August 1, 2006

The Words That Changed Me

I realize that people who don't know us will read a quick mention of an Anna here and wonder. People want to know but don't ask. I wish they'd just ask rather than ignore her. But that's a post for another day.  Here's the story of Anna.

At 30 weeks pregnant with our second child, a girl we were to name Anna, my water broke and I was admitted to the hospital to await the inevitable premature birth. After a couple days I still hadn't gone into labor. Ultrasounds and fetal monitors showed that she was doing fine and so we waited.

On the morning of the 7th day I woke up and put on the monitor at 8am. She was right there as usual. 2 hours later my dr felt my abdomen harden in a contraction that I couldn't feel yet. He did a quick ultrasound to see her position and readied me to move into a delivery room. An hour later I settled into the room and the nurses started to position the monitors on my stomach. And that's when I first saw the looks of worry.

I'm sure anyone who's been through it remembers exactly the words the doctor or nurse or tech said to let them know their baby or babies were... gone.

"Oh, Amanda, I think the worst has happened."

That's what I heard. I really just thought the nurse wasn't looking in the right place. I heard her on the monitor 3 hours before. Strong as usual, nothing off at all. They just HAD to be looking in the wrong place. "Give me the goddamn thing, I'll find it, I've been doing it 10 times a day every day for 7 days now, just give it to me!" But my dr was right, the worst had happened. She was just gone. We could have pink crap everywhere and I could fill this blog with posts about how she drives me crazy. But I don't have that . We got screwed.

On February 26, 2006 at 3pm, Anna Reese was born in perfect, agonizing silence weighing 3lbs 10oz. 

So there it is. The story of Anna. Painfully absent every day of our lives.

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