Have you ever wondered if Homeland Security, or the CIA troll blogs looking for stay at home mom groups who are really covers for AlQuieda training camps or some such crazy crap. My mind works in some dark and twisty ways. Can't help myself :)
Okay back to it... someone tagged me, and I suck and can't remember who. If it was you, please feel free to call me a horses ass. That issue aside, I'm in. And I'm passing the buck to these funny gals.
The rules are that you must answer with only "one" word. I'm kinda mouthy so this could be difficult. In fact it's impossible to show my true
smartass witty humor if limited to only one word. So we do this my way. Should be fun.
Off I go...
1. Where is your cell phone?
It's wherever I am unless a 30lb kleptomaniac is running away with it as fast as his short fat legs will carry him. It's usally pretty easy to take him down with a good choke hold.
2. Where is your significant other?
At work to support us. You know, so that I can sit at home and not do laundry and order dinner out. Basically so that I can blog for a fortune. I'm set to break $100 this year. So I'm contributing!
3. Your hair color?
What? My natural color? Like I've seen that in 15 years. Puh-leeze! Reddish at the moment. Think I could pull off blonde? Mama needs a change.
4. Your mother?
Yes, I have a mother. What do you want to hear, her name? She's best known as Nana. She thinks I'm funny. I think she's biased.
5. Your father?
Again, I got one. He's kind of a big deal, too! I'm gonna go all 007 cryptic on ya. If I told you I'd have to kill you.
6. Your favorite thing?
The absolute peace and quiet that exists when those two spawn I call my kids are alseep. Or better yet, when they're completely out of my house and terrorizing someone else. I revel in that silence.
7. Your dream last night?
Like I remember. Last night was an Ambien night. No dreams get by the power of the Ambien.
8. Your dream/goal?
I've got so many I simply couldn't say just one or two. Even if I nailed it down, I'd probably find out that I suck at it. Then I'd be forced to quit in high diva fashion. It just wouldn't turn out well. I keep them secrets so that noone knows when I fuck something up.
9. The room you're in?
Oh, now I see the reason for one word answers. I could go all normal and say livingroom but I feel like portraying myself to be more hip that I really am. You ready for it? I'm chillin' in the bathtub. No, of course I don't have my laptop in the tub, it's on a table pulled up to the tub. See, I'm hip and resourceful.
10. Your hobby?
Shall I dare declare blogging to be my hobby? Don't you have to pass some test by one of the Super-Bloggers *Dooce*? Trust me on this, those big bloggers have never read my trite shit. And hey, is it a hobby if you get paid for it? Cuz I'm rakin' in a whopping 16cents a day.
11. Your fear?
What? Is this your first ride on the crazy express? I fear a plethera of crazy shit. China, for one. Rubber balloons are my mortal enemy. Fireworks, trees that grow out of water, and then there's the standard fear of death thing.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?
How old, you asked? 31. Oh, where?. Okay that's totally different then isn't it? I want to be sitting in a quiet house moments after we've just kicked the boys out on their 18th birthdays. Oh wait, they'll only be 7 and 10. Well, hell, I don't know then!
13. Where were you last night?
Cleaning egg off the side of our house! Mother fuckin' hooligans! I hope there's a mild case of food poisoning the the next mouthful of chocolate that fucker shoveled into his pie hole.
14. What you're not?
I am not an astronaut, a nurse, a flight attendant, a teacher. I'm not a stripper and I'm not a farmer. Really, shouldn't this question have been 'What Are You?'
15. One of your wish-list items?
One, ha! A framed Jack Vetrianno, a Volvo CX90, just ONE Jimmy Choo shoe, and a Saint Bernard puppy. This by no means sums it up, I just threw some good ones out there in case anyone's husband is reading the blog today. *wink wink*
16. Where you grew up?
And there's the question where one word would suffice. And that word is
HELL Redneck Stepford
17. The last thing you did?
Watched Benny Boy crack me the fuck up on SNL. I'm gonna get a video clip of his Target skit. I'll just admit I peed on myself.
18. What are you wearing?
Why you asking? Perv! Grey granny panties with skid marks. How ya like that visual? Oh, you were really just askin'? Okay jeans and a t-shirt.
19. Your TV?
What the fuck about it? You wanna know where we met, our first date, what?!?! It's a TV, we watch trash TV shows on it. And a lot of Pooh and Looney Tunes.
20. Your pets?
Shelter dog who's forgotten where she came from. Digging in the backyard, crapping all. over. the. yard., taking food out of Asher's hands... But she isn't going anywhere, we're her people.
21. Your computer?
Okay, now I'm ready to follow a little closer to the original rules. How many damn questions are there?
My computer is a laptop. It's mine. I love it. All of my friends are in it. We might be a little too close, my computer and I.
22. Your mood?
Drained. A girl's only got so much funny in her. I'm coasting in here on fumes!
23. Missing someone?
every single day
24. Your car?
It's red, has 4 doors, is an SUV, has been covered in vomit and urine several times over. Can I offer you a ride?
25. Something you're not wearing?
You're hoping for underwear aren't ya, perv? Bra? Sorry. Google Paris Hilton, she's usually missing an undergarment or two.
26. Favorite store?
I don't have a favorite store. I hate shopping. One of these years - maybe this year - I will do all of my Christmas shopping without entering a mall where I will inevitably have to throw up in my mouth due to someone's lack of hygiene.
27. Your summer?
I don't know! It's Fall now. Why do we always have to talk about the past?
28. Love someone?
If I say no, I'm a bitch. If I say yes, I gotta name them all. I'm lazy. The answer is no.
29. Your favorite color?
30. When is the last time you laughed?
When I saw how damn many questions are on this damn quiz/tag/whatever
31. Last time you cried?
Oh, wait, that's where I cried, too.