October 30, 2008

Boiling Point Continued

Okay, Aidan got sent home from preschool today. There is never a good excuse for his behavior but today he really had no damn reason to be a huge jackass. There was no "trigger" today. The class had their Halloween party today so the kids could wear their costumes if they wanted to. First he did want to, then he didn't, then he did... It was the usual Aidan bullshit. But I just went along with every change. He wasn't forced to wear anything. Looking back I think he was just trying to start a fight. He must have been terrified of having a good drop-off time twice in one week. I'm telling you, the kid has it out for me.

Anyway, he wouldn't let go of my leg so I finally had to pry him off and run away. It's embarrassing to run from a 4 year old, okay? So I stand outside the door waiting for the tantrum to subside. Mmmm, it didn't. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, kicking the door, dumping big boxes of toys, trying to knock shelves over, and swinging at his teacher and the director. Actually backing them up all over the room.

At this point I am seething in the hallway just watching. Fighting the urge to go in there and beat the shit out of him. Other parents -the ones who just kissed their calm, nonpsychotic children goodbye - gave me pity looks and offered words of wisdom. None of those words were Beat the shit out of that brat! but I imagine the thought crossed some of their minds.

When he started taking stuff from his backpack to throw at people, I got the "look" from the teacher. You know the "look"? It's the facial expression that says I want to beat the shit out of your kid but you're right there watching so you better just take him away. So I took his naughty ass home. Actually I took him and dropped him off with my friend Lisa because 1. I had an appointment that I couldn't miss and 2. I should not have been alone with him when I was that angry.

I cannot explain to you the rage that surges through me when he acts like that. I understand kids have bad days but I know very few people with children who have incidents like Aidan had today even once a month. Almost every week Aidan loses every bit of his damn mind and shows his ass like that. It's maddening! I mean seriously, what the fuck is wrong with him? Or me? Is he destined for prison? I know I joke about that possibility regularly but humor is how I deal with fear. I'm scared my kid is going to end up in prison. I can't control him as a 4 year old so I don't have much hope for the future.


October 28, 2008

Words with Aidan About The Smuggling Incident

I asked Aidan after preschool about sneaking the DVD player. Here's the conversation...

Me - "Why did you take that DVD player to school after I told you that you couldn't have it?"

Aidan - "Well, you didn't even see me put it in my bag!"

Me - "Don't you think you should be punished for sneaking around like that?"

Aidan - "Like how?"

Me - "Like a spanking or no TV or losing allowance."

Aidan - "No, I don't like any of those."

Me - "It's punishment, you're not supposed to like it."

Aidan - "What about we do something else."

Me - *softening at the humor of the conversation* "Okay, how about you say you're sorry. Are you sorry?"

Aidan - "Yeah, I'm really sorry I'm in trouble."

Our Little Trafficker

I had to go pick up Asher from preschool early today. A little runny poo and they're calling me? Get over it, he's got no fever and he acts just fine. Why can't I have my last 5 hours of peace and quiet? Anyway... on my way in the director of Aidan's preschool catches me in the hallway. You know this isn't gonna be good, don'tcha? She asks me if I let Aidan bring a TV to school.

"A TV? No, of course not. Why?"

"Well, he pulled one out of his bag and was watching a movie today in class."

Yup, Aidan got busted smuggling a DVD player into school. The very DVD player he asked me if he could bring to school this morning, to which I replied, "No, you cannot bring a DVD player to school, it's against the rules. Absolutely not." I remember thinking he gave up rather easily but we were late as usual and rushing so I didn't think to check his bag for contraband.

Note to self: Your son is smarter than you. When you think you've won an argument or when things are going smoothly, he's pulling a fast one on you. Beware.

October 26, 2008

What I Know About Me

CSI is so damn gross! I'm watching 2 guys pry a dead body in full rigor out of a small box and attempt to straighten him out. And why do they have to show the needle going into the eyeball? Or make the sound of the ripping of skin audible? And why am I still watching? Because I'm a morbid, sick, person. I love this shit! All of my favorite movies and TV shows involve murder, rape, kidnapping, or crime of some sort.

I don't have a point. Just making a personal observation.

Road Trip Conversations

We are riding in the truck on our way to Nebraska today when Aidan says, "Mama, I'm so glad you're not being mean to me on this trip. Yeah. It makes me so happy. Thank you."

Really? Have I been such a tyrant on previous trips? 

October 24, 2008

Enough With the Pumpkins!

You can't post too many pumpkin pictures in October, can you? Well, if you can I'm on my way. Aidan is obsessed with pumpkins. He regularly sleeps with 3 of the little ones. I'm serious, the pumpkins get their own blankets. He forgot one when we went to Nana's and when he got home he apologized profusly to the pumpkin.

There goes pumpkin looking all weird again. Why does that happen? If you say or write any word over and over enough it starts to sound and look wrong. It kinda freaks me out...

Where was I? Oh yeah, pumpkins!

He carved on of the big ones last week. Let's clarify, I carved the pumpkin while he critiqued the entire time. He told me I was messing it up and if it didn't look good he wasn't going to let me put it outside for everyone to see. Am I the only one living with a mini version of Siskel & Ebert? The kid has an opinion about everything!

I Should Be Sleeping

I should be sleeping but I'm not. It's 2am. I'm still awake because I forgot to pack my Tylenol PM. Benadryl is lame. When I think of the hours I've laid in bed wide awake I realize it's a damn shame. So much could be done with that time. At the very least the house should be clean. Hell, a book could have been written. Well, maybe not a book but a couple brilliant blog entries. Okay okay, not brilliant but... Lots of weird shit flows through my head at night.


What the hell is it that makes people say shit like "Wal-Marts" when they are not speaking of plural Wal-Mart stores? And would I be a huge bitch to take them by the shoulders and shake the shit out of them until they lose the damn 'S'? Yeah? Well, that day is coming, just fair warning.

October 23, 2008

Another Reason I'll Never Be Mother of the Year

This is why I refuse to sleep with my children - because it's a fucking nightmare!We all slept in the same room here at Nana's house. It did not go well. Some parents enjoy that extra time with their kids, cherish the precious moments, and lovingly watch them sleep...

Fuck that.

I am not one of those parents. I can "cherish" them all day long. After 8pm I don't want to know they exist. I figure their reign of terror is over for the day and there is no reason, barring projectile vomiting, that I should be subjected to any more. 12 - 15 hours a day is plenty of time to bond and I can only fight the urge to rip the hair from my head for so long.

So, go ahead, take me off your MOTY short list, I fail. And I'm okay with that as long as I don't have to sleep with those heathens.

October 22, 2008

A New Obsession Love

Dear BlackBerry,

Oh, how I love you! You are light and compact and best of all, you work! No anal retentive touchscreen that throws a hissy fit every other day and you accept ringtones that I don't have to pay $2.99 for. BlackBerry, you may be the new love of my life. I'll never go back. Apple tried to bribe me with a new iPhone 3G. I handed that bitch off as soon as I got it and grabbed you up immediately. Please join me in flipping up the big F You finger and yelling, "Suck it, iPhone!


cc: Apple iPhone, Steve Jobs

October 20, 2008

Am I A Real Blogger Now?

Guess who got accepted into BlogHer Ads? Does this mean I'm a big damn deal now? No? Okay, well it's cool anyway. Anyone want to dish about how it all works? My head is going to explode trying to decipher the lawyer code on the contract.

October 19, 2008

What He Learned at Wal-Mart

Aidan has taken to pretend smoking batteries. Double "Eight" batteries to be exact. My husband is not amused. And so goes the conversation...

SB -"Quit pretending to smoke. Why are you doing that? Where did you see that?"

In my head - please, please blame it on Aunt Kid Sister

Aidan - "What? I like to betend to smoke secrets. Then you throw the secret on the floor and step on it to get it out."

In my head - too much specific information, no way is he gonna leave me out of it

SB - "Where are you learning all of this?"

Aidan - "At Wal-Mart"

In my head - whew! that was close!

In my defense, I'm not a closet smoker. I'm a "when I'm with my sister and away from my husband" smoker. It's a known fact. No lectures, please, I get it.

October 16, 2008

People Scare Me

I am not going to make it until the election. You people are scaring the shit out of me! Seriously, scaring. the. shit. out. of. me! Now, pipe down, Krissi, "you people" are not necessarily Republicans in this case. "You people" are all of those who are calling the other guy a terrorist, the devil, the anti-Christ, Commie, and so on and so forth. Okay, maybe I am talking about Republicans. Only because I've only heard those things from Republicans. I'm sure there are idiots at Obama rallys doing some scary shit. Have you seen the videos of these rallys? It's scary. Someone from one of those videos is gonna be on the news pulling out a gun in slow motion right before the Secret Service jumps them on Inauguration Day. I'm not the only one who sees this coming am I?

I don't agree with everything either candidate supports but neither one of them is a fucking terrorist because of it. I'm not going to get red in the face screaming at supporters of the other guy, damn them to Hell, or make an empty promise to leave the country should he be elected. No, I'm gonna stay right here in a country where your right to be a fucking hipocrit and entice hatred is thoroughly protected.

Now before you start leaving snarky comments, just put on your big girl/boy undies and take a breath. While you might think you know my political beliefs based on this one blog entry, you do not and I'll thank you to not patronize me by assuming that you do. I will not argue with a friend over politics, I will argue with one over disrespect. I respect your right to support Obama, McCain or Bugs-fucking-Bunny if you so choose, and to think what you will about them. I expect you to respect my right to be scared shitless of fanatics on both sides.

October 14, 2008

A Milestone

By the way, that was my 200th post this year! It seems that's kind of a big deal in the blog-world. So, yay me!

Pumpkins, Pumpkins, Everywhere...

As you may remember Sunday is my day to sleep in and Daddy fights deals with the kids. This Sunday was no different. By the time I got up, at a blissful 12:30pm!, Daddy was on the verge of a stroke. So when I reminded him that I wanted to take the kids to the pumpkin patch he kinda started twitching. I figured well, he'd rather chew broken glass than go to the pumpkin patch so it shouldn't be too hard to get him to go to the grocery if I take the kids alone. I start making out the list like I'm gonna be doing the shopping just to throw him off. Didn't work. He said he'd go to the pumpkin patch and then we'd all to to the grocery afterward. Oh, joy and rapture! Both of us and the kids in the grocery store with 8 thousand of our closest friends. Can't freakin' wait!

We went to McGarrah Farms in Pea Ridge. Asher just wanted to run around in the fields and climb pumpkins. Aidan wanted to keep every pumpkin he found. We ended up with 6 pumpkins!

*is the word 'pumpkin' starting to look weird to you, too?*

Then we went on the much anticipated hayride. I thought Aidan was gonna implode in on himself before it started.

October 13, 2008

I'm a Wheezer

Guess what I did this morning. I got off my ever-widening ass, reactivated my gym membership, and worked out. Apparently sitting around bitching about gaining weight while devouring Oreos doesn't help one's ass to stop widening. Go figure.

It's been way too long since I've worked out because I was wheezing like...well, like a fat ass who hasn't worked out in way too long. Can I just say whoever invented the Stair Master is a fucking sadist? Cuz really, shouldn't that have been thrown out with all the other medieval torture devices? I better have a fucking fantastic ass in a very short period of time.

I guess this means I should stop eating like a fucking asshole, too. Backstory on the eating like a fucking asshole... I read a side-splitting blog post about gaining weight. The writer referred to the way she's been eating as eating like a fucking asshole. So, Heather, if you're reading this, thanks for that. Now I can't eat anything without asking myself if I'm eating like a fucking asshole.

October 10, 2008

Hey Apple Guy

Note: Disregard this post in light of the following post.

Steve Jobs, we need to talk. Steve, your iPhone sucks. I mean sucks in a way I can't even express thoroughly. I'm glad you made it so fucking big because I want it to be nice and uncomfortable when I shove it up your ass! 10 months, 5 iPhones. Yes, 5. My fifth iPhone is on it's way to me right now. And I don't even want it. I want to take a hammer and smash it into a million pieces but my husband's head would explode. See, against his better judgement, he spent the obscene amount of money to buy me the phone for Christmas last year. I asked him a few weeks ago when I could ask for a new phone without getting served with divorce papers. He said 2010. At the current rate, by 2010 I will be on my 15th iPhone. Un-fucking-believable!

Good Enough For Asher

This morning the boys and I are standing in line at the post office. For hours! Okay, not hours but with these two, it felt like hours. Aidan is eating peanut butter crackers and eventually there are a couple of them on the floor. On the nasty, filthy post office floor. I tell Aidan to pick it up and what does he do? No, he didn't eat it, that would have been gross. Nope, Aidan walks over and hands it to Asher!

October 9, 2008

Tea in the Truck

Note to self: When the 4 year old asks for a small drink of your tea (especially when said tea is in a huge plastic cup without a lid or straw), say no. If you say yes he will inevitably drop the huge cup sending sticky sweet tea flying into crevices of the truck you didn't even know were there. I wish you could see my windshield right now. I wish you could feel my steering wheel right now. I wish my 4 year old were with you right now. Yeah, any of you, I'm not choosy at this point.

October 8, 2008

There Is No Fitting Title

If Aidan barks orders in my direction one more time today...
And yes, that is exactly what he's doing. Saying "Mama, did you hear me? Can you please listen to me this time, Mama? I'll really appreciate it if you listen to me, Mama." does not change the fact that he is indeed ordering me around. I'm the mom, dammit!

October 7, 2008

More of the Same

How is it possible for my heart to swell with love for and my hands itch to ring the neck of a little boy all within a 5 minute period of time? He is so incredibly infuriating!

This evening Aidan is laying on the couch with his Daddy watching Air Bud. It is becoming obvious that we will be buying this movie. Then comes the part where the little boy is being mean to the dog to get him to go away. He runs away from the dog, jumps on a ferry, and the dog looks terribly sad and then starts swimming after the ferry to get to the little boy. It's rough enough to bring a tear to my eye! And it's at this point where my rough, tough little man turns his head into his Daddy's chest and starts bawling. I mean crying like his heart was being ripped from his chest. This is the my heart swelling with love part. So I go over to comfort him and he immediately turns into crazy psycho boy on me. There's the growling, screaming, and ugliness that ultimately leads to my hands itching to ring his neck. This tantrum lasted for 30 minutes until he finally fell asleep. He insisted he didn't know why he was so upset and I never got him to give me a reason for the "change". We can only guess that he got upset about the movie and then got embarrassed about getting upset about the movie. Whatever it was it was both heartbreaking and maddening. As life with Aidan has always been.

Thankful? Really?

This post has been rolling around in my head for months and I don't write it because I'm afraid someone won't understand. Or that they'll misunderstand. Or that I'll offend someone or make someone uncomfortable. And then today I decided to write it because it's my blog, dammit! Anyone else's issues are theirs and they can deal with it in their blog, I write what I want to.

I stumble upon dozens of blogs each day and in the mix are the ones written by mothers who've lost their children in one heartbreaking way or another - stillbirth, miscarriage, cancer, drowning, SIDS... None is less tragic than another and the point isn't which situation hurts more. This is about how I feel. I'm not speaking for any other mother.

I read the words of a mother who had to make the decision to take her daughter home and not fight the cancer anymore. The mother who checked on her son during a nap to find him cold. The mother who delivered a full-term, perfectly healthy baby boy except that he didn't breathe and there are no answers as to why. The mother that finds her toddler at the bottom of the family pool. There is no easy way to lose a child. But I've been thanking God that I didn't get the chance to fall any further in love with Anna and then have had to say goodbye. I didn't have to hold her in my arms and watch as she breathed shallower and shallower until she didn't breathe anymore. I didn't have to make the call to discontinue nutrition - I think is how I've read it described. I didn't have to make sure she had enough pain medication so that she neither felt the pain of disease nor did she resemble the child she was before the disease stole her. I didn't have to stand screaming while the paramedics kept trying to make her breathe after who knows how long at the bottom of the pool. I think about the nightmares these women must have. I wonder how they manage to swing their legs over the side of their beds and get up each day. And I've been asked the same thing.

I guess I feel the meaning of God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Somehow God knew that I could survive losing Anna in the way that we did and that I simply could not survive holding her as she died after months or years of having her here to attach myself further. And as twisted as it sounds, I thank God I lost her in the way I did. If it had to happen, I couldn't have taken an ounce more than I took. It's almost blasphemy to be thankful for anything regarding the death of your baby. But thankful I am.

Bad Mama

Here's the scene; Driving to preschool this am, crazy lady in huge SUV comes around the corner at probably 40mph and totally in MY lane. It was a close call but somehow I restrained myself. And by restrained I mean I only called her one filthy curse word instead of the dozen or so that were on the tip of my tongue. After a moment of silence, a voice of wisdom from the back seat...

"Mama, you can't say those bad words."

"I know, Aidan, I'm sorry."

"You've got to control your temperature, Mama."

"I know, Aidan, I'm sorry."

"If you can't stop talking like that I'm just gonna have to have Daddy drive me to preschool and you can just sit at home while we're gone."

Oh, shut up! Do you know how many creative four letter word combinations your Daddy spewed while driving in Chicago? And 'You can just sit home while we're gone'? Puh-leeze! Bring it, kid. Any. Day.

October 6, 2008

The Obligatory Traffic Rant

It started about 40 miles from Chicago. My husband morphed before my eyes from Easy Rider into Super Asshole Driver.

Suddenly blinkers are nonexistent and forget 2 car lengths between us and the car in front of us.

Once, we stopped to pay a toll and the car ahead of us looked to be talking to the person in the tollbooth.

He pounds his fist on the wheel and yells, "No directions! Let's go!" It was comical in a frightening sort of way.

October 4, 2008

Shhhh, Don't Tell Anyone

Ok, I'm just gonna admit it. I miss the boys. It's been peaceful - as peaceful as a place as crazy as Chicago could possibly be - and it's been do whatever the hell we want to on a whim and it's been fabulous. But I miss that obnoxious, smart-ass Aidan and that super-squealer, Asher. Now talk to me half-way into the drive home on Sunday with them and I'll probably be ready to sell them on e-bay but for now, I miss my sweeties!

October 1, 2008

See Ya, Suckers

When this blog posts tomorrow I will be somewhere between Northwest Arkansas and Nebraska to throw drop Aidan and Asher off before the Mr and I head to Chicago. Yeah, those punks will be lucky if we slow down to kick them out.

The 7 or so hours it will take us to get there will no doubt be filled with competative screaming between Aidan and Asher, Aidan whining "are we there yet?" fourteen thousand times, and no less than 62 potty breaks.

And I will just keep screaming chanting ignore them, in 24 hours they will be terrorizing someone else for roughly 60 hours. Good luck, y'all, don't get your ass kicked!