December 28, 2008

Hail To The Infomercial

You've all seen them. Late at night when you should be sleeping but you're up blogging with the TV on. It catches your eye and you watch. For hours, you watch. Yes folks, I'm talking about infomercials. These are just a few of my favorites. Can't you just see Anonymous using each of them? For this session, I will be assuming Anonymous is a woman. Actually I really do assume this because, well, I'm a woman and I just know.
#1. The Snuggie
Because Anonymous needs her hands free for random snarky commenting. And she's so very high and mighty, she must be a monk so why not dress the part?
Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside!

The Snuggie keeps you totally warm and gives you the freedom to use your hands. Work the remote, use your laptop or do some reading in total warmth and comfort!

Snuggie is made with super soft, thick, luxurious fleece with roomy, oversized sleeves that let you do what you want while still being totally wrapped in warmth.

#2 Rejuvenique Facial Toning SystemBecause Anonymous must have serious facial tension from being so fucking uptight. Plus the mask makes her feel powerful and intimidating, like Jason Voorhies.
The Rejuvenique Facial Toning System consists of a facial mask with 24 individual gold-plated contact points that deliver a light energy pulsation to key areas of your face eight times a second. The energy pulsation is controlled by the palm-size Rejuvenique control unit, which is powered by a 9-volt battery. Special toning gel ensures proper contact between the mask and your skin. The mask system works in tandem with a range of lotions and vitamin- and antioxidant-fortified lotions and gels.
To use the system, you simply apply Rejuvenique gel to the 24 facial contact points, position the mask on your face, turn on the system, and enjoy 15 minutes at your own personal spa.

#3 Facial Flex
Because Anonymous has some serious frown lines from the disapproving expressions she must hold while reading my blog.
Facial-Flex can slow and even stop the sagging process from the inside out. Using Facial-Flex restores and maintains the original shape and contour of your facial muscles. As facial muscles get stronger, they get shorter and flatter, causing the attached skin to become firmer, improving your appearance.

How does it work? Facial-Flex is a dynamic external resistance device, six-and-one-half centimeters in length, made of surgical-grade stainless steel and Delrin plastic. It uses a replaceable six-ounce dental elastic to provide resistance to compression. The lightweight, crescent-shaped facial exercise device is placed in the corners of the mouth, where it maintains a constant outward resistance.
To use Facial-Flex, compress and release repetitively against the resistance of the dental elastic. This easy-to learn procedure will yield results in no time!
Facial-Flex exerciser could end the elusive search for the fountain of youth...

#4 HD Night Vision
Because Anonymous probably always wanted to be an international spy but she had to settle for prowling the internet in search of unfit mothers.

Do You Wear Glasses? You Need HD Vision WrapArounds
HD Vision technology gives you clarity that you have never experienced
Enhance your vision
Just like High Definition TV
Lightweight & durable
Modern European Style

Product Includes:
1 pair of HD
Vision WrapArounds
1 pair of Night Vision WrapArounds
Patented Visor Clip for your car ( $10 value) - just pay S&H

#5 Disinfecting UV Scanner
Because Anonymous is in all likelyhood a big germ freak. It's all tied up with her control issues, acting out in cyber-space, and paranoid fantasies.

Protects your family from colds, flu, and germs such as E. coli. Portable scanner instantly disinfects doorknobs, faucets, computer keyboards and mouse, phones. Just wave it over the item-kills 99.9% of germs in seconds. Great for travel and everyday use. Uses 4 AAA batteries (not included). Folds to just 4 1/2" long to fit in included carry pouch. $29.99 for your peace of mind!
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