It's Resolution Time

Here's my list.

1. I will limit the number of inanimate objects my kids swallow (such as jingle bells and address labels) to a managable number. Say 3 per child?

2. I will try to keep the holy terror/demon child rumors about Aidan at bay in our new town. At least long enough for him to get accepted into a preschool there.

3. I will exercise. Once. Maybe twice.

4. I will vacuum up that dead bug in Aidan's closet. Or I could leave it as a housewarming gift to the new owners.

5. I will not threaten to cut the heads off Aidan's babies when he obnoxiously shakes them in my face. Gonna try the being an adult thing this year.

6. I will quit Ped-Egging my feet into bloody, shredded masses.

7. I will invest my whopping 16 cents a day from BlogHer Ads in a high interest bond and retire rich off the proceeds.

I'll keep everyone updated on which ones I break and when I break them.

What New Years resolutions will you break this year?

Why Buy Toys When...

...Aidan's favorite thing he got for Christmas turns out to be... are you ready for this? A 3 ft Christmas tree I got at Wal-Mart for $6 on clearance 2 days after Christmas. Yup, and it's not even open, he loves the boxed up Christmas tree.

Well, it was obvious by this video that the piggy bank wasn't the big winner of the morning, wasn't it?

Next year it's a multitude of different sized cardboard boxes for him.

Pity Party

My husband has left me.

Not that way. He moved to Nebraska ahead of us to start his new job. The kids and I will stay here until this damn house sells.

It's been barely over 24 hours and it sucks. It hasn't sucked in the way I was scared it was gonna suck though. You know, the standard being slowly tortured to death by my own spawn children like I imagined. The kids have been pretty gentle on me. So to my very supportive friends who joked about me killing them and taking bets on how long I'd last while making it clear they had zero faith that I'd survive - who won the pot? Not that anyone called to make sure noone was dead.

Is there a natural law of absent husbands? I'm thinking there must be because our heat went out today. So it must work in conjunction with the natural law of mechanical failure only at night or on weekends.

I'm pretty sure that very soon we're all gonna be squeezing into Matt's little 2 bedroom apartment until we can get rid of this house. Wanna take bets on how long until someone gets hurt in that scenerio?

Hail To The Infomercial

You've all seen them. Late at night when you should be sleeping but you're up blogging with the TV on. It catches your eye and you watch. For hours, you watch. Yes folks, I'm talking about infomercials. These are just a few of my favorites. Can't you just see Anonymous using each of them? For this session, I will be assuming Anonymous is a woman. Actually I really do assume this because, well, I'm a woman and I just know.

#1. The Snuggie

Because Anonymous needs her hands free for random snarky commenting. And she's so very high and mighty, she must be a monk so why not dress the part?

Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside!

The Snuggie keeps you totally warm and gives you the freedom to use your hands. Work the remote, use your laptop or do some reading in total warmth and comfort!

Snuggie is made with super soft, thick, luxurious fleece with roomy, oversized sleeves that let you do what you want while still being totally wrapped in warmth.

#2 Rejuvenique Facial Toning SystemBecause Anonymous must have serious facial tension from being so fucking uptight. Plus the mask makes her feel powerful and intimidating, like Jason Voorhies.

The Rejuvenique Facial Toning System consists of a facial mask with 24 individual gold-plated contact points that deliver a light energy pulsation to key areas of your face eight times a second. The energy pulsation is controlled by the palm-size Rejuvenique control unit, which is powered by a 9-volt battery. Special toning gel ensures proper contact between the mask and your skin. The mask system works in tandem with a range of lotions and vitamin- and antioxidant-fortified lotions and gels.

To use the system, you simply apply Rejuvenique gel to the 24 facial contact points, position the mask on your face, turn on the system, and enjoy 15 minutes at your own personal spa.

#3 Facial Flex

Because Anonymous has some serious frown lines from the disapproving expressions she must hold while reading my blog.

Facial-Flex can slow and even stop the sagging process from the inside out. Using Facial-Flex restores and maintains the original shape and contour of your facial muscles. As facial muscles get stronger, they get shorter and flatter, causing the attached skin to become firmer, improving your appearance.

How does it work? Facial-Flex is a dynamic external resistance device, six-and-one-half centimeters in length, made of surgical-grade stainless steel and Delrin plastic. It uses a replaceable six-ounce dental elastic to provide resistance to compression. The lightweight, crescent-shaped facial exercise device is placed in the corners of the mouth, where it maintains a constant outward resistance.

To use Facial-Flex, compress and release repetitively against the resistance of the dental elastic. This easy-to learn procedure will yield results in no time!

Facial-Flex exerciser could end the elusive search for the fountain of youth...

#4 HD Night Vision
Because Anonymous probably always wanted to be an international spy but she had to settle for prowling the internet in search of unfit mothers.
Do You Wear Glasses? You Need HD Vision WrapArounds
HD Vision technology gives you clarity that you have never experienced
Enhance your vision
Just like High Definition TV
Lightweight & durable
Modern European Style

Product Includes:
1 pair of HD
Vision WrapArounds
FREE BONUS ITEMS:
1 pair of Night Vision WrapArounds
Patented Visor Clip for your car ( $10 value) - just pay S&H

#5 Disinfecting UV Scanner
Because Anonymous is in all likelyhood a big germ freak. It's all tied up with her control issues, acting out in cyber-space, and paranoid fantasies.
Protects your family from colds, flu, and germs such as E. coli. Portable scanner instantly disinfects doorknobs, faucets, computer keyboards and mouse, phones. Just wave it over the item-kills 99.9% of germs in seconds. Great for travel and everyday use. Uses 4 AAA batteries (not included). Folds to just 4 1/2" long to fit in included carry pouch. $29.99 for your peace of mind!

What I Did On Christmas Day

And how did you spend Christmas Day? Sipping egg nog, visiting family, maybe playing outside in the snow? Well, not these goons. These are the searches that led to this blog on December 25.

SUCK ME

little pissy free

hickey my stomach

mama,s sissy boy

Hey, fool! This ( , ) is a comma and this ( ' ) is an apostrophe. They are not interchangable.

Do you get different results if you search in all caps?

I'm speechless typeless about the other two. People are kinda scary.

I Have No Fitting Title

Aidan to Daddy - "Do I just have to kick your butt for kicking Asher's butt? I will kick your hairy butt."

Boo Hoo Hoo

I'm still getting these emails from bitter Rupublicans.

Wow, how much more depressing can it get.

Professor Joseph Olson of Hemline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota , points out some interesting facts concerning the Presidential election:

Number of States won by: Democrats: 19 Republicans: 29

Square miles of land won by: Democrats: 580,000 Republicans: 2,427,000

Population of counties won by: Democrats: 127 million Republicans: 143 million

Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Democrats: 13.2 Republicans: 2.1

Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory Republican won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of the country. Democrat territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..." Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegal's and they vote, then we can say goodbye to the USA in fewer than five yearsIf you are in favor of this, then by all means, delete this message.If you are not, then pass this along to help everyone realize just how much is at stake, knowing that apathy is the greatest danger to our freedom.'Oderint, dum metuant'

Seriously, our country isn't exactly flourishing under the current administration. Do you not think that there is even the slightest chance that Obama's not a terrorist and that he might actually want to try to fix some shit? It must suck ass to exist day to day with that level of paranoia and desperate thoughts. Have a little faith! Isn't there anything else you could be doing besides forwarding assinine Obama-bashing emails? Or are you one of those who thinks I'm gonna go to hell for not forwarding the ol' "Forward this if you believe in God. If you don't, God will deny you later." emails? Cuz don't even get me started on those.

P.S. Anonymous, I'm about 106% sure you're one of those people, no need to comment to confirm.

Christmas Eve

We are attempting assembly of all the toys that Santa is getting the credit for. And by "we" I mean my husband, obviously,  is trying to get into the damn boxes and I'm sitting here laughing and blogging. We're a hell of a team.

We are about to break out the chainsaw to get into these boxes. I'm pretty sure it's easier to sneak into this country than to get a toy out of it's packaging.

Enough bitching. It's Christmas Eve. We've just finished an enormous artery clogging dinner, spent time with family, and opened some presents. Now it's quiet, the kids are in bed, and I'm drinking making it look like Santa has come. Do you think it would be a bad idea to tell Aidan that Santa wants margaritas instead of milk? Either way, I hope my kids believe in Santa several more years. This is fun!

Not In The Spirit

I'm having a hell of a time getting into the Christmas spirit. And by a hard time I mean it's virtually impossible. Here are a couple of the reasons why.

I'm growing to hate my neighborhood. You remember that my parent's car was stolen from in front of our house, right? We've had our mailbox kicked down by little punk-ass teenagers, our house and cars egged, pumpkins stolen from our porch, a major drug raid (SWAT and all) on a house down the street and now someone stole our recycling bins! Merry Christmas, hu? Who steals recycling bins?

If I have to go to Wal-Mart one more time I'm going with C4 strapped to my chest. I don't ever want to see the inside of that place as long as I live. You wanna see a lack of Christmas spirit, go check out Wal-Mart right now. You'll get your throat cut for your parking spot and little old ladies are throwing down in the baking aisle over the last package of yeast.

The best I can hope for this year is for the turkey fryer to malfunction and burn our house down.

Bah-humbug!

Bust

Aidan's preschool Christmas program was Friday night. He's been singing songs, doing marches, and making hand gestures for a week. Very excited.

We had our doubts but he insisted he was going and was gonna do it.

He lied.

We dug the camcorder out of the hell that is our office closet and got it all charged up. I bought him a crisp new white shirt and blue pants that was required and he even let Daddy trim up his hair. When the time came we got all dressed up and went over to the church.

He was supposed to stay in his class while we sat down in the gym and waited for him. He wouldn't let us leave. He wouldn't talk to anybody. He wouldn't put on his prop. He wouldn't practice. We knew it wasn't gonna happen and told him he didn't have to do it, that we could go home, but he insisted if I'd just walk with him back to the stage he'd do it.

He lied.

Finally, after 30 minutes of putting on the prop, taking it off again, walking over to the stage, coming back, bowing up and stomping, and threatening to make a scene, we left.

Then! Then, when we get into the truck he starts singing the songs.

And then my head exploded.

Merry Christmas, Mama

It's been months since Aidan has had his hair cut. After the last bout of public humiliation, I went on strike, I was done. It's not a battle I was gonna fight anymore. I was honestly ready to let it get really long. Daddy, though? Not on board. I figured when it bothered him enough, he could wrestle Aidan into the barber's chair. And good luck to him when that came to pass.

This morning Aidan was yacking about needing to "borrow everyone's money to buy a 'spensive toy". If I was a cartoon, a little light bulb would have appeared over my head. I told him if he'd get a haircut I'd give him a whole jar of money. Pennies or quarters, it's all the same to him so I was planning on pennies. Being the bargainer he is, he said he'd only let his Daddy cut his hair. He was in the beginning stages of a mullet and I was scared for him.

Lost

This is why I don't buy gifts in July and save them for Christmas. 

Because I forget about them until Spring when I clean out the house and find them. Or if I do happen to remember the damn things, I can't find them. 

We tore this house apart last night looking for 2 DVD's I bought for Aidan this summer. 

On a positive note I did find a bag full of stocking stuffers I forgot about. 

Where in the sam-Hell could 2 DVD's be hiding? My theory is that someone broke into my house and stole my Christmas present stash. It's possible, right?

Not Necessary

Aidan has a TV in his room.

So he has this TV and all of the buttons are pushed in and broken except the Power and Volume Up. Every damn day he uses a broom or toy gun to turn the volume up. And then Daddy has to reprogram one of the other remote controls to turn it back down.

It's an almost daily occurrence and it really pisses us off. Last night I turned the TV on so he could watch a movie and it was blaring. So I just punched out the Volume Up button. No more of that shit! I look down at Aidan and he's got this disgusted look on his face. He puts his hands on his hips and the lecture begins. 

"Mama, why did you just break the TV? What is wrong with you? That wasn't necessary!" 

Then when Daddy came back in with the remote the ass-chewing continued.
"Daddy, it's not necessary for adults to tear up TVs."   

Oh really, Aidan? You wanna talk about what's not necessary? By all means, let's do that.
It's not necessary to relentlessly hijack the keys and try to get into rooms that are locked to you. They are off limits for very good reasons. Back off! 

It's not necessary to demand corn dogs or chicken nuggets for every meal. Variety is the spice of life. Eat a damn fish stick or something! 

It's not necessary to stockpile Christmas decorations in your room. Leave my Nutcrackers alone! 

It's not necessary to head-butt your brother in his stomach. When he loses the ability to breath for a few seconds, it's not a good thing. Eventually he is gonna get big enough to kick your ass. Be nice! 

It's not necessary to divide all of your small toys into individual sandwich baggies. It's wasteful and I'm sick of digging them out of your brother's throat. Knock it off! 

And finally, it's not necessary to fall onto the floor crying, kicking, and screaming when you've simply been asked to pick up your toys. I think you have too many toys so I'm just looking for an excuse to thin them out. Watch yourself!

Jerk

Kid Sister and the boys drove down from Nebraska and stayed here on their way to Nana's house. KS told me about a little conversation she overheard between Jayden and Julyan.

Jayden - "We're going to see Aunt Tamanda, Aidan, Uncle Mac... Uncle Mac's not a jerk, Julyan, ok?"

Julyan - "Yeah Jay, Uncle Mac's not a jerk."

Kid Sister - "Who said Uncle Mac was a jerk?"

Jayden - "I did."

At least he got taken off the jerk list that he was apparently on at some point.

P.S. Is it just me or there an awful lot of J's in this post?

Not Good Enough

This morning when Daddy got up with the boys he had to fix a bunch of stuff that Aidan had screwed up before we knew he was up.

Aidan confessed that he got into the soft peppermint sticks that he's not supposed to have. He told Daddy that I was a silly Mama. That that wasn't a very good hiding place. That they were easy to find and that I was gonna have to do better next time if I didn't want him to get them.

Then when he was in Asher's room changing him, Aidan locked the door so he couldn't get out. Daddy got the key and unlocked it but Aidan kept locking it back. I find this enormously amusing but it really pissed parental figure off. Sorry, baby, it's funny.

Conversations With Aidan Continued

My mom reminded me of a little conversation between her, Aidan, and a reluctant Daddy. Aidan had been talking on the phone with Nana and decided his Daddy needed to have a word with her too.

Aidan - "Daddy, talk to Nana."

Mr - "I don't have anything to say."

Aidan - "Just say 'hi Nana'."

Mr, not into the phone - "Hi Nana."

Aidan - "No Daddy, put the phone up to your ear!"

Silence

Aidan - "Nana, he just won't talk to you. Good God, Daddy!"

Another Letter

Dear Anonymous,

I think I've said it before but it appears to be time to say it in spanish or sign language or something because you are not getting it.

Quit being a chicken shit!!! Anonymous is not your name or screen name or pen name. Anonymous is code for "I've got tons of opinions and no real balls but I've got this here computer screen to keep me safe so here I go."

It's clear that you think you're clever with your over-analyzed and obviously many times edited comments, so bone up, take the credit. I've left a couple of them up just because I felt like giving you your much needed attention but that shit is over.

However, never fret, I will most likely be addressing some future posts directly to you. I may be asking for parenting advice since you seem to know how to raise my children better than I do. It could be that I ask you to ponder the universe with me just to keep you from rambling on like Rain Man about the human need for instant communication and the perils of Twitter.

Are you on medication? Because you might want to look into that. Or you could just ask a doctor for something to make your balls drop. Then you might stop these feeble attempts at mind-fucking me. You don't scare or intimidate me, I've got kids.

Sincerely,

Unfit Mother/Needy Web-Persona/Idiot In General

Practical Joke Part II

Hmmmm, it seems I might owe Dr. Rutledge an apology. The offer was sincere and I mocked him. Tee hee hee.

So if I join up will you all vote for me for People's Health Bloger Award?

This is so bizzarre.

Practical Joke?

I got this email a few days ago.

Hi Sissy,

I was searching online for the best health bloggers when I discovered your blog. I want to tell you I think your writing is great. My name is Dr. Geoff Rutledge , and ...blah, blah, blah... we're we are building a network of the web’s leading health bloggers -- and I think you would be a great addition.

Wellsphere is a ...blah blah blah... with the valuable insights and knowledge from health leaders and knowledgeable writers like you.

We ...blah blah blah... series of health communities, and I would like to invite you to be a featured blogger in the Parenting Community. By joining our network of over 1700 of leading health and healthy living bloggers ...blah blah blah...

If you would like to be a featured blogger on Wellsphere, just send me an email to Dr.Rutledge@wellsphere.com. You can see examples of our WellPages on our live site. For example, take a look at http://www.wellsphere.com/wellpage/parenting

Good health, Geoff
--
Geoffrey W. Rutledge MD, PhD
Chief Medical Information Officer
Wellsphere, Inc.

My response...

Is this a joke? Because I am the LAST person you'd want contributing to a health website. I let my kids eat massive amounts of sweets and I just cancelled my gym membership. Seriously, I might be good for writing a satirical outlook on healthy living but aside from that, I'm at a loss about what I could bring to the table. Or were you just hoping to get me into some psychological study to find out exactly why I'm so crazy and therefore unhealthy? Either way...

Really, I appreciate the offer and blog fodder. I've been running low lately.

~A

She's Baaaack

What? No one wonders what happened to me? I could be in a ditch somewhere! Okay, not in a ditch but many, many times during each of the 13 hour drives I was welcoming death and cursing the universe for the hell I was enduring. But hey, thanks for caring.

Well, to mark my truimphant return, a few quotes from Aidan during our trip to visit family in Ohio.

"Gra-mal, can we open presents now? Why? Well, if I don't get presents then we won't bring presents for you guys ever again." *waving his chubby little finger at her* No, she didn't smack him but that's because he's easier to put up with when you're not subjected to his BS every single day.

This was the first time we met Wayne, Grandma's most perfect boyfriend. Aidan was trying to tell us that Wayne had shown him something so he said, "Gra-mal's guy took me to the barn!"

During the drive Aidan was trying to get Asher to say each of our names. "Asher, say Mama. Say Daddy. Say Aidan. Say Dalmation 'Spensive Dog. Say Gra-mal..." I don't know why he couldn't manage Dalmation 'Spensive Dog. And yes, that is the name of his newest baby. Don't ask cuz I don't know.

And finally, he hands me this brown blob of something from the backseat and tells me he thinks it's poop. I said it's not poop, it's tootsie roll. He says, "Oh, it's not poop? Let me have it!"

Man Nails and Oblivion

My husband is some kind of wonderful. He went out to do some of the Christmas shopping for me tonight while I sat home and played games on Webkinz. I'm not kidding. I played about 300 games of Triple Strike Solitaire. I freakin' rock that game, mmmkay? Anyone notice a lull in my posting lately? Now you know why.

So when he gets home he shows me his one shiny man-nail. He apparently got caught by one of the kiosk skanks girls. He said he was trying to sneak around but she spotted him and ran around the front and cut him off. Get this, she buffed his nail for him!!! I can only snort when I think about him standing there getting his nails buffed in the mall. *snicker* Then he tells me he thinks she may have been flirting with him. You tell me if you think this may have been flirting.

Kiosk Skank Girl - "Now don't scream out loud when you see what this stuff does."

Mr - "I won't."

Kiosk Skank Girl - "Oh, you're not a screamer?"

And then he's about to get away when she pulls out another wonder-product and says, "Give me your hand!" His response, a deadpan No.

I would give up one of Asher's afternoon naps to have been there to see that little exchange go down.

P.S. I'm sending him back for that stuff. His nail looks sweet!

Make Believe - I Hope

This afternoon Aidan and Jackson were pretending to kill dogs. We know this because we heard Aidan say, "Come on, Jackson, let's go kill a dog!". And off Jackson runs to join the carnage.

I had him tell his Dad what he was pretending and he gleefully told his tale. We told him he can't kill dogs and he says, "If I have a real gun I can. I can shoot one with a real gun."

We told him if he did that he would go to jail and he says, "If you try to put me in jail and people try to tell me what to do I'll just kick and throw my babies at them."

Good to know he's got it all figured out.

P.S. Aidan is never mean to Lexi, ever! He's been known to curse at the psycho chihuahuas next door but those little ankle biters deserve it. I'm trying to convince myself you that he's not a budding serial killer. Go with me on this, okay?

Kid Sister Knows Best

I can't believe I forgot to blog about this! Any chance I get to call out my little sister is never passed up and this shall be no different. Trust me, she deserves every bit of it.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday my mom, my sister, me, and the 3 oldest boys loaded up in the truck and drove around rural Nebraska. The road trip included a drive by of the house my parents lived in when I was born, the church they were married in, the school my mom graduated from, my grandparents houses, and finally we took a spin around the little town we are moving to as soon as this house burns sells.

You need to understand that my sister is known for her flighty ways. She's adorably and infuriatingly airheaded, which provides for some very funny incidents. Case in point...

We were driving by a monument in a park and I mentioned that it included some of the steel from the World Trade Center. Kid Sister scoffs and says, "Oh right, like the Civil War was fought anywhere near here. Dumbasses!". I swear on my laptop, those were her actual words. About 2 seconds of silence followed before my mom and I erupted in laughter for the next 25 minutes.

Eh, What's That You Say?

This is what a conversation with Aidan would sound like if it were to include just a few of his mispronounciations and token phrases.

Mama, I'm a good job at opening the sodie. We can't put sodie in this cup cuz it smizz's. Then there would be smizz all over the Christmas ornacorns, I mean unicorns (both refer to ornaments). I beserve a besert for not getting smizz on the ornacorns. I love besert. I've never had it before, it's my favorite.

You're a funny boy.

Reading Between The Lines

I got a note from Aidan's teacher on Tuesday. He did very well and everyone was very proud of him. This is what the note said...

Aidan had a wonderful day! He let a classmate into the line. He helped Mrs. Dawn set up the craft. He played well with multiple friends, used good manners, and shared with his friends on the playground. He kept his shoes on all day and lined up with his class during each transition. I couldn't have asked him for better behavior today. ~Mrs. Dawn

I'd like to go ahead and add what I bet she was thinking as she wrote.

Aidan had a wonderful day! The little bastard didn't kick me once!

He let a classmate into the line. The miracle here was that he was in line in the first damn place!

He helped me set up the craft I mean I was able to actually do that instead of wrestling your little delinquent son all day long!

He played well with multiple friends, I'm shocked as shit that he has any friends!

used good manners, Which just proves he knows better and choses to be an ass out of pure spite!

and shared with his friends on the playground. He's still a stingy little prick in the classroom but not on the playground!

He kept his shoes on all day I can't believe I have to applaud this kid for something so dumb! Why can't I just beat the hell out of him again?

and lined up with his class during each transition. Instead of losing his damn mind and bucking like a bronco while screaming bloody murder!

I couldn't have asked him for better behavior today. He should act like this every single day and I'm scared shitless of what Thursday is gonna bring to make up for today!

How To Find Me On The Web

And now, the latest internet searches that led to this blog. I love this shit!

what the hell is twitter - I'm on there and I still don't know

my house just got egged - get off the damn computer and go clean your house off!

little pissy - sorry for ya

covering boy hickey - is the procedure different if it's a girl hickey?

what the hell is twitter and why? - this is new. why? don't know what to tell ya

mama suck me, momma suck me, suck me mama, suck me off girl, suck me off boy - that's what I get for naming a post Suck Me A Hickey

to old to suck me - and what is the cut-off age for that?

M*** Growling - is Growling a last name in this instance?

Words Of Wisdom By Aidan

We were decorating the Christmas tree like I was ordered by His Highness to do last night. And by 'we' I mean I was hanging all the ornaments and Aidan was supervising. I told him we weren't gonna be able to fit all of the ornaments on the tree. He of course becomes completely unreasonable and says to me, "So we went through all of this for what? For nothing I guess. That's great. Great job, Mama!"

The other day we were riding in the car and I was on the phone. My conversation apparently included the word 'ass' because from the backseat comes my own personal parrot repeating it. I told him not to say it again. He said, "Well, if you want me to stop saying it, I guess you better stop saying it. Hu, Mama?"

I bought Aidan what I thought was a Webkinz ornament that turned out to be simply a figurine. I told him we'd see if Daddy could find a way to hang it on the tree. "Mama, Daddy can't fix everything, ya know?"

Just this evening Aidan was looking into the fridge for something to drink. He's listing them off  like this, "There's Mt Dew, tea - which I can't have, juice, and that yellow drink that'll make me sick if I drink it - the one only adults who tell kids what to do can drink it (referring to the premade margarita mix).

And This Year's Winner Is...

Every year it's someone. That first person to send out their Christmas cards. I choose that person to be on my naughty list because their being on top of things makes me look bad. So this year it's Ronda. When we got home from our Thanksgiving road trip from Hell, there was Ronda's card waiting for us. The first of the season. That one pain in the ass who's probably got all her shopping done. She probably went out at the butt-crack of dawn on Black Friday, too - and we all know how I feel about Black Friday. Well, congratulations Rond-O, I hope you're proud of yourself!