August 1, 2006

The Words That Changed Me

I realize that people who don't know us will read a quick mention of an Anna here and wonder. People want to know but don't ask. I wish they'd just ask rather than ignore her. But that's a post for another day.  Here's the story of Anna.

At 30 weeks pregnant with our second child, a girl we were to name Anna, my water broke and I was admitted to the hospital to await the inevitable premature birth. After a couple days I still hadn't gone into labor. Ultrasounds and fetal monitors showed that she was doing fine and so we waited.

On the morning of the 7th day I woke up and put on the monitor at 8am. She was right there as usual. 2 hours later my dr felt my abdomen harden in a contraction that I couldn't feel yet. He did a quick ultrasound to see her position and readied me to move into a delivery room. An hour later I settled into the room and the nurses started to position the monitors on my stomach. And that's when I first saw the looks of worry.

I'm sure anyone who's been through it remembers exactly the words the doctor or nurse or tech said to let them know their baby or babies were... gone.

"Oh, Amanda, I think the worst has happened."




That's what I heard. I really just thought the nurse wasn't looking in the right place. I heard her on the monitor 3 hours before. Strong as usual, nothing off at all. They just HAD to be looking in the wrong place. "Give me the goddamn thing, I'll find it, I've been doing it 10 times a day every day for 7 days now, just give it to me!" But my dr was right, the worst had happened. She was just gone. We could have pink crap everywhere and I could fill this blog with posts about how she drives me crazy. But I don't have that . We got screwed.

On February 26, 2006 at 3pm, Anna Reese was born in perfect, agonizing silence weighing 3lbs 10oz. 

So there it is. The story of Anna. Painfully absent every day of our lives.

21 comments:

mander said...

oh my mander...im sitting here crying with ya....i have no words, its sad cause i have no f-ing words for my best friend....im always here for you never forget that!!!! i love ya!

Jessica said...

You guys did hold her. I don't know if you kissed her but she GOT kissed. Don't worry Amanda you're the one that is suffering not her. She's happy, she's in heaven. You know I'm always up to talk about her with you.

Jessica said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Laura O. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Toni said...

I am so very sorry, i sit here crying while reading this. I am so very sorry for the loss you had and wish I had the words to help you. I can only imagine the pain you felt.

Jen said...

Sometimes there just aren't words to say or write. 'Sorry" just doesn't seem to cut it.

Kritta22 said...

Wow! You are a strong woman! Thanks for putting this on here for us to read. I'm so sorry that this had to happen to you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sara Bonds said...

This is a very touching post. I am not a parent, so I do not have the same perspective. However, it breaks my heart to read this so I can imagine how deeply it must have broken yours. You are so strong to post this personal story here.

Stacie said...

I am so very sorry for your loss, there are no words.

thanks for sharing this with us!

~aj~ said...

Praying for you today, dear friend. ((HUGS))

Karen said...

Oh sweet Mom, life has a way of slapping us with the worst when we least expect it. I have never been through what you have, but I have a small glimpse into what it might feel like. My husband and I have been unable to have children. So we decided to adopt. We had beautiful twin girls placed in our home only to lose them to a birthmom who was prostituting to make rent with them sleeping in the same room. It was her right to change her mind, but it still hurts like hell. That was eight years ago. I keep waiting for the day to not have that giant hole in my heart. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tena said...

I have no words, just offers of thoughts and many prayers!
{{{{ gentle hugs }}}

otter said...

I am soooo sorry. I can't even imagine the pain of that loss.

*THE Disneyland Mom* said...

I've been reading your blog for a long time and had for some reason never seen the button for this posting. Amanda, I am so sorry for your family's loss. I can't even imagine the pain your family went through. I love your sense of humor and the way you look at the world. You are a good mom and you deserve to have had your beautiful daughter. What a tragedy! This is every mother's worst nightmare. Anna knows you loved her and certainly watches over your family.

Bill and Lorie Shewbridge said...

Some how I just stumbled on this post today... I have no words. This HAS to be the hardest thing a parent has to go through... I am so sorry.

Creepy said...

it takes a lot to get me crying.

you so got screwed.

*Noelle* said...

Amanda,

I just found this post and I am so sorry you had to endure this. I miscarried at 12 weeks TWICE and I know how painful that was for me. I cannot begin to imagine how this feels for you.

♥ Noelle

Night Owl Mama said...

I can never pretend to understand what you went through on that awful day and every day since even after suffering through 6 miscarriages. It not the same.
I felt what you felt only for a brief 30 sec.
Prayers that you find peace in knowing you had her with you those brief days as u were pregnant

Alison said...

I am so sorry that you don't get to watch your daughter grow up and complain about her. Right now I'm crying for little Anna. I couldn't imagine ever going through that. You are a strong woman.

kebowman said...

so heartbreaking. i cant imagine.

JG said...

It's awful and I hate to say it like this but nobody understands - or truly understands unless you've been through it as well. Which of course we both have.