1. I will limit the number of inanimate objects my kids swallow (such as jingle bells and address labels) to a managable number. Say 3 per child?
2. I will try to keep the holy terror/demon child rumors about Aidan at bay in our new town. At least long enough for him to get accepted into a preschool there.
3. I will exercise. Once. Maybe twice.
4. I will vacuum up that dead bug in Aidan's closet. Or I could leave it as a housewarming gift to the new owners.
5. I will not threaten to cut the heads off Aidan's babies when he obnoxiously shakes them in my face. Gonna try the being an adult thing this year.
6. I will quit Ped-Egging my feet into bloody, shredded masses.
7. I will invest my whopping 16 cents a day from BlogHer Ads in a high interest bond and retire rich off the proceeds.
December 31, 2008
December 30, 2008
December 29, 2008
December 28, 2008
#1. The SnuggieBecause Anonymous needs her hands free for random snarky commenting. And she's so very high and mighty, she must be a monk so why not dress the part?Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside!The Snuggie keeps you totally warm and gives you the freedom to use your hands. Work the remote, use your laptop or do some reading in total warmth and comfort!Snuggie is made with super soft, thick, luxurious fleece with roomy, oversized sleeves that let you do what you want while still being totally wrapped in warmth.
#2 Rejuvenique Facial Toning SystemBecause Anonymous must have serious facial tension from being so fucking uptight. Plus the mask makes her feel powerful and intimidating, like Jason Voorhies.The Rejuvenique Facial Toning System consists of a facial mask with 24 individual gold-plated contact points that deliver a light energy pulsation to key areas of your face eight times a second. The energy pulsation is controlled by the palm-size Rejuvenique control unit, which is powered by a 9-volt battery. Special toning gel ensures proper contact between the mask and your skin. The mask system works in tandem with a range of lotions and vitamin- and antioxidant-fortified lotions and gels.To use the system, you simply apply Rejuvenique gel to the 24 facial contact points, position the mask on your face, turn on the system, and enjoy 15 minutes at your own personal spa.
#3 Facial FlexBecause Anonymous has some serious frown lines from the disapproving expressions she must hold while reading my blog.Facial-Flex can slow and even stop the sagging process from the inside out. Using Facial-Flex restores and maintains the original shape and contour of your facial muscles. As facial muscles get stronger, they get shorter and flatter, causing the attached skin to become firmer, improving your appearance.
How does it work? Facial-Flex is a dynamic external resistance device, six-and-one-half centimeters in length, made of surgical-grade stainless steel and Delrin plastic. It uses a replaceable six-ounce dental elastic to provide resistance to compression. The lightweight, crescent-shaped facial exercise device is placed in the corners of the mouth, where it maintains a constant outward resistance.To use Facial-Flex, compress and release repetitively against the resistance of the dental elastic. This easy-to learn procedure will yield results in no time!Facial-Flex exerciser could end the elusive search for the fountain of youth...
#4 HD Night Vision
Because Anonymous probably always wanted to be an international spy but she had to settle for prowling the internet in search of unfit mothers.
Do You Wear Glasses? You Need HD Vision WrapArounds
HD Vision technology gives you clarity that you have never experienced
Enhance your vision
Just like High Definition TV
Lightweight & durable
Modern European Style
1 pair of HD
FREE BONUS ITEMS:
1 pair of Night Vision WrapArounds
Patented Visor Clip for your car ( $10 value) - just pay S&H
#5 Disinfecting UV Scanner
Because Anonymous is in all likelyhood a big germ freak. It's all tied up with her control issues, acting out in cyber-space, and paranoid fantasies.
Protects your family from colds, flu, and germs such as E. coli. Portable scanner instantly disinfects doorknobs, faucets, computer keyboards and mouse, phones. Just wave it over the item-kills 99.9% of germs in seconds. Great for travel and everyday use. Uses 4 AAA batteries (not included). Folds to just 4 1/2" long to fit in included carry pouch. $29.99 for your peace of mind!
December 27, 2008
December 26, 2008
Wow, how much more depressing can it get.Professor Joseph Olson of Hemline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota , points out some interesting facts concerning the Presidential election:Number of States won by: Democrats: 19 Republicans: 29Square miles of land won by: Democrats: 580,000 Republicans: 2,427,000Population of counties won by: Democrats: 127 million Republicans: 143 millionMurder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Democrats: 13.2 Republicans: 2.1Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory Republican won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of the country. Democrat territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..." Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegal's and they vote, then we can say goodbye to the USA in fewer than five yearsIf you are in favor of this, then by all means, delete this message.If you are not, then pass this along to help everyone realize just how much is at stake, knowing that apathy is the greatest danger to our freedom.'Oderint, dum metuant'
December 24, 2008
We are about to break out the chainsaw to get into these boxes. I'm pretty sure it's easier to sneak into this country than to get a toy out of it's packaging.
Enough bitching. It's Christmas Eve. We've just finished an enormous artery clogging dinner, spent time with family, and opened some presents. Now it's quiet, the kids are in bed, and I'm
December 22, 2008
December 21, 2008
Because I forget about them until Spring when I clean out the house and find them. Or if I do happen to remember the damn things, I can't find them.
We tore this house apart last night looking for 2 DVD's I bought for Aidan this summer.
On a positive note I did find a bag full of stocking stuffers I forgot about.
Where in the sam-Hell could 2 DVD's be hiding? My theory is that someone broke into my house and stole my Christmas present stash. It's possible, right?
December 20, 2008
Aidan has a TV in his room.
So he has this TV and all of the buttons are pushed in and broken except the Power and Volume Up. Every damn day he uses a broom or toy gun to turn the volume up. And then Daddy has to reprogram one of the other remote controls to turn it back down.
It's an almost daily occurrence and it really pisses us off. Last night I turned the TV on so he could watch a movie and it was blaring. So I just punched out the Volume Up button. No more of that shit! I look down at Aidan and he's got this disgusted look on his face. He puts his hands on his hips and the lecture begins.
"Mama, why did you just break the TV? What is wrong with you? That wasn't necessary!"
Then when Daddy came back in with the remote the ass-chewing continued.
"Daddy, it's not necessary for adults to tear up TVs."
Oh really, Aidan? You wanna talk about what's not necessary? By all means, let's do that.
It's not necessary to relentlessly hijack the keys and try to get into rooms that are locked to you. They are off limits for very good reasons. Back off!
It's not necessary to demand corn dogs or chicken nuggets for every meal. Variety is the spice of life. Eat a damn fish stick or something!
It's not necessary to stockpile Christmas decorations in your room. Leave my Nutcrackers alone!
It's not necessary to head-butt your brother in his stomach. When he loses the ability to breath for a few seconds, it's not a good thing. Eventually he is gonna get big enough to kick your ass. Be nice!
It's not necessary to divide all of your small toys into individual sandwich baggies. It's wasteful and I'm sick of digging them out of your brother's throat. Knock it off!
And finally, it's not necessary to fall onto the floor crying, kicking, and screaming when you've simply been asked to pick up your toys. I think you have too many toys so I'm just looking for an excuse to thin them out. Watch yourself!
Jayden - "We're going to see Aunt Tamanda, Aidan, Uncle Mac... Uncle Mac's not a jerk, Julyan, ok?"Julyan - "Yeah Jay, Uncle Mac's not a jerk."Kid Sister - "Who said Uncle Mac was a jerk?"Jayden - "I did."
P.S. Is it just me or there an awful lot of J's in this post?
December 19, 2008
Aidan confessed that he got into the soft peppermint sticks that he's not supposed to have. He told Daddy that I was a silly Mama. That that wasn't a very good hiding place. That they were easy to find and that I was gonna have to do better next time if I didn't want him to get them.
December 18, 2008
Aidan - "Daddy, talk to Nana."
Mr - "I don't have anything to say."
Aidan - "Just say 'hi Nana'."
Mr, not into the phone - "Hi Nana."
Aidan - "No Daddy, put the phone up to your ear!"
Aidan - "Nana, he just won't talk to you. Good God, Daddy!"
December 17, 2008
I was searching online for the best health bloggers when I discovered your blog. I want to tell you I think your writing is great. My name is Dr. Geoff Rutledge , and ...blah, blah, blah... we're we are building a network of the web’s leading health bloggers -- and I think you would be a great addition.
Wellsphere is a ...blah blah blah... with the valuable insights and knowledge from health leaders and knowledgeable writers like you.
We ...blah blah blah... series of health communities, and I would like to invite you to be a featured blogger in the Parenting Community. By joining our network of over 1700 of leading health and healthy living bloggers ...blah blah blah...
If you would like to be a featured blogger on Wellsphere, just send me an email to Dr.Rutledge@wellsphere.com. You can see examples of our WellPages on our live site. For example, take a look at http://www.wellsphere.com/wellpage/parenting
Good health, Geoff
Geoffrey W. Rutledge MD, PhD
Chief Medical Information Officer
Is this a joke? Because I am the LAST person you'd want contributing to a health website. I let my kids eat massive amounts of sweets and I just cancelled my gym membership. Seriously, I might be good for writing a satirical outlook on healthy living but aside from that, I'm at a loss about what I could bring to the table. Or were you just hoping to get me into some psychological study to find out exactly why I'm so crazy and therefore unhealthy? Either way...
Really, I appreciate the offer and blog fodder. I've been running low lately.
December 16, 2008
December 9, 2008
SkankGirl - "Now don't scream out loud when you see what this stuff does."
Mr - "I won't."
SkankGirl - "Oh, you're not a screamer?"
December 8, 2008
December 4, 2008
Mama, I'm a good job at opening the sodie. We can't put sodie in this cup cuz it smizz's. Then there would be smizz all over the Christmas ornacorns, I mean unicorns (both refer to ornaments). I beserve a besert for not getting smizz on the ornacorns. I love besert. I've never had it before, it's my favorite.
December 3, 2008
Aidan had a wonderful day! He let a classmate into the line. He helped Mrs. Dawn set up the craft. He played well with multiple friends, used good manners, and shared with his friends on the playground. He kept his shoes on all day and lined up with his class during each transition. I couldn't have asked him for better behavior today. ~Mrs. Dawn
what the hell is twitter - I'm on there and I still don't know
my house just got egged - get off the damn computer and go clean your house off!
little pissy - sorry for ya
covering boy hickey - is the procedure different if it's a girl hickey?
what the hell is twitter and why? - this is new. why? don't know what to tell ya
mama suck me, momma suck me, suck me mama, suck me off girl, suck me off boy - that's what I get for naming a post Suck Me A Hickey
to old to suck me - and what is the cut-off age for that?
M*** Growling - is Growling a last name in this instance?