me want me cup. Go Aidan! Cup! Feese!!!

Go get it yourself, Asher, I'm busy.

Feeeees!?!? Aidan. Get. Me. Cup!!!!

Fine!!! *mumbles* you little bastard

New Moon

My official opinion of the movie... I really didn't know how to sum up my feelings for a review of the movie. Then the proverbial light bulb came on above my head. This little convo kinda sums it up.

Mr - You never told me about the movie, if you liked it or not.

Me - Eh, it was ok.

Mr - Just ok? After all that build up?

Me - Yeah, those two who play Bella and Edward irritate me so they kinda ruin it for me. That punk isn't my Edward. However, Jacob is a whole other story. He's my Jacob! I can see becoming a Cougar for that sexy th... *I stop in the middle due to the look on SB's face.*

Mr - What?

Me - *Giggling* He's just a nice looking kid that I can't take my eyes off and that takes my mind off wanting to rip Patty Boy's hair.

Mr - Oh, really?

Me - *More Giggling* Yeah. I didn't really know how I was going to review it for the blog but now I do.

Mr - Oh, so you baited me for the blog? You're an ass. Be sure to put that in your blog.

*********************************************

So really, the movie was good. I love the story so much. This story!Not this interpretation of it. It's true that I don't get the appeal of Patty Boy what-so-ever and he in no way, shape, form, or fashion resembles MY Edward. But maybe that's because I'm not 12. And I appreciate men who wash their hair. Having to see him as Edward makes me want to shove the dull end of a toothpick into my eyelids. A huge plus for New Moon, he's gone for most of it.

Best thing about New Moon, Edward is gone and Jacob comes onscreen and makes me just wanna lick him. As soon as he turns 18 of course, pervs.

And that brings us to Bella. Bella was my least fave character in the book but I figured they cast someone who could make me see the error of my ways and become a Bella fan. Didn't happen. I can't really put my finger on what specifically bothers me about her...hmmm...maybe I don't have enough fingers.

November 30, 2009

My Best Facebook Status Updates

Is it still gluttony if I throw up all 6000 calories I just ate?

I wanna know who gave my kids crack cuz wow, they are losing their minds! better my sister's house than mine :)

"I prefer to donate to animal charities. I just don't have much of a soft spot for my fellow man."



Dear Nickelodeon, How many days in a row are you going to play Dora Saves The Magic Crystal Kingdom. Knock it off or I'm gonna lose my mind. Thanks, Amanda.

I feel a 'fake-ass-facebook-friend' purge coming on.

"Mama, look-k-k, pank-a-but-t-t." WHACK! (slaps the hell outta me) "Foddy, Mama..." -Asher



Oh yes, delete me from your friend list, that'll surely show me the error of my ways. Fucking idiot.

November 26, 2009

I'm Just Going To Repost This Every Year On Thanksgiving Cuz It Never Stops Applying...

Let's talk about Black Friday.

Granted, I've never actually been in the midst of madness on Black Friday so I can't be absolutely positive but I'm pretty sure it sucks. I've never had my fingernails ripped out with pliars either but I'm not gonna volunteer to find out for certain. I'm just gonna trust my gut on this one. I don't play well with others. Specifically with the unwashed masses general public. I can't imagine it going well.

Why must this all occur at O Dark Thirty? Great idea. Let's add another element of pissy to the whole thing. If I am up at 4am, I am not happy about it. Anyone in my vicinity will be made acutely aware of this fact. Maybe it's just me but I think 2500 reluctant early birds trying to squeeze through a 4 foot opening to fight for flatscreen TV's with a 'kill or be killed' mentality has potential to end in violence. I'm just sayin'.

Parking issues alone are reason enough for me to skip it. I come mere seconds from committing a felony on a normal day at Target when some prick in a Mercedes-Benz swoops in and takes the parking spot I've been waiting patiently for. I have to fight the urge to find out if that fancy hood ornament would look quite as impressive sticking out of his or her tight ass. Bet not! It'd sure make me feel a whole lot better though.

Then, there is this insanity that apparently sweeps over the shoppers that makes them think they have ninja skills or something. If you and I are eyeballing the very last Suck My Toes Elmo and you snatch for it, I will whip your ass. Not because I want Elmo particularly but because you have challenged me for it. I'm 5ft 10 and essentially an Amazonian Princess. Odds are that you are not physically up to this fight. Now unless he actually will suck your toes, that little red bastard is not worth it.

Legend has it that the best deals of the year are on Black Friday. Oh, the sales, the incredible one-time only deals! you say. Do you mean except for the after Christmas sales, the after New Years sales, the sales that follow very single other holiday and season of the year? Puh-leeze! There are 5 year olds who have the sense to know better than that crap. As if there will be no restocking of merchandise before Christmas. Whatever extra I have to pay or time I have to wait to not be out shopping on Black Friday is totally worth it.

I know this goes against nature or some girl-code but I rarely do anything traditionally. I see no reason to start now. But hey, if you're feeling froggy... Just don't come cryin' to me when you end up with stitches from a mid-aisle brawl over the very last Baby Alive Puke 'N Crap My Pants Doll. Happy shopping!!!

November 22, 2009

November 19, 2009

Buh-Bye

Tomorrow I am driving 500+ miles to Arkansas. Just me and the boys. I hear prayer works. I'm just sayin'.

This time tomorrow night I will be half drunk, standing in line with a group of the craziest gals you've ever seen. Or heard. We will be squealing like the teenage girls we will be surrounded by, anxiously awaiting New Moon.

After tearing up Northwest Arkansas for a full 24 hours, I'll head south to spend a few days with my family and friends back home. I've got a couple posts queued up to publish while I'm gone but other than that, I will be absent here. Oh, Internet, how I will miss you....

November 13, 2009

Who Knew Firemen Delivered Pizza?

I suppose there are many ways to get noticed in a small town. You could move from Arkansas to Nebraska and your accent alone will make an impression. You could get into a dog shit war with your neighbors and as I found out yesterday, the whole neighborhood will know all about it. Or you could have the freakin' fire department come rolling up to your house - lights and sirens blaring.

Guess which one I did? Okay, all of them but the fire truck was my latest effort.

Last night we ordered pizza for dinner. About the time the pizza was due Aidan starts screaming that the firemen are here. I'm like the fire department, what the hell did you do, Aidan? I open the door to find 3 firemen standing on my porch holding a pizza box. I just kinda stood there open mouthed for a few seconds and they asked Did you order a pizza? And then pure brilliance spewed out when I very nervously said, Um, yes, was I not supposed to? *shaking head* Don't ask, I don't know why some shit comes out of my mouth, I was caught a bit off guard - not expecting the fire department to respond to a pizza delivery and all.

Turns out the fire department and this pizza place teamed up and they randomly choose a delivery order and deliver the pizza. If you have a working smoke detector in your home, the pizza is free. We had one working one and they installed another upstairs for us, plus our pizza was free. Score! The boys got to climb up in the fire truck, Aidan's head almost spun off his neck he was so excited. I'm betting our next pizza delivery is gonna be a big let down for him as he will surely be expecting the fire truck again.

November 10, 2009

Is This Asshole For Real?

I hold a semi-controversial stance on Michael Jackson - as in I think he was a pedophile, also an amazing performer, but first a pervert. The other part of my opinion is that his father is a sorry rat bastard who is hugely responsible for completely fucking his son up. I mean really, this video where he's asked how he is doing and answers "We just lost the biggest super star in the world...it's hard", I just stared at the TV open mouthed when it aired. Wow, I'm glad you just lost a superstar and not a child cuz that would have really sucked, you fucking asshole!



And now the headline is Joe Jackson Seeks Stipend From Michael's Estate (further proving he is a douche). I don't think I can say fucking asshole enough in this post to actually cover what a fucking asshole this guy is.
LOS ANGELES – Michael Jackson's father is seeking an allowance from his son's estate to help cover expenses... blah blah blah...Michael Jackson's 2002 will, however, omitted any mention of his father. The two had an often-strained relationship, and Michael Jackson said at one point that he would get physically sick — as a child and as an adult — at the sight of his father.

November 9, 2009

Where Does He Come Up With It?

Aidan, you need to finish your cereal and get dressed for school.

*Silence*

Are you listening to me?

*Silence*

Aidan! Finish eating and get dressed!

Stop talking to me, Earth Girl.

WTF?!?!

November 6, 2009

Answers Please

I'm looking into reviewing a novel and passing a few on to my readers in a giveaway. My question is would you rather have the actual, physical book to hold in your hands or an e-book to read on your computer that I know you love so much?

And yes, another review and I know I said I hate reviews but I love to read and getting to read a new book for free, well, I'm nothing if not opportunistic!

Twitter Lists

When I first saw that we could make lists on Twitter I was all Oh hell, instant blog fodder! And then everyone else had the same idea. I had it first so I'm doing it anyway.

First, my lists are private because, well, despite my telling everything I know to the internet - all 6 of you who read it - I don't want everyone knowing how I categorize them. I'm mysterious like that. Plus, people get their skivvies in a bunch over getting put on the wrong lists and I've got enough pissing and moaning to deal with from Anonymous.

I'm working on my lists though. You know, like People I Know IRL, Mom/Dad Bloggers, Tweeters that Make Me Laugh So Hard I Pee, etc... I'm building up my Skanks Who Want Me To View Their PornCam and Complain So Much I Want To Cut Their Wrists For Them lists. It's fun, creative even! I'm on a few public lists and they're all pretty generic; Mom Bloggers, Girlfriends, Bloggies, and Would Fuck.

Wait, what!?!?

Yes, I'm on a Would Fuck list. Who knew?

November 4, 2009

I Cry

You know how some people cry at commercials, the FTD Flower commercials and the like? Yeah, who else got teary at this one?



I can't listen to this song without slingin' a little snot.


This is the first movie that I ever remember making me cry and I'll never watch it again.
And then there's always the stand-by "I don't have anything to wear", "my hair looks crazy", and "why won't this fucking pimple go away already" cry inducing moments regularly. I even cry in my sleep. Not just crying but all out wailing, and sobbing. Hmmm, maybe someone needs to up her dosage of anti-depressant?

November 3, 2009

We're All Going To Die. Except Aidan...

...and he's the little bugger who brought the freaking swine flu home! The Mr is sick, home from work and pretty pissed off about it. It's like the second time he's ever missed work in the 8 1/2 years I've known him. 

Asher is sick. He's got a fever and has had one for 2 days because he refuses to take medicine. He doesn't sleep - as evident by this 2am blog post - so I don't sleep. I've got the worst sore throat I've ever had and a fever so I'm freezing and then sweating and Asher simply HAS to be ON me EVERY SECOND... So yeah, poor me, mkay?!?!

We kept Aidan home today despite him feeling all better because how can that be possible, it's H1N1, how can he only be sick one day with it? He's going in the morning cuz one well child and the 3 of us sickies stuck in the house was no bueno. Aidan can't understand why we don't all want to play. BECAUSE YOU GAVE US SWINE FLU!!!

There's really no point to this post, just a pity party. However, on the plus side, I haven't held vomit in my hands today. Why do I do that? It never stops the puke from getting everywhere and it makes me throw up, too. There's a serious flaw in that particular motherly instinct.

For the Love of a Dog

Before we got Lexi we had another dog from that rescue. Brisco, a gorgeous 6 year old German Shepherd.

He was an asshole. 

He refused to be in the same room as us and he barely tolerated Aidan. But if we disciplined Aidan, he'd try to bite us. And he hated my guts. 

Like I said, asshole. After a few weeks of his nonsense we got hooked up with a "dog behavior expert". We laughed about calling a dog whisperer. But she was no Cesar.


This woman shows up at the house and meets Brisco, we show her the issues we want her to work on and she pulls out her bag of tricks. Ace bandage, dog training clicker, and a whole bunch of dog psychology mumbo jumbo. I wish you could have seen the look on the Mr's face while this was all going on.

The highlight of the tutorial involved the ace bandage. I swear on my laptop she suggested and demonstrated that in order to make the damn dog, who was lucky to have a home, hello RESCUE DOG!, feel comfortable and accept us that we basically need to swaddle him. With a big ass ace bandage. Around his balls. Yes, surely emasculating the big bad male dog with an ace bandage would make him love us. Duh, why didn't I think of that? Brisco looked at us as if to say as soon as I get this thing off my balls, I'm going to rip your throat out

I kept my ass away from him for a while after that because I was most definitely his least favorite person in our family. You know the tension in the air when you're in a room with someone you don't like and they know you don't like them and so they don't like you and you both throw off your best you don't exist to me vibes except you both totally exist to each other in the sense that the resentment between you is dripping off your faces? Yeah, that's how Brisco and I spent our days. Good times.

But I'm a pleaser and I really wanted it to work out so I clicked that thing at that bastard all day long and gave him his weight in treats and kissed his ass in countless other ways. Then I took the last piece of the Dog Emasculator's advice and paid $65 for what was essentially a plug in air freshener that sprayed out pheromones of 2.83 year old female polar bears in heat or some shit to "calm" Brisco.


No, go ahead and laugh. The guy who took the order for that thing could barely contain his laughter.

Anyway, that asshole didn't appreciate our efforts, I think I heard him say I'm never going to love you, you suck, I'd rather live on the streets than live with you. We didn't send him into the streets but I waved goodbye happily as he left to go stick his nose up at another family. A few days later Lexi walked into our house. And she's not an asshole.

November 2, 2009

To Vaccinate Or Not To Vaccinate

I've been going over and over the latest debate, the H1N1 (or high-nie as my father calls it) vaccine and whether or not to have my boys get it. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate, that is the question moms are judged by this season. And if you're an idiot and decide to vaccinate, do you get the mist or the shot? Be clear, I'm not saying you're an idiot for getting the vaccine but apparently I am for even considering it according to some dumbass on Twitter. Obviously, I'm crushed... fucking douche.

If you've read this blog very long at all you know a few things. First, Aidan has the potential to make anything difficult and in doing so making me crazy. Second, I go to great lengths to avoid those situations unless I'm way low on blog fodder. Third, those lengths I speak of are sometimes, how shall I say this, borderline unethical - although some of you secretly wish you had the balls to do it. And fourth, unless you have taken over responsibility as Aidan's mom for a minimum of a week and therefore have the ever so slightest clue what you are talking about, I don't give a shit what you think about it. And I'm totally talking to you, Anonymous, you judgemental bitch.

Aidan is probably not going to get vaccinated. Not for H1N1 or the seasonal flu. This day is still vivid in my memory a year and a half later and there was a similar scene when he was tested for TB before starting school this year. I'm still not sure those traumas were worth it. The school is providing the H1N1 shot free and I signed the form saying Aidan could be vaccinated. I also attached a note that said Good Luck. Look, I want him vaccinated I simply don't have the resolve to physically go through getting him vaccinated. And the way I look at it, if he gets sick, well, he's quiet and sweet and still and calm when he's sick and how can 3 days of that be all bad?


*Disclaimer: Do not assume I am callous and awful and that I don't know that so many children have died from H1N1 this year. I'm not making light of that at all. I know that loss, there's nothing light about it.

PS Mere hours after I wrote this post Aidan was confirmed to have H1N1. Karma is swift with me. Awesome.

November 1, 2009

I Don't Want To Hear It

I don't want to hear about "prairie doggin'" or really anything that has to do with poop. Or farts. This really applies to adults. And one of my nephews. And Aidan's farts. Kid poop in general doesn't bother me but if I smell an adult's poop or fart, I am pissed off about it. If you tell me to breathe through my mouth I am likely to slap you because breathing through my mouth just means that nastiness is in my mouth instead of just in my nostrils. 

Seriously, think about it, you smell it because very very small particles of it are in the air. If they are in the air, it stands to reason they are also in your mouth or nose. Gross. The idea of a grown person (I can't even write about it) letting shit come part of the way out of their butt and sucking it back in *shudder* makes me vomit in my mouth a little. No, a lot.  If you have done this, please for the love of God, don't talk to me about it. Some things should be left unsaid and you can't unring a bell.

I don't want to hear the C word. You now which one I'm talking about. Now I'll be the first to admit I've used it. Twice. Both times to a man. For future reference, men don't like to be called that. Yet another reason I can never run for public office. The number one reason, this blog. The Mr would also like me to add that I have also ruined any future he might have had in politics. You're welcome, honey.

I don't want to hear "getting scraped" in reference to either getting a pap smear or an abortion. Even more so in reference to abortion. Must you be so crass? I realize this is the epitome of the pot calling the kettle black but this is my blog so I can both be crass and bristle at crass-ness. Without getting into my feelings on abortion, can I just say eeewww! Am I the only one who wrinkles my nose at that phrase?

So in conclusion; no mention of prairie doggin, the C word, or getting scraped. Some things should be left to white trash to discuss.

October 31, 2009

Halloween

This year Aidan was a race care driver. Now he was rearing a Moto Cross costume but trust me, he was a race care driver.

Asher was a skeleton. With broken ribs. He ripped a big chunk off right before we headed out. The costume was a tad tight. Kinda looked like he was wearing scuba gear or bicycle pants.

I was just me. A witch, hee hee hee. The Mr wouldn't let me wear the mask except to take one photo cuz he said I looked ridiculous. I think it's hawt!

After we did our trick or treating we came home and Aidan took over candy duty. I can't say for sure how much of it he ate while he was out there but he certainly enjoyed himself.

We cooked up a Papa Murphy's pizza and watched some Olivia before the boys hit the sack. How they are sleeping after all that sugar is beyond me.

And finally, a few of the best things I overheard throughout the evening...

One of Aidan's friends who came by our house when we were giving out candy, Thanks, Aidan, you're the best friend I ever had!

Little girl in a Cinderella costume, Hey, can I come in your house? Aidan said Yeah.

When we ran out of candy to give out, the Mr jokingly said We can give your candy to them if you want. Aidan stopped a second and then said Mine?!?! Well, ok. And he did!

Aidan Clearly Doesn't Have A Future In Calendar Making

Mama, this is the last day of Octover. Did you know that?

Yep. What is the next month?

I don't know but we change months. We change years, too.


Well, not until after Christmas. What year is it now?

2009

Right! What year will it be next year?

Um, 2008.

No, what comes after 9?

Oh, 10!

So what year will it be next?

10:30!

October 30, 2009

Review Coming Soon and a Giveaway... Gasp!

For the past few weeks Aidan has been devouring this new 3-D virtual world at JumpStart.com. Maybe a bit too ferociously. He's basically writing this review all on his own but I'm still gathering photos and video and taking notes on the crazy stuff he says while playing it. In the meantime I'm starting the giveaway. The winner will receive a free 3 month membership to JumpStart.com.

In order to win you must first leave a comment here telling me that you at the very least clicked over to see what this was all about. No, I have no way of telling if you did it or not but you'll know you're a liar and a cheat so don't do that, mkay? This is the qualifying entry so if you do all the extra entries without doing this one, well, that would be silly.

For additional entries you can
1. Follow Martians on Blogger - leave a comment here saying you did this
2. Follow me on Twitter - leave a comment here saying you did this
3. Tweet this giveaway *1 time per day*- leave a comment here saying you did this (link to the tweet)
4. Post this giveaway on your own blog - leave a comment here saying you did this (link to the post)
5. Write a blog post detailing all the reasons I'm the best blogger you've ever read and how you know I'm gonna overtake Dooce any day now. Ok, this isn't officially an entry but if you do it chances that I pick your comment as the winner are greatly improved in your favor. Shhhh!

Okay, boys and girls, let's get this party started. Contest ends Friday, November 13. Now it just so happens that I'm gonna have some semblance of a life that day so I'll announce the winner that weekend and contact that person my email. Good luck!

October 29, 2009

He's Eating Into Our Retirement Fund. I Kid, We Don't Actually Have One But Still...

I knew it was time for Asher to poop so I tried to wait a while *you know, so as to save a buck or two on diapers* 
Don't judge me!

Eventually I relented and changed him. I kid you not, 2 minutes later I hear a familiar grunt from behind the couch. I peek over to see Asher's personalized version of the dreaded Poopy Face.

Why does he do that!?!?

Some People Have A Maid...

...I have Asher
video

October 26, 2009

MISSING

Two little boys in Small Town Nebraska are desperately searching for their pumpkins that have gone missing from their front porch. These poor boys thought that their treasures would be safe being that this is touted as such a "nice" town. *Cough* Bullshit *Cough*.

Listen up you little wise-ass, teenage pricks, keep your thieving asses off of my porch! I hope you're proud of yourselves for stealing from a toddler and a Kindergartener, you really accomplished something there, congratulations.

October 25, 2009

Funny Shit From Facebook

I feel a new series coming.

Back story: the married couple were in a wreck with a friend recently, the driver had been drinking. Half of the married couple stopped drinking, half didn't. The names have been changed to protect the guilty innocent. It started around midnight and ended about 9am.

Wife - hanging out listening to the drunk talk....lol.....being sober is sooooooo much fun!!!!!

Friend - So i guess Husband didn't learn his lesson?

Wife - well all the fun is being had right in our house now instead of out in the public...lol.....ive not had a drink in 22 days!!!

Friend - im proud of you. but im sure his fun wont stay in the house to much longer. only a matter of time i suppose

Wife -nope

Friend - well i guess only time will tell. i personally dnt c that happening very much longer.

Wife - thats true......but as long as im around it will stay this way!!!!

(Quickly Becoming Ex) Friend - like i said time will tell. its nun of my business neways. just a sad deal if you ask me

*Misc friends comment and chit chat*

Husband - Sad deal Friend? My life isnt near as sad as your pathetic stupid self! Youre an idiot!

Husband apparently reads some more from Friend and 2 minutes later...

Husband - No one asked you Friend! No one in there right mind would ask you a damn thing!

Husband reading more from Friend...

Husband - Jump off a cliff Friend! Do the world a favor!

Me - Ok, the Husband vs Friend thread might be the funniest shit I've read all year!

October 22, 2009

You Really Shouldn't Have Said That

"Mama, did you wash my jersey when I was at school today because I wanted to wear it today but you didn't have it washed and you said you'd wash it so I can wear it tomorrow because I love my jersey and it needs to be washed. So did you?"

It's not all d..

"Well what did you do all day then!?!?"

Excuse me? What did I do all day? Well, your highness, I did laundry and if you hadn't interrupted me I was going to say it wasn't dry yet but it'll be done in a few minutes. Also, after I dropped you off at school I came home and swept the floor where you ate toast, picked up your dishes, washed the dishes, vacuumed, picked up your towel off your bedroom floor and hung it up, picked up your clothes off your floor and put them away, picked up your toys, gathered up your DVD's and put them in the right cases, cleaned up your playroom, made a grocery list filled with the crap you like to eat... well, you get the idea. Shut up!



October 19, 2009

A Public Service Announcement

Blogging, aw hell - doing ANYTHING after taking sleeping medication instead of going to sleep is not a good idea. The box clearly tells you: take the pill as you are preparing for bed. I personally believe it should say: you must be IN bed as you take the pill and then immediately lay down, close your eyes and have someone turn out the lights because at this point you are not capable of performing this task.

If you do not go straight to bed you may do one, if not all, of the following things; call your grandma at 2am, or even better, sext your boyfriend but send it to dear old dad or call that bitch who used to be your BFF until the "bloody BFF break up where things were said" and cry. Also, stay away from Twitter, MySpace, email, and Facebook because you will make an ass out of yourself and that shit goes viral wicked quick!

You will waking up feeling all rested and ready to take on the day. And then WHAM! It will start coming back to you in pieces. After the horror fades, the sense of Oh my God, I feel like a complete idiot will set in and ya know what? you are an idiot because all in the world you had to do was lay your ass down and drift off to sleep.

Not that I know from personal experience, of course, this is simply a public notice to keep you from doing dumb shit. You're welcome.

October 15, 2009

Living With A Blogger

I heard Bear Grylls say on Man vs Wild that in the Arctic your body can burn up to 6,000 calories per day. 

I said Well hell, let's move to the Arctic, I can have all the Baked Cheetos I want! 

My husband responded with, Um, you have to be outside in the Arctic, not just sitting inside blogging. It's not strictly a geographical phenomenon. (I'd also like to note that I just spelled phenomenon correctly the first time)

As soon as I broke the death glare I pulled up Blogger and start typing furiously. Soon he asks what I'm doing. I respond with laughter which he knows by now means I'm writing about you on the blog. 

Then he remarked that living with me is like living with a freak tape recorder that twists and exaggerates his words. 

Um, honey, everything is potential blog fodder and it's been that way for over 2 years now. When will you be used to it? Men can be so hard to train...

October 13, 2009

This Could Be Uncomfortable

I read a blog and the author asked his readers if any of them had been the subject of an intervention. You know, like the A&E show? I utilized the little red X in the corner of the page cause I wasn't going there on a blog that I only lurk on. The more I thought about it I wondered, should I go there with you. And I don't know. Should I? People in town are finding out about the blog and I'm the new girl in town and I'm joining parenting groups. I never should have let it get out but it's out and it can't be made unknown again. If I start writing about interventions and alcohol abuse and rehab and drug addictions and hoarding and fecal smearing... people will start talking.

So, the question you are dying to hear about; Have I ever been the subject of an intervention. The answer is... Dum dum dum...

No! What kind of girl do you think I am?

Made you wonder though, didn't I? Now I need you to be honest and say if you thought I had in fact been a part of an intervention. I also want to know for what? What kind of things could you imagine I had done. Note: You don't get rehab for beating your kids, that's jail. Just sayin. Have some balls and tell the truth.


Tee hee hee



October 10, 2009

Miley, Blogs, Asher And Housework

Wow. This is actually a news story? Isn't there a war going on? Did you even notice the teen queen's absence from Twitter? If so, we can't be friends, sorry. Oh and now Daddy Cyrus is "urging" Miley to return to Twitter. GAG!

Has anyone noticed a trend in mean blogs? Like people who used to be fresh and funny and just the right amount of saucy and you loved them and then they just turned angry and hateful but not the funny kind of hateful? I don't count because this has never been a puppy-dogs-and-rainbows blog, I've always been hateful, it's my niche, that's what I'm good at. I'm talking about blogging nothing but rants about blogging and how much you hate blogging and how much you hate bloggers and how much bloggers suck at blogging. You might be in need of a new prescription for your happy pills, my dear. We're bloggers - by definition we are attention whores. Deal with it.

Asher's on a new kick. Everyone's a monkey. For instance, Asher, do you want some apples? No, monkey! Asher, wanna take a bath? Yeth, monkey! When I tickle him; 'top it, monkey! You're the only monkey I know, kid!

Gawd, I'm sick to death of sweeping floors! I honestly sweep our kitchen and dining room a minimum of 4 times a day:

*After breakfast when the kids somehow manage to dump crumbs from banana bread or donuts or waffles all over the floor.

*Right before Mr comes home for lunch so it at least looks like I've done something all morning.

*Right before Mr comes home from work, also for the above reason.

*And finally after dinner when approximately 1/5 of the food I placed on the kids' plates ends up on the floor.

No, the dog is no help. She only eats off their plates, that food hasn't touched the floor. She wouldn't lower herself to eat off the floor...

October 9, 2009

Move Along, Nothing To See Here

I'm sick and crabby and I have an earache... What am I, a freaking toddler? An earache, really? So there will be no Blog Fart Friday or Fragmented Friday although there maybe a touch of a Fuck It Friday cuz - earache, fuck it! So how about I just send you on to a site that will make you laugh. And if you don't laugh, well you don't make sense to me. So go here and laugh.

October 8, 2009

This And That And Some Of Everything

*So obviously my last wishes mean nothing to my husband. I told him I think I have a brain tumor (I have my reasons for believing this to be true, none of which include a doctor of any sort) but he doesn't grasp the gravity of the situation. 

I told him after I die he's gonna have to take over the blog. He scoffed and said he'd write one post and it would say "It's Over". I said, fine, then I'm gonna write you out of my will - you'll be losing out on millions! He laughed. Laughed! He obviously doesn't know the potential wrath of blog readers.

*Aidan got his first invite to a party from a schoolmate. Except it was to a slumber party at a little girl's house. He can't understand why he can't go. The boy/girl issue aside, another big reason is because Aidan strips nekkid to sleep so you can imagine that scene going down...
"Bedtime, kids!"

*the collective screams of ten 5 year old girls*

*my phone ringing, high pitched screaming and questions about my parenting*


That would do wonders for my notoriety here, hu?

*This evening Aidan and Daddy were wrestling and as usual, Aidan ended up hurt. He stomped up to his room and slammed the door cuz that'll teach us, right? So I go up there and he's standing there fuming, I mean FUMING! - fists balled up at his sides, gritted teeth - and I said What are you so mad about? And I quote... Because Daddys' such a bitch about everything! I thought I would die laughing! I just ran away. I didn't have it in me to scold him right then and I couldn't let him see me laugh so I did my best. I literally almost peed in my pants! My kid is awesome!

*I miss Lost. There, I said it, I actually miss it. I miss Jack and Charlie and even Sybil, um I mean Kate. I miss Sayid and the island and the monster. Then I found some of the episodes from Season 5 on ABS.com but only about half of them. Why are they trying to make me crazy? I knew I never should have watched that damn show!

*Oh, didn't I say Jon was a douche? Point proven, mkay?

October 4, 2009

I Know I Ask A Lot But I Need The Help

You know how I said I had a bunch of awards to formally accept but explained rather eloquently how I hadn't gotten to them but I had every intention of it in the run on sentence that would not end that you all found so very endearing and therefore forgave me for being such a schmuck? Yeah, um, I lost some of them. I have the images but I lost the emails telling me who gave what. So how about you do a schmuck girl a favor and shoot me an email or leave a comment and tell me that you are the one who took time out of her busy life to bestow so and so award to me and how I Dooced you and ignored it but you will forgive me if I get my crap together and accept the damn thing and maybe possibly actually follow the rules and pass it along like every other decent blogger in the universe. I'd be eternally grateful.

October 1, 2009

Thursday Thirteen

I've been watching Lost for 8 days straight. I'm almost done with Season 4. All of a sudden Sawyer's hot and Jack's not... go figure. So how about a Lost Thursday 13


Thirteen things/people I can't stand on Lost


1. Smoke Monster - cuz really, a monster? How can that possibly be explained rationally? Lame.


2. Nikki and Paolo - so who was the actress playing Nikki screwing to get that little story line in the show? That whole episode was wasted. Lame.


3. Flash Forwards in Season 4 - seeing the character's pasts is cool but this forward thing, no. Thanks for ruining Jack for me. Lame.


4. Ben - what a nasty little weasel of a man. Lame.


5. Time Travel - what!?!? That is dangerously close to Jumping the Shark. Lame.


6. Kate - still with the doe eyes? I know you're the chick-hero of the show but I'm not feeling it. Lame.


7. Jacob - invisable? Really? An invisable man? An invisable man that is the leader of the Others? Really? Lame. Really lame.


8. Locke - you are pissing me off. What exactly is your malfunction? Talk about Daddy issues. Sawyer did your dirty work for you, quit being such a pain in the ass. Lame.


9. Dharma Initiative - what are you? I don't get it. Not at all. Lame.


10, 11, 12, 13, and 14. Charlie dying - you guys SUCK! Why would you do that? I was slinging snot for half an hour over that crap. Take Jack instead. Or Kate. Lame. And sad. (Yeah, I know there are supposed to only be 13 but I really hate it!)


I could also do a Thursday Thirteen on the things I haven't done because I've been watching Lost.


1. Laundry
2. Cooking
3. Gone to the recycling center
4. Returned ANY calls
5. Gone to the gym
6. Taken the kids for a walk
7. Made my bed
8. Dust anything in the house
9. Posted any updates to Facebook that didn't have something to do with Lost
10. Painted my toenails
11. Put out Fall decorations
12. Emptied the dishwasher
13. Bathed - kidding. Kinda.