August 31, 2008

Booger Sucking the 4 Year old

"Uh, what?" you ask? Yeah, Mr is in Aidan's room using an infant booger sucker on him. Funny story... Aidan gets a stuffed up nose at night. Every night. And he constantly sniffs his nose in the most unproductive and irritating way. It makes him extremely unpleasant for two reasons.

#1. anytime Aidan is woke up by anything other than his own will, he's completely unreasonable for a minimum of 30 minutes

#2. anytime Aidan can't mad-handle the universe into working exactly the way he wants it to, he's completely unreasonable until things go his way.

It makes for some creative scheduling around here. So tonight he wakes up and is inconsolable over his nose issues. We try everything from just breath through your mouth to blow your nose, don't suck it in to I don't know what you want us to do about it, Aidan! 

Finally he gets mad, takes his unused tissue and his babies, stomps back to his room, and slams the door. Two seconds later his bedroom door opens and he chucks out the unused tissue into the hallway. We curl up in hysterical laughter. Two seconds after that his bedroom door opens up and he jumps out, picks up the tissue, and slams the door again. Again, we are laughing like lunatics. Two seconds after that the door opens again and out comes the used tissue. Turns out Daddy's not a total idiot and maybe blowing the snot out rather than sucking it back into your brain is a good idea. Enter infant booger sucker. Good times in our house!

August 30, 2008

Dr's Office Drama

I just realized that I completely forgot to blog about our latest suicide mission visit to the dr office with the boys. On Tuesday Asher had his 1 year well baby visit. The Chunk weighs 25lb 13oz, I forget the massive head circumference, and is 31 inches tall. 90th percentile all the way around. He also got 2 shots, he cried, it was sad but he lived. Asher doesn't seem to have the propensity for drama that Aidan has. Not yet anyway.

You may remember the last visit when Aidan had his 4yr shots and what an obscene nightmare that was. And then the nightmare continued when the nurse called us to say "sike! you gotta come back for one more!". Even though my fight or flight instincts were telling me do not mention the shot for Aidan, don't do it, it's gonna be awful, you'll be sorry. I brought it up and tried to bribe prepare Aidan for one last shot. I'll admit it was kind of sad when he said okay first and then after thinking it through he looked at me and said, "Mama, I don't want the shot, I don't wanna cry today." By the time the nurse came back he was under the chairs, legs and arms wrapped around the chair legs and he was frozen stiff that way. I handed off Asher and readied for battle. 2 other nurses and I pried him away and semi-held him down while the other nurse gave him the shot. Let me tell you that I've never seen Aidan as angry as he was then. It wasn't just his face that was bright red, his whole body was. When we let him go he went straight for the nurse who gave him the shot. I've never seen grown women run so fast from a preschooler. They were smart to though. A split second after they got out and shut the door he jerked it open and screamed at the top of his lungs, "I am NEVER coming back here again EEEEVVVVEEEERRRRR!" and slammed it back shut. I bore the brunt of the rest of his fury.

Fun times...

August 29, 2008

Books and The Child I Married

I'm a grown-ass woman who's up after midnight because she can't sleep because she's scared. Yup, scared. As in of monsters or something. Fucking Stephen King! There's a reason I've read very few of his books. I can watch horror movies all night long but a scary book will seriously screw with my head. Explain that one.

I've been on a reading kick lately. It all started with the Twilight series, which I just discovered. I read each of the 4 books in under 48 hours and all within a span of 2 weeks. I admit it, I've got a crush on Edward. It's all I can do not to ask my husband to suck on an ice cube before he kisses me. The one book I read before Twilight this year was Forever by Pete Hamill. If someone had told me the plot, I'd never have even picked it up. I just found it in my house, started reading it, and loved it. Since Twilight I have read The Shack, A Certain Slant of Light, and Lost and Found. And tonight I started Everything's Eventual by Stephen Must-Be-Some-Kind-of-Crazy-to-Come-Up-with-This-Shit King. It's actually 14 short stories but this isn't a book review blog, it's a bitching blog. Check out Shelfari.com for reviews and all that jazz. I can give this little tidbit of advice, don't read The Man in the Black Suit late at night.

Oh, and just because I said I would, I'm gonna mention the Mr and how he gets in these moods where he just picks at me and jacks with me all night long. Yes, kinda like I've been known to do occasionally.

Shut it! Stay on topic!

So we are getting ready for bed when I thought I saw some kind of red bug thingie flying by me in the bathroom. I performed the "girly bug freak out dance" and ran. He comes over, says he got it, and throws something red at me. I flip out like a good little damsel in distress until I see that it's actually a red piece of potpourri. He's laughing hysterically at me. "Ass!", I say, "that's it, I'm gonna blog about your childish antics tonight!" to which he replies, "don't threaten me with that fucking blog!". It was never merely a threat, dear.

August 28, 2008

Really?

Aidan's been in his bed for all of about 2 1/2 minutes when he starts yelling under the door for me to read him a book. I go in and start reading Alexander for the millionth time - seriously, he says the words right along with me. A couple of paragraphs into it he turns to me to say, "Mama, if you can't whisper I'm not gonna listen anymore. I'm trying to watch 'Snow Buddies'." Excuse me? Did that just happen? What the...

August 27, 2008

Seek and Ye Shall Find

Speaking of what people search for to end up on this blog or Martians, check this one out; pulled my pants down to my ankles in the mall. What the hell are these people hoping to find? I think that one led to this post from way back when. Damn, I hope noone starts calling me out for the dumb crap I go rooting around the internet for.

A Blessing

People keep asking me why Aidan is losing his voice - he's creaking and squeaking every other word. I'm not a doctor, I don't know why, all I know is that I'm thoroughly enjoying the lowering of the decibel level in this house. I say, keep trying to scream, kid, let's just get rid of that thing all together!

August 26, 2008

You're Going to Hell

Hey you! Sick, twisted fuck who finds my blog by searching for kids swimming n*ked, n*ked kid pictures, n*ked swimming, sissy boy, sissy boy wearing diapers, n*ked sissy boy and whatever else disgusting shit that turns degenerate, fucked up mama's boys like you on. I can see what you searched for to land you on my blog. And I can see your IP address. In case you haven't seen a Dateline episode in the last, I don't know, 10 years!, the internet isn't exactly anonymous. Especially for pedophile kiddie-porn "research", which I'm guessing is your brilliant excuse in case you do get caught. Listen to this, I'm gonna report every one of your sorry asses. You might not go to jail but it'll be there in your "proof that I'm a fucking piece of shit child molester" file waiting for when you do get caught. You're gonna be someone's bitch in prison unless you start whacking off to something a little more mainstream. Sleep well, asshole!

August 24, 2008

A 5am Rambling

What is happening here? Oh yeah, it's 5 am. And I'm awake. And watching Doodlebops. You remember my Doodlebop issues? My homicidal fantasies feelings have not changed. There are cartoons and kid shows, Doodlebops being one of them, that if I see them on the guide, I'll lie and say nothing is on. And then there are cartoons and kid shows I think I might like more than Aidan does. Hell, it's 5am, why not break out a list?

Top 5 shows that make me want to blow my head off
  1. Doodlebops (duh)
  2. Barney - except for one time with my MIL, I don't think Aidan has ever seen it.
  3. anything Anime - it truly creeps me out. It's only slightly below China and rubber balloons.
  4. Pink Panther - I mean, what is that show about anyway? I don't get it!
  5. Sponge Bob Square Pants - simply because I can't get the theme song out of my head for days afterward!

Top 5 shows I may like better than Aidan does

  1. Rugrats - that Chucky cracks me up!
  2. Lilo and Stitch - I keep waiting for the other people in that show to realize that Stitch and the others are freaking aliens! Does he look like any dog you've ever seen?
  3. Jimmy Neutron - the kid's head is enormous!
  4. Flintstones - cannot get enough of it.
  5. My Friends Tigger and Pooh - even though Darby's outfit doesn't match in the slightest!

August 23, 2008

What the Hell is Twitter Anyway?

I'm getting the feeling I'm the only one on the internet who doesn't do Twitter. Not only do I not do it, I can't even figure out what the fuck it is. I went to the site and read the 'About Us' but I still got nothing. I used to have a Yahoo 360 profile, Facebook account, and a Myspace account. I did away with Facebook months ago and I severely neglect Myspace for this blog thing now. 360 is apparently like the cottage cheese look of my ass, I can't get rid of it, try as I might. I need another computer time suck like I need to devour an entire carrot cake but the attention whore in me is saying, "screw the husband, kids, and housework, do Twitter". I'm gonna do it, aren't I? Shit!

August 21, 2008

What I learned About Myself Today

Apparently I'm doomed to be an old woman with moles all over her face! Uh hu! I went to the dermatologist today to have a mole that looked funny on my back looked at. She thought it looked funny to so she took a razor blade and cut the son-of-a-bitch off. I pointed out some age-spots on my face that I wanted her to zap and she informed me they were in fact the beginnings of moles. On my face! 12 of them! Can you say WTF? I can. What. The. Fuck!?!? She flash froze them so after they swell up, scab up, and fall off, I'll be mole-free. That should make for some great photos for Asher's birthday party on Saturday. Then I had my second tattoo removal session. Not 14 shots to numb me up this time. 16. Sixteen! That sucked. The price of beauty I guess. 

Thursday Thirteen

So I guess I'm gonna try out this Thursday Thirteen thing. I see it on many of my favorite blogs and I've got nothing clever to write today so here we go.

Thirteen things that Aidan says and does to slowly drive me crazy

  1. Stands on a toybox, uses a baseball bat to unlock the lock on his closet, and takes all of the blankets out.
  2. Says, "I'll just do whatever I want to, so..."
  3. Slaps Asher
  4. Refuses to eat whatever we are having for dinner. Opting instead for the ultra-nutritious corn dog and 2 cups of ketchup before demanding his "ba-sert"
  5. Taking off his clothes every single time he gets the chance and then saying he can't remember where they are. They're almost always thrown in the bathtub.
  6. Grilling me every hour wanting to know what we are doing tomorrow.
  7. Steals Asher's animal train and has a complete meltdown if Asher wants to play with it too.
  8. Goes into Asher's room, wakes him up by scaring the crap out of him, and leaves him crying in his room while he comes to tell me, "Asher just woked up, Mama!"
  9. Listens to Let My Love Open the Door on my iPhone 18 times in a row every afternoon.
  10. Tells me and his Daddy that he's gonna beat us if we don't listen to him.
  11. Manages to ask for milk if there was juice in his cup before or juice if it was milk before.
  12. Puts his pudgy hands on his hips and screams, "FINE!"
  13. Argues with me about washing his hands after using the bathroom saying, "But look, Mama, there is no poop on my hands!"

Dang, is that 13 already? I'm not even close to done. I'm gonna invent Three hundred thirty three Thursday.

August 20, 2008

I Birthed a Brat

Is it wrong for me to be searching the internet for military boarding schools for Aidan? You might not think so if you were abused by the little shit all. day. every. day. Let me tell you what's wrong. What's wrong is that none of them take the evil buggers until they're in 6th grade! He's liable to be in prison by then. Either that or I will. Watch this obnoxious brat! And this a semi-cute-obnoxious moment, it gets so much worse.

August 17, 2008

WTF?!?! of the Day

Okay, there is the usual after-baby-new-hair-growth and then there is the abyss. The abyss, in my opinion, is when said new-hair-growth is crazy curly, completely unmanagable, and generally a huge hinderance in my daily grooming routine. Yes, I have a routine and despite my schedule-sucking offspring, inherant laziness, and mind-numbing obsession to the Twilight series, I manage to bathe and clip my toenails regularly. Damn, I am Super Mom after all! Okay, but seriously, shit is pissing me off!

August 16, 2008

Redo

I was finally able to load a couple videos that just wouldn't load when I was writing about the horrors experiences. And patience isn't my virtue so waiting until it would work wasn't really an option. So check out the Chuck E. Cheese and Spaghetti posts again. Oh, just do it! If you got time to jack around on the internet and read my lousy little blog, you've got time to scroll down.

August 15, 2008

Mama's Not Right

Okay, I almost can't write this thru my tears. We were watching some videos I'd taken of the boys when we came across this gem. It's not hysterically funny because Aidan is still in his undies in the middle of the day or because he's so sincerely trying to reason with his babies or even because an unseen Asher knocks the camera violently to the right...

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying because of the laugh of pure evil glee that escapes me at the very end of the video when I seem to take such pleasure from the fact that Aidan will be getting shots at the dr too. I'd never noticed how evil I sound until Daddy brought it to my attention. What can I say, I guess I savor sweet revenge wherever I can get it.

The Drama of Blogging

I'm not quite self-absorbed enough to think that my blog posts will create much buzz but since I've been reading more and more blogs out there, I'm getting kinda paranoid. People are fucking crazy, okay? And people get downright vicious and even crazier when shielded by a keyboard. And women in particular are lethal. I oughtta know, I am one! This blogging thing is some kind of weird competative, clique-y (my blog, my words), virtual popularity contest. Sure, I'd like to have tons of fans who think everything I write is the funniest, wittiest, coolest shit they ever read but again, I'm not totally dillusional. I've got those poor folks I force to read "Martians" and a few readers I've picked up here and there. Up until very recently this side of the blog was my dirty little secret where I could bitch and complain in my native language without being judged for it, see how that all works out for me? But now it's open and I've gotten some interesting emails and comments that inspired me to make the FAQ page. I've seen the wrath of the insane internet people come down on a blogger because one half-ass post offended some Republican, SAHM crusader, or fucking martyr-who's-gonna-keep-her-kid-in-a-backward-facing-carseat-until-he's-18-because-she's-the-best-mother-EVER-and-the-rest-of-us-are-here-to-learn-from-her. I don't have the impulse control not to make it my goal in life to make you sorry you ever stumbled upon my blog. I'm just sayin'... People suck! I oughtta know, I am one...

August 9, 2008

I'm Having Too Much Fun With This

So, last post aside, I'm butt-crazy in love with my husband. But sometimes I just like to do stuff to irritate him. It's kind of my way of evening the score in terms of "he doesn't have a clue what I deal with every. single. day. with the kids at home". I'm on a roll this weekend.

First I used his razor. And I didn't even try to hide the evidence. He comes out of the bathroom and in his best "boss" voice says, "Yes or no, did you use my razor?" In my best "whatcha-gonna-do-about-it" voice and with a grin I say, "Yes". He just turns around to go clean it. *smirk*

Then, partly because I'd do it anyway but mostly because it disgusts him, I drink the pickle juice from the jar.

And as my final assault, I "accidently" let it slip to Aidan that Daddy is going to the store. After 2 meltdowns over how many babies Aidan can lug around with them, they hit the door. He's called me twice already to tell me the horror of it all. The kid is sleeping in the back seat before they even got out of the city limits and he already feels tortured. I can't wait until he calls after he wakes him up to take him into the store. *smirk*

Uh oh!

So much for all my boasting about my kids not being allergic to anything. Today Aidan was diving head first into a watermelon when what should my wondering eyes should appear? A rash and whelps all over where the juice had touched his skin, which was everywhere, obviously. 

Kinda freaked me out. I can only assume he's somewhat allergic to watermelon now. And he's pissed about it! He spent a good portion of an hour stomping around, arms folded over his chest, yelling, "Fine! I guess I won't EVER get any more watermelon! You guys are mean to me!" 

Yeah, we suck, not wanting to risk your throat closing up and you suffocating, punk. But you know so much better than us so go ahead, have a bite...

Thanks, Olympics, For My New Fears

Ok, I think I've got a new phobia. Now, in addition to rubber balloons and trees growing out of water *ugh!* I'm adding China. Yes, the country, people, government, etc... Rubber balloons suck because they pop and startle me and that freaks me the fuck out. Trees growing out of water *shudder* freaks me the fuck out and should freak you the fuck out because honestly, that's fucking freaky! But China just generally scares the shit out of me. I imagine this is how most of the world feels about the US. It stems from kinda figuring they could take us over if they ever really decided to. Yeah, I know, the US is the super-power, we're tough, blah blah blah... we're fucking arrogant and China could take us. That freaks me the fuck out. The next 15 days are gonna be rough on me.

August 8, 2008

I'm No Navigator

I go to pick up a friend at the airport. It started out so innocently...

So I see the runway but can't find the terminal. Is it just me or is terminal not a great word for use concerning flying?

Anyway, eventually I call her to ask if she sees me aimlessly driving around anywhere. She doesn't. I ask her where she is, as if she knows since she's never been there either. Finally she tells me to put on my nice voice (because the F bomb is flowing freely at this point), which greatly amuses the guys at the terminal, and puts me on speaker to figure out where I am.

After almost hitting a cop head-on, I find her. It was all worth it. We spent the day gossiping and cursing (she is my profanity soulmate) so it was a perfect day! She had to leave too soon.

August 6, 2008

You Know You're Obsessed With Twilight If...

You start going up to random people to tell them you want an Edward!

You think your next door neighbor is a vampire.

You try to control your thoughts because Edward might hear them.

You think anyone is crazy for not reading Twilight or New Moon.

You're giving everyone Twilight and/or New Moon for Christmas.

Twilight has ruined any and all future reading for you.

You break up with your boyfriend because he doesn't glitter in the sun like Edward does.


-Awww, shit, I'm obsessed... like I didn't know that!!!

August 5, 2008

Beauty and the Beast

I look up this afternoon to realize I've got 5 minutes to get ready for my hair appointment. Why would I "get ready" for a hair appointment you ask? Well, because the woman who does my hair is easily the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in person. Top 5 most beautiful woman I've even seen a picture of. It's actually painful to see both her and my face together in the mirror. It's like a before and after shot of a burn victim or something. But she's also incredibly easy to talk to, funny, very, very, nice... I almost wish she was an asshole so I could hate her. But nooooo! Some bitches have all the luck!

So I walked in there feeling like Sasquatch. In bad need of a haircut. And an eyebrow waxing too, I might add. Oh, and a pedicure. Aw shit, like I said, Sasquatch! She gave me a cute short new do, complimented my Wal-Mart hair-color, and sent me on my way. I walked out of there feeling like Sasquatch. I gotta find a fugly gal to cut my mop.

A Miracle Happened Today

Okay, maybe not a miracle in the traditional sense but remarkable none-the-less. Adam, Jackson, and Aidan were in Jackson's bedroom playing this morning when Jackson comes running out crying and holding his head. I immediately go into the room to see why Aidan hit him - because of course it was Aidan, there's no question, right? So I asked what happened and Aidan starts to say and then stops short, looks over at Adam and says, "Can I tell?" Adam says, "Yeah, he's crying cuz I hit him with this car." I'm stunned. Adam doesn't hit. Ever. I asked if it was an accident and he says, "Yes, an accident and I was sorry." So this post isn't special so much because it was Adam who hit but that it wasn't Aidan. I've got a feeling, however, that it was Aidan who instigated the nekkid swimming that ensued shortly before. Some pictures of that might follow if I can successfully black-bar them to be suitable for posting.

August 2, 2008

All this from one incident

It's been a while since I've been around teenagers. It'll be a while before I'm spend any time around any of the little fuckers again for a longer while. Unless you're living in a cave, you know on Aug 2 the 4th installment of the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn, is coming out. I met Lisa - who got me hooked on it like fucking crack, thanks a bunch - at Barnes&Noble to wait until midnight to buy it. At least 80% of the crowd were 13-17 year old kids. Obnoxious, oblivious, smart-ass kids. The books didn't hit me as being for that age group but I guess... Some were actually dressed up like vampires. Fangs, fake blood, and all. It was kinda weird. But they were kids acting like kids. And I know at that age, being referred to as a "kid" would have pissed me off but they are kids! Kids, I tell you! As in not that different than Aidan. Just bigger. Some of them anyway, some of them could have stood to eat a fucking sandwich. Anyway, watching them all made me #1 thank God that I wasn't a teenager anymore and #2 beg God to let Aidan be an easy teenager since he's been such a pain in the ass thus far. Resisting the urge to strangle those little bastards tonight pales in comparison to how I imagine it might be to not strangle my own kid seeing as how there's no going home to get away from him. Here's hopin'.

So hows that for a post. A mention of my new fave book, the trouble with today's youth, vampires, my future as mother of a teenager, homicidal fantasies, and God. That's quite the range...

August 1, 2008

Channeling Mom and Dad

Aidan - Mama, can you help me get my shorts on?

Me - Aidan, you're 4 years old, can you just try to do it yourself?

Aidan - Yeah, I can do it but I told you to help me.

Me - Well, I don't take orders from you. (Actually I do but I gotta act tough)

Aidan - Just help me like I asked you to. Is that so difficult?