September 17, 2008

Letter To My Boys

Dear Aidan and Asher,

Asher, you are far too young to throw a hissy fit to the extent that you do. Look at your brother for a glimpse into your future. But keep in mind that by the time you reach his age I will have left any guilt over you missing out on fun trips with your friends or missing your favorite cartoons in the afternoon far in my past. It's entirely possible that I will have found a military boarding school that will accept kids his age and my guilt over sending him away will also have subsided. If, by chance, I haven't already reserved your spot there, I will bribe the dean to get you in, too.

Also, swiping my iPhone and running when I reach for it back is irritating enough. Chucking it when I get close to you is unforgivable. My entire pregnancy and delivery to have you cost us less that that phone did, so consider that next time, k?

And just so you know, throwing your food onto the floor makes me angry. I don't find it funny. No matter how big you smile, I am not smiling. Lexi might love it but I do not. And as your mother, what I like matters more than what the dog likes.

Aidan, where shall I start, son? Telling me that you will "beat my butt" if I don't help you put your shoes on one more time is likely to result in loss of said shoes in your own butt.

Taunting me with that super-obnoxious cackle/laugh you are so fond of is a huge reason you will not be getting any more siblings. I live in absolute fear your brother will inherit your cackle and I'm not willing to risk it again.

You are 4 years old. I'm gonna have to go with your father on this one; you are much too old to ride your bicycle around the neighborhood nude. It was cute at 2 and 3 but not 4. I'm sorry.

And last, Aidan, I cannot stress to you enough how incredibly changed you will find your life if you do, in fact, get kicked out of preschool. I do not want to have another conversation with your teacher or the director about ways to handle your antics at drop-off and pick-up time. You know what I'm talking about. So hear this, I will sell all of your movies and toys at a garage sale. All of them. Baby, Puppy, Lucky, Dog, Big Bear, your guitar, all 1400 of your balls, and even your precious Rhino. You will sit in a chair and help me take money for your treasures. You will get to watch some little boy drive your Rhino away. Just try me.

Love, Mama

P.S. Asher I do, however, love to see you bobbing your head and waving your hands in the air during loud music. Despite Daddy's comments about our sharing dancing skills, it's fantastically adorable. And Aidan, I find very few things funnier than when you crack up laughing while watching Tom & Jerry. You two are my favorite little boys. It's just so much easier to remember that when you are sleeping. Wonder why that is?


Anonymous said...

I knew you were a Zookeeper! Just change their names to animal names and you can guest host the Zoo the next time I go on vacation. I'm so proud!!!

Anonymous said...

Ahhhh! How sweet.

Anonymous said...

OMG! I'm seriously LOLing at this! (Especially the naked biking!) Too funny!!! :-)

Anonymous said...

Naked biking isn't acceptable? I'd better stop riding my bike naked, I guess? I am new to your blog (from shannie) and I LURVE it. I am cracking up. And it isn't any easier with girls...everything I have used to discpline my 3 y.o is coming back to haunt me - including not have "special" dinners and having my friends over.

I'll def be back to read more life experiences with your martians.

Anonymous said...

I'm totally adding you to my watched blogs. :D

Anonymous said...

This was hilarious! Kids are so rotten, aren't they?

Anonymous said...

I am sorry but I am laughing my ass off.