September 6, 2008

His Other Side

You sort of have to understand how most of my family and friends view my husband. In their eyes, he is perfection. Seriously, they like him more than they like me most of the time. He is quiet, polite, calm, uses perfect manners... in short, buncha bullshit. I know the man that exists in private. The man whose profanity ridden rants rival mine on any given day. Do you think anybody believes me when I try to tell them this? Hell no, it's just bat-shit-crazy Sissy talking nonsense again.

Okay, now that the scene is set... About 6 years ago I was working as an office manager for a couple of pain in the ass psychiatrists. I had finally talked the tight asses into getting me a cordless headset so I could answer the phone without having to stop licking their shoes or whatever other bullshit they had me, their bitch employee, busy doing. I get this contraption all set up and plugged in. I just need to try to answer or make a call to see that it worked right. So naturally I call my husband because he's not busy at work or anything, right?

Ring! Ring!
Mr: Engineering, this is SB.
Me: Hey honey, I'm just trying out the new headset. Can you hear me?
Mr: Hello?
Me: Honey! Can you hear me?
Mr: Hello!?!? Ugh! (hangs up)
I make a few adjustments with the thing, check all the plug ins, look at the instructions to be sure I've got it right. And then I go for it again.

Ring! Ring!
Mr: Engineering, this is SB.
Me: Honey, it's me, can you hear me?
Mr: (growling) Hello?
Me: Honey! It's me!
Mr: Goddamn it! (hangs up)
I sit there laughing for a few seconds and then recheck to be sure the thing is hooked up right. It appears to be. Then I compose myself and try again.

Ring! Ring!
Mr: (grumbling into the phone) Hello?
Me: Honey, It's me, can...
I can't stop laughing long enough to even type this!
Mr: (in a voice low enough not to be heard by everyone in his office) oh, you cock-sucking mother fucker! (slams phone down on desk a few times and then hangs up)
It was awesome in many many ways.
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